Monday, April 30, 2012

Barry Manilow at Radio City Tonight!

There are no words, except FANILOWS UNITE! I'm trying to contain my excitement because it feels as if I'm cheating on Duran Duran. I love Barry! I hope his hip replacement work tonight. I'm ready to sing and dance and revel in being 13 again.

Khloe and Lamar are ending their show after the second season. Doesn't that sound so reasonable? Reality shows should come with a time limit. Real life takes priority. I'm going to try to watch less reality TV, though all will go to hell when The Bachelorette returns with Emily Maynard.

If it weren't for Barry, I'd say it's a Monday:

My browser seems to be flooded once again with LeAnn Rimes bikini shots. She used to be a SINGER. What happened? It's as if she went from having a career to being Mrs. Eddie Cibrian, as if that's a step up.

Some fallout from the Kimmel Correspondents' Dinner speech. Keith Olbermann zinged JK for his cracks. Why are my feelings so mixed? Keith is just so yicky, polarizing, but he is entertaining as sh*t. It's hard for me to imagine him not on TV and, yet, his diva ways make it so. Perhaps he could take over Khloe and Lamar's time slot. Keith Kardashian.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Comedy Central at The White House Correspondents Dinner

Dish spent too much time hooked on mundane moments at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Stiff people standing and greeting each other. But TG was making Pad Thai and what could I do? Read Balzac? Please. (tho I do love the Balz--esp Père Goriot)

The excitement began at 10-ish with Obama's roast. Prezzie seemed at ease, though am I the only one who thought "the delicious pitbull" pun was an odd cunnilingus joke? Michelle looked positively baffled and a little horrified. Lots of dog-eating in his speech, though Dish is down with off-color jokes to break the ice. Then came Kimmel who seemed very nervous. He did a lovely job, had some jokes that made TG howl (one of my fave sights) along with some stinkers. Seal of Approval, JK.

You knew there would be slams against Lindsay and Kim and, despite this, these gals both looked beautiful. I will say this about the Kardashians: They are all great sports. They laugh along with the jokes and never seem miffed -- a good lesson for us all. I've done my own criticizing of these two. It's so easy. I don't think enough about how hard it must be for them to receive constant negativity.

No, I can't give up criticism entirely. Then I'd be Gen-Y and expect praise for extracting a large booger from my nose.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

"I Have a Little Bit of a Temper"

Am I brain damaged or was the Mel Gibson interview on the Tonight Show really strange, disturbing, yet a smidgeon reasonable? It sort of was like Real Housewives in that it involved a group of unlikeable people, venting publicly. Eszterhas seems to loathe women, as does Gibson, they fought, and Jay, well, he has no filter. I guess I never warmed to him after Johnny Carson left, and the Conan fiasco was truly barbaric. He seems to smile away the bad stuff, like when Hugh Grant got caught with the prostitute and he had that "What were you thinking?" line. And yet, despite the insanity, I can't bring myself to throw away my Lethal Weapon DVDs. Luckily, Conspiracy Theory has Julia, thus is a keeper for life.

Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian are at the White House Correspondents Dinner, guests of Fox News. There will be jokes, made by more liberal media (anything is more liberal than Fox!), which will backfire. We've heard enough about these two.

Buffy is preggo with baby #2.

Thank you to Nick Rhodes for his liberal use of eye makeup these last 29 years. I had an errand to run, my face was wan from too much indoor time. I thought of Nick and took out my black eyeliner. It gave me a boost.

Blogger Psychology

I went to this women's blogging seminar and the girl in front of me--dark hair, 25ish, big black glasses, well put-together--turned around and asked me what I did. I responded that I loved celebrities--really loved them--and tried to be nice. She said, "You can't be nice. No one wants to read that..." then whirled around in her seat.

Oh yeah? Well, I don't care, girly. Okay, maybe it's more complicated than that. I have mean thoughts, sure. But, ask anyone, I really am obsessed with stars I see as awesome. I can't stop thinking about them. They are my CO2, the release I need after a long day.

I've been thinking of the blogger's thought pattern, especially after reading the exchange between a blogger on and Evan Marriott, Joe Millionaire from a thousand years ago. The initial post is mean, and EM responded eloquently*. The blog changed its mind about Evan--all is forgiven. I might have done the same thing if a star confronted me on a mean item I'd written. After bullying in the headlines and a confrontation with Jennifer Aniston, Perez Hilton changed his tone from mean to nicer. There isn't the funny edge anymore but he might sleep better.

The idea of curtailing freedom of speech saddens me. Some super-funny critics nail it (thank you, Anthony Lane and David Denby of the New Yorker), but generally, the culture of blogging and critiquing has become nastier. It's "honest" to be mean, right? I hear people on the street yelling into their phones lines I heard on Real Housewives the night before. The pointing of the finger is everywhere. But who doesn't like a good zinger? When they come in a flood, a sassy four-eyed brunette can transform into a bottom-feeder, bold enough to criticize an elder for wanting to be nice.

At the gym, I watched fifteen minutes of Mob Wives and started to hyperventilate from the cattiness. I had to run home to my sanctuary.

Those my deep yet unresolved thoughts of the day. Time for an afternoon scotch.

