Justin Bieber: Making Love Real

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I Have This Strange Feeling I Didn't Post Yet

Oh Hesoos, I didn't!

Tonight I went to see Can Can at the Westchester Broadway Theater. It was quite a pleasant viewing experience because they serve food and you can sprawl across an entire table. In addition, there were enough stalls in the ladies so I wasn't dying after drinking my three bottled waters and coffee. The show is fun, too. Not only did I see my friend do a brilliant job, but my celebrity senses twitched in the middle of the the first act. I smelled something Julia-esque or Julia Adjacent. The guy playing Boris was soooo familiar that I had to shove the program in my face. I am good! Remember the elevator boy in Pretty Woman? The reporter filming himself in the wedding scene in Runaway Bride? His name is Patrick Richwood and he was fantastic on stage. A very nice way to spend an evening.

I'm inching closer to Julia. Can you feel it?

"I'm Crying in My Jello Shots, Y'All!"

Oh, Emily Maynard, what are you doing? Dish used to believe in you and your giant fake teeth! Am I to believe what I'm reading--that your Bachelorette love with Jef Holm is a sham? First you get chosen by Brad Womack and you can't hold him down. Sure, he was a scary rageaholic bar-owner, but you could have had everlasting bliss in Texas, dammit!!! Now Dish is totally writing you off, Engagedthreetimes Maynard. I don't care how darling you are or that Dolly blessed your search for love. I'm going to believe the whispers that you really want $$$ and your own reality show! Arie Shiny-face dodged a bullet!

Just caught the first episode of Scandal and I might never watch it again. It's all about Kerry Washington yelling out orders and giving speeches. Yawn. Bring on the hunkalicious presidential debates!!!

Facebook crisis: I have this Friend, we'll call her Madame X, and I check her profile every few days. Sometimes I comment, though not usually because I already feel like a stalker. We're not really friends, but our paths crossed for a few years and I worship her. She does things I wouldn't dare venture. Every update makes me giddy and when she "likes" my status, it's like having Julia Roberts notice you're alive. So, after my FB fast, I checked to see if she posted anything new and SHE WAS GONE. I wondered if maybe she caught on to my mild stalking because it's all about me. I checked mutual friends lists and she was gone there. Since I've seen so many episodes of Snapped, Deadly Women and Dateline, I frantically checked the web to see if something bad happened. Nothing. I hope she just decided to unplug from the world for a while because that's something I want to do, too, but can't venture right now. Best wishes, Madame X, wherever you are.

Just Call Me Algernon!!!

My fast couldn't last forever, right? For 72 hours, Dish was coherent, going back to her brainiac and 50s housewife ways with ironing, reading heady literature and grooving on the To Do list. I blame Sylvester Stallone!

Okay, Dr. Phils, it's my own fault. I rented Daylight so that I could investigate Sacha Stallone's acting. He's better than his dad, but the whole movie sucks serious ass. Of course, struggling writer Amy Brenneman is going to live in a grungy New York apartment with cockroaches. Of course, because she's poor, she's going to have long frizzy hair and wear floral dresses. Of course, she keeps getting rejection letters just as thugs hang out near her door, looking for a chance to B&E because she's a victim and secretly pretty. Thank goodness she has 5 locks on that door (but no bars on the windows). Hmmmm, as she drives toward the Lincoln Tunnel, ya think she's going to encounter adventure? 

Then I went to a reading of my high school friend's fantastic book in the West Village. I even wore heels, a rarity since I like to be able to run away fast. I'm reading Pema Chodron and she encourages you to run toward the hairy dragon instead of away. A flock of us girls gabbed the night away--someone mentioned someone seeing Uma Thuman's actual breasts and we agreed they are magnificent--and reminisced about crazy days of yore.

After this, I had nowhere to do but down so I checked my TMZ, then my Facebook. Just once or twice. Holy bananas, Andy Williams passed away, then Johnny Lewis killed his landlady and then fell to his death. Two celebrities expire in 24 hours? The rate of death is speeding up, you wily Mayans. Now I *really* have to watch Sons of Anarchy in earnest before time itself stops.

Oh, and KD Lang is back on the market (I have a girl crush on her voice) and US Weekly is claiming that all is not well in the Jef Holm/Emily Maynard union. How is that possible?

I'll try to be good for the rest of the night, but FB narcissism persists. Someone posted a pic of last night's festivities and I have to see all the comments, tabulate them, giggle over the attention, and then fantasize about superstardom.

Facebook Fast: Day Two

The clouds in my head lift a little more today. I take all my vitamins, even though I think they're bullshit. Instead of losing myself in Angry Birds, I stare into the subway car window, wondering why Mitt Romney's got a fake tan. Does he not see he forgot the eyes? Is Mitt that in love with Snooki? Did he wear a Speedo and where are the pictures? Oh wait, no pics please.

