Thursday, January 31, 2013

Brandi Glanville's Telling All

I've got to hand it to this woman--she's made a name for herself as a scorned wife. She's pisssssed. I'll admit, I enjoy her immensely on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills even though the vaginal rejuvenation (to get a man's essence out of your hoo-ha) is a giant overshare. Did we know anything about her before LeAnn Rimes stole her mans? Not really, and I keep track of celebrities and their spouses and their cousins. When Cibrian took over for Gale Harold on Vanished (what a mess that was), he and Brandi were happily married Iwas dating another loser. But now it's over, he's married the woman he cheated with (where is Gale Harold these days) and Brandi's stock keeps going up. Being enraged can make you really really rich.I keep saying to myself I will not buy her book, I will not feed the gossip machine (I totally will, love her).

Dan Marino had a love child with CBS employee. Dishlesson #1: Never date an athlete.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013


Melissa Gilbert and Timothy Busfield--ENGAGED! Fifty-something...

Watching The West Wing again. Still good.

Brandi Glanville had vaginal rejuvenation after Eddie Cibrian left her. This story will never end.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

So, Leann Wasn't Crying Yesterday...

But I was. Today has been smooth sailing except:

Screw you, Downton Abbey. I'm fine with the drama of Sunday's episode, but how could you put everyone in such hell? Poor Elizabeth McGovern and her sweet tears. DA should be all nicey nice. Then again, there was some dead wood on the show. If only they'd release Bates from jail. He could boost everyone's spirits (quiet, Dishbrother! I know you hate Bates, spit on little old ladies and kick puppies!). Also, I'm mostly eager for Edith to get laid.

The Bachelor: Sean is telling too many girls, "I'm crazy about you." I'm not sure who I want to win. Possibly the adopted girl. She's super nice, deserving, heart of gold--but can she be sexy? That's the thing I want to tell girls: having issues, acting mopey may get you attention, but it's not sexy. I wish I'd known this. Luckily, Sean sent home one of the barking-crazy girls.

Today's rumor: That Alec Baldwin impregnated his hot yoga teaching wife. Makes sense. Why wouldn't he? She could do yoga during her pregnancy. I don't like yoga. Is that bad?

Why Lindsay should just go to jail or rehab for a year. She called in sick for court tomorrow today--sudden respiratory infection--but was spotted shopping and smoking today. I can't even believe she's out on the streets. I am tired when I imagine living her life and its vicious circles.

Monday, January 28, 2013

The Stars Go Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

LeAnn Rimes was caught crying today. Well, if you'd seen me trying to smash a large suitcase in a gym locker after slamming my Achilles in a door, you would have seen crying. Post slam, I went the entire subway ride to the gym thinking: My blood is soaking through my socks. There could be an artery near my Achilles. I'll bleed out in seconds. Someone will steal my iPad. I think the guy who regularly takes a dump on the E is in this car. I'll go through to the next car though that middle part is dangerous.
It's hard being Dish. So I watched The Shahs of Sunset for deep counsel and what do I get: 2 crazy quack therapists who allow cameras into the office and discuss things that make no sense:

1. Making mom and daughter do lists is juvenile. Telling Mom and daughter what to do is not therapeutic or sophisticated therapy. I just let my mom tell me what to do and she's usually right.
2. "Shuttling" is bullsh*t. For instance: Serene Dish is going to have a conversation with Insecure Dish and see who dominates the conversation I'm aging like my father. These games are lazy.
3. I want Reza to be my life coach.

I didn't even break skin with my accident. Dish needs therapy way more than Cray-cray GG. But then, here's what makes me sane again.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

The S.A.G. Awards--Better Because It's Your Peers (Still #3)

Are we up for the SAG awards tonight? TNT, starting at 8pm--which is royally painful since Sunday is Real Housewives of Atlanta, Shahs of Sunset, Downton Abbey, Guy vs. Rachael Celebrity Cookoff, The Good Wife. All bets are off, basically. TG enjoys the awards so I'm going to sneak in some ironing and watch a lot of phony baloney speeches. "I grew up in Asshat, Ohio, helped in my daddy's hardware store. After school, I moved to LA, slept with someone famous and wound up on TV. Last year, I got busted for DWI twice. I'm Blah Blah Blah and I'm an actor." No, but really, it's soooo serious. The good part is that there may be a lot of drunkenness since it looks as if beverages and meals are served. Dish will take a shot if ANYONE says, "This means more because it's coming from you, my peers." We have three little vodka bottles in the freezer. Um, they may not be there anymore...

Sorry to be cranky. I have so much ironing to do. Plus, the gossip sites are boring me to tears.
TMZ: love them, but it's swimming mostly in White Trash minutia and athletes beating up their spouses and getting caught driving drunk.
Perez Hilton: Used to be my Go To, but not liking his web-casts. Love his writing, not the commentating. Just my opinion.
HuffPo: Too much integrity.
Dlisted: The best site ever, but doesn't post as frequently. Every post, though, is written with care and snark. Michael K. is a literary genius.