*Except he needs a lesson in using a comma of direct address--a Dish pet peeve

Friday, April 27, 2012

Shame and Bethenny Frankel

What a long week. I don't know about you but it seemed to drag on forever. Maybe I shouldn't have spent three hours unraveling a big knot in a skein of silk yarn (thanks, Dishcousin, for the kerchief pattern!) or tried to convince TG to watch Bridesmaids or Bridget Jones. He is obstinate in not watching but every six months, he'll give in to one piece of crap.

To commemorate the institution of marriage, I watched Bethenny Ever After. The woman scared me on The Real Housewives of New York City, like her arguments with the other women were frightening. But she's far more sedate and funny with her own show. How strange and different that women aren't fighting all the time on a reality show--which makes me wonder if Andy Cohen is actually Satan. I found myself desperately wanting to hang out with B-Frank after two episodes. I'd learn so much. And who knew Hoda was such a delight!

Then, after rampant buzz, Charlize Theron's flirtatious crack about Michael Fassbender's wang and Dishfriend's ooh-lala-ing of him, I had to watch Shame. I'm only 30 minutes through and it's quite good. Thoughtful, hard to watch (no pun intended), moving. Fans of full frontal will enjoy, but for Dish the novelty wears off when you see how "overused" the characters are. M-Fass and Carrie Mulligan are so talented. What I love most is how the flick captures the unrelenting loneliness of life in Manhattan. I highly far, especially if you love deeply depressing movies, which I do!

The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet: 2

I watched it. I loved it. Screw critics. Dish has been thirsting for "you go, girlfriend" content, ergo the Ally McBeal and Sex and the City marathon, and AdC provided.

I now count Jane Fonda, Sarah Silverman, Zoe Saldana and Gwyneth Paltrow as my besties.

And Amanda, I've forgiven for stealing my man twenty years ago. She's lovely, except for the interrupting. It only bothered me with Jane. You don't finish Jane's sentence. But I'm humbled by these women's stories and AdC's candor.


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Are You Going to Watch The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet?

Tonight on Lifetime. It's supposed to be a frank show where stars reveals juicy tidbits about their lives. And who better to host than my former nemesis, the woman I've tried to erase from my mind since I was 23, Amanda de Cadenet. She is a triple threat: blonde, gorgeous and British.

I like a good show featuring women, though am curious that it might be too canned. Maybe the stars will give us a little nugget with a cute smirk, then back to revealing a better version of their public selves. Except for Sarah Silverman and I'll watch for her and it's hard not to stare at AdC's flawless prettiness. I applaud AdC for having a different and specific kind of show. Who wouldn't want to be provocative yet coy and sit next to AdC, who is truly glam?

My only real beef is that on the show, AdC alleges she married Duran Duran's John Taylor at 16, but Dish remembers another version. Picture it: Dishbiologicalfather's house. Yellow kitchen. Dish is temping at a place that builds rockets in a suburb of Cleveland (there is nothing sadder), home for vacation. On the news came the thunderbolt that severed my heartstrings. Not only did John Taylor marry someone other than me but someone younger (4 years younger, not 7). This meant that when I was 14, bemoaning being too young for him, it was all for naught.

Oh God, why am I arguing with myself? I can't fight the system or the lure of glossy stars talking "candidly" with one of the most gorgeous model/personality/actress/photographers on Earth. But first, might rewatch ludicrous male fantasy flick she was in called Fall, in which she alludes to her flatulence. This evens the score.

Never mind all of the above. Scandal takes precedence. Or maybe I'll just knit and stare at TG while he reads.

Happy Birthday, Roger Taylor of Duran Duran!!!

Birthday Letter to Roger Taylor,

Over the last 29 years, I haven't paid much attention to you. You're the quiet one, you do your job, you don't appear to destroy hotel rooms or show/tell about a substance abuse problem, you're aging well and you even picked a more sedate life over continuing with your supergroup in the late 80s-early 2004s*. If you're secretly insane, you keep it to yourself.

The truth about my neglect is as follows: When I took the Facebook quiz, "Which Duran Duran Member Are You", it came out that I was YOU. The moment was very Heathcliff/ Catherine-esque but without the angsty romance and foggy moors. I remember where I was, in my office, the natural sun shining through the window and me smack dab in the middle of Main Street, Realityville. It all made sense. My oversight, my lack of constant praise (you know, Le Bon probably needs it more) for the gift that you are to the world was a minor form of self-loathing. Today I rejoice because I am Roger Taylor. And it's my birthday.

While Duran Duran continued after you left, it wasn't the same. You are an essential piece of the puzzle, the subtle/sublime/poker faced drum-twirl in "Girls on Film" that adds necessary oomph to a moment.

Happy 5__th birthday, you silent rogue!

Eating cake in your/my honor,

*For which I forgave you but only after several years and not fully. Can one ever truly forgive oneself?

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

She's My Hero!

Ryan Seacrest caused a stir by possibly not hosting American Idol due to stomach flu. But now she's my role model because she did the show and now I will too even if I can't breathe due to flowering juniper in the air which turns me into the Scratchy Queen of the Watering Eyes.

In other news, Barack is being groovy with Jimmy Fallon: Barack's a little stiff, but Jimmy and the Roots have it going on.

I'm eager to know what Hershey thought of last night's Glee. Kurt definitely took several stupid pills but let's hope it resulted in lots of spontaneous makeout sessions.

The John Edwards trial seems to be revealing the ick of this man. What could he possibly do except get sh*ttier haircuts to show he's not such an elitist douche.