I'm obsessed with politics now. Luckily, TG wanted to watch Piers again tonight. With Ahmadinejad (you're so impressed I can still spell his name 24 hours later), Piers acted like a snooty Brit--asking allegedly probing questions but really, predictable and often disrespectful. I don't care if you're interviewing the Tasmanian Devil, you are respectful. With Bill Clinton, Piers practically gives him penis washes. In therapy, instead of discussing my ennui--because that's all it ever is--we dish on Ahmadinejad, how he likes to be provocative--starts out with nice-nice-peace-peace before unleashing the crazy. It reminds me of post-partum Britney. I'm sure Therapist made the same connection.

Speaking of celebs, TG has just discovered Gangnam Style. Our worlds have changed. Learning the dance is so much better than tracking the latest divorce between Plastic Face and Douchebag. Psy and TG are like-minded. My husband will master this dance. The key is catching it on my iPad.


More proof that Facebook fasting improves your life: I've accepted spontaneous invitations for this week. I know! Dish is never spontaneous. My outings are well planned with potential roadblocks sanitized and processed. Basically, it takes a village. Once I'm at the village, I'm great. Getting there is my hell and that of everyone around me. So, tomorrow night, yeah, I'm doing something. And I might not back out at the last minute! This weekend was free...until today when I thought, sure, what the hell, I'll get into a crowded car, travel, interact with others and do something that will support someone else. WTF?

No Facebook/Tabloids = Shocking Productivity

I wondered where the hell my brain went these last few years. Why was I not getting anything done? It's all Facebook and TMZ's fault. I adore them both to pieces, but I need a break. There is too much information.

So yesterday, on my Yom Kippuresque fast, I did laundry, read a few projects, made the bed, edited some grueling pages, answered many emails, listened to an inspiring self-hypnosis tape, bought new sponges, started a Pema Chodron book, ordered yarn, and basically kicked some ass.

Will repeat this today.

I also filled my mind with intellectual things: like I looked up "Coptic Christian" so that I could be up to date on the latest international crisis. I also learned a lot about Gonorrhea (esp. how to spell it) and that there's a new superbug strain that is resistant to drugs. Thanks, The New Yorker! Did you know Gonorrhea was given such an awesome-sounding name because the pus discharged was mistaken to be semen? Literally, it's "seed flow." I bet those scientists are embarrassed!

TG and I watched Piers Morgan's interview with Ahmadinejad. For the first forty-five minutes, the little king seemed reasonable with love/peace to everyone, let's not get into each other's butts when there's a conflict, sure a single woman can ski in Iran, blah di blah. Around 9:45, the crazy came out, i.e. questioning the holocaust, gays are bad, etc...It's sad this little pocket ruler with the sparkling eyes spews such weirdness (and sugar-coated hate).

My one brush with the stars was reading that Katie Couric was bulimic in college. I don't get making yourself barf. Anorexia seems so much easier. I was anorexic for a week when I was 15, living on 500 calories and running 5 miles a day. I then discovered all the ingredients for a delicious Dagwood sandwich in my mother's fridge. I've had periods where I'm so stressed I can't eat and always feel sick. I'm sure it's something close to anorexia. Food intake is the only thing I can control. My cure is usually delicious ice cream and chocolate.

Dish is going on a FB and news diet!

I know, I know. This happens a couple times a year and it never lasts long. I get so frustrated by my hours in front of a screen, looking at nonsense ("...but nonsense it all is."--name that quote). I keep refreshing my screen and it's awful. I can't hold a thought in my head and nothing gets done.

My last star thing is that the Emmys were incredibly boring last night and Sofia Vergara was robbed. Jimmie Kimmel was a terrible host. I like his talk show, think he's funny but you need an upbeat and sparkly host--like Ellen, Hugh Jackman, Billy Crystal. On a better note, most of what I picked WON!

This is a shameless plug for Homeland. It really is the best show on TV, debuting on Sunday. I'd even say it's better than Breaking Bad, which is perched over the great white but not quite over it. I was elated to see Aaron Paul win and plant a giant smooch on Guancarlo Esposito, one of the greatest actors alive. There's Dexter also coming though it definitely jumped the shark during the Julia Stiles season. Maybe this one will be better. Who was the chick with Dexter in the audience? I thought he was back together with Jennifer Carpenter. Ugh. See what I mean?

Once I'm done with my TV diet, I'm going to pick up my Sons of Anarchy obsession.

Star Sighting--John Larroquette!!!

4:32pm on the Uptown 1 train, wearing a white t-shirt and sunglasses, spotted by Dishbrother. "He looked like a schlump yet somehow put together." We categorized Larroquette as one of those guys, like Bill Maher: kinda gross yet perversely sexy, as in we can't tear our eyes from them. Night Court rules!

Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong is in rehab after losing his marbles at a concert. Dish wonders...which substance did him in? Was he acting like an American Idiot?

