Monday, May 01, 2017

Dish Is Psychic!!!

A sentence came into my head yesterday: Benedict Cumberbatch is about to have Baby #2. It's funny because I haven't paid much attention to our dear Sherlock. I scoured the webs and found out that indeed, he inseminated his wife for the 2nd time! So why didn't I catch on sooner and why would the universe give me this message telepathically 9 months after the initial announcement? Because maybe her water just broke*. Dish is psychically in tune with the stars.

It's hard not to focus 24/7 on my obsession: Gwen Stefani (and Blake too). Here is In Style's photo of her attending her sons' communion. I love this look (though not completely into the flyaway hairs). It's bright and lovely. Since she started dating Blake, we've been on baby watch. I'm not sure. To me, she is either too thin or perfect. We are roughly the same age so I bow down to a woman who can pull off white from the waist down!

Today I'm going to try to tune into my new ESP psychosis. So far, all I'm getting is that Beyonce might be pregnant with twins...

*Maybe but Dish has no source aside from own imagination.

Thursday, April 06, 2017

Resting Melt Face

I shouldn't objectify Republicans in Congress but look at these melting faces. One of the reasons for Dish's absence from blogging is far too much time watching news. See here what happens when you sit in a conference room and go, "blaaahhhhhh" all day long. Politicians should not be celebrities unless they have stylists. It's like the end of Indiana Jones every day, especially today with the whole nuclear option (which some will pronounce nucular because they are idiots).

Speaking of...

I'm going into the other room for this. I don't want anyone to hear me. And don't tell Alec Baldwin about this post. I didn't intend to read his memoir but Dishfriend has an extra copy. I knew it was a matter of time before the bear got poked again and what better time than when his book drops? Those Mel-esque anger issues don't just go away. Even while watching Match Game, one can see the rage simmering over reading crappy jokes off a teleprompter. It's a reallllly bad game show, we were desperate. It's kind of hilarious* how these gifted guys get accepted back into our good graces again (did you see Mel at the Oscars? Hugh Grant anyone? Bill?) but there you go. Dishwisdom always pulls me through the fog of do I keep tuning it or protest? Kids, the world witnessed his twitter-war with producer Dana Brunetti. A wall got punched, a keyboard got pounded. And yet...

People, we are all Alec and Dana. We are all Housewives. Thanks, twitter.

 As my hairstylist says, it sucks when a-holes are so talented. It's easy to run away, as I did when I saw Alec in Barnes & Noble once. You don't want to be in those cross-hairs. But I can't turn away from his SNL impersonation of the big orange slob.

*as in gross.

Wednesday, April 05, 2017

Sweating with Stars!

I have to confess...I know where and when Sandra Bernhard works out. And you know what? She's one healthy bitch. What I love about her besides her talent is that she really works out, puts her guts into it. Then she goes to a tiny cubbie and gets her crap, which is minimal, and leaves. Once I saw her wince at the big TV when that big orange slob was talking nonsensically. Seeing Sandra always puts a boost in my workout.

Big Little Lies. I sort of loved it, but sort of didn't. I figured out the ending early on. No spoilers here, except there always a puke scene? I was expecting Adam Scott to be the big puker, with his sensitive ways and that hideous beard. But no, it was the one I would never, ever want to see toss her cookies.

It wasn't Nicole.

I saw 7 episodes of Nicole boffing Alex Skars...(finish the spelling for me). If you take away the violence, I could have watched them all day. But that's not the point of the story, is it? The point = people have secrets and men are lame. Nicole was electrifying, even in the floral dresses. Laura Dern is always excellent--especially playing the self-righteous Type-A cow. Love her in Enlightened, well, in everything.

Last thing--I need TV/movie suggestions for TG. We love indulging in TV binge-fests, but I'm afraid his taste is more sophisticated than mine. Here are his favorites: The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Little Britain. He refuses to watch anything Aaron Sorkin, super-girly shows like Sex & the City and Girls, though Rizzoli & Isles okay. We are show-less so we've been having meaningful conversations. Sigh...

Monday, April 03, 2017

Leave the Precious A-hole Alone!

