Monday, December 18, 2006

Damonetics: a religion based on the history-changing works of Matt Damon

Today’s Proverb

After school and chores, a sweet girl of sixteen went for a nice walk down a paved road—since that’s what teenagers do. She sang to herself and moved happily until her path came to a dead end. An enormous mansion loomed ahead and she gasped. It was like her dream Barbie house! The windows sparkled with candle light, flowers bloomed in window boxes and a tended lawn surrounded the impressive structure. This was way better than her house on Sadsack Lane.

Just as she was about to turn around, the door to the mansion opened and He appeared. Rainbow colors shimmered in the man's aura and His well-sculpted body was evident as He flexed his calves. Unlike most, He had time to work out; His work depended on it. Under gleaming golden hair that covered a prematurely lined brow (the only imperfection due to not getting a Botox appointment in time), His eyes danced with sardonic amusement. What a stupid girl to get so lost, He thought. Her journey came to him in a vision, made possible by some Grade-A Thai stick.

“Who are you?” the girl asked, pulling on her braids, which were so Melissa Gilbert in Little House on the Prairie.

“I have many names,” He said, securing the belt on his robe. Jail time was steep for those revealing bounty to youth and he was more moral than Mary Tyler Moore-al.

“I’m not into modern technology like iPods and cell phones. But how can I have a mansion like yours?” the girl asked.

“You must follow the way. And make buckets of money.”

“Why do I need money if I have the way?”

A silence permeated the air. She got nervous as she watched His eyes cloud. Then, finally, he spoke.

“Silly rabbit, you must stop confusing the matter with such complicated questions. Simplicity is best.” With that, He took out a comb from the pocket of his silk robe and worked his hair into an even more brilliant sheen. “How does it look?” Angling his head, He raised an eyebrow in question.

So inspired, the girl’s young bosom heaved. “It looks fabulous.” With that, she turned and skipped all the way home.

Moral of the story: When things become too difficult, follow the law of Damonetics and worry about your hair.

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