Happier: Katherine Heigl and Josh adopted again.
Happier still: Jason Trawick is now her Britney Spears's conservator. I want a conservator. I'm tired of writing checks and ordering takeout--I mean, cooking hot meals for my man. Can't someone hire someone to do all this for me? Jason and Papa Spears, your services are needed here. Britney and I would totally get along.

Praise for Lisa Nicole Carson

Dish has been on an Ally McBeal rampage, a show that is even better 15 years later and on the second go-around. David Kelley was ahead of his time in some ways and many of his words and cases are prophetic. It was easy for me to love Lisa Nicole Carson aka Renee since she seemed like the fun roommate we all want -- pushy, game for PJs and ice cream, strong, and able to beat the crap out of a wayward date. Ally was harder for me to like. I resented her in 1997 because we were the same age. She was so skinny and I was only just a little skinny. She was a lawyer and I was...well...struggling. She was a big pain and I was...well...I couldn't make a decision (I still struggle), which is its own pain in the butt. I love Ally now as well as Renee. The secondary characters found other projects, mostly, but I wondered whatever happened to Lisa Nicole Carson. After exhaustive Dish-research, I discovered she's had a rocky road, leaving the biz altogether. I just want to send out my wishes that she's found her way to peace. And of course, I'd love to see her back on TV again since she was vivacious and lit up the screen. Then again, life itself can be enough. I hope she is happy and healthy, wherever she is.

Who needs show biz?

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Happy Birthday, Babs and Shirl!!!

First, we must give thanks to the lives of Barbra and Shirley, whose birthdays are today. Happy Birthday, you fierce Tauruses! You girls inspire me. Here's some epic Babs and Shirl that'll make your knees weak.

Sorry for the less than dynamic segue but Lindsay Lohan was cast as Elizabeth Taylor for a new Lifetime movie. Dish feels mixed. If this had been the Lindsay of 10 years ago, I would have said BRILLIANT casting. She can look like Elizabeth and act. But she's been terrible of late in movies, like her muscles have atrophied. There is lots of gasket blowing over this casting, which is perfect for building the hype. That's all a movie needs these days--buzz and hype, not necessarily content or talent. Rosie O'Donnell, Star Jones, Michael Lohan, and Donnie Deutsch have weighed in, and you know these are the ones we all look to for up-to-date opinions. That was mean. I do actually listen to them. Can't resist Rosie's sass!

So, if it weren't for goddesses like Shirl and Babs, I'd give up. The Kardashians rule the world. They just got a 40million+$ deal from E for more reality. And will I watch them? Absolutely yes not. They are geniuses the vile scourge of the universe. Maybe I'll donate time and brain cells to more satisfying causes -- like literature and indies.

Are Mila and Ashton really dating? That's cute. I'm still not over the Demi/Ashton breakup but I have to move on at some point. And--Kleenex dab--they're adorable together, like two string beans fried up in butter with almond shavings.

I need more dinner.

Monday, April 23, 2012

I Confess: I Love Tom Cruise Movies!!!

He may be rabid for Scientology, gay or not gay, weird, "a nasty little man"*, so powerful as to remove a Katie Holmes sex scene from Thank You for Smoking, intense, and giver of the strangest and/or corniest interviews ever, but I LOVE HIM. There, I said it. I love Tom Cruise. I love his movies--all of them. They make me feel good. He can't always act. Sometimes he's brilliant. I dunno. I JUST LOVE HIM for the awesome over-40 action star that he is. Today, Dish lost herself in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and, god, he revealed fierce athleticism as he outran a FREAKING SANDSTORM in Dubai. He's not scared of the world's tallest building or wrinkles or getting food poisoning from a random strawberry at a party in Mumbai. He's TOM! Thanks, TC, for delivering escapism once again. So much better than booze and drugs...not that these are my escapes of choice and he'd be against that. Taking my vitamins as we speak, TC! Cleansing!!!

Feels good to get that out.

More goodness: Giuliana and Bill are expecting baby via surrogate. Finally, a nice happy development for these two.

A special shout-out to a special Homegirl, who's been to hell and back. Time to party like it's 1999.

*A friend of a friend said this about dealing with him, but Judge Judy would dismiss this as hearsay, ergo bullcrap.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

A KanKim Sweet Adventure

New York was besieged by Kardashians this weekend. Kim and Kanye went walking through the fields, he picked her some flowers, she giggled and offered him a lick of her ice cream cone. As the cameras clicked away, they indulged in hot PDA then walked to the hotel where they could make passionate love as a Nets game played in the background. Mama Jenner approves! Do we believe any bit of this romance? Not Dish. Show me stains.

Neil Diamond got married. I love this man. Here's my Ally McBeal theme song (though it's really this one and this one), a favorite of mine growing up. Happy marriage, you crazy kids!

Which reminds me, must check Duran Duran tour dates to see when to purchase. And then a PowerPoint strategy to lure TG to his second DD concert. He is key to my somehow meeting the band (it's been 29 years of passive adoration, don't I deserve it?) because he's got the kind of aura people are just drawn to. People stop him on the street all the time. He would find a way. But then he needed a big bourbon to get through the D.C. concert and he didn't smile a lot. Whose needs are more important, his or mine?

Dare you even ask?

Back to my The Killing/Mad Men/Nurse Jackie/The Big C/The Good Wife, Screw You, TV, I Can't DVR all these awesome shows Night Sunday.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Scandal Is the New Smash!

