Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Gorgeous Bun in the Oven

The world gasped today as news broke that Eva Mendes will soon be pushing out via scheduled C-section her baybay with Ryan Gosling. No one is thinking about Eva, how lucky Ryan is to have impregnated her. I'm a little worried because sometimes two beautiful people does not a pretty baby make. (though Dish thinks Ryan looks like a psychotic banana and The Notebook bleeeeewwwwww)

This news only proves my celebrity ESP since just the other day I was contemplating Eva while Swiffering the bedroom. And before you think I'm playing into a sad, offensive stereotype, the truth is that I'd been purging my apartment and had agonized over whether or not to discard my Hitch DVD. Did I love her enough to keep it? I can see always admire Eva is print ads, where I feel she shines most as an artist. She is an amazing model. And now I adore her for keeping her fetus a secret.

Michelle Rodriguez and Zac Efron a couple? Dish doesn't believe it. And now I'm more skeptical that Joe Mangianello (?) and Sofia are making whoopie behind closed doors.

New speculation: Will Rosie rejoin The View? I hope so. I stopped watching when she left. She and Whoopi can rule as far as I'm concerned. Dish wants more smart, cranky women on TV--and I'm available starting now.

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

What Brings Me Back

I could give excuses for my silence:

1. Middle age
2. Dish-relative's frightening injury and my downward spiral into contemplating mortality (not mine, of course)
3. Overall decay of the mind
4. I hate summer
5.  The World Cup: the German coach has me frozen with fear.
6. Lindsay Lohan's father might be procreating yet again with same babymama he keeps brawling with and who keeps winding up in jail. This world is going to hell.


So what do I have to say? Here it is: I read that Sofia Vergara and Brian Mangianello (that's probably not his name), the tall guy from True Blood (the dark-haired one) are an item. I almost can't picture it because both are far too attractive to be in the same room. Do you believe these two make out and do other things?

I'd have to see pictures.

I'll leave you with an embarrassing confession. This is not the first time I've been an airhead:

I've bought three tickets to Rocky The Musical. I've only seen it once.

The first ticket I'd accidentally purchased for a night when I had fixed plans. I didn't realize it till the last minute. The second time I went. As a reward for surviving a challenging week, I bought a third ticket and then all hell broke loose. Won't buy another ticket until I have a clear calendar and everyone is safe, i.e. never.

Friday, May 09, 2014

The Selfie in the Room

I finally saw the James Franco selfie and, frankly, it's sort of like the Mona Lisa in person -- meh. What I find appalling is the stir it's caused. Isn't this the Franco we've been experiencing for years now? Are we this bored? I can't diss too much. Lookswise, he reminds me of one of my hot cousins (I have many, many hot cousins). It's difficult for me to invest in this Franco, who seems out of it. Comparing his selfie to the Beckham billboards--not the same thing. Dish always makes sure to get paid gazillions before showing off the bod.

Franco, Kim and Lindsay's slobbering is why I'm on a British jag. Sorry to be so conformist but Benedict Cumberbatch is far more articulate in interviews--he even takes Harrison's breath away. We tried watching Doc Martin after Sherlock, but the pace was too slow for TG and Doc's gigantic mouth was very distracting. Some members of DishFamily are is in love with him. Notice the plural.

I'm burying the lead.

I think I saw Paul Simon at my deli!!! On my way to get lunch, this little old man I could totally have stepped on entered and there was talk of getting him "the soup he likes." Dish lingered, fishing for more items to purchase, say, a bran muffin for TG. How cute that people are so fussy about soup.

Two hours later, I passed Stephanie March hailing a taxi. It's not the first time I've seen her in the hood and I'm always blown away by her effortless beauty (I'd insert curse word, but I'm a lady). She is younger than me. :(




Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Dish's First Hot Flash! (That's TMI, isn't it, Mom)

It happened while I was on the couch. All of a sudden, I felt overheated, sweating like a pig. Let's get this straight: Dish doesn't sweat! I asked TG if he was hot and he said yeah, but looked at me like I was crazy. So, figuring I also had food poisoning and violent lethargy in addition to menopause, I remained on the couch, playing Candy Crush until it passed. Now I am reading my Dr. Christiane Northrup and fanning myself even though I'm at room temperature. Can I just say this: $&%^^ , %&$*%& and $*$(#^ twice and die! I thought I'd stay young forever.

