Not in Cleveland

Dish had horrible nightmares of living in Crack Den, Ohio (gag!) in the worst possible hotel with a baby I had to protect. I kept going to the wrong floor, confronting thugs with guns until I finally escaped and ran to an oil company where they took good care of me. I kept having to go back into the den.

I blame Deepak Chopra for this dream since right before achieving sweet slumber, I found TWO typos in his book Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul, on p. 172 and 173. I expected more from you, Deepak. My soul was about to be resurrected, but you sent me back to Cleveland.

Today's skinny involves more Katie and Tom. It turns out, she's left Tom to be closer to Dish instead of Scientology. I know exactly where she's living, which means more trips to dreaded Whole Foods where I can spy*. I will at least let her know I'm available for babysitting (as long as Suri knows how to clean).

Alec Baldwin went gingie** to get married to his alluring--seemingly zen--yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas. They are a cute couple, for reals. Even Woody attended the event! Despite his condemnation of the media, A-Bald sold the wedding pics to People. Deep down, I'm happy for them if love resurrects their souls and renders him less batsh*t. Not so deep down, I compile the evidence that he's probably a big mess (though also brilliant and a celebrity, so much latitude needed, please). Why not just ignore paps who try to bait him? I hope Yoga helps calm him down. Or age does it.

*I won't do this. I hate going to Whole Foods.
**Oh, how Christian Grey of you, Alec. Dyeing is the man's facelift.

Happy Birthday, Dishmama!

Today she is on a jet plane, arriving way past her bedtime. We are at a loss how to celebrate when the goddess herself is in the air. I dove headlong into a movie marathon:

Safe House: Ryan Reynolds is an excellent action hero and he proves he can act in this thrill-packed CIA chase-reel. Denzel does his usual slick masterful mentor thing, killing some soldiers along the way. Predictable, repetitive, but what else is there? If you like watching things go boom, rent immediately. I loved it.

Young Adult: Another wit-tastic flick from Diablo Cody's pen. The sad thing is that I identified too much with the Charlize character, except I would never go back to my hometown to throw a big hissy over my first love. Life is hell. Charlize is perfect.

The Dictator: Far less irritating than Bruno or Borat. I laughed all the way through and enjoyed TG's hysterics. It was a nice change from his bitching at me to walk on the shady side of the street on our way to Union Square.

Mirror Mirror: I'm bewildered by how bad this is. I can't even stomach Julia. I hope she's screaming at whoever chose this project, even if it's to a mirror. I'm 10 minutes in, feeling that Julia needs Dish's help STAT to revive her career. I want her in an urban movie, playing a cold, beautiful socialite and screwing the daylights out of someone hot and not Tom Hanks. We've only seen her have sex in Sleeping with the Enemy (it made me uncomfortable) but it's time to shake things up and go for a less predictably Julia project (which is usually unpredictable, so by that, I would choose something I would predict she wouldn't choose).

The same advice for Tom Cruise--a career overhaul to deal with this next phase of life. No spacesuit or law enforcement stories. He was awesome in Rock of Ages but the movie seems to be tanking. Maybe the world doesn't want to see him shirtless anymore. I think he's brilliant when he wears a suit in a movie (Jerry Maguire, Lion for Lambs, Collateral). If his social life is going to hell, maybe Oscar should be his next goal.

Katie IS Brilliant X 2

According to TMZ, Katie filed for divorce and SOLE custody in NYC, which allegedly blind-sided Tom and works to her advantage. It seems a sexless marriage Scientology was the issue. Now the question is whether Tom will put up a nasty fight. If he's smart, he won't.

I wish I knew the whole story. Seriously, I wouldn't tell a soul except TG though he can't keep a secret. Wouldn't it be cool if Tom told the truth about everything? Could we handle the truth?

Katie Holmes is Brilliant!

My late 20s sucked and I imagine they did for Katie as well (because I just know). Her engagement to Chris Klein ended and her career was in flux--though brazilliant in Pieces of April and The Gift. Why NOT marry Tom Cruise? She only had to stay with him for a set amount of time--allegedly. Now she has a gorgeous daughter and her whole fabulous 30s to look forward to. Tom would never let her starve on the street. If she keeps her mouth shut about what their marriage was really all about (don't say "true love"), he might even help her along the way.

I wonder if she'll stick with Scientology or go back to Catholicism, as did Nicole.

Divorce is terrible, but I'm just filled with hope over Katie's future. The only thing that offends me is the assumption that Tom will go to John Travolta, as if saying that a gay Scientologist should only date another gay Scientologist*.

*If you believe the rumors, which I don't necessarily do, do I?

Katie, You Don't Complete Me! Cruises Divorcing!

Stay tuned for details. I am in shock.

Maybe the Mayans are right about the world ending...