I have another guilty pleasure, along with crappy Smash. I never intended to watch Scandal since Shonda Rhimes creation Grey Anatomy bores me with its implausible plots. Scandal is even worse! Kerry Washington plays this crabby situation fixer who trusts her gut and banters with her crew like an Aaron Sorkin script. She's all about the riot act. Oh and one more thing, she has this tormented relaysh with THE FREAKING PRESIDENT!!! Everyone's heard of Olivia because she's so kickass, though has no fun in her personality, which makes her kinda one-note. You can tell she's good at her job because her delivery is so deadpan. I wish I could stop watching it. I just can't get enough of White House scandals and Tony Goldwyn is well-cast, though reminds me of prep school headmaster.

Then I caught up with The Good Wife and it seems Matthew Perry will be on for a while. Alan Cumming let his gelled shock of dark hair fall boyishly over his face while in bed with Parker Posey. Adorbs!

A source came forward to tell me that Person of Interest films in a certain hood often and they always leave behind the biggest pile of sh*t behind. My source has complained with the city. Other shows are so much cleaner and respectful.

Friday, April 20, 2012

America's Top Model Axes Judges :(

Not that I'm invested but there's been a huge upset in America's Next Top Model in that Tyra Banks fired her three judges, Jay Manuel, J. Alexander (not Jason or Jane), and Nigel Barker. It sounds like a really, really dumb move, though maybe they want to revitalize the brand, leverage their assets to combat future challenges in the marketplace. Who could they possibly get to replace these judges? Dish, of course!!????

David Merkur, a 28-year-old investment banker, made the colossal mistake of sending one of his dates the spreadsheet he used to keep track of the women he met online. She sent it to her friends and now this spreadsheet is everywhere. What's the big deal? I kept similar records during my more prolific dating periods in Manhattan--2001-2002, 2004-2006, 2008-2009--at the very least for future funny stories (Best first 30 seconds of a date ever: "My wife and I are separated. I mean, we're getting divorced.") This spreadsheet is incredibly sane and proves the point: that dating in Manhattan is thoroughly confusing, like a buffet, mostly depressing with too many life stories to keep straight. How long until Merkur is on David Letterman?

Such an ado over Anne Hathaway's "dramatic weight loss" for the new Les Miserables (zzzz) film. Sorry, but Dish went even skinnier within a month. And did they hassle Christian Bale about The Machinist? Anne doesn't look THAT thin, just miserable, which is what the movie calls for. Hard for me to imagine Anne and Hugh Jackman evoking misery, though.

For fun: Sexy veggies, indeed.

Glad this week has come to a close. It started off positive and sunny then took a bad turn, reminding me not to cry in front of people because it looks ugly and also I can solve my own problems. And I finished a silk scarf. What's next?

Thursday, April 19, 2012

2 Tired Women, 2 Angry Men

These women are so tired. I'm so tired. This week, Sarah Linden and Emily Thorne are my role models. On The Killing, Sarah walks around sleep deprived yet determined to solve a case. How she drives around endlessly, chasing leads, I don't know. On Revenge, Emily hides a whopper of a secret and must carry through a genius plan of revenge against the Graysons. Does she sleep? No, because she has to stay one step ahead and she still looks awesome and can beat the crap out of anyone. Dish is horribly sleep deprived now for almost a week. Insomnia makes me dizzy, angry, weepy, spacey, anxious and depressed. I tend to become this on the couch until Sweet Morpheus finds me again. The only good thing about sleeplessness is that I stop eating, ergo can go back to my runway days. TG has fled until sweet Dish returns.

I learned so much today by listening to the latest Mel Gibson rant, released by Joe Eszterhas. You cackle but Gibson should teach classes on unleashing one's demon. Can you imagine, rows of gym bunnies, music pumping all screaming: you f***cking *($)#( c**ks**ckkking [insert ethnic slur] sl**ttttbagwhoooooorrreeeee. Oh, sugar t*ts, you really went off the rails when you did What Women Want. I keep wondering why any woman would want Mel these days. Maybe it's the promise of a sweeter side, the genius that peeks out now and then. Now if only Mel and Alec Baldwin would mud wrestle and scream at each other, it would make my year. At least someone needs to put their rants to club music.

Sadness: Greg Ham from Men At Work was found dead in Melbourne. I'm bathing in tears over insomnia the genius of this song.

Gladness: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer pregnated!!! Awwwww, Sookay.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Rest in Peace, Dick Clark

It's sad to lose this legend, though I'll admit, it was difficult to see him not his perky self these last few years. He'd had a stroke in 2004 and toughed it out, doing the New Years Eve countdown via Ryan Seacrest. Tough to see this showbiz fixture get old. Gotta love DC and we sure did.

This just caps off Dish's sh*tty day. My solution is always to sulk until someone comes up with magic solution. This gets me nowhere 99.9% of the time. Everyone has their own agenda so I should stick to taking care of mine. I've read too many rulebooks that say, "don't talk about your problems too much because no one wants to hear it" so I try to adhere to this. But they say nothing about venting on blogs!!! Is the weekend almost here? Please? Anyone have cake?

