Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Beverly Hills Housewives and Vanderpump BACK!

I can live again! And the living gets easier--happier--when Asslips is back on the air! Seriously, I love Lisa Rinna and anytime I see her, it's like a garden of fun--with massive lips and hair that hasn't changed its style in 20 years. I love her, I love her, I love her. My brother and I are so ready for this, November 18!!!

Dish is heading toward loving the stars again. Got the new Taylor Swift album, 1989, not because it's great (though it is) but because she's smart as beans and I want to support her reign over humanity.

To further my support of cool XXs, I've decided that Tori and Mary Jo need to leave Dean and his migraines in a side room and take over True Tori for themselves. I expect shows on crafting, gluten-free cooking, and just fun girl talk (nail polish!).

In out of character news, Dish poked a bear. Shouldn't have, got a snarly, mean response, but I LIKED DOING IT. Am I officially evil...or was this an aberration? I've been a nice girl for too long. Well, not to everybody.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Affair and Rediscovery of Dominic West and Maura Tierney

After two tragic losses in the comedy world (Robin William and Joan Rivers), Dish had to regroup and soul-search. I read some Pema, tried The Artist's Way again, and worked my way through The Goldfinch. What is the meaning of life? Why do worthwhile people die? Can I really survive on Pain Quotidien mini-espresso cakes? What's the point of going outside when everything can come to you? Can Candy Crush be considered therapy and can I buy more games using my Health Savings account?

I did so much to chase away these deep, often morose thoughts. First and foremost, there is the TG  obsession and mood-booster. Like, I could watch the back of his head for an entire movie. Look how he is watching 21 Jump Street. He has no idea I take covert pictures, like this. I'm in so much trouble if he sees this. I have thousands of these.

So let's talk about celebrities. We are watching The Voice, and we're all about Blake. TG doesn't think Gwen is pretty, which is awful, the same way he doesn't think Cate Blanchett is a good actress (I only spill because I know he won't see this! It's our little secret). Gwen is perfect (as are Adam and Pharrell).

Shows I'm considering ditching: Grey's Anatomy. Shark jumped, maybe even before Christina left. I stopped caring after the plane crash. Nashville--also sucking with Rayna and Luke, who are as sizzling as my extremities in any season (I have lifeless cold hands). I remain only because I want Juliette to tell Avery she's knocked up with his baby.

Shows I'm watching: Homeland. I can't get enough of my Carrie and Saul. The Affair. Call it the lure of another movie poster with people seductively in the water. Lisa Rinna and Gail O'Grady did it best! There's also Pacey from Dawson's Creek, Dominic West and Maura Tierney. I love that these people have jobs and the storyline itself sucks you in, even if it's dark and derivative. I love forbidden love that ends in tragedy (on television/movies/books only).

And now back to The Voice...and watching TG's hair move as he laughs.

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Gorgeous Bun in the Oven

The world gasped today as news broke that Eva Mendes will soon be pushing out via scheduled C-section her baybay with Ryan Gosling. No one is thinking about Eva, how lucky Ryan is to have impregnated her. I'm a little worried because sometimes two beautiful people does not a pretty baby make. (though Dish thinks Ryan looks like a psychotic banana and The Notebook bleeeeewwwwww)

This news only proves my celebrity ESP since just the other day I was contemplating Eva while Swiffering the bedroom. And before you think I'm playing into a sad, offensive stereotype, the truth is that I'd been purging my apartment and had agonized over whether or not to discard my Hitch DVD. Did I love her enough to keep it? I can see always admire Eva is print ads, where I feel she shines most as an artist. She is an amazing model. And now I adore her for keeping her fetus a secret.

Michelle Rodriguez and Zac Efron a couple? Dish doesn't believe it. And now I'm more skeptical that Joe Mangianello (?) and Sofia are making whoopie behind closed doors.

New speculation: Will Rosie rejoin The View? I hope so. I stopped watching when she left. She and Whoopi can rule as far as I'm concerned. Dish wants more smart, cranky women on TV--and I'm available starting now.

