Someone Needs to Stop Public Speaking

Um...awkward!!! These people should be vetted before allowed to endorse publicly. Tommy Lee Jones did a nice job raving about Al Gore, managing to make this candidate seem exciting. Clint was just plain embarrassing -- and I sort of enjoy him. Get another Republican actor--there are plenty! The most cognizant speaker of the night was Marco Rubio. Dish doesn't share many of his beliefs but at least he sounded sane. Mitt's speech was okay. I hope at least the DNC is funner.

American Idol is going to hell. All the original judges are gone and most of us are watching The Voice instead. Nicki Minaj and Mariah don't do it for me. There's a rumor Keith Urban might sign on, which might get me to watch. Mr. Nicole Kidman gets my vote!

Russell Brand and Ginger Spice dating? Why? She was always my favorite. I even forgive her naming her daughter Bluebell Madonna. It's kinda pretty... My next child will be Nicotine Cher!

Dish and TG are suffering from bad chicken salad with potentially tainted mayo. Just the thought makes me ill. I ate it Wednesday and still feel gross. TG ate it yesterday and today. We aren't very happy. This too shall pass.

Un Petit Petit News

LeAnn Rimes checked into some kind of treatment center over possible anxiety issues. Oh, LeAnn, can I come too??? I have anxiety. My stomach hurts and I can't sleep. Plus, I can't sing. Let us all pray that LeAnn comes out of this singing and laying off the bikinis.

Giuliana and Bill Rancic have a baby boy: Edward Duke. Finally, a not-strange celebrity name. This baby might turn out okay.

There's this painful rumor going around that Jennie Garth and Luke Perry are dating. My whole body started shaking with pleasure when I read this. Do you remember when they had this TORRID affair on 90210 and he cheated on Brenda while she was in England? Then Brenda came home all skinny and mean. I even remember the cheating song: Damn, I wish I was your lover. Please, please let this be true. BRANDON AND KELLY FOREVER!!!!

Republican Convention Recap: Day Two

Okay, Everyone. If you were watching Who the Bleep Did I Marry or The U.S. Open or the Weather Channel, here's what happened at the RNC, short for Really Nice Crew!

Rand Paul: zzzz, Vote Mitt even though my daddy isn't that into him...look at my freaky eyes, zzzzz, roads, America, Vote Mitt Romney!

John McCain: I know Mitt, zzzz, Obama bad because he doesn't kill enough foreigners, military yay, zzzz, America, my under-chin waddle distracts even me, foreigners are scary, leadership, Iranian Netta died in the street and Obama practically killed her himself, I am old, Vote Mitt!

Condaleeza Rice: 9/11, 9/11, unpleasant, my control top gives me this pinched tone, 9/11, security, Obama reversed W.'s great work, downward spiral like planes in WTC, shrill, Arab Spring, on the brink, watch the f*ck out! Vote Mitt.

Paul Ryan: Trying to be calm, dying to break out into aerobics, Obama is the Satan in your cereal, zzzz, zzzz, lies, lies, lies, calm, folksy, nicey, my dad died, I hear your pain, lies, domestic problems. Vote Mitt.

The fire of Chris Christie didn't come on this night. The boredom factor is way too high in general. And the lies!!!

Dish likes to see both sides but you know there's trouble when even Fox News and David Brooks diss the GOP candidate.

I'm so sick. Along with the sappy retrospectives on the Bushes and Ron Paul, they done a nice 3-minute short with a few rape victims, legs in stirrups, with caring doctors telling them they have no choice and isn't that great?

In Case You Missed the Republican Convention...

...Here's what happened:

Rick Santorum: Me me me me me me me me me, vote Mitt Romney.
Ann Romney: I love Mitt.
Chris Christie: Me me me me me me me me me, vote Mitt Romney.

And yet, it was such a sexy grouping of Caucasians!

Even hotter were the updates on Hurricane Isaac by ever-luscious Anderson Cooper and some hunkalicious meteorologist. Anderson's hair was totally f*cked from the rain, which made the reporting authentic. Dish kept hoping the rain would blur the camera, shielding viewers from a soft brush of lips. Oh, whoops? Dish has been missing her Queer As Folk. CNN is all I have...

With one week left, DD canceled the rest of its tour. Kinda cringe-worthy, isn't it? One lap left of the marathon and Nick was felled by a virus. Reminds me of when I slept through my very first college class: Calculus II--a moment I'll never get back. I disappointed everyone, especially the barely-conscious octogenarian prof who gave me a C- (I should have failed). I needed my sleep. Sometimes, you just have to stop the world.

Because Donald Trump Is So Gorgeous!!!

Sir Ginger Combover Red Dye #69 Snapper Donald Trump shot a steaming wad from his piehole, attacking Arianna Huffington for whatever reason. He thinks her husband was right to leave her because she's an uggo. Funny, he said this right around the time Dishcat took a steamer on the carpet and called it breakfast. The hole in the ozone widened just a little more, just as polls laughed at his idea to run for President in 2016. SGC's wives, surely, love him for his poetic soul and daunting charisma, the way his stormy eyes glisten when he sees a child hugging a stuffed bear. It's not the money. He is a beautiful man inside and out*.