The Hanson brothers keep reproducing. The keyboardist is on child #5. Mazeltov and Mmmmmboff.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

In the Pleasure Groove: Love, Death and Duran Duran

You're a thief, John Taylor. This was the title of MY autobiography and now that's f*cked. How could you extract my creative property and use it as your own? Le Bon did this repeatedly with lyrics such as "shake up the picture, the lizard mixture" and "my head is full of chopstick, I don't like it." Okay, maybe I'll let someone AGAIN have priority over my brilliant words, I guess. Officially and seriously, yes, the above is the title of Duran Duran bassist object of Dish fantasies 1983-1984, 1986-1989 John Taylor's autobiography coming out in September/October. A pleasure indeed for Dish and all Duran-aholics! Is it possible to pre-order six months in advance? I'll buy a hardcover and won't even declare it as a tax write-off.

Oh god. I didn't even think that there might be author signings. Room spinning.


Who's Suffering from Post Traumatic Tabloid Disorder?

I need therapy. There are rumors of another Kardashian reproducing. I'm sure they're false, but the suspense is dizzying. Is she fat or pregnant? Baby bump or no? Why is she wearing big clothes? Will her baby end all her sentences in question-marks? Will she drive a Bentley or a sh*tty Jaguar? Let the merry go-round stop.

I've got better things to do, like book tickets to my next Duran Duran concert. Will this finally be the one where I meet them? If so, I'll wear large sunglasses to hide my tears of joy. Must also hide details of expensive trip from TG. He doesn't read this blog anymore so I can write whatever I want! No holds barred.

Last night's Smash: I'm not sure what happened. Love Uma but I see Jaws snaking through the water with Marilyn ready to jump.

I heard of a lawsuit against The Bachelor/The Bachelorette for discriminating against African-Americans. They *must* discriminate since there haven't been anything but white Bachelor/ettes. They sneak in another race--and someone from NYC--now and then as rivals for affection but inevitably that one person takes a hike early on. I'm all for diversity in my crappy reality shows!!! Counting the days until Emily Maynard gets her chance. What if Brad shows up during the season?

Everyone is abuzz over the Brangelina marriage. Plans being made for France, in a chateau, small town church. I don't buy ANY of it. With a big rock on her finger, she's just another skeletal UES socialite, not the woman going on crusades for the poor/hungry. Is Vera Wang going to make the dress? Is she giddy with excitement over food tasting, party favors and invites? I'm thinking nyet!

Speaking of wedding and skeletal people...Dishbrother and I have vowed to be super-skinny for a wedding related event we're attending in three weeks. We want people to think we're sick with match-stick legs and sunken cheeks. Lucky for me, cutting my portions in half has helped me lose about 5 pounds. Artificially-induced stress does wonders as well. I'm blowing it all to hell with a corn muffin tonight. This is why I'll never be on television (Anderson, you also spoiled my dream by leaving me on the cutting room floor).

Monday, April 16, 2012

Gerard Butler Is Enjoying Himself. Stop Him!

First he's singing in bars, now he's whooping it up at Coachella. Gotta keep close watch on him because stars cannot have fun, especially once they leave rehab. Especially if they are adults. For stars, adulthood usually begins around 32 but ends suddenly at 40. In the fifth decade, stars become sad (but potentially interesting at long last). The salary plummets and desperate antics make for excellent headlines. Oh Gerard. Do a great movie, fast...Get rid of the skanky hair. Dish has seen you in the hood during better days. You can do better!

Bones: The Culture guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy starred and stunk up the place. J.J. would have been much better as the evil hairguru. Kidding, getting hair done this weekend. I'm thinking highlights.

So...Simon Cowell is not marrying is fiancee? I need a tranquilizer.

Most important question: How will I resist watching Smash? So bad, so good, so bad.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Kevin Costner Would Never Have Done This!!!

Secret Service agents were sent home because they were busy partying with prostitutes -- BEFORE they did the job of protecting Obama in Colombia. It's such Gen-X, Y thinking: Reward yourself ahead of completing the task. Unprofessional! Dish would like to open up a Charm School, where one learns to be polite, courteous and professional. I need a few refreshers, but at least I have the basics.
Sad to say, the only other news is that Kelsey Grammer got his wife's name tattoo-ed on his hip. First of all, ew. Second of all, TMI. But being psychic, I know exactly what happened. Here's the conversation:

Kayte: (sitting on couch, crying over how uncomfortable it is to carry twins) You have no idea how I feel.

Kelsey: (pacing, raking hand through grizzly hair) And I never will. I'm not a woman, Kayte.

Kayte: You're going to leave me. I'm getting so fat. Camille never got fat.

Kelsey: What do you want me to do?

Kayte: You're no fun anymore.

Kelsey: I play with my Wii, we tweet. How else can I make you happy?

Kayte: Let's go out, do something crazy. SHOTS!

Kelsey: The doctor said to take it easy.

Kayte: I want it in writing. You'll never leave me!!! You don't know what I'm going through!!!

Kelsey: Oh dear God. What's close to the pain of childbirth?

Kayte: Get a tattoo!!!

Kelsey: I hate needles. Oh poo.

Kayte: Do it!!! I'm wife #4, how am I special?

Kelsey: Oh all right. I'll get a 60$ tattoo. Your name in my pelvic region.

Kayte: Oh that is so awesome!!! You love me!!!

(because you certainly can't get a tattoo removed). Sorry. That was mean. It sort of just seems weird. Mostly the 60$ part. The photo is everywhere.

Hilary Clinton seen partying in Colombia, way past her bedtime. Get a lampshade, Hils. I'll always vote for ya!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Star Sighting--Andy Cohen!!!