Obama Care Stays, Ann Curry Goes

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Wasn't that Leo Tolstoy? JK. Maybe. So, Dish was watching Fox News (just for Judge Alex) when they broke through with the URGENT and DIRE decision to keep Obama-care. There was a lot of sighing and head-shaking. I still feel Obama should have gone further with this policy but I'll take this victory! (Vote Hillary)

Earlier this morning came another history-making event: Ann Curry announcing that she's leaving Today. This is probably one of the most awkward TV moments that I've ever witnessed--especially Matt's suggestion that she might jump out of a plane soon: .

Matt Lauer is a douche*. I haven't watched this show since Katie Couric left, but I hope that this botched departure hurts Today's ratings. And I hope Ann Curry's popularity grows exponentially! (Thanks, TMZ!)

I predict continued low ratings. Meredith Viera was a hard act to follow.

*So are the "high priority" emails flooding my inbox. Nothing is that urgent. Really. It's making Dish cranky.

Mourning for Nora Continues

Unfortunately, Dish has read no testimonials about the brilliance of Nora but will tomorrow. It's just been a busy day. TG did laundry, bought stamps, took me out to dinner and a movie, so I'm lucky.

We went to see Gringos at the Gate, directed by one of TG's classmates, about soccer in Mexico vs. the U.S. Dish played and coached soccer, so this documentary was pure pleasure (go Italia tomorrow!).

My final thought: I am never contributing to a Presidential campaign ever again, unless Hillary. I'm getting emails asking for more every single day.

Movie and Writing Legend Nora Ephron Dies

What is happening? I remember watching Heartburn and thinking, What depressing sh*t is this? Then I grew to love the movie and appreciated how it delved into women's lives. Everyone has seen When Harry Met Sally... and wondered if it could happen in real life -- your best guy buddy is the love of your life*. Sleepless in Seattle made me realize that you should never marry a man with sinus issues, because Bill Pullman so obviously wasn't right for Meg Ryan. Nora wrote Silkwood (no hotter screen lesbian than Cher, oh wait, forgetting Katherine Moennig), visualized Julie & Julia and so many others (we'll forget Hanging Up because it consisted of Meg and Diane screaming). Nora Ephron is one of those women who changed us and showed women as witty and intelligent. I don't know what else to say. She should have had another twenty years of rocking our worlds.

In less interesting news, Charlie Sheen might have decimated another hotel room but no details have come to light. Really. It's shameful all that talent going down the toilet.

TG and I are so intrigued by Hollywood news that we've decided to storm California in late July. We are going on The Shield Re-enactment Tour. Seriously, though, we'll take meetings, hang out in The Hills, be on The Hills, get Botox and do initial consultations for filler. TG and I are already spray tanning -- or at least I am. TG always is bronzed naturally, which is so unfair.

RIP, Nora Ephron.

*He usually just wants you to be his shrink and has sex with your roommate instead.

Paris is now a DJ?

I'm all for Paris Hilton trying to find herself. This past week, she debuted as a DJ somewhere south of Dish. I saw the clip and, first of all, I don't get the DJ as rock star. Aren't they supposed to be off to the side, up in the booth? Where's the mystique if they stand on stage and push buttons? Not interesting at all! I say, Paris needs to go to college.

TV Land aired American Film Institute's honoring of Shirley Maclaine. I confess my eyes filled at the start-up music. A room filled with Julia, Meryl, Jack, Don Rickles (It's not always about you, Morgan Freeman!). How could I not cry a little? I love my Shirl but what the hell animal died on her head? She wore a weird wig but those sparkling blue eyes are mesmerizing. Julia did well, looks great with her tanner but...I hate to admit this...I'm turning a little. The wind tells me she might not be my imaginary best friend after all. Must consult an acquaintance in the know. Jack Nicholson should never speak in public again. It's okay because Jack Black blew everyone away, facing her reincarnation stuff head-on.

The skinny: Koda is frontrunner to take over for Ann Curry. I like that but hate that Ann Curry is being skewered. I think she's been treated like crap from Day #1. Let the tide turn and make her beloved. Octomom has a boyfriend but Dish smells a beard to get on TV.

So Dish has written her scandalous and bitchy fictitious memoirs and needs a good first name pseudonym, something modern and peppy. Any ideas?

Happy Gay Pride

Since my self-esteem hinges on how many Likes I get for my George Takei share, I will try to tear myself away and focus on the stars. Oh right, and Gay Pride. I should have hauled my butt to a pier to party with the girls from The Real L Word, but my butt urges me to stay on the couch. It's saying, "Please, Dish, no effort today. We have a little vertigo." Happy Gay Pride, Everyone! It's a glorious event, which should occur daily.

Today, I'm pondering the Kris Humphries downward spiral and instead of fighting, I think he should walk away and sign the divorce papers. Stop speaking to anyone and just play basketball. Marrying Kim K is like being an alkie. After extricating yourself, follow the steps, know that you're powerless to Kris Jenner and that while under the K umbrella you are not yourself. It's time to cut the cord.