Bachelor Pad Observation: The best part about this show is the burgeoning love between evil Kalon and sweet Lindzi. The next best thing is watching the Mensa candidates participate in a spelling bee. What dastardly beings these producers are! Lastly, Ed is a tool. I think we've all dated several versions of him. A faux hawk at his age = lame.

DD Update: They've canceled Ohio gig, which is so understandable. If you're sick, it's the last place you want to be.** Get better, Nick Rhodes. If you have that nasty sore throat/chest/streppy thing, it takes weeks to recover, but a Z-pack antibiotic will wipe out the worst of it. Take a flashlight to the throat for advanced entertainment.

Roger Moore's favorite bond is Daniel Craig. Dish's too! Though Roger is #2 for me.

*NOT!

**Please, PC police and residents of Ohio, allow Dish her hatred of Ohio. It's based on years of concrete experience, including birth which my parents couldn't help. At least I was born in the USA.

Ps. Arianna is hot. And way powerful.

I Think I Need To Give Up Meat and Frito's

Dish pulled a Britney and devoured a whole bag of Frito's at 11pm, justifying that I needed "fuel to continue working." Then I finished the marinated beef TG made for dinner. This morning, I feel like Merritt Parkway roadkill. No more junk food and meat. Dishmama will have to work that much harder to fatten me up (there's always cake).

Lindsay Lohan is in more trouble. Maybe she should just go directly to jail. If she's a jewel thief, she's a bad one as she keeps getting caught. Go to college and take some humanities courses, Lindz. There's a big world out there. In the meantime, I'm going to blame Lindsay for everything that goes wrong in my life.

I know many of you despaired over my existential misery at the last Duran Duran concert at Foxwoods. Never fear! I signed up to be a "GOLD" (Spandau Ballet song) member of their fan club, which means lots of merchandise and access to stuff! I'm not sure I have time for full-on psychosis but what the hay. Don't tell TG.

Last night, I tried to watch Bachelor Pad, but TG protested, saying it wasn't "virile" enough. So we watched Cupcake Wars instead. I insisted that Florian wears lipstick, but TG maintain the French pastry master's ruby red lips are perfectly natural.

I Hate to Break It To You...

...but there is nothing going on today*. We are so bored. TG is listening to a Rabbi and Muslim debate Jesus on Youtube. We're one step away from watching Small Town Security, except Dish erased them before TG could find them in our queue.

I was so bored, celebrity-wise, I searched for updates on Nick Rhodes's health. The word "exhaustion" always raises a red flag for me, but I can't believe Master Rhodes would ever, ever abuse his body with anything other than cigarettes, vino and vegetarianism. I found no news and can only pray he recovers swiftly with B-12 shots and a few days' rest. On the treadmill, I wondered what I'd do if one of the Durans got really ill. I don't know how I'd cope. You hear about illness all the time but when it hits someone close to you...

I need to eat dinner.

Congratulations to Rosie O'Donnell on her marriage. I managed to see a snippet of Kelsey Grammer and his new wife interviewed by Oprah. Just bizarre, but she seems nice. Jennie Garth has lost a lot of weight (boo), looks haggard amidst all the praise for her skinniness.

TG is cooking. Who needs to be deathly thin when someone is willing to cook for you?

*Except for Isaac's "surges" and the Republican Convention.

Snooki Is a Mom

I haven't broken the news to TG, that Snooki had a baby boy. His little girl is all grown up, a mama herself. The lambs are screaming in my head. I think she might be a good mother, after all.

Snooki named her boy Lorenzo. Reminds Dish fondly of the Oberlin, Ohio pizza joint by the same name. It added to my Freshman 15, making my ass into a large, flat caboose. Lorenzo's (and pitchers of Killian's Red) got me through college in the Ohio cornfields. Translating passages of Cicero also helped. I had to throw that in there, didn't I? Money well spent, Dishmama!

Florida is having a hurricane, postponing the Republican Convention. Randy Travis is melting down faster than you can say Wild Turkey. Duran Duran canceled another mega-gig due to illness. My hair is frizzier than ever. Mother Nature is PISSED off about something. I'm sticking 80% dark chocolate on my window sill so she leaves me the f*ck alone -- with all due respect.

Mentionitis: Duran Duran never cancels so keyboardist must be sick as a dog. Because I'm Dish, I can't help but think my panicked vibes from Friday caused this. I feel terrible about letting down the fans.

Armstrong Armstrong

Legendary spacewalker Neil Armstrong took that giant leap into the hereafter. Now here's someone who achieved greatness. I was one when all the cool space sh*t went down. Now it's old hat. The Curiosity? Yeah, I went to Mars yesterday...on my bike.

The other Armstrong, Lance, chose to cave to the doping charges and let his accusers strip him of his Tour de France medals. The best decision, really. It would have gone on forever and life is too short. Cycling is a beastly sport with soooo much doping and ways to beat the tests. If you know in your heart you won, who needs a medal? He was nasty to my friend so I can't say I'm sad.

Duran Duran canceled their Atlantic City concert tonight because Nick Rhodes is ill and has been for a few days. I'd be sick too with their grueling travel schedule. In fact, I wouldn't last a week. The last twenty-four hours of travel alone have me dizzy. So glad I chose Foxwoods instead...