Last night, 7:19 pm, 14th b/w 7th and 8th: Dish was navigating a haze of allergies when that familiar tingling flooded all senses--star. There he was wearing a sandy linen-ish suit and consulting technology, Bravo god Andy Cohen. He looks exactly in life as he does on TV. I whispered my spotting to TG and he shouted, "Oh, he's the guy who interviews the housewives at the end!!! I like him!!!" I could almost see him contemplating a fourth-wall interruption but luckily we reached the subway and had tickets to see Dishniece in a play.

Mixed news: We learned our stint on Anderson will never see the light of day but I did manage to laugh uproariously over and over at his new giggling outburst. This time it's the phrase "hitting him with her pussywillow" that makes him explode at the 1:38 mark.

Two stars ailing: Ryan O'Neal revealed he has prostate cancer and Robin Gibb is in a coma. Forgive not giving them separate sentences but these illnesses hurt me to the core and I'd rather deny, deny, deny. Best wishes for a speedy recovery, R&R!

I console myself with an Ally McBeal marathon. Am on the John Ritter episode, which makes me truly misty. Jack Tripper 4ever!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Are Brad and Angelina Engaged?

Yes, they are, according to several news sources. Happy Friday the 13th! I was waiting for my metaphorical happy pill and Ange wearing a massive diamond ring provided the euphoria. I'm not sure I believe that after 7 years, they're going to tie the knot, but hey, it's fun to look at bling. It keeps Brange in the news, especially when there are no movies to be had. My recommendation: Milk the engagement and build up to an epic William and Kate-sized wedding with the 6 kids as ring-bearers. Shedding tears already...

Also in the news is Scarlett Johansson (sick of looking up spelling but I know she would do the same for me) dishing in Vogue about her divorce from Ryan and her new beau, that tall ad guy, whom I had to Google to see if they were intellectually compatible. My findings took me to creepy places, reminding me of Fatal Encounters and Criminal Minds. I've watched far too much true crime TV. My dark dating days keep flashing in my mind, dead eyes staring back at me as we go through the paces of a first awful date. Happy happy happy!!!

The Jenners are weighing in on Kim's relationship with Kanye. Mom is delighted (because it's two talentless powerhouses merging into one flaming cauldron of auto-tuned blah blah blah), Bruce Jenner, folding arms, doesn't approve, which is as forceful as it gets for him. Aw, I'm being mean. Especially since I watched their reality show last night, fascinated as Kim hit her sister Khloe, trying hard to keep those boobs from flopping out of her shirt. Khloe deserved it for being jealous that Kim bought a Bentley. It was hateful. I won't go into her bangs.

Hilary Rosen, WTF?

Make the Celebrities Stop Fighting! Someone's Going to Get Hurt!

It's an epidemic! Stars are fighting with writers. Let's get a big pool of creamed corn and watch these violent flesh-balls go at it. I'll bring the Bratwurst and Pepsi.

In ring 1: Sleaze writer Joe Eszterhas and Mel Gibson are dueling over anti-semitic remarks the actor/director allegedly made. Mel claims Joe's script for Maccabees blew moose testes. These two skeeve me out to the max. My advice: Get out a ruler. What else is there to do now that Maccabees is a no-go? And we were all so excited about this one.

In ring 2: The love fest between Andrea Peyser and Alec Baldwin continues--as does Dish's fascination! Though, I find some faulty reporting in her dwelling on his I-swallowed-a-water-buffalo appearance adopted by many doughy middle-aged male stars*. Alec has slimmed down, no doubt encouraged by his seemingly-awesome fiancee**. Doesn't Alec remind you of a certain temperamental, weight-shifting Democrat with woman problems? Teddy Kennedy lives! Okay, I just blasphemed. Is it possible for me not to take sides in this issue? Can't I love them both?

In ring 3: Alec is pissed at NBC and said he's dumping the network after their news crews camped out at his place. I'd rather see his hissy than read passive-aggressive tweets, but as an avid stargazer, do feel stars should have some privacy. Curiosity is a sick beast.

Marc Anthony filed for divorce from J.Lo citing irreconcilable differences, which means 1. Let's just end this thing 2. Something really bad happened. 3. Celebrity marriage ADD. In the case of these two, I'd go for option #1.

Zimmerman was finally charged with second degree murder. Can I get an It's About Time?

*Russell Crowe, Steven Seagal--though Crowe may have slimmed down and Seagal did look svelte in Exit Wounds. These boys yo-yo diet like teenage girls!
**I can't articulate why but she seems like a cool cucumber to Dish.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Wasn't Matt Bomer amazing on Glee?

Best line: "I'm going to pour you a tall glass of 'this is how it is.'" I've never seen White Collar, but Bomer is freaking funny. His chemistry with Criss worked well, too. If the show could be just Jane, Darren and Matt, I'd be happy. Dish lost consciousness seeing Jane Lynch sing along to "Rio." Jane and Duran Duran combined: like farting/sneezing at the same time, i.e. too much happiness released in one moment. I couldn't take it.

As brilliant as he is, Alec Baldwin can't seem to escape his woman problems (I can't quit Altoids). The drama over his alleged stalker continues. Alec sarcasti-Tweeted about The Post's mean girl (whom I find wildly entertaining) Andrea Peyser's journalistic integrity. She answered with an even more vicious column. Dish's advice for Alec: Ditch Yoga and knock AP's boots already! JK. It's hard when Mommy and Daddy fight.

