Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Which Sandra Bullock Character Are You?

If you want to take this important quiz, click here. Being slightly witchy (in an uptight, constipated way), Dish is Sally Owens from Practical Magic. Can I stir my coffee without using my hand? Only if you assume I put anything in it.

Joaquin Phoenix stunned us all--and by all, I mean me--by announcing his engagement here. My first thought was--and I'm ashamed because I should talk--who would marry this hot mess? TG is the answer.

Today's confession is that I've stopped running. I've stopped exercising and can say now with scientific certainty that not exercising has a terrible effect on the body. The only positive is that I'm very thin, but after reading this Post by Elizabeth Gilbert, I got back on the treadmill today without feeling the urge to flee. Tonight, I will eat carrot cake and every other fattening thing I can find.

Monday, December 08, 2014

Is Amal Pregnant?

After careful examination, Mrs. George Clooney might just be wearing a poofy dress in today's TMZ, but then, if I thought cameras were on me, I'd mess with them big-time and stick out my gut. I hope they keep everyone guessing.
I won't fall for pregnancy rumors since Julia came out in this a few years ago and Dishbrother told me she was preggo with amateur confirmation by Dishbrotherhusband. As it turns out, Julia had had a big lunch and maybe a soy vanilla protein smoothie (this gives Dish major saddlebags).

Still gaga over The Affair. I don't get it since the show is about a  seemingly mundane fling gone awry. Or is it just the godliness trifecta of Dominic West/Ruth Wilson/Pacey that keeps Dish enthralled?

There's nothing else. Except for True Tori (please get those implants taken out. No one cares about your t*ts. It's all about the butt now). Oh, and the Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce, which is surprisingly entertaining. There is much girly whininess, but Lisa Edelstein can make any shit-show shine.

Sunday, December 07, 2014

Catching Up on Reality

18 months ago, I updated this blog every day. What's happened? Though some may beg to differ (*cough*Mom, *cough* TG) am starting to believe that obsessing about the stars might be the key to my mental health.

So for starters, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Asslips is on fire, my new favorite character. Her hair is the same, lips the same as the last 25 years. Why mess with what works? She's bubbly, perky and I would like a Lisa Rinna IV in my veins.

Vanderpump Rules: Not so trashy as last season but Kristin is the train wreck that I need. I learned so much from Jax's nose job and Tom, as in how to hide bad-ish skin. Plus, I'm fascinated by how Stassi infiltrates despite having no purpose on the show. Goat cheese balls indeed.

Madam Secretary: Tea Leoni can do no wrong. The implausibility alone makes me bubble over with happiness, like she has time to spend so much time with her family, chat adorably with hubby and look unmussed yet mussed. As I avoid looking at Bebe Newirth's 90s frizz, I focus on Joan from Mad Men's husband who is carving out his own identity.

The Good Wife: Jumped the shark by killing Will. I continue watching because of David Hyde Pierce.

Grey's Anatomy: The show is dying, so returning to the original Meredith/McDreamy conflict. Karev is the only one I'd let operate on me. Praying Geena Davis lives through her brain tumor.

Nashville: Though I wish I were her, Rayna makes one stupid mistake after another--and looks amazing at the same time. Why would you ever choose Luke over Deacon (the alcoholism would be a deal-breaker for Dish)? I live for the ecstatic romantic reunion between either: Juliette and Avery and/or Gunther and the Airhead Who Gets Panic Attacks on Stage.

Because I've binged on every TV show imaginable, I'm rewatching Queer As Folk and understanding once again that in most crises, one must ask: What would Brian Kinney do?

Can't bring myself to discuss Bill Cosby.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Beverly Hills Housewives and Vanderpump BACK!

I can live again! And the living gets easier--happier--when Asslips is back on the air! Seriously, I love Lisa Rinna and anytime I see her, it's like a garden of fun--with massive lips and hair that hasn't changed its style in 20 years. I love her, I love her, I love her. My brother and I are so ready for this, November 18!!!

Dish is heading toward loving the stars again. Got the new Taylor Swift album, 1989, not because it's great (though it is) but because she's smart as beans and I want to support her reign over humanity.