Oh crap, TG has fallen asleep on the couch, which means no television for at least two hours!!!

Saturday, January 26, 2013

I Swear I Didn't Get This For Myself...

I don't usually go for straight chocolate. There has to be something gooey or crunchy inside. Like say, a Snickers, Milky Way or Twix--except Three Musketeers makes me gag (unless frozen). TG brought me home this Godiva, perhaps to fatten up my finger so I can slip my engagement ring back on. Sure, no problem. Wolfed it down in three bites. Pancakes tomorrow, too.

Caught this adorable Jimmy Kimmel episode where Matt Damon takes over the show and brings on some frightening people. Some of those faces aren't real. Sad Hollywood downward spiral.

Sarah Palin and Fox have parted company. She's not been in the news as much lately. I fear she'll return to campaign but also think it's too late for her. There has been too much stupid under the bridge.

More murmurings about Angelina being pregnant with seventh child. Knitting a baby blanket for them.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Mainlining Twix

My engagement ring is too lose on my finger so I'm storing it away until I get some bacon fat under my belt. F*kk my Anne Hathaway diet or any diet. TG was, like, what the hell, why did you lose weight? I did--but just in my forearms and my fingers. The rest of me is the same. Okay, so maybe I'm a little after-school special with my too-baggy pants and spine coming out of my back. I've been buried in work in a way I haven't experienced since 1997. But, no more. I want to look pudgy on TV again so I rushed to the deli and got a gigantic sandwich, a candy bar, some soda and I'm guzzling like there's no tomorrow. The ring comes back pronto!

When you don't eat, your blood sugar takes a dive. Then you do weird things, like look up music obsessions from the past. For me, that was Vanity. I loved Ms. Denise Matthews and her songs got me through some rough times. This one especially--which is cool since it's very close to TG's name. Oh, and this one is legendary. Now, this talented singer has found Jesus! Hey, whatever gets you through...

I thought I'd want to learn about celebrities' crushes but this is incredibly boring. Some of them go on and they love the attention. Kind of wondering what Julia Roberts thinks of Jessica Chastain, a younger replica who is getting all those serious acty roles Julia didn't get till later (sort of). Is Julia pisssst? That would only make me work harder. And then I'd go up to Jessica and snap her bra. Ooops, need more candy--and protein!

So no big surprise, Liberty Ross is divorcing her two-timing director husband, Rupert Sanders--you know, the one who threatened the all-mighty love of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. I don't care.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Hillary Opens Up a Can of Whoop-Ass!

It takes a hot broad to put these old white guys in their place, but that's what she did when she testified in front of the senate on the Benghazi affair. I love my Hillary. When I think about flying, about panic, about accidentally eating raw chicken and what if I die, I remember she's out there. My understanding of politics comes straight from CNN and thin air, but here's my thought about the Benghazi mess: Pourquoi the hysteria about why we didn't know all the information (unless your relative died--then I get it). Wouldn't you rather conduct a thorough investigation instead of spew bursts of what could be misinformation to a mostly ignorant population (I still love you, America)? Investigations take time.

See? I should be in the White House as Consumer of Frosted White House Sugar Cookies.

In this vein, I've realized I might take a punch for Lisa Vanderpump though I bruise like a peach. Not only does she look better now than she did thirty years ago, but she makes everything seem effortless because she's British. I love her, love her dog, love her clothes, love her husband. And of course, now I'm addicted to Vanderpump Rules, which is The Hills but with young people doing even LESS. The drama, oh the drama! Everyone is overreacting. Kristen is dating gayish Tom who uses all her product but he slept with a girl who used to live with him who Kristen accidentally met at a modeling shoot. Sheena (sp?) slept with a famous actor while he was married so all the other waitresses hate her (how could she? he's like MARRIED). Then while on the gay pride parade float, Sheena-homewrecker put suntan lotion of Jax's back while he was in a fight with Stassi (a blond tyrant, who's like 23 and doesn't want to like date a loser--please, that's when you happily START dating losers). Jax is a sad aging-manwhore-bartender but you could see him guesting on NCIs: Los Angeles as "The Guy Who ODs." Mayhem ensues where evil Frank moves in on Stassi and says Jax knocked up some hooker in Vegas. Out for revenge, Stassi drinks Jax's Cristal and leaves empty bottles for him to find--along with her rage-studded sick, I'm sure. Pump just wants her staff to work--leave the personal life at home. Such important life lessons. Can't wait till the next episode!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Pollution Generation

I won't lie: the LeAnn Rimes/Brandi Glanville feud fascinates me. I wonder: 1. Is it fake so that they can advance their careers? 2. Is LeAnn dumb and sad to fall for any of this and to constantly torment us with her bikini shots and strange new appearance? 3. Is Brandi the nutjob? All this hot air is over an actor whose only awesome work was in Living Out Loud because he was in the same frame as Holly Hunter. He's competent, watchable, but not worth all this. I'm still fixated. I want to see how it ends. Because it will end.