My Last Duran Duran Concert

Not everything is rosy when it comes to Dish and Duran Duran. My love is tied up in adolescent angst, many shitty albums, abandonment issues with Roger and John, who left the band and almost didn't come back. Dizzying solo projects, untapped movie/book potential. Simon's beard bothers me because it's so obviously hiding middle-aged jowls. He looks like Shakespeare. Nick's brooches resemble the ones I wore circa 1985 but I let it slide because he's so artsy and a trendsetter. My love isn't blind. Okay, I guess I wouldn't change a thing about them.

By choice, I ditched mountains of work and hundreds of dollars to trek out to Foxwoods yesterday. It's a given that Duran Duran is a bright spot, but something made me cry as I left last night's concert. Maybe because they didn't play Rio.

Then it occurred to me: I'm having an existential crisis, which makes sense since I've been reading so much Sartre. These were my desperate thoughts:

I've been a fan for 30 years. I'm too old/too much of a fan to keep getting nosebleed seats. I've never flown First Class either. That really sucks.

The two women next to me were drunk and loud. One of them fell on me. She was a cow.

I always dread the moment when Simon Le Bon picks up a guitar and pretends to strum during Save a Prayer. I hate that song. I hate fake guitar playing. Stop it, Simon.

I didn't have enough space to dance. I didn't know what to do with my hands, so I felt awkward.

They played 17 songs. I knew they were stuck in traffic on the way to Foxwoods, but Dish would never cut it off at 17. What they did play was awesome.

Before the show, I met people who hung out with the band on a regular basis. They were in the very front row, lapping up band-sweat. I was green with envy. I wish I could have tagged along with them, but I was the outsider. Maybe if I'd been pushier...Oh well, I sort of wanted to just go to bed after the show.

If this is so painful, how could I possibly attend John Taylor's book signing on 10/16? I probably wouldn't even get in the door.

It made me sad to realize that I'd need to spend more $$$ on VIP packages, be at death's door or freakishly win some deal from a radio show ever to meet them. Or I'd need to know someone and they'd have to follow through (which usually never happens). I could stake out their hotel in NYC, but I'm not a loser. It must be my choice to be meet-less thirty years later.

This didn't make me feel better. Here's what did:

I left the concert, mascara running, a woman suddenly barfing in front of me, and realized I hit the jackpot when I met TG. He is a real person and gives me joy at every moment (except when he drives in parking garages). He is there at the end. He won 35$ at the slots and got a free Hard Rock Cafe glass -- which is his equivalent to seeing Duran Duran.

A couple years from now, when the closest place they play is Wallingford, Connecticut, I think I will just stay home (unless I win something).

A Special Happy Birthday to Dishbrothersidekick!!!

Dishbrothersidekick has brought so much joy to Dishbrother and Dishfamily. Not only is he spectacularly handsome but he's insightful, kind, and all-around wonderful. He's made us all better. Happy Birthday, Bro-in-law!!!

But who cares about Duran Duran...

...when a crazy person just shot a bunch of people at the Empire State Building. Sending healing vibes to all those affected.

Duran Duran at Foxwoods, Up to the Minute...

Dish met a deeper layer of Duran fandom. These fans are hard core, like they bring props. They gather together before shows and go on the road together. They have outfits for the shows and have met the band numerous times. They live Duran Duran. Dish is just obsessed. I wish I had more time to fully invest, but I like to think that I love them just as much.

I've learned that to have your dream come true, you have to work very hard.

Let's save a prayer for TG who accompanied me and loathes all this Duran stuff. But he did win big at the slots.

Dish's 9th Duran Duran Concert--Tomorrow Night!

I can't think of anything else. Well, I can, but I don't want to. 30 years is a long time to love a band. It's been hard to focus on the important things.

Like if The Bachelorette's Emily Maynard already cheated on Jef. Apparently, some explicit texts were found between Emily and some other man. I WISH it were Arie except this would ruin his chances of being the next Bachelor. Emily didn't pick him to begin with and who wants to be the SECOND choice? So immature.

Katy Perry might have shed John Mayer, which is a great idea. Though I really don't care.

I went 24 hours without an Altoid and now I'm making up for it. Downward spiral with Katching Up with the Kardashians, as TG calls it. Tried to explain to my therapist that I watched it to examine female archetypes. She raised an eyebrow. I'm so full of crap!

Duran Duran Concert Number Nine, Here I Come!

Simon Le Bon Is My Long Lost Brother!

For those who know Dish personally and have met Dishbrother, watch this and just try to convince me that Simon is NOT the spitting image of my brother. Here's how I think it went:

Simon was born in 1958 (an appropriate time before Dishbrother). I doubt very much that Dishmama was involved because she's too young and too virtuous to birth the lead singer of Duran Duran without telling me. So I'll venture that some errant, wicked things occurred on the paternal side -- though this is reaching since they also find pure driven snow to be pornographic.

Evidence:

Dishbrother and I love England and British literature!

As we all know, Simon descended from the French Huguenots, hence the Le Bon BS. I like to think of Huguenots as the Hugue-pleasedo's! The positive outlook is a hallmark of Duran Duran's music--much like Dish's sunny point of view.

Simon Le Bon's lyrics derived from many bong hits? are much like the crazy, secret language--French--Dishbrother and I speak when we want to gossip in front of people.

Big blue eyes, a Dish/Dishbrother/Dishbiologicalfather trademark, are very Le Bon-esque. The French mostly have huge, hypnotic eyes that make you stay out all night drinking. Dishbrother and I have the same effect on people -- though I've been told I drive people to drink and Dishbrother himself enjoys the occasional spirit, but whatever, it's a family affair.