Look both ways before crossing: Amanda Bynes is now in NYC--as is Lindsay Lohan. I don't feel safe. Will carry my treasured copies of  What a Girl Wants and The Parent Trap to indicate my fandom. Would never ever film either girl running over my foot.

Because I'm me: Yes, I'm taking a vacation to go to John Taylor's NYC book signing for: In the Pleasure Groove: Life, Death and Duran Duran. Here's a question: What time do I arrive at the event? Ideally, an hour before it starts, but have feeling it will be mobbed. Even so, I can't be bothered with camping out. I've read that some are going to do this. I love John Taylor. I love myself more. What would you do, dear reader?

Dish's Emmy Picks!

COMEDY SERIES

Want: "Girls" (HBO)
Will: "Modern Family" (ABC)

COMEDY ACTOR

Want/Will: Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy in "30 Rock"

COMEDY ACTRESS

Want: Edie Falco as Jackie Peyton in "Nurse Jackie"
Will: Zooey Deschanel as Jess Day in "New Girl"

SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTOR

Want: Eric Stonestreet as Cameron Tucker in "Modern Family"
Will: Ty Burrell as Phil Dunphy in "Modern Family"
 
SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTRESS

Want/SHOULD: Sofia Vergara as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett in "Modern Family"

DRAMA SERIES

Want/Should/Will: "Homeland" (Showtime)

DRAMA ACTRESS

Want/Will: Claire Danes as Carrie Mathison in "Homeland"

DRAMA ACTOR

Want: Bryan Cranston as Walter White in "Breaking Bad"; Damian Lewis as Nicholas Brody in "Homeland"
Will: Damian Lewis as Nicholas Brody in "Homeland"

SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTRESS

Want/Will: Maggie Smith as Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham in "Downton Abbey"

 SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTOR

Want: Giancarlo Esposito as Gustavo 'Gus' Fring in "Breaking Bad"
Will: Jared Harris as Lane Pryce "Mad Men"

MINISERIES OR TV MOVIE

Want/Will: "American Horror Story" (FX)

LEAD ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Want/Will: Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin in "Game Change"

LEAD ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Want/Will: Idris Elba as John Luther in "Luther"

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Want/Will: Sarah Paulson as Nicolle Wallace "Game Change"

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Want: Don't care
Will: Ed Harris as John McCain in "Game Change"

VARIETY SERIES

Want: "The Colbert Report" (Comedy Central) or "Real Time With Bill Maher" (HBO)
Will: "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central) or "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (NBC)

REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM

Want: "Top Chef", "The Amazing Race" (for Hershey)
Will: "The Amazing Race" (CBS)

 HOST FOR A REALITY OR REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM

Want/Will: Phil Keoghan, "The Amazing Race"

DIRECTING FOR A COMEDY SERIES

Want: Jason Winer, "Modern Family"; Steven Levitan, "Modern Family"
Could: Lena Dunham, "Girls"
 
 WRITING FOR A COMEDY SERIES

Want: Lena Dunham, "Girls"
Will: Louis C.K., "Louie"

Would Love a Rat to Cook Our Meals!

TG and I watched Ratatouille and positively salivated. Every night I agonize over dinner, which is why I order take out a lot of the time. For some reason, I've come to love cooking shows on the Food network. I only wish I had the motivation to go to a store and buy ingredients. Plus, our kitchen is minuscule...and TG is the real cook. My role is to clean up cat puke and iron shirts.

I realized today that my brain is positively scary. I should be paid for my trivia mentality alone. This morning, I watched thirty seconds of W.E. and remarked in one split second, "Oh, that's Liberty Ross." Who is Liberty Ross? The scorned wife of Rupert Sanders who had the fling with Kristin Stewart. Such a peripheral figure and I RECOGNIZED HER IN ONE FLASH. It's official: I know everything.

As for W.E., it is a gorgeous movie, just what I was in the mood for. But...it lacks real spark. From the first few minutes, you know what's going to happen. The acting is okay. You can't take the Madonna out of the Madonna movie but this one's better than some previous film things she's been involved in. I like her behind the camera rather than in front of it. You can tell she put her blood, sweat and tears into this. Still...if I can be ruthless, I think it needed a couple big names, a sparkier script and about 20 minutes shaved off--hard to do when you do the back and forthy time thing in time. The present day story hooked me more than the Wallis/Edward (Edward was especially good!). The men in the movie are weak compared to the powerhouse women, even if they are subservient to Love. Despite its flaws, I kinda liked it, good for a leisurely afternoon.