Despite the above, I realized today that I'm perfect. This is why I broke my FB fast (it only lasted two days). Why try to better myself when there's no need? In the ten extra hours from no FB stalking, I noticed that something in September caused everyone I know and see to have sex or successful IVF treatments because everyone is pregnant (not me--I swear). The latest is that Jolie might be on her 7th.

All I can say is: OUCH.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Facebook Status Updates

Since I'm on a FB diet this week--and it's killing me, i.e. I can't FB stalk my usual suspects or keep infinitesimal tabs on TG--I will put my status updates here:

In my world, there's room for TWO donkey booty exercise DVDs. You go for it, Kenya and Phaedra.

Today is all about doing the same thing twice. THANKS, certain people.

Awesome hair day, even after exercise.

Betrayal, thy name is Beyonce. She lipsynced at the inauguration? Don't people WORK anymore???? Is Jersey Boys pre-recorded?

Shameless is my deepest fear. Why did I buy the entire season? Hating it.

Trying not to imagine Adrienne Maloof and Sean Stewart together. Ooops,too late.

Why am I wearing dots again?

If I had a dime for every show/thriller that features an effed up ex-agent called in for a special case, I'd be sh$tting caviar and Ferraris.

Loving The Following even though it's cliché, hello Se7en, Silence of the Lambs and The Killing.

Adrienne and Sean are still doing it in my head. Frances, I'll take that labotomy now.

Kevin Bacon's nostrils--still enormous!!!

Crazy on the 3rd floor called her new dog Greta one week, Mitsy the next.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Lovers' Quarrel?

The second I saw this picture years ago, I went on an imaginary gay safari filled with conversations and wild orgies I could hear/see from my zipcar window. No way is this not gay, I thought, until I remembered what it was like to be a cycle widow. This sight is a familiar one. The boys take a few bong hits and go out for a nine-hour ride, roaming in colorful packs and stopping in bagel and burger places along the way. They talk about their asses, the latest gossip and whose ass is the fattest. It's not gay, but a little gay adjacent. So I have to pin all my hopes on a liaison between Gyllenhaal and McConaughey. With his doobies, drums, trance-like beach yoga, Matty must get the sexes confused now and then. And Jake, I'm sure he paid to make out with Heath Ledger because that would be a logical thing to do. I mean, have you seen that movie? I know the truth must be very boring, but a girl can dream, right? I'm just trying to jazz up their stories. Don't ride too close to MM because he doesn't wear deodorant.

But what was the original point? Oh right. So Matthew was upset about Lance's doping, but he understood why his friend would keep it a secret--because Lance didn't want to burden Matthew with the knowledge of his doping. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

I'm a huge fan of the Post's Linda Stasi. Her insight always hits me the right way. She got me to bump off Real Housewives from my DVR and watch Kevin Bacon in The Following instead. I can't resist serial killer stories.

Saw the inauguration (sp?). Beyonce CAN sing. But not liking Michelle's bangs. I don't think they look good even on Anna Wintour. Oh god, maybe I've gone too far.

Since I can only stick to a "diet" for one week, I'm doing a year of diets. Last week, I started meditating. Didn't make a bit of difference. This week, no Facebook, unless summoned.

Sunday, January 20, 2013


Dish has been ill the last few days but has become completely obsessed with Enlightened. I'm done with Season 1 and am almost tempted to get HBO to see the next season. Is that sad? I won't do it. I'm supposed to save $$$ this year. No more splurging except for Season 1 of Enlightened and new Bruno Mars CD. The chemistry between Laura Dern and Luke Wilson is sizzling. Plus, you gotta love Mike White.

J.Lo on the cover of People. That is not hair. I no longer believe interviews in these magazines. I just get it for the pictures, the opposite of why I get Playboy (I don't get Playboy).

I don't believe it: Adrienne Maloof and Sean Stewart. Tell me this isn't a strange couple. Like where's the motivation for either of them? It looks completely desperate and fake to me. How low can you go? These kind of fake, sad photo ops upset me.

Another mistake of being sick. I'm now obsessed also with The Real Housewives of Atlanta. These are the most beautiful of all the housewives, though much more back-stabby.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Still Ill

Ailing. Mostly on couch. Working on bag #1 of work, no appetite, weak. Just blah.

Obsessed now with the show Enlightened--first season. Always intrigued by Laura Dern. Still a gawky--yet beautiful--teen, which makes her sympathetic. Remembering how Andrew Morton wrote what an ugly crier she was in the book about Jolie. First thing Dern does in Enlightened is cry. Not as ugly as Kardashian tears.

Friday, January 18, 2013

I Have So Much To Say...

