Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Which Sandra Bullock Character Are You?

If you want to take this important quiz, click here. Being slightly witchy (in an uptight, constipated way), Dish is Sally Owens from Practical Magic. Can I stir my coffee without using my hand? Only if you assume I put anything in it.

Joaquin Phoenix stunned us all--and by all, I mean me--by announcing his engagement here. My first thought was--and I'm ashamed because I should talk--who would marry this hot mess? TG is the answer.

Today's confession is that I've stopped running. I've stopped exercising and can say now with scientific certainty that not exercising has a terrible effect on the body. The only positive is that I'm very thin, but after reading this Post by Elizabeth Gilbert, I got back on the treadmill today without feeling the urge to flee. Tonight, I will eat carrot cake and every other fattening thing I can find.

Monday, December 08, 2014

Is Amal Pregnant?

After careful examination, Mrs. George Clooney might just be wearing a poofy dress in today's TMZ, but then, if I thought cameras were on me, I'd mess with them big-time and stick out my gut. I hope they keep everyone guessing.
I won't fall for pregnancy rumors since Julia came out in this a few years ago and Dishbrother told me she was preggo with amateur confirmation by Dishbrotherhusband. As it turns out, Julia had had a big lunch and maybe a soy vanilla protein smoothie (this gives Dish major saddlebags).

Still gaga over The Affair. I don't get it since the show is about a  seemingly mundane fling gone awry. Or is it just the godliness trifecta of Dominic West/Ruth Wilson/Pacey that keeps Dish enthralled?

There's nothing else. Except for True Tori (please get those implants taken out. No one cares about your t*ts. It's all about the butt now). Oh, and the Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce, which is surprisingly entertaining. There is much girly whininess, but Lisa Edelstein can make any shit-show shine.

Sunday, December 07, 2014

Catching Up on Reality

18 months ago, I updated this blog every day. What's happened? Though some may beg to differ (*cough*Mom, *cough* TG) am starting to believe that obsessing about the stars might be the key to my mental health.

So for starters, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Asslips is on fire, my new favorite character. Her hair is the same, lips the same as the last 25 years. Why mess with what works? She's bubbly, perky and I would like a Lisa Rinna IV in my veins.

Vanderpump Rules: Not so trashy as last season but Kristin is the train wreck that I need. I learned so much from Jax's nose job and Tom, as in how to hide bad-ish skin. Plus, I'm fascinated by how Stassi infiltrates despite having no purpose on the show. Goat cheese balls indeed.

Madam Secretary: Tea Leoni can do no wrong. The implausibility alone makes me bubble over with happiness, like she has time to spend so much time with her family, chat adorably with hubby and look unmussed yet mussed. As I avoid looking at Bebe Newirth's 90s frizz, I focus on Joan from Mad Men's husband who is carving out his own identity.

The Good Wife: Jumped the shark by killing Will. I continue watching because of David Hyde Pierce.

Grey's Anatomy: The show is dying, so returning to the original Meredith/McDreamy conflict. Karev is the only one I'd let operate on me. Praying Geena Davis lives through her brain tumor.

Nashville: Though I wish I were her, Rayna makes one stupid mistake after another--and looks amazing at the same time. Why would you ever choose Luke over Deacon (the alcoholism would be a deal-breaker for Dish)? I live for the ecstatic romantic reunion between either: Juliette and Avery and/or Gunther and the Airhead Who Gets Panic Attacks on Stage.

Because I've binged on every TV show imaginable, I'm rewatching Queer As Folk and understanding once again that in most crises, one must ask: What would Brian Kinney do?

Can't bring myself to discuss Bill Cosby.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Beverly Hills Housewives and Vanderpump BACK!

I can live again! And the living gets easier--happier--when Asslips is back on the air! Seriously, I love Lisa Rinna and anytime I see her, it's like a garden of fun--with massive lips and hair that hasn't changed its style in 20 years. I love her, I love her, I love her. My brother and I are so ready for this, November 18!!!

Dish is heading toward loving the stars again. Got the new Taylor Swift album, 1989, not because it's great (though it is) but because she's smart as beans and I want to support her reign over humanity.

To further my support of cool XXs, I've decided that Tori and Mary Jo need to leave Dean and his migraines in a side room and take over True Tori for themselves. I expect shows on crafting, gluten-free cooking, and just fun girl talk (nail polish!).

In out of character news, Dish poked a bear. Shouldn't have, got a snarly, mean response, but I LIKED DOING IT. Am I officially evil...or was this an aberration? I've been a nice girl for too long. Well, not to everybody.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Affair and Rediscovery of Dominic West and Maura Tierney

After two tragic losses in the comedy world (Robin William and Joan Rivers), Dish had to regroup and soul-search. I read some Pema, tried The Artist's Way again, and worked my way through The Goldfinch. What is the meaning of life? Why do worthwhile people die? Can I really survive on Pain Quotidien mini-espresso cakes? What's the point of going outside when everything can come to you? Can Candy Crush be considered therapy and can I buy more games using my Health Savings account?