I'm not sure what kind of mind f*ck I was under to order Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple. I remember where I was when I heard about Jim Jones and the slaughtering of 900+ people. It didn't register when I was 10 so with all the Scientology and big guns religion in this country, I wanted to learn more about this "movement." Apparently, Jim Jones's mental state started to unravel toward the end. Maybe it was menopause? Sometimes I can't remember what I did yesterday or I stare at a scene and think, "What fresh hell is this? How did I get here?" Will boost my omega 3-g fats. Oh, yeah, Jim Jones. See what I'm talking about? So I definitely recommend this documentary and learned so much. I tried to put into context with 9/11, which I can barely digest. This is also a public kind of execution en masse, which I can't even articulate. Also sad that a cool name like Jim Jones can't really be used without a tinge of a tragedy...or a whole lotta tinges. Not funny. I was leveled by the awfulness and feeling an abundance of sadness for what the survivors endure even now.

Lady Gaga Gains Weight, World Falls Apart: Coincidence?

It was a stinker of a week but for one shimmering moment, I had the pleasure of seeing recent pictures of Lady GaGa, who apparently has packed on a few pounds. Oh, Lady, I'm so with you! I didn't Google out of schadenfreude since I wouldn't schaden a Gaga with talent. No, I did it because I need permission to let myself go. If Lady GaGa can do it, then by Jebus, I will eat the coconut donut I saved for TG. I will take the day off from working out because I'm freaking tired. Gaga doesn't look the least bit miserable and neither does Aguilera. Let's all get fat. I mean, the ones who spent so much time starving themselves for The Business. It's time to eat. The rest of you, go back to your broccoli and salmon and treadmill. Dr. Oz says that eating right will help the economy. He had a long explanation but I won't go into it.

Dish snuck in The Romantics, a 2010 indie flick starring a host of good-looking stars such as Katie Holmes, Josh Duhamel, Anna Paquin, Malin Akerman and Elijah Wood. As I watched the semi-cliche, I realized that Katie really can act. She has some authentic moments in the film, which made me appraise her repertoire (I'm sure you have too). The public automatically labeled her as mediocre because she married you-know-who but we haven't given her a fair shake. For now, sure, admire her tallness and perfect face, then put your silver medal on this cookie. The gold will come. (Though, she was blah in Batman Begins)

Here's why I love Sarah Silverman.

I Worry About Harvey Levin Most of All

And we think Ryan Seacrest is the hardest working man in show business. I'm sorry, it's Harvey Levin. Ryan just reads from cue cards, right? Harvey is a lawyer and he's also on a million shows. I watched him on The People's Court today and his eyes were at half mast. Reminded me of Kate Moss.

Headliners from 15 years ago are BACK! Monica Lewinsky and Kato Kaelin suspiciously wound up in the news around the same time. Coincidence? I think not! Hasbeens are appearing like those holes in a pot where water comes out and you have to plug them up by giving them a reality show or a book deal. Dish is a Monica fan just because if you blow the President then have no life for over a decade and everything goes to hell while he's revered and admired once again, well, that sucks. I want her to make tons of dough. I'll buy her book. Oh, and Kato said OJ did it or maybe he didn't. Whatever, he's in the news again, and this gives me gas.

Paris Hilton said something about gay men being disgusting and having AIDS. It was an outrageous thing to say but sounds like a bad joke and she was recorded.

So more about me:
Food: chicken, egg, Gatorade, 2 minuscule chocolate squares, two bites of grilled cheese before TG comandeered it.  
Run: 3 miles, sweating everywhere. Arm weights.  
Mood: Okay. Watching Bride Wars because I can't get enough of Kate Hudson.  
Aches and Pains: Back pain, gas from reading about Kato on TMZ
Today's Fave Celebrity: Uncle Willy from Restaurant Stakeout. TG and I are obsessed!!!

Cable Is Easier to Get in Outer Space!!!

So Star Trek god Sir Patrick Stewart tried to get his Time Warner Cable hooked up but got no service, lackadaisical response and outage-ness (like his belly button?). PS got so pissed he took to Twitter, then got instant response because he's a star. Dishmama got the runaround from TWC for MONTHS so she switched to Fios. And so did we.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for leaving scene of accident. Her victim seems to be a scheister so she might be right this time about being set up.

Our favorite trampire Kristen Stewart might be back together with Robert Pattinson, just in time for the latest Twilight movie premiere. I stopped at the Dakota Fanning one. I have no emotional investment in this story.

Shakira's hips don't lie. She's preggo! Thank goodness. We've been waiting forever for her to get knocked up.

Blog readership seems to be down so I'll just talk about me, if no one's reading: I'm middle-aged, barren, my manicure just chipped and I have arthritis!!! (I can live with this)

I Think Uranus Delivered Its Load This Week

So yeah, the Mitt Romney thing has stuck. Everyone is talking about it. Now we just stand back and see if he's truly sunk or if Obama will do something worse. Is Mitt like Teflon? Will his nasty words change the minds of voters? Dish tends to think people know their candidate and the vote doesn't change. Though...I wasn't going to vote in 2008. I'm not sure what changed my mind, maybe that I overcame my irritation over the starry-eyed Obama devotees who left Hillary in the dust. I still am bitter about that, but the election isn't about me. I definitely voted in an election that mattered, even though my vote didn't really matter. It didn't make me feel amazing. I was just being a citizen. This year, it's much clearer to me.