During my lunch break, had to see on Radaronline 10 female celebrities with cellulite, not to judge but to relate...heavily. We mortals can sometimes share a bond more meaningful than a 25M movie deal. It's called cottage cheese legs.

Gossip Girl: Dishcousin and I agreed that Rufus put his balls in a Dixie cup and handed them to Lily when they got married. Must look to Dan and Chuck for seething masculinity in contemporary elitist Manhattan. Blair and Lily continue to be my imaginary BFFs.

Smash (spoiler alert): Shining moment occurs as Anjelica Huston sucks face with the handsome bartender from All My Children. I was a little turned on and repulsed, as I would be watching DishGramma kissing George Clooney. I like the idea but the image would embed itself in my consciousness, felling me during random moments.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

4 and 1/2 Hours Until...

Duran Duran Mash-Up on Glee tonight. Bomer and Criss do Le Bon. For the love of Simon, John, Nick, Roger and Dom, let it be awesome!

Can you feel the rage of Alec Baldwin's stalker? I'm fascinated by stalker language (I must see you, let's have a baby, I need your baby). This one's slightly intelligent, only because she got herself on the front page of The Post (Dish's dream), tarnishing Baldwin's engagement glow. The problem is that stalker's fifteen minutes should last about two since her repertoire is kinda skimpy. Stalker needs to spread her seed, seek out other stars and then gossip about it with friends, build her entourage and rep, minimizing her lame stalking. No man wants a woman who's chasing after him, calling him constantly. The Rules go double with a celebrity. Like I know...

Half Pint hurt herself on DWTS--and no Ma and Pa to tend to her wounds!

Amanda Bynes, stop drinking and get back to work. We want What a Girl Wants II. She is so darling. I hate to imagine her loaded on whiskey sours.

Bikini shot of Julia and I noticed...a tattoo in the bitch spot. You know what this means, don't you? Dish needs one.

Santorum dropping out of race. Hmmmmm. VP candidate?

And who is this new group One Direction? Do I need to know about them? Am still pondering the cultural relevance of Justin Bieber (the haircut is getting olddddd).

Ps. Today Steven Seagal turns really old.

Monday, April 09, 2012

24 Hours Until Duran Duran Mash-Up on "Glee"

Are you hungry?

I'll admit, I snuck a listening of the music and it's missing the epic huskiness of Le Bon vocals, but I'm so freaking excited anyway! I'm sure I'll be squealing quivering hormonal girl-flesh!

Don't Ever Doubt Me Again

The Shows (mild spoiler alerts):

Nurse Jackie: My politically correct self is happy she's in rehab. Devilish Dish wants her to keep taking pills because she's so good at it. Those furtive snorts are genius.

The Killing: The most exciting thing was the nurse putting in Billy Campbell's catheter (you know where).

The Big C: Kinda lame after the AMAZING finale from last season. She gets drunk.

Mad Men: Joan is *back*. Would love her to do a book on how to be a productive vixen.

Lamar Odom leaves the Mavericks, which means he and Khloe are destitute. You gotta wonder if Kardashianism has become cursed, or at least for the boys. One could discuss how emasculating female archetypes (yes, I'm talking to you, Helen and Clytemnestra) are thriving. I like strong women. Just wish these K. powerhouses were more articulate and cracked books. Celebrity Book Club with Dish? I'm about to read House of the Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Squeee!

Today I had to watch Anderson to see my second favorite hypnotist (first is Dishfriendsincediapers) Dr. Paul McKenna put guests into trances and AC's scornful reaction. I will attest to McKenna's awesomeness. He puts me to sleep every night. If you're an insomniac, BUY HIS BOOK, then download accompanying CD onto your iPod.

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Look Who Stalked Dish in Salem?

I swear, Anderson is so obsessed with us, he follows us to the ends of the earth. Dish is back from vacation--and what fun we had: investigating witchipoos, visiting with vivacious and lovely Dishcousin, and soaring over the well-worn route between New York and Boston.

It was difficult to keep from stargazing. Somehow, the alleged Kim K. and Kanye romance penetrated the deep layers of my vacation. My first, last and only comment on their relationship: It's bullsh*t unless ...*. How do I confirm this? The showing of the hickey. Anyone can give anyone a hickey. How high school and tacky is that? Most people over the age of 16 hide their hickeys because hickeys are lame. So why wouldn't Kim hide hers? Because she wants us to see it, and their relationship is BS. No wonder why Kris Humphries is unaffected by the coupling. It's a lie.

More importantly, Mike Wallace, a crabby yet significant figure in the news world died at 93. I'll never forget, about 8 years ago, I was walking to get my head shrunk, probably to agonize over ways that I could steal Russell Crowe (gag!) away from Danielle, when I passed Mike Wallace on East 86th Street, talking on his cell phone. I figured I needed to push myself to do better things with my life. Look at all that he did. Blessings on his coming and going.

*See JJ's comment on previous post.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Good Things Happen When You Talk about Suzy Orman!

Dishbrother and I were having a heart to heart about our love for Suzy Orman, whether we had our 8 month emergency fund (I only have 3) and disclosing money to spouses*. Because my feelings about money are complicated, I did my usual browsing of Duran Duran's Facebook page, which I knew would clarify things. To my shock, I saw my link about the Rio boat on their page. This means...this means...the celebrities I love most...or at least their people know I exist. Just as I was debating whether or not to see them in concert again this summer (make that a 2 month emergency fund). Suzy may deny me, but Duran Duran CANNOT be denied.