I rewatched I Love Trouble, seeing the crabby side of Julia. It's obvious she loathed filming with Nick Nolte. I'm just that attuned to all Julia emotions. Just to give you an idea of the movie's stellar script, Nolte says this at one point to my imaginary BFF: "Where'd you come from? Bitchville?" After my viewing, I did a Google search "Julia Roberts, temper tantrum, mean in real life" and follow the links. I then chastised myself for my negative activities.

Following this, I lit bugs on fire.

Is There Life after HBO?

Maybe not since I can't critique Newsroom, the new Jeff Daniels, Emily Mortimer, Aaron Sorkin show. I'll Netflix it just as I did zzzz-Mildred Pierce. But you don't care about what I don't see. There's nothing on with all my stories wrapped up. I only hold on for the final The Closer (so over it), The Real L Word and Bachelor Pad.

Oh right, Sandusky was convicted, as if there was any doubt. Big victories for his victims and those future victims who've been saved. Hallaylooya! So much innocence lost. I do follow the news. Last night, TG and I toyed with the idea of taking a picture of me next to big Anderson Cooper so as to recreate the real-life pic of me and AC. It'll never happen again. His blue eyes are scorching.

It's a heartbreaking day in our household. We finished The Shield. When the final episode ended, we were like WTF was THAT? Open ending with so much ACTING. Blink, Vic. It makes the tears come faster. Think of something SAD! We've decided Walton Goggins wins Best Actor for the series with a special award to Andre Benjamin for being awesome on the show and in general.

Now we are so bored that TG called our landline from his iPad. When I wouldn't pick up the phone (because I knew it was a prank), he answered and conversed with "Nick Rhodes." At least he got the name right, instead of Jill Kardashian!

Can't You Feel the Love in this Picture?

My fairy godmother had a special Julia movie delivered to me for the weekend. In 1994, I was chasing cyclists, using email for the first time, signing up for a master's program and hearing all about how Julia and Nick Nolte hated working with each other on I Love Trouble. In this flick, he looks semi-normal, but you kinda don't want to see them kiss. Poor Julia. I can't wait to watch this mess!!!

The condition of Dish: Still aching over missing the mini-DD concert. Do you think Simon has stopped crying and forgiven me for staying in the a/c and watching The Shield with TG?

Speaking of Simons, today I pondered Simon Cowell and the rumor he's had plastic surgery. The man must have engaged in Botox, but perhaps having heaps of $$ necessitates severe procedures. I see my sags and don't blame him one bit. But is it lonely at the top, Simon? Two failed engagements to women. So much pressure to reinvigorate his brand. I keep wanting him and Seacrest to give in to the sexual tension simmering between them. The hottub is just right.

Recently divorced James Marsden, whom I always thought was gay talented, knocked up a brazilian model, i.e. the kryptonite for most actors, musicians and sports figures. Children, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

The Curry firing furor still keeps everyone guessing. She's pretty classy to keep on going. Will remember her cool as I'm in the enemy's sights.

Ann Curry Leaving Today?

According to TMZ, Ann Curry is almost out the door of Today. Dish always thought her not the ideal choice to cohost, especially with douchey Matt. Ann's soothing voice works so much better delivering news. Who could sit next to Matt? He needs someone next to him whom he's not likely to boink or want to boink. Someone for whom he'll have respect since he seems like a tool. I do love his Tom Cruise and Madonna interviews! He finesses La Madge like a fine instrument.

Just desserts: Bristol Palin's show bombed. I'm not sure why Lifetime found her story interesting for TV. I mean very little disrespect because TG and I learned today that we're not interesting either!!! We went to "audition" for a show and we put the casting people to sleep. Maybe for a Metamucil commercial, we could have sh*t colorful, perky rainbows. Alas, we're not a "fun couple." Wiping away our bitter tears, we console ourselves with the thought that we might be too educated to appear on TV. Damn you, fine education!

Carrie Underwood enraged some of her fan base by coming out for gay marriage. Nicely done, girl. Stick up for what you believe!

Kristin Davis and Aaron Sorkin a couple. I LOVE IT! I've been waiting for her to partner up forever. Charlotte pretty. Aaron crazy and smart. Maybe they need to be on TV. Oh wait...

Who are you?

Dishbrother noticed that I get a good bunch of readers every day, but not many comments. Who are Dish's readers? Please say hi!

Really Real

Real Housewives of New York: Sonja is starting a catering company*. Twitchy Ramona gives her advice on business. LuAnn wants to breed with Jacques--cool, she and I can go get our decrepit haggy eggs tested. Carole is so over all of it. Aviva has phobias (identical to mine) but long flowing blonde hair and a whipped husband to make up for it. I dunno, the ladies don't quite mesh this season. It's hanging by a thread with the animosity between Lu & Ram, Ram & Hez. Bring back Jill Zarin and Alex McCord to stir up the fun!

Real Housewives of Orange County: Really, eating a bow off of someone else's cake at a party is okay? Really, Sarah? How drunk are you? I have the feeling this is the only excitement available. Team Heather.