I'm not sure I like seeing Jennifer Aniston pregnant. It's a disturbance in the force! But I enjoy her humor. Am I being un-PC to prefer her un-pregnant?

Alexis, by far the most fun one to hate, is leaving The Real Housewives of Orange County. Rumor has it that she got kicked off, but I don't see how the network could do that. She's too fun to watch. Was it the weird husband? I'll never buy that she wants to live life away from cameras.

I love Kate Middleton's reaction to the titty photos: smile and dance. Really, who gives a flying scone slathered in clotted cream? There's not much you can do except stay covered forever. That means you, Prince Philips. Please avoid all future wang shots.

The rags can't help playing up the American Idol feuding between Mariah and Nicki. So pathetic. Why does it have to be the divas? Why can't they talk about tension between Randy and Keith. I don't believe a word. We see through your paltry ways, AI machine.

Tori Spelling had emergency surgery after complications with her recent C section. My uterus is yowling in pain. Get well soon, Tori!

Special healing prayers for Robin Roberts as she goes for her bone marrow transplant on Thursday. You can keep up with her on this blog. Go Robin!!!

Is That Romney Gaffe as Bad as It Sounds?

Dish is a little tired of biased reporting but the news on Huffpo is that Romney dissed 47% of Americans, said if he were Hispanic he'd win, among other strange weirdness. CNN and Fox News haven't latched onto this mouth-diarrhea. I have high hopes for Jon Stewart and Colbert.

Otherwise I'm so intensely bored by the lack of star excitement (Kourtney Kardashian pulled her daughter out of her own vajajay) that I went to straight to reading Patti LuPone's autobiography. It's a little zzzzz at first but I got hooked right in at around 50 pages. Now I can't wait to finish. She is incredible in every way! All other life is on hold. I've heard she's a total bitch but you know what? She works like a dog and lights up a stage/screen. Totally in love with her, Dishbrother met her during her Evita run and was crushed by her aloofness. Now I get where it comes from. I'm inspired to work harder in my own life. Thanks, Patti! Did you know she had a long relaysh with Kevin Kline? I'm only halfway through and I have so much dirt already!!!

Much ado about Amanda Bynes who keeps driving even though she shouldn't. She's talking to inanimate objects (nothing wrong with that) toking and driving and drinking and making a menace of herself. This is what happens when you're out of the spotlight.

I tried to watch Dr. Phil's interview with Dina Lohan but TG walked in. I immediately hid the screen. So far, though, I have to side with Dina. Not a great mother, for sure. Sh*t-faced for the interview, I don't think so. It's obvious that she's been physically abused--and really badly. She tended to cower like a wounded animal. No doubt, she deals with some kind of anxiety disorder (I would, too) and festering terror. To go on Dr. Phil willingly, she must have wanted the spotlight but when it was on her, she withered under the scrutiny. I didn't see drunkenness so much as high anxiety. Maybe she took a couple Xanax before, but that didn't seem to help.

My secret hero Shaun White, the Flying Tomato, was arrested for public intoxication and doing harm to himself. He got wasted, trashed a hotel room, fell and busted his head open. I bet it was over a girl. We gingies always have an especially hard time with love. People think we're aliens.

How Long Do You Give Mariah Before She Has a Hissy?

American Idol has a new star-studded judging roster. Will it save the show? After listening to J.Lo butcher the English language in her recent interview on Katie, I'm ready for a literate panel. And yet, with Christina's expanding body mass, Adam's whorishness, Simon's awesomeness, Britney's unpredictable brain chemistry and our song-contest fatigue, The Voice and X Factor will rule ratings. Come January, we might be more into Mad Men and less the damn competitions. Despite this, Dish enjoys Keith Urban because he was nice enough to marry Nicole. Mariah might spoil that pleasure with her butterfly bullshit ways. TG and I only watch the beginning auditions where everyone is bad. Hoping, praying there will be passive aggressive zingers between Mariah and Nicki.

Last night, Jay Pharoah premiered his Obama on SNL. Not bad, Jay! In fact, SNL sucked less than usual, thanks to Seth MacFarlane and this new cast. The show lost its heavy hitters, but I'm not so sure they weren't just dead wood. Let's hope the real stars shine (though it still needs stronger writing and less political correctness). Dish has a total professional crush on Seth. I'm not sure how he does it. He's completely brilliant. Possibly a psychopath.

Rising Above the Shaky Camera in End of Watch

Ever since Blair Witch and Traffic, Dish has hated the oh-so artistic shaky camera and whiplash editing styles of today's filmmakers. I understand you have to show Stress, Desperation and a Sense of Urgency, but can't you do that without turning my stomach?