...about Lance Armstrong and other celebs, but TG just told me my forehead felt warm, which has sent me into a tailspin. I might have a fever. I don't want to take my temp because then I might be sicker than I thought and have to take medicine and act sick. Truth is I've felt awful since Wednesday but I had a flu shot so I can't be sick. Plus I have two large bags of work to do and so many celebs to follow.

Maybe a little about Lance. I assumed years ago he was doping so I found his interview with Oprah surprising and more The real Lance that I'd heard existed. He's wired differently. Also he might be leveling the playing field since many cyclists dope. I'm cynical enough to think he will once again make millions as an athlete.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Americal Idol and Are You Watching Lance?

I only watch the first episode of American Idol--to see the freaks and the new judges. I expected Mariah to be way more Mariah, but she couldn't get in good finger-pointing and dagger-eyes because Nicki Minaj chewed the scenery, her hair, Randy's hair, then was just a pain in the ass. I guess Minaj had "provide the ratings" in her contract, along with her fantastic wigs. By contrast, Mimi was the voice of reason. At first the girls got a little fake catty like Real Housewives and I thought, no, please don't. The feud between them, so pretend. TG and I are rooting for The Turbanator and the farm girl.

Tonight is the interview with Lance. Perez Hilton asserts that Lance is coming clean because he has to raise money. I dunno. I think it's to subconsciously replicate his cancer battle. His career is dead. Can he resurrect himself? We have a long history of forgiving a-holes, though usually just for sexual misconduct.

Speaking of sexual, the tabs say that Dita Von Teese and Russell Crowe had a steamy liaison. I can almost see it! And why wouldn't they? I don't see marriage, but I do see chemistry and good old-fashioned Hollywood hookup awesomeness.

A special blessing to Conrad Bain of Diff'rent Strokes and Dear Abby's Pauline Phillips, who passed away. Two greats gone. It don't matter that you got not a lot. They'll have theirs, you'll have yours and I'll have mine. And together we'll be fine. And, how can we live without those advice columns? In case you're feeling the void, I'd be happy to dish out advice (except I'm not licensed in anything--except an MA in French). That's just how nosy gossipy I am.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Happy Anniversary to The Groom!

Two years ago, my beloved TG (Sam) and I got hitched. He brings so much happiness to my life. What an interesting, entertaining, adorable person he is. I am very lucky. Happy Anniversary, TG!

We were dancing to this song when this picture was taken (Thanks, Nici!).

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Star Sighting!!!

6:49pm: Dish gets this text from JJ: "I'm on the 79th street crosstown bus and Amy Madigan is sitting right in front of me me!!!"

YOU LUCKY B*TCH, JJ! I would have had a little accident.

We love Amy. Except what is she doing on a bus? Where's her black Escalade???

Get Into the Pleasure Groove (Mixed Madonna/John Taylor Metaphor!)

This book came out in October. Since I spent a few years (10) obsessed with John Taylor, you'd think I'd have used my connections I don't have any to get an advanced copy. I even signed up for his reading in New York--but didn't go. The book sat on my reading table for months. I dreaded reading it. What if it was ... bad? I already had a depressing DD concert experience at Foxwoods, realizing I'm just not cool enough to be in the DD inner circle. Why do more?

I took a leap of faith. I read the first page, then the next. Then the chapters couldn't go by fast enough. Sure, JT had help sculpting the prose, but the voice was so clever I'm so British with memories lovingly rendered. DishNarcissism took over in some places and I made connections to what I was going through at the same time! Oh sure, Antigua. I remember that. Didn't you guys get sick on that boat? Why did you and Renee break up? Oh right, I remember now. Really, you actually walked by Bryan Ferry? How awesome is that. It was a nice blast from the past.

The best part about this autobiography for me was how he got sober. It all seemed very civilized and under the radar. No ODing in a hotel room or accidentally shooting himself in the hand. He was just f*cked up for too long. He went to rehab, done, and developed ways of coping that don't involve being on TV 24/7. Anyway, it was inspiring to me. A must read for anyone who loves Duran Duran--which is most people.

The Miracle Worker

When the FDA ruled to cut Ambien dosages in half, Dish hyperventilated, got on all fours and prayed to the Great Mystery for guidance. I need to start meditating, not medicating so I did just that. As I reached my transcendental state, a heavenly being appeared and said, "Who cares, Dish?" I knew that voice...from somewhere in daytime TV. "But...but...I sleep like crap, GM, and have since I was 12." GM finally revealed herself: Oprah. "Did you *see* what Lucy Liu wore to the Globes? Now that was crap," she responded. Once again, GM puts the world into proper perspective.

So it's no surprise that Oprah, my General Manager and the Queen of the Dope-Snatchers, would get THE interview of the year--perhaps, the decade--Lance Armstrong's admission to doping. This is huge. It's the only way he can possibly come close to attempting to repair the damage.This totally knocks Millionaire Matchmaker off my DVR.