All of this is to say I don't know what a Huguenot is.

Are you convinced?

(It goes without saying that Dishbrother is far better looking and looks way younger than Simon)

Unless You Live Under a Rock...

...You know that the biggest story is about Prince Harry baring his gingey-self to the world and making the royal family a laughing stock yet again. Though, big whoop. Dish sorta feels that this was the next logical step after the swastika on his Halloween costume. Don't let the world take away your spunk, Prince Harry. You are bold, insane and prone to exhibitionist behavior. (Nice ass!)

This is a pretty amazing video from L. Ron Hubbard's great-grandson. If he's also a myth, he's an articulate one. And a redhead! Thanks, Dishbrothersidekick, for the clip.

There are rumors that David Strathairn will be Kelly Ripa's cohost. Okay. No? Oh, Michael Strahan. I see now.

Dish's Review on the TV miniseries 10.5 (live streaming on Netflix): Only Kim Delaney is smart enough to save the California coastline. The Golden Gate bridge is wavering like Dish post-1/2aglassofscotch, sending cars in the ocean. I think I heard one car honk as it went down. Thank the Lord for Kim. Her idea is to set off Nuclear warheads to fuse the San Andreas fault. I can almost hear her giggle as she proposes this extreme measure to the President's envoy. Meanwhile Bo Duke is off in the hills caring for his asthmatic daughter, narrowly escaping burial in California sand. His ex-wife, the governor, holds back tears as she relays the tragic news, even more tragic since she can't get in touch with her family. Beau Bridges plays the President and he doesn't care if we've done 100%, let's do 200$ to save the people. Fred Ward pulls a Bruce Willis in Armageddon but, still, a small part of California becomes an island -- but, oh, the beauty and horror of Mother Nature. I know, TOTALLY AWESOME! Laughed and cried all the way through.

Prince Harry's Hairy Unveiling

It was only a matter of time, right? Some racy nude photos have surfaced of His Royal Firecrotch's time in Vegas and I must say he works out FOR SHAME, Dish's Favorite Rascally Royal! Dish used to do similar unveilings at age 2. Once, I ran out into the snow stark naked. The British monarchy had it good for a few years and now it's f*cked again.

I feel like the world is going to hell and December 21, 2012, that much closer to our demise. Rosie O'Donnell had a heart attack, and in last night's Bachelor Pad, that evil Erica sent home a beloved character. This is probably why Amanda Bynes got into another car accident.

Oh...and Hilary Swank is single again. She's such a serial monogamist. I don't have fun following her love life. Dish needs more tumult, the essential ingredient in any celebrity relationship.

And now, to bed before the vampires take my blood in the morning...

Double Whammy

Every day it's another precious icon taken by a cruel god. Something in the air...

Accomplished and celebrated director Tony Scott committed suicide by jumping off a bridge in LA. He directed Top Gun, Days of Thunder, Crimson Tide, and True Romance. Aw, buddy. Why? This is far too shocking.

So, I spent most of the day digesting this -- along with some delicious lasagna from the salad bar across the street -- when I read that the all-mighty Phyllis Diller died at 95. Why didn't she take better care of herself?

My spirits broken, I am retiring with some Sartre before I watch Bachelor Pad. Existentialism and 15 losers doing jello shots in a mansion. Maybe not such a good idea, Dish.

The Single Girl's Weekend

I spent the weekend much as I would have 3 years ago -- quietly, no fanfare, me and the kitty, takeout, the gym, mild socializing. It was a little somber, peaceful, but I find more solace in TG's presence. After living with him for 2 years and 9 months, I can no longer sleep alone. I kept the lights on, put a chair against the door, closed the windows and booby-trapped vulnerable places. I can't rely on Dishcat to warn me against intruders. Thanks to TG, Dishcat loves everyone now. Each time I came home, I checked all the closets, under the couch, behind the doors and in the shower. Thank goodness, TG lands in 20 minutes.

Today's movie--The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus: You need to see this one stoned. Dish, sadly, faced this mind-f*ck fest completely sober and only got through 1 hour. I had vowed to see it after Heath Ledger died. Despite Heath, pass.

I read about sisters Joan Fontaine and Olivia De Havilland's lifelong feud and now both women are in their nineties. Dish always preferred Joan. That Melanie in Gone with the Wind was so simpering and goody-goody. Maybe this feud drove both women to succeed. Reality show?

The Tonight Show fired a bunch of people and cut Jay Leno's staff. I thought they had endless funds. Wonder why they need to streamline. (Conan karma!)

I try not to get incensed about stupid people but this upsets me. If only he could know what it's like to go through such violence, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

The Roast of Roseanne

I wasn't a big watcher of Roseanne (it was a little too real for Dish) but I appreciate all the good that Roseanne Barr has contributed to this world. She does have one of the best laughs in existence. Hillary Clinton's boozy bar laugh is a close #2. The celebrity roasts are really really mean, not with light fun-poking, but mean and wounding zingers. I kinda hate them.