It was with great trepidation that Dish went to last night's Director's Guild showing of Jake Gyllencute's End of Watch. I did it for Jake and Michael Pena, both of whose work I've enjoyed over many years. After about 20 minutes, I got used to the shaky camera even though it still pissed me off. This flick is a delight and one of the few cop/buddy movies that seemed realistic, without the usual law enforcement baloney. Gyllenhaal and Pena are credible as cops who deal with enormous stress and boredom on a daily basis. I highly recommend. Really hope this gets some Oscar attention since it's well deserved for both actors.

Jake and Michael (I can first name them) came out afterwards for a Q&A session. I was stunned at how articulate they both were, as if they each had college degrees and read actual books. In fact, they were mega-nerds. Such wits, the boys were so obviously into their "craft." Some superficiliaties: Jake is not a super-stud in person, not so tall either. He has a nasty beard and seems very mountain-man-ish or still recovering from 90s grunge. Dishbrother and I ditched our Jake-napping plans immediately. After the Q&A sesh, we walked out, slowing down so that we could catch up with Jake-i-poo. Wearing the usual star-baseball-cap, he walked unnoticed with some friends, then whipped out a cigarette. We shadowed him for about a block, then realized we were too old/not losers to keep following him.

In other news, as the Middle East freaks out over that silly film (which I'm surprised anyone takes seriously because it's so stupid), Europe keeps sucking on the teet of exploitation with topless pics of Kate Middleton. Mitt Romney is trying to be hip by saying he likes Snooki. Please, don't insult us. She is so three years ago.

In This Time of Crisis...

...a French magazine has nothing better to do than publish photos of Kate Middleton topless, thereby spoiling our visions of her in sleek solid dresses and skyscraper heels. Now all we see are her tatas. Celebrity breasts are invading the world!

I'm going to escape Mammary Cove with a Director's Guild viewing of End of Watch, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, who will appear in person for a Q&A session. It goes without saying that Dish and Dishbrother's gorgeosity will make it hard for Jakeipoo to concentrate. But we're married, therefore, off limits. And yet, I wouldn't mind a peck on the cheek because those are the lips that kissed Heath Ledger, one of my favorite actors ever. Jake is no slouch either. Maybe if Maggie shows, we could go out on a double sibling date.

On this double sibling date, I'd ask all kinds of questions. Like how Maggie felt taking over for Katie Holmes in the Batman movies. Did Jake like dating Reese or was she a total bitch? No, she was probably awesome. Why wouldn't she be? What was with the homoerotic workout fests with Jake, McConaughey and Lance? And is Peter Skarsgard (or whatever), Maggie's husband, still running in barefoot sneakers or did he give them up as Dish did? I think I'd have more in common with Maggie though it's not as if this is Duran Duran.

I'm sure I'll still need a Snickers to relax.

Why Is Everyone Being an A-Hole Today?

Is it just me? Rushers rushed down the stairs as if I weren't there. I seemed to say the wrong thing and with my scratchy voice, it never sounds good. Cellphoneaholics blocked my path to and from my destination. The treadmill didn't want me. And mostly, I've encountered snappish humans who've made me snappish. Screw you all!

Now that that's out of the way.

Maybe I'm upset because I am resisting Glee. I don't want to get hooked into another season yet the guilt might make me cave. Then again, if I turn on the TV, it might interrupt someone's more important work. All I do is flit and flutter about.

Alison Pill must be drunk, desperate and off meds since she accidentally tweeted her tatas to the world. There are no accidents and she caught us yawning. I liked her in Milk and In Treatment but I've lost all respect for anything she's done. Who's next, Susan Sarandon? Actually, that would be okay. She has great jugs!

I'll have to watch this mess on Dr. Phil. And you think I'm slurring and out of it. Cannot wait to see Dr. Phil therapize the one who bore a culture killer.

Sally Struthers busted DUI.

Some scoop from Katie's new show and the episode with J.Lo. Allegedly, J.Lo was gorgeous and friendly with fans. But Katie was on edge and didn't seem to jibe with J.Lo, like something was "off." Maybe J.Lo demanded too much, i.e. Vitamin Water, monogrammed M&Ms and peppermint flavored laxatives, in her dressing room. Dish is applying for free tickets IMMEDIATELY.

Since I heard Daniel Day Lewis was playing Lincoln, I was itching for a trailer. Sadly, the vomitatious Spielberg music and self-righteous over-acting might make me skip this in favor of The Master.

Star Sighting: Mark Ruffalo!!!

7:52 am crossing 94th and Amsterdam, Mark with his family, seen by Dishbrother who was surprised at how hunkalicious Mark is. He's one of those stars whose gorgeousness sneaks up on you when you're not noticing. Great actor, annoying Ray Romano voice, which puts Dish off. But we approve this sighting.

Dish is in a hurry so quickly:

The sociopath won Bachelor Pad. Utter brilliance. I'm sure dead bodies will appear since the winner showed some unraveling.

True Blood twins have arrived! Ouch.