To further my support of cool XXs, I've decided that Tori and Mary Jo need to leave Dean and his migraines in a side room and take over True Tori for themselves. I expect shows on crafting, gluten-free cooking, and just fun girl talk (nail polish!).

In out of character news, Dish poked a bear. Shouldn't have, got a snarly, mean response, but I LIKED DOING IT. Am I officially evil...or was this an aberration? I've been a nice girl for too long. Well, not to everybody.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Affair and Rediscovery of Dominic West and Maura Tierney

After two tragic losses in the comedy world (Robin William and Joan Rivers), Dish had to regroup and soul-search. I read some Pema, tried The Artist's Way again, and worked my way through The Goldfinch. What is the meaning of life? Why do worthwhile people die? Can I really survive on Pain Quotidien mini-espresso cakes? What's the point of going outside when everything can come to you? Can Candy Crush be considered therapy and can I buy more games using my Health Savings account?

I did so much to chase away these deep, often morose thoughts. First and foremost, there is the TG  obsession and mood-booster. Like, I could watch the back of his head for an entire movie. Look how he is watching 21 Jump Street. He has no idea I take covert pictures, like this. I'm in so much trouble if he sees this. I have thousands of these.

So let's talk about celebrities. We are watching The Voice, and we're all about Blake. TG doesn't think Gwen is pretty, which is awful, the same way he doesn't think Cate Blanchett is a good actress (I only spill because I know he won't see this! It's our little secret). Gwen is perfect (as are Adam and Pharrell).

Shows I'm considering ditching: Grey's Anatomy. Shark jumped, maybe even before Christina left. I stopped caring after the plane crash. Nashville--also sucking with Rayna and Luke, who are as sizzling as my extremities in any season (I have lifeless cold hands). I remain only because I want Juliette to tell Avery she's knocked up with his baby.

Shows I'm watching: Homeland. I can't get enough of my Carrie and Saul. The Affair. Call it the lure of another movie poster with people seductively in the water. Lisa Rinna and Gail O'Grady did it best! There's also Pacey from Dawson's Creek, Dominic West and Maura Tierney. I love that these people have jobs and the storyline itself sucks you in, even if it's dark and derivative. I love forbidden love that ends in tragedy (on television/movies/books only).

And now back to The Voice...and watching TG's hair move as he laughs.

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Gorgeous Bun in the Oven

The world gasped today as news broke that Eva Mendes will soon be pushing out via scheduled C-section her baybay with Ryan Gosling. No one is thinking about Eva, how lucky Ryan is to have impregnated her. I'm a little worried because sometimes two beautiful people does not a pretty baby make. (though Dish thinks Ryan looks like a psychotic banana and The Notebook bleeeeewwwwww)

This news only proves my celebrity ESP since just the other day I was contemplating Eva while Swiffering the bedroom. And before you think I'm playing into a sad, offensive stereotype, the truth is that I'd been purging my apartment and had agonized over whether or not to discard my Hitch DVD. Did I love her enough to keep it? I can see always admire Eva is print ads, where I feel she shines most as an artist. She is an amazing model. And now I adore her for keeping her fetus a secret.

Michelle Rodriguez and Zac Efron a couple? Dish doesn't believe it. And now I'm more skeptical that Joe Mangianello (?) and Sofia are making whoopie behind closed doors.

New speculation: Will Rosie rejoin The View? I hope so. I stopped watching when she left. She and Whoopi can rule as far as I'm concerned. Dish wants more smart, cranky women on TV--and I'm available starting now.

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

What Brings Me Back

I could give excuses for my silence:

1. Middle age
2. Dish-relative's frightening injury and my downward spiral into contemplating mortality (not mine, of course)
3. Overall decay of the mind
4. I hate summer
5.  The World Cup: the German coach has me frozen with fear.
6. Lindsay Lohan's father might be procreating yet again with same babymama he keeps brawling with and who keeps winding up in jail. This world is going to hell.

So what do I have to say? Here it is: I read that Sofia Vergara and Brian Mangianello (that's probably not his name), the tall guy from True Blood (the dark-haired one) are an item. I almost can't picture it because both are far too attractive to be in the same room. Do you believe these two make out and do other things?