The Bachelor: I'm rooting for the girl with one arm. This is probably the first time where The Bachelor doesn't seem like a total jerk.

And Victor Garber is gay. I'm sorry, what? No wonder the Titanic sank!!! (That's a joke)

The most awesome commercial ever.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Jodie's Speech

I always like to listen to someone I can't quite follow. Such was Jodie's speech at the Golden Globes last night. The reactions have been wildly mixed--love it (you go, Jodie) or hate it (you're not fully out of the closet, wearing rainbow colors enough). Dish loved the speech in that everyone was so WTF over it. You have to watch it more than once to get how kinda brilliant it is. And we're still dissecting. The speech was scattered, not at all canned, full of heart, then angry, then patronizing, then warm--refreshingly unmedicated. Was it a coming out speech? I'm not sure. Should it have been? Her kids look happy and that's what's important. At times, the speech sounded like a "goodbye, cruel world." Does her life need to contain politics or personal revelations that will inspire others? She wants her privacy (Then explain to me why she made The Beaver? Was she daring us to comment endlessly about that big elephant in the room?). I guess it doesn't matter. Jodie is a living legend, speech or no speech. She sounds like a real person. It was nice to see her again. I loved her most recently in The Brave One, one of my anthem movies. I don't get her alliance with Mel Gibson but relationships are a mixed bag. Shouldn't we be loyal to loved ones, even if they don't share our beliefs? Though Mel still seems like a scary, sad asshole. I'm still bewildered by her speech and glad that she shook the foundations of a snoozy awards show.

I missed Ricky as host. Tina and Amy were funny--I'd even put them to host the Oscars. For the Golden Globes, you need a real pisser.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

So Not into the Golden Globes, Not Sure Why!

I'm watching them anyway... Resentful of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for cruelly stealing Ricky Gervais's spot. Resentful of friends who thought Ricky was over the top. Fighting the tide of change. Missing TG who's visiting family. He loves award shows for some reason, gets perked up by "the biz" in its glory.

Observations so far:

Daniel Day: Awesome for doing the ET thing. I thought he'd be a douche and pretend it was beneath him. Caught a glimpse of my sort-of neighbor Sally!!!
Jennifer Lopez is naked.
Sofia, as always, was robbed.
Why is Julianne Moore becoming more and more awesome as the years go by? Love hair and dress.
Rooted hard for Damien, glad he won for Homeland.
What's happened to Salma Hayek's career?
Daniel Craig needs to powder his face. Adore seeing him with his wife, Rachel (we're on a first-name basis since The Constant Gardener in which she's brilliant)--a golden couple
Adele is awesome. Have to check--Duran Duran never won a GG for View to a Kill, touted as best Bond song ever (at least in my imagination)
Oh, Anjelica Huston...

That is all for now.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Golden Globes - 1 Day

Apologies for last night. I was with Dishfriendsincediapers, introducing her to the glory that is Jersey Boys (my 7th time, ushers still aren't impressed). John Lloyd Young (aka Dishmama's imaginary boyfriend) returned as Frankie. The show was such fun as usual and Dishfriendsincediapers now understands my mania. It is now hers. Alas, I'm going to be more conservative and go only if absolutely necessary for mood boost possibly next month.

Then today I went to see Chicago because Dishbrotherfriend Ray Bokhour is playing Amos, Roxy's husband. What a great show and Dishbrotherfriend brought the house down with "Mr. Cellophane." The two female leads were also jaw-droppingly amazing. All those foxy Fosse dancers made me want to hit the gym even harder after I eat this pain au chocolat. Can't wait to see it again!

Some big star news: Britney and Jason are no more. This worries me. Who's going to prop Britney up? Dish is volunteering, though Brit would have to move to NYC (Linds is coming too--I could start a day care). I've already started developing lesson plans. Jason Sudeikis and Olivia Wilde are engaged--congrats, can see this. And, everyone is saying that Lance will come clean to Oprah about doping on Monday. I am setting my DVR to "pigs flying out of hell." Oops, sorry, no room, Oprah--The Bachelor and Real Housewives and Bones take precedence. 

Well, tonight I'm just going to keep reading In the Pleasure Groove by Duran Duran's John Taylor. It's addictive! Maybe with all the chapters on his coking out, I'm getting contact coke high? Cannot wait for the section on when John Taylor and Amanda de Cadenet become Mr. and Mrs. Too Gorgeous for Words!

Golden Globes tomorrow. Will miss politically incorrect Ricky Gervais.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

"You might really like me again!!!"

It took a great act of self-restraint to keep from slipping a congratulations note to Sally Field for her chubby now Oscar-nominated performance as Mary Todd Lincoln who had really ugly hair. Sall threw some excellent Nora Walker-style hissies. As for you, Ms. Chastain, how dare you try to impersonate me. I've just ordered the Pringles and Entemann's trucks to park right on your lawn. You're so jealous of me, aren't you? I see you in all those movies, being all willowy and acty, like Julia. Let's get this straight--there is only one Julia here. And that's me. Oh, who took the blanket off my cage?

