Mayonnaise is important.
Putting butter on bacon is delicious
It's possible to give up an addiction without telling everyone about it.*
Work hard, even if you have pneumonia. Okay, maybe not if you have pneumonia.
Laugh at funny men. (Jack Nicholson, Jim Carrey, everyone in The 40-Year-Old Virgin)
Get manicures/pedicures often and tell your manicurist how the reason why your nails look bad is because you work so much in the garden.
When in doubt, soak all food in butter.
If too much Chardonnay makes you vomit, blame it on the grapes and switch to Pinot Grigio.
Wearing black is always a Martha Stewart good thing.
Mayonnaise, yogurt, and mustard make a scrumptious topping for any casserole (oh, wait, that's just me)
Get the hell off your couch and go for a walk.
When your child seems a little anorexic, order something for yourself and then shovel most of it onto her plate.
Try to see the good in people, or appear to, and let your children learn from their own mistakes.
If you have the chance for someone to play you in a movie, choose Meryl Streep--I mean, Demi Moore.
Support women, unless they're jerks.
Ignore jerks as they are usually inconsequential.
Throw parties. Lots of them.
People can surprise you. Don't abandon your faith in them.
You can be quiet about some things, but fight to the death for worthy causes.
5 minutes of calisthenics is just fine.
Fried oysters are the best thing on the menu.
And most importantly, always look on the bright side of your life.
*Mom quit butts through acupuncture and didn't whine about how hard it was. I quit butts cold turkey and whined about it for a year. Another lesson: Don't be such a whiner.