I did so much to chase away these deep, often morose thoughts. First and foremost, there is the TG  obsession and mood-booster. Like, I could watch the back of his head for an entire movie. Look how he is watching 21 Jump Street. He has no idea I take covert pictures, like this. I'm in so much trouble if he sees this. I have thousands of these.

So let's talk about celebrities. We are watching The Voice, and we're all about Blake. TG doesn't think Gwen is pretty, which is awful, the same way he doesn't think Cate Blanchett is a good actress (I only spill because I know he won't see this! It's our little secret). Gwen is perfect (as are Adam and Pharrell).

Shows I'm considering ditching: Grey's Anatomy. Shark jumped, maybe even before Christina left. I stopped caring after the plane crash. Nashville--also sucking with Rayna and Luke, who are as sizzling as my extremities in any season (I have lifeless cold hands). I remain only because I want Juliette to tell Avery she's knocked up with his baby.

Shows I'm watching: Homeland. I can't get enough of my Carrie and Saul. The Affair. Call it the lure of another movie poster with people seductively in the water. Lisa Rinna and Gail O'Grady did it best! There's also Pacey from Dawson's Creek, Dominic West and Maura Tierney. I love that these people have jobs and the storyline itself sucks you in, even if it's dark and derivative. I love forbidden love that ends in tragedy (on television/movies/books only).

And now back to The Voice...and watching TG's hair move as he laughs.

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Gorgeous Bun in the Oven

The world gasped today as news broke that Eva Mendes will soon be pushing out via scheduled C-section her baybay with Ryan Gosling. No one is thinking about Eva, how lucky Ryan is to have impregnated her. I'm a little worried because sometimes two beautiful people does not a pretty baby make. (though Dish thinks Ryan looks like a psychotic banana and The Notebook bleeeeewwwwww)

This news only proves my celebrity ESP since just the other day I was contemplating Eva while Swiffering the bedroom. And before you think I'm playing into a sad, offensive stereotype, the truth is that I'd been purging my apartment and had agonized over whether or not to discard my Hitch DVD. Did I love her enough to keep it? I can see always admire Eva is print ads, where I feel she shines most as an artist. She is an amazing model. And now I adore her for keeping her fetus a secret.

Michelle Rodriguez and Zac Efron a couple? Dish doesn't believe it. And now I'm more skeptical that Joe Mangianello (?) and Sofia are making whoopie behind closed doors.

New speculation: Will Rosie rejoin The View? I hope so. I stopped watching when she left. She and Whoopi can rule as far as I'm concerned. Dish wants more smart, cranky women on TV--and I'm available starting now.

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

What Brings Me Back

I could give excuses for my silence:

1. Middle age
2. Dish-relative's frightening injury and my downward spiral into contemplating mortality (not mine, of course)
3. Overall decay of the mind
4. I hate summer
5.  The World Cup: the German coach has me frozen with fear.
6. Lindsay Lohan's father might be procreating yet again with same babymama he keeps brawling with and who keeps winding up in jail. This world is going to hell.


So what do I have to say? Here it is: I read that Sofia Vergara and Brian Mangianello (that's probably not his name), the tall guy from True Blood (the dark-haired one) are an item. I almost can't picture it because both are far too attractive to be in the same room. Do you believe these two make out and do other things?

I'd have to see pictures.

I'll leave you with an embarrassing confession. This is not the first time I've been an airhead:

I've bought three tickets to Rocky The Musical. I've only seen it once.

The first ticket I'd accidentally purchased for a night when I had fixed plans. I didn't realize it till the last minute. The second time I went. As a reward for surviving a challenging week, I bought a third ticket and then all hell broke loose. Won't buy another ticket until I have a clear calendar and everyone is safe, i.e. never.

Friday, May 09, 2014

The Selfie in the Room

I finally saw the James Franco selfie and, frankly, it's sort of like the Mona Lisa in person -- meh. What I find appalling is the stir it's caused. Isn't this the Franco we've been experiencing for years now? Are we this bored? I can't diss too much. Lookswise, he reminds me of one of my hot cousins (I have many, many hot cousins). It's difficult for me to invest in this Franco, who seems out of it. Comparing his selfie to the Beckham billboards--not the same thing. Dish always makes sure to get paid gazillions before showing off the bod.

Franco, Kim and Lindsay's slobbering is why I'm on a British jag. Sorry to be so conformist but Benedict Cumberbatch is far more articulate in interviews--he even takes Harrison's breath away. We tried watching Doc Martin after Sherlock, but the pace was too slow for TG and Doc's gigantic mouth was very distracting. Some members of DishFamily are is in love with him. Notice the plural.

I'm burying the lead.

I think I saw Paul Simon at my deli!!! On my way to get lunch, this little old man I could totally have stepped on entered and there was talk of getting him "the soup he likes." Dish lingered, fishing for more items to purchase, say, a bran muffin for TG. How cute that people are so fussy about soup.

Two hours later, I passed Stephanie March hailing a taxi. It's not the first time I've seen her in the hood and I'm always blown away by her effortless beauty (I'd insert curse word, but I'm a lady). She is younger than me. :(