Here's the rundown of Roseanne roast's jokes:

Wayne Brady: He's black, potentially gay, talented but no career. Mostly just black--hahahahaha
Carrie Fisher: Druggie, was Princess Leia, now insane. What happened? ahahahahahaha
All the women over 50: Menopause, hahahhahahaha
Seth Green: He's short, hahahahahhhahahaha

But then, there was Jane Lynch. As you know, I can't resist her. She's like that cupcake I see in the window and must have. I read her book, watched all her movies, only tolerate Glee for her (and Darren Criss!!). Jane is the greatest. When I found out she was roastmistress, I had to see. Of course, Jane got the lesbian/vagina jokes.

The main reason to watch was Tom Arnold, Roseanne's ex. If you were conscious in the 90s, you saw the wild chemistry between them, like two firecrackers on an endless 4th of July bender. Tom is hilarious (Exit Wounds!) and I loved them together. Their divorce was a nightmare. So the fact that he would appear on stage with her after 18 years of bad blood gave me goosebumps. He did not disappoint with his light teasing and final acknowledgment of how Roseanne changed his life. Worth it for those few minutes. And Gilbert Gottfried.

Maybe there's hope for all of us to get along.

Just Say No or Maybe Sometimes

Real World and Celebrity Rehab star Joey Kovar, 29, died, presumably to prescription drugs. Poor guy seemed tormented. Maybe drugs have always been an epidemic but the stars seem to be dropping like flies these last few years. It makes me uncomfortable since in my forties, I'm in great health...sort of. I run a lot, have perfect blood pressure, blood sugar, weight, good teeth. My only chronic health issue is that I don't sleep well and I figure that on some nights, I'm allowed to take something to bludgeon my brain for 8 hours. It makes a big difference and I function. This was my last resort after melatonin, Valerian root smoothies, Tylenol PM, Rescue Remedy spray, excessive journaling, many holistic treatments (here take a pellet, that'll be 300$), and just plain staying up all night for nights on end (when you're watching Wings, you're in trouble). On low stress days, I take nothing and fall asleep at my natural 2am. For the merry go-round, my best solution, for now, is running + 400mg of magnesium + bludgeoning capsule + soothing hypnosis tape + face mask. These prescription drug deaths scare me, though. The heart can't take all these medications and we need to relax.

On a related note, I spent the evening catching up on Breaking Bad. I'm so glad I don't do meth. After Ted's addiction on Queer As Folk, I wouldn't touch the stuff. On BB, the only likeable person on there is Walt's son. The rest are trash (though I love them). I realized that in life and TV, people involved with hardcore drugs are mean. Ever notice that? That world would make me mean, too -- thinking you could be killed, dealing with the dregs of society, looking like hell from a crazy night, having to hide everything.

Now I'm going to catch up on my politics!

Al Roker Gets My Attention for More Than His Weight Loss!

Al Roker dissed Matt Lauer on The Today Show with a passive-aggressive zinger (Dish's fave!) about Matt's throwing colleagues under the bus. Genius, Al! Wonder if this Matt-diss was a way to drum up ratings. GMA countered with its own drama with the alleged a-holery of Josh Elliott. This is so much like the Presidential campaign in progress. All drama, no substance.

Apparently Kristen Stewart is pissed she's the fall girl for cheating with her married director. Why doesn't the guy get the blame? Because he's a loser and no one knows who he is. Plus, Kristen has destroyed the fantasies of so many teens and hormonal soccer moms by hurting RPatz. Predict epic turnout for Twilight movie out in November. All drama, no substance.

David Beckham is getting such buzz over his latest underwear ad where he seems to be mid-happyplace. Parents are outraged. (My neighborhood is celebrating in the streets--champagne, everyone!) Dish feels, oh yeah, outraged? Might as well take down every female crotch-boob-butt shot slathered all over the place for hundreds of years. Give the boys their due to be fourteen-feet long and naked. DB's tattoos are kinda grody though.

To the Point

Not to use too many notes:

Kris Humphries is doing an elaborate tap dance with divorce proceedings. His 15 minutes are over. Just play basketball, dude. Let the Ks unveil their new performance piece with Kanye. I predict 71 days of marriage.

As I watched the latest nonsensical episode of RHofNY, I realized Sartre would have loved this freak show. First, he'd try to bang all of them. He'd steal their tranquilizers. And the petri dish housing these women is classic No Exit. Only Carole and Heather seem somewhat normal. Though I loves my LuAnn.

Political Animals. May it last forever.

TG and I were pleasantly surprised by Major Crimes. Mary McDonnell is a brilliant actress -- not the scenery chewer that is Brenda Lee but Mary captivates by stealth. We were glued to the screen and eating up her acting chops. Trying to figure out her Botox intake. Regardless, I just love her since Grand Canyon.

Oh Oh Oh Oh!

That's my homage to Welcome Back Kotter's Ron Palillo aka Horshack who died at age 63 (heart attack, I'm reading). Will the stars just stay alive, please? The wheels on this treadmill are too fast for Dish. With gnashing shark teeth, the year 2012 has devoured so many of my idols. Rest in peace, dear Ron.

As I watched wicked Chris sleep with two women within the course of last night's Bachelor Pad, I realized ew and that my obsession with the show must be inherent misogyny and self-loathing. So why the giddiness? The women on the show (except for Lyndzi and Sarah) are pretty heinous. The men, more affable. There's an obvious disparity between the sexes. So why can't I boycott this candy?