*Please, she should start a Tarot reading service and pimp out Dish's psychic gifts.

I Am Lame

5:24 pm: I feel like a terrible person/fan. Normally, I would venture out to see DD in this heat but after researching the venue and knowing my phobic tendencies multiply in heat/noise/places where I'm trapped, I am bailing on a free mini-show. There just aren't enough perks, i.e. a seat, decent view, a longer set, meet n' greet, and I can't repeat the skankification of Atlantic City. My only comfort is that in 2011, I spent over 1K on The Cause. I will see them in August at Foxwoods (beaucoup $$$).

Okay, that's enough self-flagellation. (No one cares, Dish)

You Know It's Hot When...

...I consider ditching Duran Duran tonight. What will Dish do? Go see her favorite band play in the steaming hot sun amidst other grimy bodies or stay home in a/c and watch The Shield with TG?

I'm thinking the only way I'll go is if someone sends a car filled with ice cubes.

On a less troubled note, TG and I might be on television again. Stay tuned. And my doctor tells me I'm perfect. In the last year, I'd given up 50% of my pancake intake for fear that I was pre-diabetic. Not even close, readers. Not even.

Happy Birthday, John Taylor of Duran Duran and Nicole Kidman!

He is my first rabid rock-star crush, but we won't let him hog up the entire day. Nicole Kidman turns 40-something today!


You cusp babies are international treasures!

I'm Going to Have Nightmares for the Rest of My Life

What fresh hell is this? Angelina as Maleficent. We're all f*%&cked.

I'm Too Old for General Admission

Just found out that the concert venue for my beloved heroes of now&yore is *%(^*ing General Admission. Dish had planned on arriving early and wearing a nice dress and heels. Now, I'm lucky if I slink out in my pajamas and lipstick*. I'm wary of GA since the Bercy incident of 1989**. Though, in 2008, by lingering in the back of another GA concert, I ran into the great Yasmin. Dish will show up in line at 7:45. I'll Tweet everything that happens.

And rest assured, I am still an obsessed fan.


*That might be cool, my M&M boxers might be a hit.
**Embarrassment of standing in line with 12 y.o. French girls and screaming just as loud. I sustained ear damage.

Justin Bieber's Fans Saved Tuesday!

These Bieber-lovin' tweens have stamina. All day long they camped outside Dish's window* and screamed. At first, I thought, how cute. Then, how irritating. Then, how awesome! These fans are devoted and strong. I may not be into Justin, but I'll put stock in his powerhouse fans. They would shield you from ANYTHING, especially your getting into J&R. As I stepped onto one subway platform, I witnessed a fan mid-swoon. "Just breathe, honey," the mama said. I totally understand, honey.

Today's gossip was a downer. Fresh from getting his marriage license, Alec Baldwin got into it with a Daily News photog, who filed with the police. AB seems like such a violent a-hole but this means Andrea Peyser will write another venomous column in tomorrow's Post and Twitter feud will ensue, so yeah! My stomach churned further over the Mike Tyson/Spike Lee on Today, blah. A one-man show on Broadway, really? Bobby Brown got married and Roger Clemens found not guilty. I have a hard time believing in the latter's innocence, but god, it was fun watching him pitch way back when.

If things couldn't get worse: Johnny and Vanessa have split. Final nail on coffin. The Mayans are right.

*People across the way must have thought it sad to see a 44 y.o. woman staring out the window at Biebermania while knitting a pink hat. I'm completely insane.

Fans Camped Out for Justin Bieber

...right outside Dish's current window! Who knew that Park Row was actually Bieber Blvd? He's due to arrive early afternoon. The squealing has already begun.

Breathing the Same Oxygen as You Know Who

Damn you, Nick Rhodes. You're probably strolling by Chelsea art galleries as we speak. I live so close to Barney's Co-op, I could just camp out in the hopes that famous pop stars might need to load up on Kiehl's or 400$ t-shirts. It kills me to think the boys are HERE in NYC. Simon's beard is collecting flotsam and jetsam, covering my favorite diva's fluffy jowls. Then there's John Taylor. Ditching the vices of yesteryear, John is juice detoxing (he Tweets EVERYTHING). From what I know about detoxing, it involves multiple visits to the bathroom and that's too real for me. Dom and Roger are probably sitting somewhere being quiet. Where is Dish? Going about the business, as usual, because I'm not a big freak. Deep down, though, I'm standing near their hotel*, hoping for a peek.

If I have to acknowledge other stars, here you go: That dastardly Gisele might be preggo again. This causes the cosmos to heave majestic beauty hormones so violently, you might have felt a shower of glitter and laughter (saying you're not as sexy as I am, hahahahha!!!). There go my intestines, rumbling sympathetically with John Taylor's spastic colon. Kim revealed to Oprah that her marriage wasn't a sham. This sounds like the most boring interview ever. What else would she say? In sadder news, Ozzy Osbourne's son, Jack, just announced that he has MS. Poor guy. Sending him healing vibes.