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

What Brings Me Back

I could give excuses for my silence:

1. Middle age
2. Dish-relative's frightening injury and my downward spiral into contemplating mortality (not mine, of course)
3. Overall decay of the mind
4. I hate summer
5.  The World Cup: the German coach has me frozen with fear.
6. Lindsay Lohan's father might be procreating yet again with same babymama he keeps brawling with and who keeps winding up in jail. This world is going to hell.

So what do I have to say? Here it is: I read that Sofia Vergara and Brian Mangianello (that's probably not his name), the tall guy from True Blood (the dark-haired one) are an item. I almost can't picture it because both are far too attractive to be in the same room. Do you believe these two make out and do other things?

I'd have to see pictures.

I'll leave you with an embarrassing confession. This is not the first time I've been an airhead:

I've bought three tickets to Rocky The Musical. I've only seen it once.

The first ticket I'd accidentally purchased for a night when I had fixed plans. I didn't realize it till the last minute. The second time I went. As a reward for surviving a challenging week, I bought a third ticket and then all hell broke loose. Won't buy another ticket until I have a clear calendar and everyone is safe, i.e. never.

Friday, May 09, 2014

The Selfie in the Room

I finally saw the James Franco selfie and, frankly, it's sort of like the Mona Lisa in person -- meh. What I find appalling is the stir it's caused. Isn't this the Franco we've been experiencing for years now? Are we this bored? I can't diss too much. Lookswise, he reminds me of one of my hot cousins (I have many, many hot cousins). It's difficult for me to invest in this Franco, who seems out of it. Comparing his selfie to the Beckham billboards--not the same thing. Dish always makes sure to get paid gazillions before showing off the bod.

Franco, Kim and Lindsay's slobbering is why I'm on a British jag. Sorry to be so conformist but Benedict Cumberbatch is far more articulate in interviews--he even takes Harrison's breath away. We tried watching Doc Martin after Sherlock, but the pace was too slow for TG and Doc's gigantic mouth was very distracting. Some members of DishFamily are is in love with him. Notice the plural.

I'm burying the lead.

I think I saw Paul Simon at my deli!!! On my way to get lunch, this little old man I could totally have stepped on entered and there was talk of getting him "the soup he likes." Dish lingered, fishing for more items to purchase, say, a bran muffin for TG. How cute that people are so fussy about soup.

Two hours later, I passed Stephanie March hailing a taxi. It's not the first time I've seen her in the hood and I'm always blown away by her effortless beauty (I'd insert curse word, but I'm a lady). She is younger than me. :(

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Dish's First Hot Flash! (That's TMI, isn't it, Mom)

It happened while I was on the couch. All of a sudden, I felt overheated, sweating like a pig. Let's get this straight: Dish doesn't sweat! I asked TG if he was hot and he said yeah, but looked at me like I was crazy. So, figuring I also had food poisoning and violent lethargy in addition to menopause, I remained on the couch, playing Candy Crush until it passed. Now I am reading my Dr. Christiane Northrup and fanning myself even though I'm at room temperature. Can I just say this: $&%^^ , %&$*%& and $*$(#^ twice and die! I thought I'd stay young forever.

At least there is a ton of news to distract me. Just when I feel Tori and Dean are raw from crying on True Tori, the mighty Jezebel alleges that it's all fake. That makes the Tori-McDermotts more genius than I'd thought!!! And, then, if that wasn't good enough, Tori had to be hospitalized! This pulled at Dish's heartstrings. Truth be told, I'd be on ALL KINDS of medication if I were in Tori's situation (Picture it, Dish in a dark room, no sound, except for constant buying of extra Candy Crush games--with hot flashes to keep her toasty until the white light).

Celebrity Marriages:

I was so happy to read that Jodie Foster finally got married! But then I saw the pic of her bride and it's the schemy chick from The L Word--one of the best shows ever--who totally screwed over Tina. No seriously, big congratulations to the happy couple.

Paul Simon and Edie Brickell got arrested for a domestic disturbance. Allegedly, she hit him and he hit her back but it was all fine. Maybe she was having a hot flash!