I'd have to see pictures.

I'll leave you with an embarrassing confession. This is not the first time I've been an airhead:

I've bought three tickets to Rocky The Musical. I've only seen it once.

The first ticket I'd accidentally purchased for a night when I had fixed plans. I didn't realize it till the last minute. The second time I went. As a reward for surviving a challenging week, I bought a third ticket and then all hell broke loose. Won't buy another ticket until I have a clear calendar and everyone is safe, i.e. never.

Friday, May 09, 2014

The Selfie in the Room

I finally saw the James Franco selfie and, frankly, it's sort of like the Mona Lisa in person -- meh. What I find appalling is the stir it's caused. Isn't this the Franco we've been experiencing for years now? Are we this bored? I can't diss too much. Lookswise, he reminds me of one of my hot cousins (I have many, many hot cousins). It's difficult for me to invest in this Franco, who seems out of it. Comparing his selfie to the Beckham billboards--not the same thing. Dish always makes sure to get paid gazillions before showing off the bod.

Franco, Kim and Lindsay's slobbering is why I'm on a British jag. Sorry to be so conformist but Benedict Cumberbatch is far more articulate in interviews--he even takes Harrison's breath away. We tried watching Doc Martin after Sherlock, but the pace was too slow for TG and Doc's gigantic mouth was very distracting. Some members of DishFamily are is in love with him. Notice the plural.

I'm burying the lead.

I think I saw Paul Simon at my deli!!! On my way to get lunch, this little old man I could totally have stepped on entered and there was talk of getting him "the soup he likes." Dish lingered, fishing for more items to purchase, say, a bran muffin for TG. How cute that people are so fussy about soup.

Two hours later, I passed Stephanie March hailing a taxi. It's not the first time I've seen her in the hood and I'm always blown away by her effortless beauty (I'd insert curse word, but I'm a lady). She is younger than me. :(

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Dish's First Hot Flash! (That's TMI, isn't it, Mom)

It happened while I was on the couch. All of a sudden, I felt overheated, sweating like a pig. Let's get this straight: Dish doesn't sweat! I asked TG if he was hot and he said yeah, but looked at me like I was crazy. So, figuring I also had food poisoning and violent lethargy in addition to menopause, I remained on the couch, playing Candy Crush until it passed. Now I am reading my Dr. Christiane Northrup and fanning myself even though I'm at room temperature. Can I just say this: $&%^^ , %&$*%& and $*$(#^ twice and die! I thought I'd stay young forever.

At least there is a ton of news to distract me. Just when I feel Tori and Dean are raw from crying on True Tori, the mighty Jezebel alleges that it's all fake. That makes the Tori-McDermotts more genius than I'd thought!!! And, then, if that wasn't good enough, Tori had to be hospitalized! This pulled at Dish's heartstrings. Truth be told, I'd be on ALL KINDS of medication if I were in Tori's situation (Picture it, Dish in a dark room, no sound, except for constant buying of extra Candy Crush games--with hot flashes to keep her toasty until the white light).

Celebrity Marriages:

I was so happy to read that Jodie Foster finally got married! But then I saw the pic of her bride and it's the schemy chick from The L Word--one of the best shows ever--who totally screwed over Tina. No seriously, big congratulations to the happy couple.

Paul Simon and Edie Brickell got arrested for a domestic disturbance. Allegedly, she hit him and he hit her back but it was all fine. Maybe she was having a hot flash!

Oh, and I almost forgot George Clooney is engaged. I think the future-Mrs.-Clooney is the new Lady Di, only with a huge job. I'm so conditioned to be bored by his personal life that I can't grasp this.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

True Tori, Peaches, Scandal, Sherlock & Colbert -- My New Law Firm

Thanks to a colleague, whose television taste runs seedier than mine, I remembered to watch True Tori, where Tori Spelling gets real about her marriage to Dean McDermott, what actually happened (he totally cheated), and how awesome their woes are for television. Seriously, they are geniuses for making a buck off their dirty laundry.

If TG suddenly decides he's meant to live life as werewolf, I will grab a camera and record the horror: the hair regrowing even after the laser removal, the howling at the moon, his vicious insults (he called me a pinhead last week) and how he keeps wanting to watch Bones, when Louie is my preference. I'll throw his ass in rehab because mama's gotta watch her stories. I always learn from Tori.