Lastly, a virtual high-five to Ronan Farrow, an impressive fellow, who recently decimated his father Woody Allen on Twitter: "Happy father's day -- or as they call it in my family, happy brother-in-law's day." I'm so down with him on vengeance against dads who are sh*ts. Ronan Forever!

*I know which one!

Can't We All Just Get Along?

1991 was a terrible year for me, the worst ever. So many bad things happened in the world, too. The Gulf War. William Kennedy Smith rape trial. Anita Hill hearings. The Rodney King beating. Soon after my own brush with violence that same year, I drove through my quiet Albuquerque neighborhood, only to pass William Kennedy Smith in his car. Just because you survive one brutal act, doesn't mean life magically gets better. Some of us tumble over the edge indefinitely. I briefly went on anti-depressants to get through 1991 and part of 1992.

Today I woke up to news that Rodney King had died. I remembered him, that semi-sort of Jesus figure, representing those who just couldn't catch a break, i.e. almost everyone. He was supposed to have been this hero for the civil rights movement, but his long trail of lawlessness kind of killed that dream over the years. It became a sign of the times. Heroes crumble, shoot themselves in the head at the peak of glory, take steroids, and screw the intern. This seemed real to me back then, but it makes me sad now that he had this spotlight.

No angel or devil -- and RK seemed to float somewhere in between -- should have to endure what he did when those deranged cops beat the crap out of him. Sadly, his passing marks one more notch for the substance-related celeb deaths, and I wonder if the notoriety killed him faster. Maybe just the opposite. My dormant idealism wants him to have lived many more years, with a resolute victory over his demons and more Rumi-esque questions for humanity. Why do we treat each other and ourselves so poorly? Can't we all just not lose our sh*t?

This brings me to my latest obsession: Cat Marnell, a former beauty staffer for xoJane.com. I knew nothing about her until today's Page Six. Drug-addled and open about it? A brilliant writer? Can't keep it together and released from her steady job? Had to learn more. I scoured her blogs--indeed a brilliant girl. Indeed tormented and an addict. It's evident in the increasing incoherence (alliteration, moi?) in her video how-tos (the smoky eye is the best). When someone this messed up loses her 9 to 5 job, it's the kiss of death.

I need a manicure.

The Winds Are Shifting in NYC in Preparation for @DuranDuran!

I could smell a change in the weather even last night. There might be a plane overhead. Or soon to be. Picture it: Dish, in new cutoffs and stepfather's shirt (sick yes, awesome no), wandering the streets and breathing in the dawn of a new week. The skies felt a little Britishier, the pavement ready for my Pop-loving feet. Sure, the work-mountains I must conquer, but my DVR is set for GMA and a little champs for Monday's viewing. JK, I don't drink pills are okay but I like to pretend.

Actually, I was on my way to Duane Reade to buy a shower curtain. Dish is ever-mindful of those menial tasks, the break sorely needed from crumbling sentences and putting them back together again. In one Woolf-esque moment (I think I'll buy the shower curtain myself), I stood on 19th street, watched the giggling couples, the sad Saturday night bar scene, the idle firehouse and jittery boys looking for cough syrup. I am part of this landscape--the scraggly girl running errands. Would it ever change? No. But Duran Duran is almost here.

If only Mrs. Dalloway had listened to Hungry Like the Wolf.

My Gossip Is Tainted by Bar Brawls!

Chris Brown and Drake: They're sliming up my TMZ and my Radaronline. Please, let them go out on a battlefield with their rulers, measure their guns and fight for Rihanna all by themselves. Bar brawling is for losers. When the gift of song is lacking, maybe it's the only thing keeping them in the news.

Just finished the Dallas pilot. 25 years later, JR remains deliciously evil, Bobby the giant, loveable weenie he always was. Botox and facelifts make time just disappear (note to self). As much as I like Brenda Strong, I'm missing my Victoria Principal. Maybe she'll pull a jack-in-the-box at pivotal moment, then sell us some hand cream. Sue Ellen is as vapid and breathy as ever as the soon-to-be governor of Texas. Jordana Brewster: Have always loved her--she needs to gain about 10 pounds in muscle and heft. She is gaunt and ghostlike. At first, I found John Ross and Christmas (a typo, but it's staying) bland but these two lads might work as leads. Let's hope they have an oil-wrestling moment out in the fields, followed by French kissing that lasts for days. Yay, Texas!!!

Dish has been inundated with sturm und drang all week. Summer is my busy season. For a while, it felt as if the lights went out upstairs. The magic of TG and the surprise chance to see Duran Duran, well, those things help a girl through. So does cursing.

Rock of Ages--Hot Off the Presses!

I feel what the critics are saying about Rock of Ages. Here are my bulletpoints, combining pros and cons:

Disclaimer: I haven't seen the show and I'm sure it's better.

It could have been 15 minutes shorter. There were pacing issues, especially at the beginning.