Oh...and if you hadn't noticed: 10 more days until I see Duran Duran again! TG is escorting me to Connecticut, will walk me to the hall but refuses to attend (IMAGINE!).Knowing him, he will inadvertently run into Simon Le Bon and they'll become lifelong friends. THIS IS HOW FATE WORKS. Please, anyone and everyone, if you know them, tell them Dish has waited 30 years for a handshake and a chance to say thank you. Until then, I'll dance and lose my voice screaming. http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/showbiz/2012/08/07/cnn-music-duran-duran.cnn. In this area of life, I will always be 14.

Finally Jennifer Aniston Is No Longer Desperate!!!

Justin Theroux has saved Jen Aniston from a long, path of despair and shriveled ovaries. Brad Pitt dumped her for another woman and Jen's suffered ever since, pulling her flaxen hair into a silky sheen and beating her breasts until they became swollen mounds of bitterness. Gosh, ever since Brad left her, she's been plagued by her gazillions of dollars, making movies and dating high profile men. These last seven years have been UNLIVABLE...until now. Until Justin put a ring on her finger. But seriously, I'm happy for J.A....I mostly want her to choose better projects. Liked her in Derailed and Horrible Bosses.

At least execs are taking the Chad Johnson arrest seriously. He's been cut from the Miami Dolphins and his reality show axed. Now can we focus on more important items? Today I saw a picture of Kim Kardashian in a bikini. Good for her. I sort of like the not-skinny celeb "flaunting her curves*." I did this in Orlando 10 years ago, turning into the state's reddest lobster. Thank Jebus, no one documented my freckled derriere spilling out of my rainbow bikini. Kim's tush adores the camera way more. It's really hard not to look at it, but Dish knows female butts. KK's is so well sculpted that it can't be real. There has to be a combination of lypo and implants somewhere, even though she went to a doctor who verified that her butt was genuinely gigantic.**

I am not well.

Rest in peace, Helen Gurley Brown -- trailblazer extraordinaire who never denied the "girl" in the girl.

*The common term for "fat."
**That said, TG and I are obsessed with the Kardashians, a year after everyone else.

How to Lose a Wife in One Month

Isn't it romantic: I love a good head-butt when I ask my husband of one month about his condom purchase. The actual details are hazy to Dish who's still strepping, but if I were Evelyn Lozada I'd be sprinting out of my mansion. When your spouse draws blood, you get a divorce. The relationship won't get better. No 10-carat diamond is worth an almighty gash on the head. I'll never forget the day a friend came into my room with a face that looked like raw steak. The man she loved had beaten the sh*t out of her, all of a sudden one night. What do you do? Run.

Oy, now that Paul Ryan's the VP choice, my FB friends are going batsh*t posting why he's so bad. Of course, he's bad if you're a Democrat. You don't need to tell me. I won't vote for him but I will admit he's got a brain and that I'm VERY curious about his exercise regime. It's allegedly "punishing" and, as an exercise devotee, I want to know what makes a person rail thin -- aside from anorexia, which never worked for me. I love fit people's secrets.

The Elephant in the Room

Can we admit the obvious? Paul Ryan is handsome as sin and this is problematic for Democrats. Ryan may heart Ayn Rand and support radical reform that will cut many of us off at our knees, but Romney made the perfect choice. Romney by himself is so incredibly boring. Ryan is not boring. He may be a little too polarizing, though Dish feels he will begin an age of young hotties in the Republican party -- which the GOP desperately needs. A couple years ago, I saw him speak and thought, oh f*ck, he's going to be President someday. Mark my scary words, Dishreaders. I was a little surprised he was Mitt's choice, only because PR would gun for the presidency. The VP is erectile dysfunction itself. This campaign just got interesting...unfortunately. (Go Hillary!)

TG and I enjoyed The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo starring our friend Daniel Craig and the interesting Rooney Mara. Or Mara Rooney. It was a mite slow but my strep throat found it leisurely in the best possible way.

WTF, Fareed Zakaria, lifting a paragraph? If this ruins his career, then surely, television can stop enlisting Doris Kearns Goodwin as a beloved commentator on the presidents. Vomitte.

Stars and Streps!

I'd say my illness this past week -- strep and something bronchial -- was #4 worst of all time. Lucky for me, I have TG, who's been an excellent nurse. Here are my top clashes with disease:

1. Stomach flu of 2007. After my three days in the bathroom, ExBF16 thought it appropriate to eat a falafel in my presence. Another three days ensued.

2. Strep of 1993. I was maid of honor at my BFF's wedding and could barely stand. My face went down onto my cake plate. I look great in the pictures, though.

3. Flu of 1994. During the winter olympics, I was so weak I called to reunite with the moronic ExBF5, who was so obsessed with his lesbian landlord he wound up in jail soon after.

4. Strep of 2012. Though TG gifted me with this one, he's been princely about bringing me tea, soup, and coaching me through coughing fits.

5. Flu of 1977. "This fish tastes like cinammon," I said at a large family dinner. Dishmamamama immediately hightailed my ass to bed and brought me liquids at 15 minute intervals. I was too scared to say I felt like sh*t but she spotted my WASP-y repressed agony immediately.