Oh, and I almost forgot George Clooney is engaged. I think the future-Mrs.-Clooney is the new Lady Di, only with a huge job. I'm so conditioned to be bored by his personal life that I can't grasp this.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

True Tori, Peaches, Scandal, Sherlock & Colbert -- My New Law Firm

Thanks to a colleague, whose television taste runs seedier than mine, I remembered to watch True Tori, where Tori Spelling gets real about her marriage to Dean McDermott, what actually happened (he totally cheated), and how awesome their woes are for television. Seriously, they are geniuses for making a buck off their dirty laundry.

If TG suddenly decides he's meant to live life as werewolf, I will grab a camera and record the horror: the hair regrowing even after the laser removal, the howling at the moon, his vicious insults (he called me a pinhead last week) and how he keeps wanting to watch Bones, when Louie is my preference. I'll throw his ass in rehab because mama's gotta watch her stories. I always learn from Tori.

Yesterday's News:

Colbert taking over as Letterman. Nice guys really do finish first! I will watch this new fleet of late night shows. Except Craig. Don't hate me but as Karen says on Will & Grace, "he don't make me laugh."

The death of Peaches Geldof. I remember when she was born, for criminey's sakes. After comparing and contrasting pictures, I could make several conclusions. This would be unprofessional given my medical expertise. I'll wait for toxicology reports. The family's devastation must be unimaginable. As a star-aholic, I watch these people grow up and then disappear. It's sad for me. (Am I crazy?)

Scandal: I don't remember the finale. Someone died. This season, though, for me was all about how Tony Goldwyn looked really stoned. Or maybe this prez was a big stoner or Tones thought it looked more romantic to have his eyes half-mast all the time. What if it's a physical condition he can't help? I will pay for this.

Four years after its premiere, TG and I have begun to watch Sherlock, which is wildly fun. We are loving the super-smart sociopaths these days. BC reminds me of what Kenneth Branagh was 20 years ago--this enthusiastic, extra-terrestrial seeming yet intoxicating, theatrically trained Brit. This is probably why reincarnation exists.

As for me, personally, I'm pleased that I finally found a deep conditioner for my hair. For the first time in thirty years, it's silky soft.

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Dish as Therapy

I've decided to return to my roots. The truth is, I've been depressed. The blues are normal--like the kind you get when your dream comes true and you're the focus of attention. Five minutes later, there's silence and life goes on. It's ego-bruising so I'm stumbling around, trying to remember who I am and what I like to do.  Since I'm no longer 19, I've decided against chain-smoking or drinking. Call me officially old, but my cure of choice is: Obsessing with the Stars.

First off: the GMA bloodbath. Dish is delirious not to have Josh Elliott's smug mug rain on her Robin Roberts love parade. Though according to not-so-valid sources, conflict will ensue as Amy Robach (my new personal hero--giving cancer the middle finger and marrying Melrose Place's Andrew Shue) and Lara Spencer aren't in love. Now, Michael Strahan has signed on as clean-up, so those cute dog rescue stories will be covered. Is Today laughing its ass off? I would if I thought this movement was disastrous. I see it as weed-wacking. Funny how the whole Ann Curry mess is so yesterday.

Second: We're offering to inherit Gloria Vanderbilt's 200M fortune since Anderson doesn't need it. We don't need it either, but we want it.

Third: Dish went to see Rocky on Broadway, starring the great Andy Karl, Margo Seibert, and Terrence Archie. The actors' stellar performances, the staging and the story are worth seeing over and over again (music/lyrics mostly terrible, but you don't wind up caring so much). Dish was misty-eyed throughout the show. After the fabulous training montages, I went straight to the gym, wearing a hoodie (and hurt my back). Rocky is my new Jersey Boys (Just kidding, TG. I'll only see Rocky one more time, maybe three). 

Fourth: I've been on Alec-Baldwin-watch and so far, he hasn't left New York. In fact, his wife is featured in today's Post, doing sexy yoga poses and insisting that she'll never leave the city.  I was so waiting for a week without a Baldwin. They are liars!