Kris Jenner and NBC ruined the moment of silence for 9/11. Showing us what's really important.

Watched Katie. Couric is a delight, perfect as a host, but totally overtanned.

Tried to watch War Horse but I'm not into horses and gag reflex started working over Spielberg's swelling music and sweeping landscapes. I don't need my heartstrings to be pulled!!! Give me a rubber shark any day.

Dish is seeing ZZ Top AGAIN TONIGHT!!!

Too Far Away

I spend so much time near Ground Zero that I take for granted the police presence, the tourists, especially this time of year. Just in time, the weather turned yesterday -- from disgustingly humid to that hint of fall, just like 11 years ago. This morning, when I took the subway, the cars were nearly empty. Don't people work? I thought. Vacations are over. Then the date hit me. This year it passed me by since two friends lost their parents just today, of all days, so I mostly wondered what that must be like. I can't even imagine that heartbreak. I try to but I don't know how I would live without my mother. 11 years ago, I couldn't grasp what I saw from 50 blocks away.

To ease this memory of mourning, I sought a quick fix: a manicure and a piece of chocolate. I'm still thinking about my friends' grief and how others must still be heartbroken.

DSK in Love Encore! C'est La Vie en Rose!!!

Ah oui, l'amour fait le heart tres big, along with autres geezer body parts. Dominique Strauss-Kahn donne son generosite and doting amour a une TRES lucky femme in her forties. Elle est une perky news personne en France. Tu peux imaginer, les long promenades down le Champs Elysees, le suggestive licking de la ice cream, le picking at escargots slathered en beurre et garlique, les holding hands, le grand smooch francais sous le Eiffel Tower, les whips et chaines dans le seedy mais expensive hotel, les welts et bruises apres un bout orgasmique. Ca, c'est la passion et DSK sait comment to deliver. Quel attractif, sexy devil!

Stealing Mom's Clothes: Inappropriate or Awesome?

So, in the latest Keeping Up with the Kardashians, little Kylie and Kendall steal from their mom's closet. Kris gets all parenty about it and institutes a "library" system with the teens taking her duds. I'm sorry but stealing from your mom's closet is not only a pleasure, it's a daughter's RIGHT. Dish has been doing it since she was able to walk.

Say a prayer for Robin Roberts who has her bone marrow transplant this week. Transplants are no joke. They are make or break time. RR is such a delight and we need her back on the air, STAT.

I was sleepless in Seattle again, waking up at 4:59 am. I decided to read my Vanity Fair. All I can say is Holy Hannibal, Tom Cruise and Scientology are just so bananas, I felt like I was reading a movie script or The Handmaiden's Tale. The Master is coming out soon and already the Weinsteins are being harassed by the "church." Go out and get this issue immediately. Also in there is the article by Michael Lewis about Obama.

Has anyone seen Katie Couric's new talk show? I love her, can't wait to see it. On my DVR. Am distracted by TG's entry, introducing a box of wine into our house. All I can think is Kathy Griffin. TIP IT!

By now the news has fully hit that Blake and Ryan are married. What do Scarlett and Leo think??? It's only been 2 years since Ryan and Scarjo divorced. Is this true love?

Did Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds Tie the Knot for Reals?

People just reported this and I'm a little stunned. You have to feel really bad for Blake. First, she has a boy's name. Her luscious locks and long legs help us forget her potentially hidden man parts. But her life keeps getting worse and worse. First, she gets a bland yet starring juicy role on Gossip Girl. Then she dates hunkalicious Penn Badgely (sp?) for years. After they grow out of each other, she rebounds with Leonardo DiCaprio, which is such a trade up. She could have gotten Oscar roles! But no, he just had to move on to another blond. Blake then cries into her beer with funny/hunky/decent actor Ryan Reynolds, who seems way more user friendly and less in love with Scorcese than Leo. I approve this message.

Congrats, you crazy kids! May your children be blond with 6-pack abs.

(I'm not sure I believe this actually happened)

Homeland -- It's an Addiction

Dish made a big mistake. Everyone's been soooooooo into Homeland this year. I avoided it since Claire Danes is that irritating, perfect bodied, sort of pretty girl who never has an ounce of difficulty in life. But...I can't help watching everything she's in. She's usually so good, right? Oh god, so I took a break between bouts of work and downloaded Homeland Season 1. The second Claire goes all spazzy over terrorists, I'm hooked! What's more, she's another screwed up, pill-popping heroine and you know Dish loves those! Readers, I'm almost done with the first season and it's only been 24 hours. The nail on my coffin is the Gingie alleged terrorist. Finally we redheads are getting more starring roles. I can't even begin to digest my feelings about seeing Mandy Patinkin again on screen. I'm verklempt!

Other than this, there's been a huge rumor that Morgan Freeman is dead. We know how I feel about that. It's more Morgan Freeman propaganda so that he can be that kindly King of the Universe. Well, let me tell you: It's not all about you, Morgan Freeman!!! (I hope you're alive)

DNC: Day 3

Last Recap of the DNC. Dish got a lot of ironing done. Only this could make me miss the VMAs.