Julianna Hough was miscast. She was better in Burlesque (don't rent that) where she played a funner, more interesting secondary character. Here, she blanded out, though I'm sure this is what the role calls for, a juxtaposition to the screen-stealers. The guy, sort of the same deal, but he had great moments performing.

If there's one reason to see the movie, it's Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is AMAZING in "Hit Me with Your Best Shot." She should always perform in musicals--film or stage. I don't care if she has bipolar disorder. She is brilliant. Bryan Cranston is his usual awesomeness and he will rock my world starting July 15th with the return of Breaking Bad.

I kind of like Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin together. Wonder what would have happened to cast actual gay men in the role, though that's probably offensive. You could sort of see the over-gaying-up. Still, they were fun.

Tom obviously studied and summoned the spirit of Axl Rose. He WAS Axl, especially around the ass, back and belly. It was frightening (so were his back wrinkles). Every time I feel Tom lacks talent, I watch him on screen and realize, Okay, he is a moviestar and my eyes are glued to the screen. I can't help loving him and there's a reason he's on film. Watching him made me want to ditch my too-big clothes and go skin-tight. SORRY, VIEWING PUBLIC. I might have to wear a snug dress to the mini-Duran Duran show I'm about to see. Tom makes middle age glamorous. So must we all be.

The music is full of nice mash-ups.

I Feel The Need...

...for a little Tom awesomeness in Rock of Ages. It's gotten stinky reviews, but I gotta go. I have the feeling TG finds me to be a boring, vile pig these days so will acquire high-brow culture to escape my mundane self. Might need to become Scientologist so I can be as vivacious and interesting as Tom. Stick those electrodes on and audit me, baby!

The Feds Looking Askance at Lance!

There are new/old doping allegations against athlete Lance Armstrong. Dish is too close to this issue--one degree of separation. They'll throw me in the slammer over what I think I know. Okay, maybe that's overstating. Lance told my friend her legs were fat and then she made him an egg-white omelet. This was years ago, before he was LANCE. First of all, Dishfriend's body is HOT and cycle-toned for life so we kinda hate him. Second, as a former cycle widow* I learned that doping is everywhere in the cycling world. How else to get through races? How else to deal with nine-hour rides except with a little herbal infusion? Thankfully, my ex-cycle-BFs* were fairly clean in races and had moral codes with respect to the sport (but were dirty dogs in other respects). This new Lance bombshell doesn't surprise me.

Yay: Emily Maynard is reportedly engaged to one of her bachelors! Can't wait to hear which one. Blah: Chris Brown and Drake's entourage allegedly brawled in a NYC nightclub. I've had enough of this dirtbag.

Dish is bitter. Screw SJP and Obama and their fundraiser dinner. 100$ down the toilet. If they don't want me in their home, I don't want their duck confit salad and quinoa tartlettes either!!! (Just kidding. I'd kill for some quinoa and O face time)


*Never date an athlete.
**Yes, more than one. More than two. It was a dark period in Dishlore.

Did You Get Chills Seeing the Trailer for "Dallas"?

I sure did! I cannot wait to get my fill of the dastardly JR and angelic Bobby. Those fierce Texans knocked my socks off when I was 10, they'll do it again when I'm...um... younger than all the members of Duran Duran! This show lassoed my heart and I dreamt of becoming a drunken housewife like the breathy Sue Ellen. Finally, let there be geezer sex...with a Stetson!

I'm catching up on my stories:

The Bachelorette: I don't know how Emily is going to pick from all the guys. I really don't. My money is still on Arie but Jef is kinda cool despite his zygote-ish looks. Still seems mid-pube.

Just saw finale: Screw you, Mad Men!

The Tonys: Have loved Judith Light since One Life to Live. She can do no wrong and she scares me. Matthew Broderick--what was he DOING? Why does everyone sound British? NPH awesome as always. It's true, the real talents are in the theater. Sorry, Dishbrothersidekick, no way are you right about Hugh.

Redheads Don't Have More Fun, But The Victory Is Greater When We Do Have a Little Fun!

I often get mistaken for the Flying Tomato himself, Shaun White, gingie supreme. We redheads fight the crippling stigma of being whorish, ill-tempered, Irish, weird and Satanic. So when I hear the news that Shaun White is dating DiCaprio's castaway Bar Rafaeli*, I must stand and do the slow clap. Way to go, Paula. Way to go.

Continuing in my Love to Hate James Franco series, look at what the mother-fella wrote for Huffpo.Could he name-drop more excellent movies and if he loves Sean Penn so much, why doesn't he marry him? Wasn't making out with him in Milk enough? Just kidding. The boy is immersed in books and films, has the name to get published on HuffPo and by Amazon's publishing arm, even if a mite choppy. I'm sure he could re-tile my bathroom, the learned Renaissance bastard!