Here you go for some of the nominations and my bitchy comments:

Best Picture--i.e. No Film Left Behind: "Beasts of the Southern Wild"(What's this?)
"Silver Linings Playbook"(Bipolar)
"Zero Dark Thirty"(Osama)
"Lincoln" (Freeing slaves = Gay marriage)
"Les Miserables" (Wa, wa, wa, wa, I'm miserable)
"Life of Pi" (in a boat with a tiger, seasick, yet TG cries during this trailer every time)
"Amour"(You had me at Isabelle Huppert, but still haven't seen it)
"Django Unchained"(Spike Lee is PISSED)
"Argo" (wanna see)

Best Supporting Actor:
Christoph Waltz, "Django Unchained"(again?)
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "The Master" (again?)
Robert De Niro, "Silver Linings Playbook" (again?)
Alan Arkin, "Argo" (again?)
Tommy Lee Jones, "Lincoln" (again?)

Best Supporting Actress: Sally Field, "Lincoln"(Queen of the Hissy)
Anne Hathaway, "Les Miserables"(Shoo in)
Jacki Weaver, "Silver Linings Playbook"(?)
Helen Hunt, "The Sessions"(full frontal, yes)
Amy Adams, "The Master" (eh)

Best Director: Won't Comment to Protest Omission of Ben Affleck David O. Russell, "Silver Linings Playbook"
Ang Lee, "Life of Pi"
Steven Spielberg, "Lincoln"
Michael Haneke, "Amour"
Benh Zeitlin, "Beasts of the Southern Wild"

Best Actor:
Daniel Day Lewis, "Lincoln"(lock)
Denzel Washington, "Flight"(idea of drunk pilot is too scary to win)
Hugh Jackman, "Les Miserables" (he'll get there)
Bradley Cooper, "Silver Linings Playbook"(crazy = Oscar, but prosthetics acting > crazy)
Joaquin Phoenix, "The Master" (Tom will prevent the win)

Best Actress:
Naomi Watts, "The Impossible"(pretty)
Jessica Chastain, "Zero Dark Thirty" (pretty)
Jennifer Lawrence, "Silver Linings Playbook"(pretty)
Emmanuelle Riva, "Amour"(old)
Quvenzhané Wallis, "Beasts of the Southern Wild"(young)

Best Original Screenplay:
"Zero Dark Thirty"
"Django Unchained"
"Moonrise Kingdom"(win)

Best Adapted Screenplay:
"Silver Linings Playbook"
"Argo"(might win)
"Life of Pi"
"Beasts of the Southern Wild"

Who got ignored, Dan: Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio,Kathryn Bigelow

Today's video clip: In my next life, I'd like to come back as Michael Des Barres. Also, Crockett and Tubbs have no idea just how lucky they are.

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Downton Abbey--Spoilers and Thoughts

Finally--I am all caught up and saw the juiciness of Season 3's premiere. Overall, it's moving along nicely. Boring and Boring got married and are now boring in bed. Shirl, all trussed up in her 1920 old-lady finery, played Cora's mamala in a more understated way, which was sheer brilliance. Why? Because she can't out-do Maggie nor should she try. Of course, they made her sing. Wish only she'd hiked up her skirt and showed off her showgirl legs, given us some jazz hands. Edith still needs a good lay. The mystery for me is why Dishbrother hates Bates. I finally figured it out: because Bates is earnest, portly and crippled. It's like hating puppies and kittens!!! No but seriously, Dish sort of sees it now. Bates is kind of a sad sack, one of those people that always attracts trouble. The romantic fire between him and Anna is gone. So who am I rooting for? As always, Elizabeth McGovern because she's the most beautiful woman ever and the most tolerant wife. Imagine, she's supportive of her husband (i.e. the finance person in Notting Hill, as in he got to meet JULIA!) after he pisses away her millions. I'd kick him unconscious and then make him pay for dinner. No, I'd probably do what EM did, too, since I don't care about $$$.

Review of Vanderpump Rules: Don't even bother. Lisa Vanderpump is intriguing, like candy to watch but this show sucks major donkey dong. The setting is a nice restaurant, lots of hot waitresses and bartenders and their hotness. The plot: mostly Shasta and Fresca fighting, putting on superior waitress airs. Everyone hates Shasta because she slept with a married celebrity, like they wouldn't have done the same thing. It's a giant pile of the green stuff that came out of a donkey's ass on my white shoes when I was five and living in Paris. We were at the park. 

Review of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: Abe's mom gets murdered and he's PISST. He goes after the vampire killer but his weenie human powers are no match for the undead! Somehow, Abe escapes, revenge burning hot in his loins. The boyfriend from Mamma Mia witnesses Abe's impotence from afar and decides to help him trash vampires. He montage-trains Abe to fight, lots of thrusting and ax-play -- because that's how you kill the undead. Then Abe meets Mary Todd, a sweet young thing. I'm sure he marries her and whatever. I stopped watching.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

The President Appoints Hegel as Secretary of Defense!!!