Celebs: Sarah Palin's getting revenge against Katie Couric by pushing her way onto the Today Show couch. I digs my Katie, don't begrudge Sarah her TV time. More airtime for foxy ladies over 40.

Minka Kelly and Wilmer Valderrama are canoodling so soon after her lovefest with Derek Jeter in Paris. I don't really know who these people are or why they're taking up so much of my rags. Johnny Depp + Ashley Olsen? Oh God. Downhill from here: Adam Samberg, Kristen Wiig and Jason Sudeikis leaving SNL. Now there really is no show left. Maybe brave new talent will emerge. Dishcat is pissing on the floor in celebration.

So, I'm off to Salem, Massachusetts then Boston for a nice little vacay. Dishmama, a renowned scholar, says I should investigate Salem's trade relationship with China. Like that's going to happen. My brain doesn't visit such levels anymore since Gayatri Spivak and Michel Foucault literally sh*t in my cerebellum. I just want the witch tchatchkas and maybe to get a tour from actual nature-worshiping pagans. If you don't hear from me for a few days, I'm under a divine spell. And your little dog too!

*TG, I just spent 10$ on green nailpolish.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

166 Hours Until the Duran Duran Mash-up on Glee!

Young triple threats Darren Criss and Matt Bomer will sing Duran Duran on Glee next Tuesday. Can you think of anything better? My hope is that their song doesn't leak. Dish is having too much fun imagining what they'll sing. Is anyone Hungry to go to Rio?

So, Sarah Palin is on TV, Levi Johnson knocked up his girlfriend, Obama is campaigning. It must be 2008. It isn't? Oh, thank GOD!!!! What a difference four years can make, n'est-ce pas?

Where were you when you heard that Ashton Kutcher would play Steve Jobs? I read the news and promptly forgot it...until now. My reaction is mixed: I want Ashton to grow into a fine actor and hope this role does it. He looks the part, but can he pull it off? He'll need to go on a diet...which could win him an Oscar.

Titanic 3-D. I'm ashamed that when I saw the trailer, I had tears running down my cheeks. TG never noticed. It's such a crappy movie, yet moved the world. Do I dare break my revolt against 3-D and see it?

Last night's Smash: Who got goosebumps over the trailer for next week's Uma Thurman appearance? Cannot wait! I wish I weren't so hooked on the show. It's a mistake.

I am officially ending the reign of the Housewives. They've all gotten to be so very boring. Erasing DVR after the millionth staged ladies lunch and mud run...

Monday, April 02, 2012

Fess Up, Your Majesty! You're Totally in Love with James Bond!!!

There was an urgency in Dishmama's voice when she called me. The woman's been scouring online rags, no doubt dying of boredom in her sickbed (she's recovering, FYI). Go to Paris Match's website STAT, she ordered. See? It's James Bond and the Queen. Do you think she dyed her hair to meet him? It looks so silvery. Doesn't she look happy? He's the best James Bond ever, I said knowing it was blasphemy but still how I feel. Interesting, she responded noncommittally, shutting down the notion of Dishmama and Dish having a girls' night watching Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. Bottom line, she said: Bond might be opening the Olympic games this summer. Methinks Dishmama Queen Elizabeth has un petit crush on Monsieur Craig!

Good news all around today for the OMPs: Bruce Willis's wife gave birth to his fourth girl. Congratulations on a super-estrogen family! Our favorite comedic actor with anger management issues just got engaged! Think back to last summer when Alec Guinness Baldwin was Twitter-flirting with his then cutie-patootie yoga instructor. Now she's got a rock. Who says helping a celeb exercise doesn't pay off?

The Killing: Nice twists, still too slow. Linden is such a bad mother.

Sunday, April 01, 2012

The Killing is Back!!!

Tonight, The Killing returns. I've waited for this all year, way more than Mad Men, which sent me to Lily White's Party*. My favorite red-haired detective, played by Mireille Enos, is an inspiration. She runs like a gazelle, doesn't eat or sleep or marry her weird fiancé until she finds out who killed Rosie (much like Who Killed Laura Palmer but without the freakiness).

There are public figures one can't help but watch. Keith Olbermann seems a vile creature (based mostly on Dish's psychic thoughts and Page Six) and yet I adore watching him. It didn't surprise me that he was fired by Al Gore's Current TV or that he was replaced by vile-scenery-hogging Elliot Spitzer. The yicky boys stick together, sort of like chunked noodles when one forgets to put oil in the boiling water and then stir. Taking this metaphor further, Keith has popped open the lid, strayed from the clump and jumped, sauceless, onto the white stainless steel stovetop where he will stick forever more. Deep Dish Lesson: Slather yourself in olive oil, separate from the pack while remaining in the pot.

Once Mary Ann's was demoted to a B-rating in my neighborhood, my husband and I raced to eat dinner there. We felt that the potential for vermin scurrying through the kitchen and pooping in corners and other unsafe cooking practices made for more exciting meals. Our expectations were met. The table was sticky and my fork had not been washed. The bus-bathroom deodorizer permeated the main room, reminding me of when TG popped the question over chips and salsa. My cheese quesadillas were delicious, as were the frozen margaritas and pork enchiladas. This place will always be special to me.

*My parents' bald-faced lie to get me to sleep