Thursday, January 14, 2016

Celebrities Must Stay Inside for the Time Being

This week hasn't been kind to the stars. Losing David Bowie was hard enough for Dish, but Alan Rickman, too? Then just this morning, Celine Dion's husband, René Angélil, who discovered her at age 12, also lost his battle with cancer. You know what? Fuck cancer.

How to lift one's spirits after these losses?

Google Gwen and Blake, which I've done. Do a few puzzles--also done. Eat a vanilla kreme donut, yes. Think about how these stars made our lives better. That's easy to do.

I'm insanely lucky that I got to see David Bowie in concert in 1990--the best artist I've ever seen. He created on a different plane from all the rest. Twice, I saw Alan Rickman turn a so-so play on Broadway into something captivating. He was hot, hot, hot as anything he wanted to be--Snape, Colonel Brandon, the crappy husband in Love Actually. And I'm thankful René Angélil found Celine Dion because in 1998, that freaking song "My Heart Will Go On," well, it coaxed a few tears from Dish during a potent Titanic phase (for which I'm ashamed since it is one of the shittiest movies of all time). Also "New Day" was one of my anthems after a particularly awful year.

Our hearts will go on, but they're a little heavier.

And now to watch the hot mess that is the Republican debate, where there are plenty of candidates I'd rather see vanish. I shouldn't say that, should I?  No apologies here. Life is short!

Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Gwen and Blake Are Better Than Reality

When Blake and Gwen became a couple, I threw down my book on Seneca, famous ancient Roman philosopher, and rushed to get the dirt. No need for stoicism when you have Gwen's outrageous outfits, Blake's gut-tickling humor, and three hours a week of sizzling chemistry on The Voice.

The pain I feel over next week's finale cuts deep, and I am hoping tabloids will keep me stocked with pics of their canoodling until next fall. Forget Kim and Kanye's baby deity or Trump's Hitleresque rantings (yes, I said that). You're okay if you focus on Gwake.

With constant Youtubing and TMZing and Googling--sending links to TG, friends and relatives--call me grateful that they've pulled me back into celebrity obsessiveness. Duran Duran just wasn't cutting it even with their excellent new album. After thirty-plus years, there is no hope beyond my usual nosebleed seats, which doesn't appeal to my almost-fifty lazy ass. Screw Seneca and delayed and expensive gratification.

Gwake is free*, immediate and middle-age sassy.

*Not free if you buy Gwen's collaboration with Urban Decay. It's 58$. Yes, I did.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Politicians Are Celebrities, Too

Now that the presidential campaign is in full circus, I'm putting forth ways to survive the next fifteen months.

1. Unfollow Facebook friends who post more than three times about their candidate. It's sort of like those Jenny Craig commercials. Sure, I want to lose weight, sure I wanna eat right. Don't tell me how you did it. Dish discovered that the most annoying are those within her own party. The other side of the aisle friends post far less because they just know.

2. Enjoy the crazy. Really, The Ginger Snap is hilarious, so offensive that I've stopped being offended because my skin is thicker than his (notice how I'm bragging--so like Ginger). We've had insane Presidents before. There are plenty out there ruling other lands. I don't take hyperbolist-misogynists seriously because ...

3. It's going to get a lot worse in a year. Patience is important for any campaign. I got plenty riled up in 2007 but come 2008, my vision of Utopia vanished, for many reasons. I don't believe in Utopia this time and just want someone who can navigate A-hole Waters and won't let my retirement fund go to hell.

4. If you're going to argue about politics, don't do it on social media. Remember the days of arguing over the dinner table? Sadly, my kind-hearted and knowledgeable husband "lost" a Facebook friend because of a political disagreement. In a rash of temper, that friend publicly ended their decades-old friendship, which prompted me to unfriend and permanently ban that person from our lives. It's all really, really stupid.

5. Though odious, put yourself in the shoes of someone whose beliefs are not yours. Isn't that American? I forget to do this, especially when I see posts that are anti-women, anti-LBGT, anti-choice, anti-religious freedom, just anti-everything and nasty. I stew, I rage, and then, after taking it out on my husband, I let the anger pass. Luckily, I live with/have lived with/am related to/love people who think differently. Isn't that nice? Maybe not, but whaddya gonna do, send non-Dish-thinkers to a slaughterhouse?

6.  Know that, the one who spouts fewer clichés will win. In this era of crap, a lot of crap just won't fly. Making America Great Again will sink like a wet cat fart. As will building the middle class and finally making Wall Street pay. I leave those promises to Wonder Woman -- maybe Batman if he runs as an Independent and shows us his breasts. Call me optimistic, but even a Prez needs an X factor these days. Rick Perry should have thought beyond the new glasses--though Dish likes the look.

7. Now is not the time to binge-watch news shows and browse Twitter feeds. Ginger Snap's nightly Town Halls and declarative Tweets have become a snore. Now if Jeb Bush posts swim-trunk shots on his Intagram, I'm there.

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Which Sandra Bullock Character Are You?

If you want to take this important quiz, click here. Being slightly witchy (in an uptight, constipated way), Dish is Sally Owens from Practical Magic. Can I stir my coffee without using my hand? Only if you assume I put anything in it.

Joaquin Phoenix stunned us all--and by all, I mean me--by announcing his engagement here. My first thought was--and I'm ashamed because I should talk--who would marry this hot mess? TG is the answer.

Today's confession is that I've stopped running. I've stopped exercising and can say now with scientific certainty that not exercising has a terrible effect on the body. The only positive is that I'm very thin, but after reading this Post by Elizabeth Gilbert, I got back on the treadmill today without feeling the urge to flee. Tonight, I will eat carrot cake and every other fattening thing I can find.