It's so open-minded of Obama to select an eighteenth-century German philosopher to be in charge of Defense. Ghosts tend not to get as much airplay, especially German ones. Hegel is sooooo awesome because he helped invent German Idealism. He and his friends sat around a table and just came up with it, then put on a happy face, threw fresh daisies on the ground, then took each other out for wienerschnitzel and Rittersport! Idealism will be useful as we crawl up other countries' asses with our guns. The more sunshine we bring to warfare, the less we'll feel like fighting! Yay, Barack!

Kim and Kanye allegedly bought an 11M$ mansion to house her giant fake rear and his arrogance. I actually do think their child will be gorgeous.

Dishnotes on The Bachelor:

Rule #1: Everyone's name is Ashley. How funny was the Fifty Shades girl? I sort of think Chris Harrison's marketing team invented her. Take bestseller + fake insanity = schadenfreude rejection at the rose ceremony + ugly crying in the limo. His team also scoured the U.S. for  another Courtney, like last year, and found Tierra. Add in someone from last year--Kacie B.--and you have some more ugly limo crying. What I like about Sean is that he seems to be picking sane-seeming women, i.e. he's not choosing based on what's in his pants (my cousin would never do that--and neither would Jesus).

Monday, January 07, 2013

Single and Ready to Take You into Outer Space!!!

Get out your laciest lingerie, ladies, because astronaut Buzz Aldrin is officially divorced! Maybe not so fast. This announcement comes just in time for songstress Taylor Swift. Poor girl might have broken up with One Direction's Harry Styles, something about a fight, she stormed off, that New Year's kiss all for nothing. Dishreaders, I don't think any of this is an accident. Hef and Crystal Harris are paving the way for the May-December romance in 2013. Gray is the new black. Taylor now needs some sweet lovin' from this space pilgrim. Otherwise, I'm sorry, Taylor, but you've reached your star-hunk quota.

Dish missed Downton Abbey last night and precious time with TG before his trip is cutting into my viewing of The Bachelor. What's a girl to do? I'm too ashamed to turn on the TV right now because he'll see what I watch. He doesn't buy that I like to observe female bonding in an unnatural situation.

Okay, he's brushing his teeth now, is about to go read his hoity-toity smart people books. I'm going to watch Sean Lowe (aka my cousin--not by blood, but he totally could be) try to choose Mrs. Right from 26 babes.

Sunday, January 06, 2013

Thomas Gibson Arrest? So Unfair!!!

Forget racial profiling, what about celebrity profiling? Every day it seems the police are bringing in another trashed gorgeous person, who might have had a nip or two of the bubbly. Don't we have standards? Aren't there real criminals roaming the streets? It's like, if you're Lindsay or now Thomas Gibson, you can't have a drink or seven without having the fuzz come at you like black crows on a carcass.

Why I'm a great wife: Tonight is the premiere of Downton Abbey--with SHIRLEY MACLAINE for whom I'd take a bullet. I've waited months and months and months. Because TG has suffered through many hours of DishTV, we're watching his choice: Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cookoff. He's rooting for Gilbert Gottfried. Dish is rooting for Tori Spelling's husband.

One of my favorite moments on TV. If you don't like it, don't worry--I have a million favorites.

Saturday, January 05, 2013

Justin Bieber, Smoking Doobies? NO WAY!!!

For the love of MaryJane, what is this I'm hearing about our favorite heartthrob even being in the vicinity of marijuana, much less smoking it? I'm bathing in pools of denial. All the tabs are aghast, flaunting pics of Boober holding a joint--like he's the President getting serviced by an intern. Sure, it's illegal in most states, but come on--he's a celebrity and a teenager with access to every possible sin. Dish is not implying she committed the same act at his age often, though props must be given that he doesn't have a needle in his arm on a daily basis. It's stressful being a teen role model. You don't even know.

Speaking of substance, Josh Brolin was arrested for public intoxication. Do you think Barbra bailed him out of the slammer? Oh wait, he's married to Diane Lane. Maybe they went together. Josh scares me, though is one of my favorite actors ever and should win an Oscar like yesterday.

I forgot: Downton Abbey comes back tomorrow, with our Shirl! She's only in a couple episodes (which makes me suspicious). I'll take it! Let's hope the season is all about Maggie, Lizzie McGovern, Bates and Anna and not the boring William and Mary--zzzzz.

Everyone is saying Lance Armstrong is going to confess to doping. It's the PC thing to do. But one can't forget, we're dealing with an a-hole here (I am very glad he survived cancer, would never wish him ill, but I still hold a grudge on behalf of my friend). A-holes tend to stay self-righteous, unless it's to fake remorse, which could result in another book deal and movie rights. Damn, he's totally going to confess....