Yesterday's News:

Colbert taking over as Letterman. Nice guys really do finish first! I will watch this new fleet of late night shows. Except Craig. Don't hate me but as Karen says on Will & Grace, "he don't make me laugh."

The death of Peaches Geldof. I remember when she was born, for criminey's sakes. After comparing and contrasting pictures, I could make several conclusions. This would be unprofessional given my medical expertise. I'll wait for toxicology reports. The family's devastation must be unimaginable. As a star-aholic, I watch these people grow up and then disappear. It's sad for me. (Am I crazy?)

Scandal: I don't remember the finale. Someone died. This season, though, for me was all about how Tony Goldwyn looked really stoned. Or maybe this prez was a big stoner or Tones thought it looked more romantic to have his eyes half-mast all the time. What if it's a physical condition he can't help? I will pay for this.

Four years after its premiere, TG and I have begun to watch Sherlock, which is wildly fun. We are loving the super-smart sociopaths these days. BC reminds me of what Kenneth Branagh was 20 years ago--this enthusiastic, extra-terrestrial seeming yet intoxicating, theatrically trained Brit. This is probably why reincarnation exists.

As for me, personally, I'm pleased that I finally found a deep conditioner for my hair. For the first time in thirty years, it's silky soft.

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Dish as Therapy

I've decided to return to my roots. The truth is, I've been depressed. The blues are normal--like the kind you get when your dream comes true and you're the focus of attention. Five minutes later, there's silence and life goes on. It's ego-bruising so I'm stumbling around, trying to remember who I am and what I like to do.  Since I'm no longer 19, I've decided against chain-smoking or drinking. Call me officially old, but my cure of choice is: Obsessing with the Stars.

First off: the GMA bloodbath. Dish is delirious not to have Josh Elliott's smug mug rain on her Robin Roberts love parade. Though according to not-so-valid sources, conflict will ensue as Amy Robach (my new personal hero--giving cancer the middle finger and marrying Melrose Place's Andrew Shue) and Lara Spencer aren't in love. Now, Michael Strahan has signed on as clean-up, so those cute dog rescue stories will be covered. Is Today laughing its ass off? I would if I thought this movement was disastrous. I see it as weed-wacking. Funny how the whole Ann Curry mess is so yesterday.

Second: We're offering to inherit Gloria Vanderbilt's 200M fortune since Anderson doesn't need it. We don't need it either, but we want it.

Third: Dish went to see Rocky on Broadway, starring the great Andy Karl, Margo Seibert, and Terrence Archie. The actors' stellar performances, the staging and the story are worth seeing over and over again (music/lyrics mostly terrible, but you don't wind up caring so much). Dish was misty-eyed throughout the show. After the fabulous training montages, I went straight to the gym, wearing a hoodie (and hurt my back). Rocky is my new Jersey Boys (Just kidding, TG. I'll only see Rocky one more time, maybe three). 

Fourth: I've been on Alec-Baldwin-watch and so far, he hasn't left New York. In fact, his wife is featured in today's Post, doing sexy yoga poses and insisting that she'll never leave the city.  I was so waiting for a week without a Baldwin. They are liars!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Much Ado about Hating Gwyneth Paltrow

Once upon a time, a beautiful, talented non-trashy blonde played the supportive wife of Brad Pitt in Se7en. Her part was subdued yet meaningful, and we embraced the cuteness that she was doing it with Brad in real life. She became this new actress to watch, with her wholesome look and intelligent-seeming demeanor. After this, she dressed as a man, which was so unique and talent-revealing (I did this when I was four, but do I get an Oscar). Though she did some good work, she lost me with her Oscar hair the year she won, and that shitty pink dress--but I'm not superficial. I just wanted Cate Blanchett to win for Elizabeth. Life went on for this Dish, and because I don't live for stars (who are we kidding), I understood that Gwyneth might exist in a different world from mine. Her suffering and my suffering were still the same (because we're all connected).