At least there is a ton of news to distract me. Just when I feel Tori and Dean are raw from crying on True Tori, the mighty Jezebel alleges that it's all fake. That makes the Tori-McDermotts more genius than I'd thought!!! And, then, if that wasn't good enough, Tori had to be hospitalized! This pulled at Dish's heartstrings. Truth be told, I'd be on ALL KINDS of medication if I were in Tori's situation (Picture it, Dish in a dark room, no sound, except for constant buying of extra Candy Crush games--with hot flashes to keep her toasty until the white light).

Celebrity Marriages:

I was so happy to read that Jodie Foster finally got married! But then I saw the pic of her bride and it's the schemy chick from The L Word--one of the best shows ever--who totally screwed over Tina. No seriously, big congratulations to the happy couple.

Paul Simon and Edie Brickell got arrested for a domestic disturbance. Allegedly, she hit him and he hit her back but it was all fine. Maybe she was having a hot flash!

Oh, and I almost forgot George Clooney is engaged. I think the future-Mrs.-Clooney is the new Lady Di, only with a huge job. I'm so conditioned to be bored by his personal life that I can't grasp this.



Wednesday, April 23, 2014

True Tori, Peaches, Scandal, Sherlock & Colbert -- My New Law Firm

Thanks to a colleague, whose television taste runs seedier than mine, I remembered to watch True Tori, where Tori Spelling gets real about her marriage to Dean McDermott, what actually happened (he totally cheated), and how awesome their woes are for television. Seriously, they are geniuses for making a buck off their dirty laundry.

If TG suddenly decides he's meant to live life as werewolf, I will grab a camera and record the horror: the hair regrowing even after the laser removal, the howling at the moon, his vicious insults (he called me a pinhead last week) and how he keeps wanting to watch Bones, when Louie is my preference. I'll throw his ass in rehab because mama's gotta watch her stories. I always learn from Tori.

Yesterday's News:

Colbert taking over as Letterman. Nice guys really do finish first! I will watch this new fleet of late night shows. Except Craig. Don't hate me but as Karen says on Will & Grace, "he don't make me laugh."

The death of Peaches Geldof. I remember when she was born, for criminey's sakes. After comparing and contrasting pictures, I could make several conclusions. This would be unprofessional given my medical expertise. I'll wait for toxicology reports. The family's devastation must be unimaginable. As a star-aholic, I watch these people grow up and then disappear. It's sad for me. (Am I crazy?)

Scandal: I don't remember the finale. Someone died. This season, though, for me was all about how Tony Goldwyn looked really stoned. Or maybe this prez was a big stoner or Tones thought it looked more romantic to have his eyes half-mast all the time. What if it's a physical condition he can't help? I will pay for this.

Four years after its premiere, TG and I have begun to watch Sherlock, which is wildly fun. We are loving the super-smart sociopaths these days. BC reminds me of what Kenneth Branagh was 20 years ago--this enthusiastic, extra-terrestrial seeming yet intoxicating, theatrically trained Brit. This is probably why reincarnation exists.


As for me, personally, I'm pleased that I finally found a deep conditioner for my hair. For the first time in thirty years, it's silky soft.


Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Dish as Therapy

I've decided to return to my roots. The truth is, I've been depressed. The blues are normal--like the kind you get when your dream comes true and you're the focus of attention. Five minutes later, there's silence and life goes on. It's ego-bruising so I'm stumbling around, trying to remember who I am and what I like to do.  Since I'm no longer 19, I've decided against chain-smoking or drinking. Call me officially old, but my cure of choice is: Obsessing with the Stars.

First off: the GMA bloodbath. Dish is delirious not to have Josh Elliott's smug mug rain on her Robin Roberts love parade. Though according to not-so-valid sources, conflict will ensue as Amy Robach (my new personal hero--giving cancer the middle finger and marrying Melrose Place's Andrew Shue) and Lara Spencer aren't in love. Now, Michael Strahan has signed on as clean-up, so those cute dog rescue stories will be covered. Is Today laughing its ass off? I would if I thought this movement was disastrous. I see it as weed-wacking. Funny how the whole Ann Curry mess is so yesterday.