Friday, January 04, 2013

Dish Tried to Spy But We Didn't Get There on Time!

Sadly, Dish and TG would make terrible paparazzi! He came home from his workout at Chelsea Piers, passing by the sh*tty High Line (I don't get what the big deal is--it's an elevated sidewalk) and saw a "movie" being filmed. Cool. Happens every day. We eat our mac and cheese and salad. I suggest to him that we spy, maybe do some real investigative journalism. There is hemming and hawing. Maybe we'll watch Sweet Genius and Cupcake Wars and then go. Two hours elapse. Filming takes forever right? We bundle up and walk four avenues over. They were striking the set. I scream at TG to go find out what's happening because he's the one ballsy enough to do it. If he sees Justin Bieber on the street, TG will casually go and ask how he likes his Ferrari. The answer is: They were filming Person of Interest.

That's my huge scoop!

Are you noticing lots of love and hate for Les Miserables? Dish is kind of impressed that there isn't the Oh This Is Automatically Great whitewashing as with Titanic, aka one of the worst movies ever. But I don't feel violent over it. We're all in agreement (except for DishfriendwholovesMattDamon) that Anne Hathaway was mind-blowingly great. Automatic Oscar.

Thursday, January 03, 2013

What Really Happened with Hillary

When Hillary took this picture with Meryl Streep, I got suspicious. Meryl is such a troublemaker. She gets into everyone's business with her flashy smile and I-don't-care-about-fame facade. You know she wants to topple governments. Meryl set out to seduce Hillary or at least fog her up so that she had no idea how to deal with Libya. MS could secretly be on Boehner's payroll though I haven't confirmed. In a gigantic lover's spat--I'm guessing a pool of strawberry jello was involved and lots of bikinis--Meryl knocked Hillary to the ground and gave her the concussion. The stomach virus was pure BS, like Bolton said. And the reason why Chelsea looks so distraught coming out of the hospital is not over her mother's health. No, it's that her mom devised this elaborate scheme to lie on her back and watch Real Housewives of Miami. Me too, Hills!

A picture is worth 150 words-ish.

Russia Just Got Fatter

La France demande les high taxes, alors Gerard Depar-god a deciday to live en Russie. Il a gettay la permission de Putain--I mean, Putin--et le Russian dictateur a dit, May OUI! Join our countrie et pissay dans as many bottles as you wish sur les airplanes! France without Depardieu = La Less Smelly Catastrophe. Ou va-t-il live in Russia? 6969 Douchebagge Lane, bien sur.

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Day 2 of the New Year

Okay, 2013, so far you're not amazing me. Just kidding! Just kidding kidding--screw you, fiscal cliff and congress. I'm not really sure what's happening nor have I watched the news in weeks. Someone said something bad happened. When it comes to $$$, my brain goes foggy. Where's my J-Crew catalog? So Chris Christie is mad and he just made a speech dissing all those bad people who squeaked through a crappy deal (though again, I'm not sure what the deal is). TG is slightly in love with CC now, though we both feel he's a little Me Me Me and a bully we never want to cross.

Some violence to start the year: Sofia Vergara's finance got into a fight during a NYE party in Miami.It's hard to imagine that a physically combative person would be good enough for our Sofia. Chris Guerra, a paparazzo, died while chasing Justin Bieber's car. Of course, there's a moral to the story, but the poor guy lost his life. His family must be devastated.

The Parents Television Council is pissed at Kathy Griffin over simulating oral sex on Anderson. Me too, I'm enraged. When I watch Kathy and Anderson on NYE, I expect wholesome fun and absolutely no dick jokes.

Dishmama is somewhere south of the border. Like way south. Hoping she sends a carrier pigeon soon to let me know all is well. I'm so stressed with worry, I'm seeing Jersey Boys tomorrow night!

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Happy Baby Taffy New Year!

This is only funny if you watched Kathy and Anderson bringing in the new year on CNN last night. As usual, she was bananas, which was the best way to end this f*cker of a year Dish is swearing a lot more. Her bombastic behavior melds nicely with my WASP brother Anderson's discomfort.

In gossip news, Hugh Hefner finally settled down with that runaway bride Crystal Harris. Sixty-year age difference. Hard to know what that's about.

We had a leisurely New Year's day. Went ice skating at Chelsea Piers. Dish is a good skater but was cautious to avoid falling, concussion, blood clot, hospitalization. Because I've been sleepless for a good week, my balance is off. It doesn't take much for me to bump into things. TG was fully welcome to injure himself and did some experimenting with backward skating. I didn't fall. At one point, he glided toward me slowly, grimacing and then suddenly fell on his ass--as often happens with ice. A good day overall.

A sweet movie: Salmon Fishing in the Yemen. Emily Blunt can do no wrong.

Almost forgot. Seeing Jersey Boys on Thursday. This will help me forget about Hillary's health.