Over time, post Brad, Ben, Luke, now Chris, she's been reduced to this subject of viral mockery when we all used to see her as A-list. Now she's secretive, snooty, NOT the most beautiful woman in the world, too skinny, cheating, threatening Vanity Fair and the list goes on (Ahnold's villainy didn't last this long). While, yes, I do find her pretentious (Moses, Apple, the cupping, the nutrition advice, really bad acting choices), the trashing makes me way sicker.

Audience, she's not the devil, just potentially out of touch. She's not throwing children into oncoming traffic, having the manny's baby or calling anyone "sugar tits." She didn't cause the disappearance of flight MH370. Of course, the girl doesn't help herself by referring to her separation as "conscious uncoupling," a more educated way of saying, "we're just not into each other"--for those with an under 50 IQ. Of course, she sounds severely DOA when she demeans women with office jobs or says she's leaving acting to focus on her kids (what acting has she been doing).

My beef with Gwyneth isn't her personality or how much I resent her beauty. I just badly want her to do theater...or a role to show everyone that you don't mess with a smart blond who has everything. Let's stop wasting energy whining about people who are basically okay.

Oh wait, I'm whining.

Saturday, March 01, 2014

I Can't Keep Quiet

This post is brought to you by extreme boredom. My To Do list is empty, so I must address celebrity issues and return to my first love: the stars.

Alec Baldwin publicly stated that he's leaving public life. I thought seriously about buying New York Magazine, but didn't want to spend the 6$. Instead, I'm using that 6$ to start a pool that Alec won't leave NYC or stop his blabbing and raging. Or I'll donate the $ to his first class in the DishMethod to an improved lifestyle: yogurt almond and meditation.

I confess, I will always love Alec as an actor and hope he enjoys LA, where I'm sure he'll find peace.

The instant Robin Thicke dry thrusted into Miley on the VMAs, I thought his marriage might be in trouble. The news of his split with Paula Patton didn't surprise me. Allegedly, Robin wants his wife back. He should seek TG's advice, which would be: never publicly ogle another babe. The only exception is Sofia Vergara and, here, I do the slow clap and ogle her, too.

Rest in Peace, Harold Ramis, sweet ghostbuster.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Sleepless in Nashville

TG and I watched murder porn last night. I fell asleep on the couch before the verdict, but then was suddenly awake at 1am and stayed up past 3. This sucks because I had to start my work day at 8ish. Finally, an hour ago, I turned to this household's mutual girlcrush, Connie Britton, and Nashville. She's never been more beautiful and, thanks to IMDB and math, she's older than Dish. TG lost interest quickly and went back to his latest craze.

To explain further, we were deeply affected by the Grammy's. TG is obsessing over Lorde and "Thicke." I can't stop singing "Get Lucky" by Daft Punk. As you can see, not only have I converted TG to my celebraholic ways, but I can't seem to find more virtuous pasttimes.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Dishreaders, My Apologies...

I've been away, disengaged from celebrities, maybe a little detached since spending so much time meditating. But those strong Dish Views exist. They are bursting through the ice for one night. I have to get this off my chest:

The Sound of Music--Lay off Goldielocks. She was just fine as a singer doing a live performance. As she says, haters need Jesus. It's like the critics had their columns written before the show. No, she's not a great actress, but Dish was sobbing through most of the damn thing. And I hate this musical...My heart loves it.

Anchorman 2--About 20 minutes too long.

The Holidays--are overrated, but Dish survived them. Apologies to Dishfamily for enduring my outbursts.

August Osage County--Am reluctant to see it. Don't want to see Julia get upstaged by anyone, even Meryl. Julia belongs in a venue by herself, under glass, to be worshiped.

Dean McDermott--I voted for him to win Rachael and Guy's Celebrity Cookoff. I believed in him. He seemed so earnest and in love with Tori. With four kids, they must at least like to do certain things in quick succession. Oh Donna.

Cameron Diaz--is living next door to me, I think.

Watching American Idol and thinking Harry is the new Simon (only H. seems a little psycho, as in I'm scared of him), Keith needs to brush his hair and J.Lo is too pretty to be believed. They keep writing things down during judging, but are they fake writing? What do they have to write down?

My schadenfreude over Bieber will land me in hell.