Katie Couric has a new talk show and new boyfriend. SCORE! I don't care if she shrieks at her makeup people. I love this woman. I watched Bethenny's new show and wasn't thoroughly wowed. I mean, she's hilarious and overpowers mere mortals. And don't we have enough talk shows? Shouldn't say that since she *could* discover the story of Dish and TG and FLY US OUT AND HAVE US APPEAR. Bethenny's show is awesome. Love her! Really, I do.

*Though Bar should remember Dish's maxim: Never date an athlete. Never ever.

The Bitter with the Sweet

On the heels of rejoicing over the news that my favorite shirtless pothead, Matthew McConaughey, tied the knot, one of my favorite anchor/hosts Robin Roberts revealed she had a kind of bone marrow blood disease. It doesn't sound good but she's such a tough broad. Dish might just start praying again. Heal, Robin, heal!

It's not even worth mentioning that Lindsay lied to the cops about her accident, which could mean jail. Sabotage.

The universe smiled on me today. I'm going to see Duran Duran play SOONER THAN I THOUGHT. Maybe this summer won't suck stinky rotten eggs.

Happy Birthday to My Gorgeous, Funny, Overall Awesome Husband!!! And Dr. Oz!

I love you, baby!

Two Star Sightings in Five Minutes: Sally Field and Nicholas Feitel!!!

Fresh from the gym, I went to my supermarket, heading toward the produce section. Dish is trying to turn over a new leaf. After procuring two Fuji apples, I passed the nut section where an adorable Sally Field was exploring the shelves of almonds, quinoa and M&Ms. She looked back at me as if I'd sprouted horns. Naughty Sally! My shirt was a mite see-through. Or maybe it was the rash delivery boy plowing by us in rough buffalo fashion. As I passed by Sally's cart, I tried to memorize her products. All that stuck was: Smuckers!!!

I left the supermarket and walked up toward 15th and 7th. Within seconds I passed Nicholas Feitel (Bethenny's food blogger), checking his phone while dragging a suitcase. He was lost in a land of words, oblivious to the fellow Gingie that is Dish. AND I'M A FAN!

A good day.

There Are No Words...

A picture is worth a thousand chuckles. You don't even need comics. I learned today that that Kim K bought Kanye a Lamborghini for his birthday. TG totally married the wrong woman!

In MeLand: While I love stars, I tend to be disappointed when I meet them in person. There are so many a-holes. To date, the super-non-a-hole exceptions, discovered over several encounters, have been Jon Tenney and Frank Miller who are very friendly in real life. Dish recently encountered a celestial being who seems winning on screen but luckily Dish's age and wisdom helped see the a-hole within. The only time I'd forgive a-hole-itis would be with Julia and DD. Overall, I haven't got time for the pain. Adoration from afar is so much easier on the fragile fan's psyche.

Will This Slow Down Dick and Liz?

Lindsay Lohan was just in a horrific car crash with totaled car. She allegedly went to the emergency room and claimed the truck cut her off. Hope Lifetime can pay the insurance!

Oh God, I'm too depressed even to give this one iota of my time. Miracle/windfall needed. I'm tired of putting forth effort. Can't move my neck.

Happy Birthday, Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran!

And you thought I'd forget! He has the best nostrils in the business. I'm not talking drugs here, but actual flare-tastic dream-catchers. Plus, he can carry off adrogyny even into his...FIFTIES!

Cheers to the Duran Duran member I was in love with from 83-4 (I was all about the John-Simon sandwich). If you watch this, you'll experience his pleasant demeanor. It's like a bubbling bath for the tortured soul. If he ever gets stressed, all he has to do is listen to himself.

I might be relaxed enough for a nap.

Losing 10 Pounds Has Made Me Crazy (er)!

I stepped on the scale this morning and realized I'd lost 10 pounds since April -- when I upped my running regime to 20 miles per week. For some reason, my appetite has left the building, and while I'm ready for TV again, I feel like crap. Dish is not meant to be this thin. Will force myself to chow down. The body wants what it wants. My Pussycat Doll performance will have to wait.

Even though he dissed our segment, I can't help falling in love with Anderson Cooper as he shreds Amanda Bynes over her Tweet to the Prez. A Dish-source once dealt with her and said she was super-mean. Too bad because What a Girl Wants is one of my favorite movies. Love Kelly Preston too...

The big drama is the alleged confrontation between former lovers Taylor Swift and John Mayer. Years ago, she wrote a song dissing him. He was probably a douchey BF (and not even a BF) and, as Simon Le Bon sings in Arcadia's Meet El Presidente "Hell hath no fury like a young girl's ego...". Years later Mayer said her song was mean and bs. A day later they are at the same restaurant and it was like oh my god and in your face. Yeah, I don't believe a word.

Dish has written many vengeance pieces but only one will see the light of day. Maybe.

So, Hillary Clinton is a little tired and overweight?

This according to former NYT editor Edward Klein. Well, here are some male politicians who look like shit.

Miley Cyrus Getting Hitched!