It's time to call your senators to protest the very sad, very disastrous fact that Bill O'Reilly has tolerated so much abuse by women--over years. Thank God he has been able to maintain his star status, all while dealing with such flagrant womansplaining. Why can't we accept his virility, his need for a little more failed attempts at nookie? Because he penned such masterful prose, and certainly would never use a TEAM or GHOSTWRITER, he is even more desirable than the average celebrity. It's just expected that Bill is #1 target of these money-hungry, ladder-climbing females. Good for his network for supporting an outstanding public figure, for encouraging the adorable stolen grope, which we ladies are aching for when we're not toiling over the sputum left for us to sort out. Let's give Billy O a break. He's what the world needs now--another a-hole.

One a-hole is fantastic, but two...It warms my heart when two a-holes find each other. J-Lo and A-Rod are steaming up the 6 with their bodice-ripping passion. You can see their new leases on life, just from this picture. I wasn't buying her cozy Instagrams with Drake. But A-Rod, he's just stale enough. Two wrongs can make a bigger wrong and that is so right.

It's all about the sell, people. Don't believe anything anymore. The mail, TV, or even the innocent gesture. In childhood, Dish was accused by a relative of always having an agenda. Perhaps Dish was just ahead of her time.

Today's star sighting in Tribeca...Bethenney's toxic ex-husband screaming into the phone, "Honey, I hope you have a great day in school!!! I love you, sweetheart!" Maybe the traffic was so loud he had to be loud. Or perhaps social services was hot on his heels. Whatever the case, Dish is not a fan of the Tribeca--or insincere-fests on the phone.

But seriously, if you need an un-sad example of a gorgeousness, temperance, and sainthood, I give you TG, who cooks for and tolerates Dish--7.5 years now.

Monday, September 26, 2016

The End of Brangelina/Laomi/All Decency in TV Reporting

I hear you, Universe. You thought that killing off so many celebrities would lure me back to Dish.  Prince, Gene Wilder, and Chyna couldn't do it. Not even Hillary's pneumonia and the coverage of her every sniffle (screw you, by the way, media). But when you tear asunder the union that created the Uber Papparazzi movement, I have to say Nay. I will not lie calmly and take this abuse.

Actually, I don't care about Bland and Angina so much. My shock waned by daybreak. The little bits about his fondling Russian hookers and mixing substances, well, if I had so many responsibilities I would definitely...okay, no, I wouldn't be so insane. My worst is the Ambien shopping (where did this Reese Witherspoon DVD come from???). But I get it. The signs have been received. It's a big deal for us star-gazers and I'm here to say, I'm back. For now.

Just when I got comfortable, the news came that Liev and Naomi broke up. I checked my crystal ball predictions from a few years ago and found a log of insights into their love: doomed. Not out of knowledge but pure girl gut reaction when I heard him speak at the Rubin museum. He was asked what made him happy. His answer was that only his children keep him going/make him happy. I thought, What about Naomi? My basic feeling is that, yes, children matter a whole lot, but so does one's partner. Stay away from my husband, batches!

One last thing, Universe. Don't you dare break up Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton. Their love is keeping my sanity intact.

And now, to find a channel that is covering the presidential debate.

Monday, May 30, 2016

I Thought They Would Last Forever!!!

Especially since she's way younger than he is, I thought she was a lesbian, and their legend gap is too hard to overcome. That said, her hotness trajectory squashes his into a tiny tattooed ponytail sporting, hygienically challenged, guitar-playing ant. The truth remains that legend  defeats hotness every time.

For Dish, this is a little personal since I do have some real Depp insight and feel that I want to defend a gifted actor/rogue whose accent has changed with the ages. And yet, I tend to believe women who say they've had the crap beaten out of them.

And yet again, I wasn't there and it's none of my business. I hope the divorce is quick and he gives her $50 million just to go away, then another $50 million to women's shelters and animal rescue (since he loves animals).

In other Dishnews, I've broken up with several shows this season, which means I am reading more (yawn!).

Scandal: I hate to admit that I've always hated Olivia. Love her work ethic but just don't think she's fun. Mellie was fun until she started bellowing too much. The constant monologuing drives me nuts. The president looks as if he's always stoned. Why can't I be? Done.

The Shahs of Sunset: With MJ's sperm testing her BF on Date #2, GG's new tatas and boom boom, Reza pre-commitment vomiting, and Mike's flagrant inability to be a husband, I can't take it anymore. These Shahs are too effed up for me. Asa is the only one who seems sane, but her kaftan company is not as intriguing as her diamond infused water business.

