Thursday, January 10, 2013

"You might really like me again!!!"

It took a great act of self-restraint to keep from slipping a congratulations note to Sally Field for her chubby now Oscar-nominated performance as Mary Todd Lincoln who had really ugly hair. Sall threw some excellent Nora Walker-style hissies. As for you, Ms. Chastain, how dare you try to impersonate me. I've just ordered the Pringles and Entemann's trucks to park right on your lawn. You're so jealous of me, aren't you? I see you in all those movies, being all willowy and acty, like Julia. Let's get this straight--there is only one Julia here. And that's me. Oh, who took the blanket off my cage?

Here you go for some of the nominations and my bitchy comments:

Best Picture--i.e. No Film Left Behind: "Beasts of the Southern Wild"(What's this?)
"Silver Linings Playbook"(Bipolar)
"Zero Dark Thirty"(Osama)
"Lincoln" (Freeing slaves = Gay marriage)
"Les Miserables" (Wa, wa, wa, wa, I'm miserable)
"Life of Pi" (in a boat with a tiger, seasick, yet TG cries during this trailer every time)
"Amour"(You had me at Isabelle Huppert, but still haven't seen it)
"Django Unchained"(Spike Lee is PISSED)
"Argo" (wanna see)

Best Supporting Actor:
Christoph Waltz, "Django Unchained"(again?)
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "The Master" (again?)
Robert De Niro, "Silver Linings Playbook" (again?)
Alan Arkin, "Argo" (again?)
Tommy Lee Jones, "Lincoln" (again?)

Best Supporting Actress: Sally Field, "Lincoln"(Queen of the Hissy)
Anne Hathaway, "Les Miserables"(Shoo in)
Jacki Weaver, "Silver Linings Playbook"(?)
Helen Hunt, "The Sessions"(full frontal, yes)
Amy Adams, "The Master" (eh)

Best Director: Won't Comment to Protest Omission of Ben Affleck David O. Russell, "Silver Linings Playbook"
Ang Lee, "Life of Pi"
Steven Spielberg, "Lincoln"
Michael Haneke, "Amour"
Benh Zeitlin, "Beasts of the Southern Wild"

Best Actor:
Daniel Day Lewis, "Lincoln"(lock)
Denzel Washington, "Flight"(idea of drunk pilot is too scary to win)
Hugh Jackman, "Les Miserables" (he'll get there)
Bradley Cooper, "Silver Linings Playbook"(crazy = Oscar, but prosthetics acting > crazy)
Joaquin Phoenix, "The Master" (Tom will prevent the win)

Best Actress:
Naomi Watts, "The Impossible"(pretty)
Jessica Chastain, "Zero Dark Thirty" (pretty)
Jennifer Lawrence, "Silver Linings Playbook"(pretty)
Emmanuelle Riva, "Amour"(old)
Quvenzhané Wallis, "Beasts of the Southern Wild"(young)

Best Original Screenplay:
"Zero Dark Thirty"
"Django Unchained"
"Moonrise Kingdom"(win)

Best Adapted Screenplay:
"Silver Linings Playbook"
"Argo"(might win)
"Life of Pi"
"Beasts of the Southern Wild"

Who got ignored, Dan: Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio,Kathryn Bigelow

Today's video clip: In my next life, I'd like to come back as Michael Des Barres. Also, Crockett and Tubbs have no idea just how lucky they are.

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