Well, congratulations to the happy couple! I can't imagine getting married so young, but HEY, why not? The wedding will be beautiful (let's hope trashy too) and it's another way for Miley to reinvent herself. But...I always like my girls to keep working. It keeps you from the Bad Ds (depression, Dewars, drugs, disgusting dudes).

In far more important news: Ray Bradbury died. I take for granted all the great novelists are deceased so apologies if I'm not grief-stricken. I mourned Ray long ago, like in the 80s when I read Farenheit 451. That is what he wrote, right? Kill me.

In my solitary viewing of The Bachelorette, I noticed that all the guys were sweaty. Shiny noses and foreheads were rocking the glare and ruining the fantasy for Dish. By contrast, Emily always is a glamazon. My money is still on Arie. An outbreak of stomach flu would up the drama...

Remember how months ago when Dish considered attending the Queer As Folk reunion in Germany last month? Well, guess who was missing? I predicted this, though I would have parked myself by Sharon Gless anyway and beg her call me Sunshine. The Kinney absence seems douchey. Hard for Dish to keep the fan flame alive. Okay, one last try. Michael Fassbender would be an even better Kinney than you-know-who.

Seeing Stars?

Dish stumbled to feed the cat at 3:41am and hit the noggin' hard against the wall, which felt like the kitchen. The bruise on my forehead plagued me all day. Fear not, a little mugwort fixed that right up*.

So, after ditching Hugh Hefner at the altar last year, Crystal Harris moved back into the Playboy Mansion, resuming scrotal excavations. I can only think of their love in filthy terms, but then what is dirtier than love of money? Is this true love or I-couldn't-make-it-on-my-own-itis?

To erase all complex musings, I continued my Ally McBeal journey Take 2 and am now at the point (season 3) where Calista and Portia are scary, scary skinny. This didn't phase me in 2000 since I had the same upper body. THINGS CHANGE ONCE YOU TURN 40...and that's okay no it's not.

I won't mention anything about Scout Willis being arrested in NYC for underage drinking. This is one of the problems of being a starchild. Suri Cruise is SOOOO going to jail at some point. Though I hope not.

I'm a little nervous as we near the end of The Shield (two seasons left) but tonight we might get our television-crack, The Glee Project. I'm not into it, but TG is. He hates Glee, though. Go fig!

*bonus points if you know which movie this comes from.

Damn You, SJP and Obama!

Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. President, how dare you lure me with a star-tastic fundraiser dinner at SJP's apartment (which I think is close to mine so I won't need car service--FYI). That's hitting below the belt. I loves my Sex and the City. I loves my Hillary Clinton Obama. The idea of a free dinner at the home of Sarah, Matthew, John Wilkes Booth McConaughey Broderick and the girl-twins--well, I am a whore for such sumptuous personal-chef-cooked celebrity goodness. I clicked on the Sign Me Up button, which took me to Obama's donor page. Yes, I donated for the tiny chance I might win. It's tax deductible, right? Oh wait...maybe not. And you know I probably won't get picked because I never win anything*. Screwed by the celebs AGAIN! No new J-Crew dress for me this week...

And if I couldn't get any whorier, I got a Duran Duran Fan VIP email signing me up for the chance to win super-secret tickets to a spontaneous NYC concert during the week they're on GMA (6/18, everybody watch). Imagine, I'll soon be breathing the same polluted oxygen as my brave heroes. This devoted fan is dreaming big!!!

Nothing else going on but the stars in their bikinis. And Mad Men. Trying not to read spoiler alerts...I heard something really bad happened involving Lane. Ugh...he represents our collective vulnerabilities. We can't all be the steel that is Don Draper.

*except for the Jackpot of Life with a wonderful family, including a gorgeous and sweet husband.

Death and Marriage: June Is Busting Out All Over

I keep forgetting that June is wedding month, which was why I married in January. I can't compete with all those lovely young brides and Dish sweats in the summer. You know who was probably a gorgeous bride? Drew Barrymore. She got hitched yesterday to Will Something and she's knocked up. Cameron Diaz was in attendance. I need wedding photos now.

My personal favorite couple from Bachelor Pad 2, Holly Durst and Blake Julian also married. I watched this show with great relish and adored the effortlessly fun-loving Holly. Though cast in a dark light at first, Blake let down his spiky, slightly receding hair and fell in love with her.

The more literary my leanings, the crappier my TV. I read Anthony Burgess's New Yorker article then went straight to Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I accept the presence of evil just as I feel for Kim's voluminous ass running for cover when Bruce Jenner puts a wee spider on her.

Nothing will save me from this weekend's heartbreak, the loss of two legends: Kathryn Joosten, of Desperate Housewives and The West Wing, passed away. She proves you can become famous and beloved later in life. And--this one really hurts since he was a large part of my childhood--Richard Dawson of Hogan's Heroes and The Family Feud also died. He would never get away with all that kissing of female contestants today.

T.G.I...Oh, whatever.

I have nothing to say.

Maybe Sunday.