6. Yuletide stomach flu of 1995: Merry freaking Christmas!

Happy Duran Duran Appreciation Day

Today is the official appreciation day for Duran Duran, though Dish feels this should be a daily event. I greet the dawn with Simon's quirky lyrics filling my head "with chopstick." By mid-morning, my sense of Nick Rhodes aesthetic kicks in. I notice architecture, the ripple in my coffee, well-rounded nostrils. At noon, I Tweet my every move to the masses, just like John Taylor. Tea-time is quiet, like Roger Taylor--well, except for my drumming on the coffee table while watching reruns of Sex and the City. By night I prepare again for my New Religion by rocking out like the unofficial but no less precious member of Duran Duran: the indubitable Dominic Brown. To all this, let's say Amen.

So...my mother has a wild crush on heartily enjoyed the star of Jersey Boys, John Lloyd Young, who dazzled us last night. She raved how impressed she was with his sparkling brown eyes vocal range and could we go see the show again? Tee hee. I bet she's obsessively watching Youtube videos of Jersey Boys right this second to enhance her knowledge of music history. Hurray! This means I might see the show again! Dish is beyond barking-batsh*t-obsessed with the music of Jersey Boys. John Lloyd Young was pure magic.

Rumors that smells like bullcrap: 1. Brangelina getting married this weekend in France? I dunno. This smells old to me. 2. That X-Files costars Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny are doing the XXX, which is the fervent wish of diehard fans (and greatest heartbreak of Disholdestfriend).

Patriarch Joe Simpson was busted for DUI. LOL! Frowny face.

Jersey Boys Again!!!

Dish is attending a play with Dishmama and her friends. Sadly, Dish is still streppy but not contagious. I have a voice, albeit a little Babs meets Lauren Bacall. There are concerns that I might cough too loud (valid) or seem too sick, thereby not presenting myself in the best light, so I'm voiding my mucus now and timing my coughs for appropriate intervals. TG is charmed by the whole thing. Marriage is a process of discovery. Just the idea that I'll be listening/seeing Jersey Boys gives me non-fever chills of excitement.

In the news, I guess Kanye feels that Kim is his "perfect bitch" and she's all over that. I'm sorry, people, even with this perfect endearment, my warm cockles aren't believing this romance is anything but a sham. I'd need to see raw sex tape footage.

Dish Has Strep

Jealous?

I've been too busy showing off my new squeaky voice to follow the stars. But I did find a few gems. Country legend Randy Travis was busted for DWI...naked. Living out of the limelight can be crushing. Maybe he could write a country song about the experience. Superskinnygorgeousblondactress Kate Bosworth, who made most people furious with her dating Alex Skarshunk, got engaged to director Michael Polish. Sometimes you just know. Right, Kate? Now get her bony ass out of my sight.

Joan Rivers proved herself a genius workhorse once again by staging a big hissy at Costco because the superstore didn't carry her book. This hissy boosted her book sales. Dishfriend read the book and said it was just too damn mean.

Just now, TG pointed to the screen during a televised celebrity party and said, "There's Icky Marmain!" For two seconds, Dish thought this was a real person. He tortures me.

Rest in Peace, Marvin Hamlisch

Dish's appreciation of Hamlisch was tainted by a family member who thought his tunes sappy and overblown. You can't deny Hamlisch changed the world with his music. My favorite soundtrack of his was The Mirror Has Two Faces A Chorus Line. He made some magic.

In lesser news, Rob Kardashian is going to law school, which is awesome. A Kardashian choosing education over "the scene?" I'm feeling dizzy, though a noxious cold still controls my system. TG's first words to me this morning, "Your cold isn't as bad as mine. I have strep AND a virus." This after I said good morning and no sound came out.

Movie appreciation: Friends with Kids. I'm always reluctant to see a Jennifer Westfeldt flick because of The Voice. Adored Kissing Jessica Stein though her whining got to me. FwK is utterly adorable and so is Westfeldt, mellow yet perky. It's kinda predictable but a sweet escape. She looks different from every other Hollywood actress. She is different -- writes, acts and directs. Who has the energy for that? In this one, you'll find some NYC indie mainstays such as Ed Burns Turlington, Don Draper, Adam Scott and Maya Rudolph. Watch it for a touching, easy breezy beautiful Cover Girl experience.

Making Light of Atrocity

Dish loves un-PC and off-color jokes but it takes skill to make 9/11 or the latest Batman tragedy funny. Comedians push the "funny atrocity" envelope, I think, to get into tabloids and they almost always fail. Most recently, Dane Cook did it and Jeff Ross followed suit in the Roast of Roseanne. Maybe South Park is successful at this. The Book of Mormon is the only instance where I laughed hysterically at child sexual abuse and AIDS. Otherwise, why go there?

Monday's news was light or maybe I am too focused on my cold. TG over-surfed and fell ill in California. I woke up this morning with that raw, scratchy throat. My week is busy with a viewing of Jersey Boys and then...TG and I are filming yet again on Friday. We are soooooooo famous. A cold might be a good thing. If my voice--probably my least attractive trait--is affected, I'll sound like a sexy Kathleen Turner instead of my usual Marge Simpson rasp. We can only hope. Dish will breathe in some mold and drink from TG-tainted glasses.

Please say a loud f*($k for me since my DVR erased the last three episodes of Breaking Bad. Where the hell can I find them? And please get Amanda Bynes a driver since she might have been involved in another hit and run. I have Skyline on speed-dial with their floaty Lincoln Town Cars and mysteriously quiet drivers who always get me to the church on time. Amanda, please listen.