The Real Housewives of Dallas: Too much poop and fart talk and I just can't relate.

The Voice. If you don't hire Gwen, Dish won't watch. Adam and Blake are great, but Gwen is Zen.

Nashville: For those who loved this slow season, I'll solve the cliffhanger for you. Of course, Juliet goes down with the plane. She's had a rough year and probably wants out of this show. Plus, how else can you make Avery a crying p*ssy? He never wins.

My new show to watch? Penny Dreadful. That Eva Green can make herself look so ugly, which I admire in a good actress. Beautifully written and acted, it's a well kept secret. We're obsessed.

Now on to my favorite topic: Gwen and Blake and how their relationship is progressing. No doubt you've seen their duet on The Voice and the Billboard Music Awards. I only supply a link to the former because her weird makeup for the BMA is hard to look at (even though I have many, many times). There's talk about their rumored babies, engagement, marriage, etc... All you really need is to follow her on Snapchat. It's better than most things.

And now, back to ironing TG's shirts and watching nothing.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Star-Sighting--Bobby Flay Strolling on the Highline

Foodies everywhere rejoice! In celebration of the Vernal Equinox, Dish took a nature-focused stroll on that overrated amazing walkway called the Highline. The only thing that would truly amaze me about this site is if you could get high while walking it...or see a celeb!

As hubby and I were navigating the slow pokes, I spied chef Bobby Flay with a younger model. Some may call the new one an upgrade given her sleepy-eyed youthfulness, how she didn't need makeup to temper that morning after, um, glow. Dish calls this a downgrade, for Stephanie March has an impressive body of work and is no typical blond starlet. Her voice sets her apart, so that you believe she's a prosecutor on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. At the same time, she's beautiful enough so that she can almost (but not quite) share a screen with the spectacular Gale Harold in Falling for Grace. Lastly, Steph did a nice job with Liev Schreiber in the Broadway revival of Talk Radio.

So many thoughts about this sighting. They did look blissful and, in the end, I have to support gingers in their success. Well, except one running for president.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

This Is What the Truth Feels Like

There comes a time in everyone's life when a question is asked: What do I do now?

I've met the man of my dreams. We're married.
I've written a book. I'm working on another one. Okay, three.
I work.
I don't really clean or cook.
I do my best.
We watch TV after work.
I go to the gym.
There are no pets, but I wish I had one.
I am managing my "issues."

So what else?  Is this the time when I go through my diaries and remember golden periods of my life? I could do a podcast or more snapchats, instead of following others. Gardening. Volunteer work.

There are no real problems here, just that pre-old age musing about my place in the world or if it is all just this staring out of these eyes, cataloging what I see, reacting, then refueling the vessel. 

Screw that. Depth is not my thing. Let's talk celebs!

Since November 2015, I've been all about Gwen and Blake. That hasn't changed. Maybe I drifted for a few weeks, but then The Voice came back. Begone, Christina, and bring back that other blonde minx who is my age and still rocking it, even though she uses "literally" incorrectly and literally says it in every other sentence. I diss her because I love her.

With friendship, especially imaginary friendship, it's all about transparency.

This is why Julia is no longer on my radar. She seems to be leading a "private life" with her "family" and doing "serious roles." Gwen can multi-task, she's a giver. Not only does she crank out this cool album, This Is What the Truth Feels Like, but she also uploads a new snapchat video every few hours. I know she takes milk in her tea (or is it almond milk). Her Grammy live video rocked, showing us what an amazing roller-skater she is (me too, GS!). Her three boys are precious, thereby giving me a snippet of that motherhood experience (not really, but the cuteness is appreciated). A testament to her fierceness, she traveled to Japan with a flu-like illness, then did a concert! She attended at least four weddings this year. One minute she's doing an interview--and telling us how it went--the next, she's getting her makeup done by her entourage or flirting with Blake on Twitter. She chews gum too--though I'm an Altoid girl.  I barely have time to register the nuances of our relationship before she's packing up for another trip.

What can I say, her schedule exhausts me, but it also has me thinking, "I really don't do anything close to how much Gwen does." If you know me, you understand that this actually is going through my head.

So here I am again. Dreaming bigger.

Oh, and Hulk Hogan just won a $115 suit against Gawker, which means, either my husband or I will be proposing marriage to the Hulkster very soon. Step aside, ladies.