Second: We're offering to inherit Gloria Vanderbilt's 200M fortune since Anderson doesn't need it. We don't need it either, but we want it.

Third: Dish went to see Rocky on Broadway, starring the great Andy Karl, Margo Seibert, and Terrence Archie. The actors' stellar performances, the staging and the story are worth seeing over and over again (music/lyrics mostly terrible, but you don't wind up caring so much). Dish was misty-eyed throughout the show. After the fabulous training montages, I went straight to the gym, wearing a hoodie (and hurt my back). Rocky is my new Jersey Boys (Just kidding, TG. I'll only see Rocky one more time, maybe three). 

Fourth: I've been on Alec-Baldwin-watch and so far, he hasn't left New York. In fact, his wife is featured in today's Post, doing sexy yoga poses and insisting that she'll never leave the city.  I was so waiting for a week without a Baldwin. They are liars!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Much Ado about Hating Gwyneth Paltrow

Once upon a time, a beautiful, talented non-trashy blonde played the supportive wife of Brad Pitt in Se7en. Her part was subdued yet meaningful, and we embraced the cuteness that she was doing it with Brad in real life. She became this new actress to watch, with her wholesome look and intelligent-seeming demeanor. After this, she dressed as a man, which was so unique and talent-revealing (I did this when I was four, but do I get an Oscar). Though she did some good work, she lost me with her Oscar hair the year she won, and that shitty pink dress--but I'm not superficial. I just wanted Cate Blanchett to win for Elizabeth. Life went on for this Dish, and because I don't live for stars (who are we kidding), I understood that Gwyneth might exist in a different world from mine. Her suffering and my suffering were still the same (because we're all connected).

Over time, post Brad, Ben, Luke, now Chris, she's been reduced to this subject of viral mockery when we all used to see her as A-list. Now she's secretive, snooty, NOT the most beautiful woman in the world, too skinny, cheating, threatening Vanity Fair and the list goes on (Ahnold's villainy didn't last this long). While, yes, I do find her pretentious (Moses, Apple, the cupping, the nutrition advice, really bad acting choices), the trashing makes me way sicker.

Audience, she's not the devil, just potentially out of touch. She's not throwing children into oncoming traffic, having the manny's baby or calling anyone "sugar tits." She didn't cause the disappearance of flight MH370. Of course, the girl doesn't help herself by referring to her separation as "conscious uncoupling," a more educated way of saying, "we're just not into each other"--for those with an under 50 IQ. Of course, she sounds severely DOA when she demeans women with office jobs or says she's leaving acting to focus on her kids (what acting has she been doing).

My beef with Gwyneth isn't her personality or how much I resent her beauty. I just badly want her to do theater...or a role to show everyone that you don't mess with a smart blond who has everything. Let's stop wasting energy whining about people who are basically okay.

Oh wait, I'm whining.

Saturday, March 01, 2014

I Can't Keep Quiet

This post is brought to you by extreme boredom. My To Do list is empty, so I must address celebrity issues and return to my first love: the stars.

Alec Baldwin publicly stated that he's leaving public life. I thought seriously about buying New York Magazine, but didn't want to spend the 6$. Instead, I'm using that 6$ to start a pool that Alec won't leave NYC or stop his blabbing and raging. Or I'll donate the $ to his first class in the DishMethod to an improved lifestyle: yogurt almond and meditation.

I confess, I will always love Alec as an actor and hope he enjoys LA, where I'm sure he'll find peace.

The instant Robin Thicke dry thrusted into Miley on the VMAs, I thought his marriage might be in trouble. The news of his split with Paula Patton didn't surprise me. Allegedly, Robin wants his wife back. He should seek TG's advice, which would be: never publicly ogle another babe. The only exception is Sofia Vergara and, here, I do the slow clap and ogle her, too.



Rest in Peace, Harold Ramis, sweet ghostbuster.