Couples in hell: Rumor has it that J. Lo is about to dump Casper Smart. And, the kinky pair who never seemed to share a distressing moment Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen might be on Couples Therapy to repair their marriage. Smells like a desperate way to get back on TV. I don't blame them. They were fun in the spotlight.

NBC is sucking eggs right now. They fired Jack Osbourne after he announced he had MS and Sharon just quit her show. Matt Lauer swung his mighty hammer at Ann Curry's career with less than happy results. And today, Matt Lauer used the term "Indian Giver" on The Today Show. Oh so glib, Matt. Talk about making light....

Happy Anniversary to Dishbrother and Dishbrothersidekick!

A year ago today, my darling brother and my perfect brother-in-law tied the knot in a gorgeous, touching ceremony. I remember it well: my Anthro dress, me and TG retrieving the balloons, Dishmama with her big Jackie O sunglasses, the musician who also played music at my wedding, the festive and intimate dinner afterwards. Dishmama had freshly arrived from France and was still fighting a nasty bug--but does that stop her from partying and noshing on great food? No, indeed. It was such a happy day. Our family has multiplied exponentially.

Congratulations, you crazy kids!!!

A Quick Sunday Gossip Session Since Political Animals Is On!

Dish has her priorities: Sigourney Weaver, but I'll mention today's highlights:

Ex-porn star Jenna Jameson supports Mitt Romney. Hmmmm. And she drove her car into a telephone pole recently. Coincidence? Oh well, life would be dull if everyone thought the way you did. I'm related to someone in the Tea Party and I love him to pieces.

Kristen Stewart is supposedly bereft over losing Robert Pattinson. Dish can't take this broken romance seriously. They are so young! When I got dumped by the French waiter, I didn't shower for days either. Um. Maybe that's why he dumped me (by not calling but I kept showing up at the bar and he kept taking my money then slept with my friend but I'm not bitter).

People is so right about Matthew Perry, that he shouldn't do comedy anymore. He is positively EXCELLENT on The Good Wife and it's time for him to transition to drama. MP is a talent. I want him to succeed. He will succeed in TV drama and then...when he turns 50, he will shock the world by doing an amazing film. I see it.

Radaronline reports that Brigitte Nielsen got drunk and passed out in an L.A. park. We've all been there, haven't we, Dishreaders? I don't know why this Brigitte downward spiral saddens me, maybe because we share birthday, maybe because I enjoyed her freakish connection to Flavor Flav on The Surreal Life and her European air. She was a great beauty and I hope she picks herself up and moves on.

Natalie Portman is married. I don't care. My Black Swan love for her is over. Over, you hear me? I'm back to being jealous hating her. What does she do that's so great? Everything

I'm also over Olympic medalist Ryan Lochte and his bitchy way of stealing medals from our favorite doobie smoker Michael Phelps. Plus, Lochte's mom basically called her son a man-whore and he himself admitted he liked Blake Lively. I'm really bored. Team Gabby Douglas all the way.

Fifty Shades of L.A. Dish

Grave Sightings!!!!

Oh, the pictures, Dishreaders. Just wait until tomorrow! TG decided to get strep so we've been keeping a low profile.We did visit the cemetery where Marilyn and Farrah are resting. I fired up my Ghost Radar app as we sauntered around the headstones. Right around Marilyn's plaque, there was a "Joe" on the radar. Positively eerie, n'est-ce pas? it made me smile. I love cemeteries, just not at night.

You can hear Dish on the "Notorious" episode of Langdon Nation: . Oh and the part where the host alleges that I went topless to my mom's birthday party, well, that's false. I would never ever do anything so salacious. Langdon pretends to be obsessed with me--my mind, my heart, my body, especially my chest. You can tell by the dots it's just not true. But we did make out once.

Star Sighting--Jeremy Sisto!!!

As friend and hairstylist JJ took his morning constitutional in Central Park, singing to the bunnies, the deer and squirrels and blowing Marlboro smoke up their asses, he saw L&O god Jeremy Sisto (what James Franco should be). He described J.S as "shorter than first thought but CUTE!!!" From JJ, this is a huge compliment because he thinks everyone's rank, except Javier Badem.

Our California vacation is almost at an end. TG has caught the mother of all colds from surfing in the Pacific. I only have one more post to do from this IPad. It's hard to troll for gossip, too.

As sure as Justin Theroux wears skinny jeans, I am disappointed by new celebrity romance. Not more than a couple miles away, Katy Perry allegedly snuggled up to John Mayer, which is a step down even from Russell Brand. Then again, anyone is a step down from Katy. Maybe she should find herself a hot nerd, a la Dan Futterman.

TG and I are watching The End starring and directed by Burt Reynolds, a classic example of why you should avoid directing yourself.

Star Sighting--Zach Braff!!!

2:05 pm, at Sony Pictures Studios around Stage 14: TG and I were waiting to be on Jeopardy because we love that Alex Trebec when this golf cart comes whizzing by and who is hanging out of it via the back seat but Mr Scrubs himself, Zach Braff. He seemed mid-weirdness or mid-prank or maybe it was Braffitudiness, which tends to be hokeylicious. We moved on to Jeopardy, which is run like a well-oiled machine. Alex is quite charming, plays with audience, as does announcer Johnny Gilbert. I realized halfway through that most of my breast was hanging out of my dress, which was embarrassing. Sadly, no one noticed.