Monday, December 08, 2014

Is Amal Pregnant?

After careful examination, Mrs. George Clooney might just be wearing a poofy dress in today's TMZ, but then, if I thought cameras were on me, I'd mess with them big-time and stick out my gut. I hope they keep everyone guessing.
I won't fall for pregnancy rumors since Julia came out in this a few years ago and Dishbrother told me she was preggo with amateur confirmation by Dishbrotherhusband. As it turns out, Julia had had a big lunch and maybe a soy vanilla protein smoothie (this gives Dish major saddlebags).

Still gaga over The Affair. I don't get it since the show is about a  seemingly mundane fling gone awry. Or is it just the godliness trifecta of Dominic West/Ruth Wilson/Pacey that keeps Dish enthralled?

There's nothing else. Except for True Tori (please get those implants taken out. No one cares about your t*ts. It's all about the butt now). Oh, and the Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce, which is surprisingly entertaining. There is much girly whininess, but Lisa Edelstein can make any shit-show shine.

Sunday, December 07, 2014

Catching Up on Reality

18 months ago, I updated this blog every day. What's happened? Though some may beg to differ (*cough*Mom, *cough* TG) am starting to believe that obsessing about the stars might be the key to my mental health.

So for starters, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Asslips is on fire, my new favorite character. Her hair is the same, lips the same as the last 25 years. Why mess with what works? She's bubbly, perky and I would like a Lisa Rinna IV in my veins.

Vanderpump Rules: Not so trashy as last season but Kristin is the train wreck that I need. I learned so much from Jax's nose job and Tom, as in how to hide bad-ish skin. Plus, I'm fascinated by how Stassi infiltrates despite having no purpose on the show. Goat cheese balls indeed.

Madam Secretary: Tea Leoni can do no wrong. The implausibility alone makes me bubble over with happiness, like she has time to spend so much time with her family, chat adorably with hubby and look unmussed yet mussed. As I avoid looking at Bebe Newirth's 90s frizz, I focus on Joan from Mad Men's husband who is carving out his own identity.

The Good Wife: Jumped the shark by killing Will. I continue watching because of David Hyde Pierce.

Grey's Anatomy: The show is dying, so returning to the original Meredith/McDreamy conflict. Karev is the only one I'd let operate on me. Praying Geena Davis lives through her brain tumor.

Nashville: Though I wish I were her, Rayna makes one stupid mistake after another--and looks amazing at the same time. Why would you ever choose Luke over Deacon (the alcoholism would be a deal-breaker for Dish)? I live for the ecstatic romantic reunion between either: Juliette and Avery and/or Gunther and the Airhead Who Gets Panic Attacks on Stage.

Because I've binged on every TV show imaginable, I'm rewatching Queer As Folk and understanding once again that in most crises, one must ask: What would Brian Kinney do?

Can't bring myself to discuss Bill Cosby.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Beverly Hills Housewives and Vanderpump BACK!

I can live again! And the living gets easier--happier--when Asslips is back on the air! Seriously, I love Lisa Rinna and anytime I see her, it's like a garden of fun--with massive lips and hair that hasn't changed its style in 20 years. I love her, I love her, I love her. My brother and I are so ready for this, November 18!!!

Dish is heading toward loving the stars again. Got the new Taylor Swift album, 1989, not because it's great (though it is) but because she's smart as beans and I want to support her reign over humanity.

To further my support of cool XXs, I've decided that Tori and Mary Jo need to leave Dean and his migraines in a side room and take over True Tori for themselves. I expect shows on crafting, gluten-free cooking, and just fun girl talk (nail polish!).

In out of character news, Dish poked a bear. Shouldn't have, got a snarly, mean response, but I LIKED DOING IT. Am I officially evil...or was this an aberration? I've been a nice girl for too long. Well, not to everybody.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Affair and Rediscovery of Dominic West and Maura Tierney

After two tragic losses in the comedy world (Robin William and Joan Rivers), Dish had to regroup and soul-search. I read some Pema, tried The Artist's Way again, and worked my way through The Goldfinch. What is the meaning of life? Why do worthwhile people die? Can I really survive on Pain Quotidien mini-espresso cakes? What's the point of going outside when everything can come to you? Can Candy Crush be considered therapy and can I buy more games using my Health Savings account?

I did so much to chase away these deep, often morose thoughts. First and foremost, there is the TG  obsession and mood-booster. Like, I could watch the back of his head for an entire movie. Look how he is watching 21 Jump Street. He has no idea I take covert pictures, like this. I'm in so much trouble if he sees this. I have thousands of these.

So let's talk about celebrities. We are watching The Voice, and we're all about Blake. TG doesn't think Gwen is pretty, which is awful, the same way he doesn't think Cate Blanchett is a good actress (I only spill because I know he won't see this! It's our little secret). Gwen is perfect (as are Adam and Pharrell).

Shows I'm considering ditching: Grey's Anatomy. Shark jumped, maybe even before Christina left. I stopped caring after the plane crash. Nashville--also sucking with Rayna and Luke, who are as sizzling as my extremities in any season (I have lifeless cold hands). I remain only because I want Juliette to tell Avery she's knocked up with his baby.

Shows I'm watching: Homeland. I can't get enough of my Carrie and Saul. The Affair. Call it the lure of another movie poster with people seductively in the water. Lisa Rinna and Gail O'Grady did it best! There's also Pacey from Dawson's Creek, Dominic West and Maura Tierney. I love that these people have jobs and the storyline itself sucks you in, even if it's dark and derivative. I love forbidden love that ends in tragedy (on television/movies/books only).

And now back to The Voice...and watching TG's hair move as he laughs.