Here goes:

The actresses: Kerry and Scarlett were good, but Eva Longoria is an AMAZING speaker. Who knew how smart she was? Well, Dish did because she watched her on The Conversation with Amanda De Cadenet. A voracious reader, Eva is positively brilliant.
Caroline Kennedy: I am always happy to see her since she is the last one standing practically.
Gabby Giffords: Her pledge of allegiance brought on the Dish waterworks.
Brian Schweitzer: Seems crazy as sh*t but his looniness makes me want to move to Montana.
John Kerry: Must have had Botox because the lines on his face are gone. Gave a fabulous speech. Love these cranky old men.
Joe Biden: Went on forever, but that's okay because...
Obama was *really* good. And I'm a little tired of his speeches. I watched it last night and thought, hmmm, that was fine. Watched it again today and appreciated it much more. Nicely done.

In other news: Lance was banned from the Chicago marathon. No comment! Who is this Honey Boo Boo sweeping the nation with her horrendously unsightly family? I won't even venture a watch because it makes me bleed from the eyes. I'll take the trashy Kardashians any day of the week.

My Favorite News Story of the Day!

I shouldn't laugh about this, but I am anyway! Tom Brokaw accidentally took Ambien this morning before going on the air. He complained of being light-headed and was rushed to the hospital afterwards before the truth was revealed. I know this probably was scary (but did you eat from the craft table, flash your t*ts and tell hilarious stories about your childhood, Tom?).

If you've missed Brian Kinney Gale Harold, here he is jumping on the It Gets Better train. I kind of hate him for being so literary, she says as she reads Andre Schiffrin's A Political Education. What are you trying to do, Gale--educate us???

Hurray and Boo:

Camille Grammer gets 30 Mil in her divorce. Hurray!
Drew Peterson found guilty of murdering his third wife. Hurray!
Will Arnett and Amy Poehler separating after 9 years. Boo! Did you know he was once married to Penelope Ann Miller? Interesting!

DNC Recap: Day 2

Dish is trying to be a little objective but it's so difficult. Am I right in concluding that the speakers for the DNC are just better? Sure, their message is better to Dish, but I fell in love with Reagan back in the late 70s/80s and he totally screwed us. Anyway, here's what you missed:

Nancy Pelosi: A little blah, but she stated the facts.
Sister Simone Campbell from Nuns on a Bus: (with a smile) Paul Ryan sucks ass.
The Bain people: Romney just wants the $$$.
Sandra Fluke: Duh, 2+2=4. Romney: Evil; Obama: Good -- using way bigger words. Short and sweet. She's powerful!
Elizabeth Warren: I have this Republican male friend who gets borderline violent about Warren. He goes after her with this venom I don't understand. Because she's not a canned politician, thereby easy to rip apart. And she's female.
Bill Clinton: 48 minutes of awesomeness (a little long). He explained complicated ideas in simple terms--is probably the first to tell the truth about aspects of the candidates' platforms. Did not mind the length. I did mind that he foamed at the mouth on the right side. Since the heart surgeries, losing weight, going vegan, he's become an angry bitch--and I love it!

Democratic Convention: Day 1

So far, bias aside, the DRC has better speakers and is diverse almost to the breaking point. Here's my recap.

Tammy Duckworth: I've been through a lot of sh*t. Vote Obama. (What a heroine!)
Deval Patrick: Screw Romney. I won't go on about how awesome I am. You can tell by my gift of gab. The first rousing speech where people couldn't stop screaming with pleasure.
Lilly Ledbetter: LOVE HER!!!
Sandra Fluke being questioned by CNN: If this is what the future looks like, I feel better. Very articulate young woman. Not a single "like" and "you know."
Julian Castro: Adorable, earnest, not quite as polished with speechifying but he'll get there.
Michelle Obama: She always gives good speech. Loved her dress (wanted to fix hair). Down to earth. Would enjoy throwing back a few beers with her and talk smack about stars.

My favorite of the night: Deval Patrick

Tonight is Big Bodacious Bill. I am DVRing since I'm seeing Jersey Boys again with Dishmama. We are such whores for this show.

Catching up on Real Housewives of New York City: Aviva is nasty. At first I thought, aw, I feel bad for her. She's a real role model for those who've lost limbs. She has phobias (much like Dish's but I have no excuse for mine) and survived. But with each episode, I see how petty, mean, and ill-tempered she is. Surviving trauma doesn't mean you can be an a-hole.

I Didn't Do It

Dish in Sicily, 1989.

But Before the Democratic Convention Starts

Prince Philip Takes a Cue from Dirty Harry! There's a pic from TMZ where our favorite geezer shows us a member of his royal staff. Sadly, his wang is blocked out and I can't find it anywhere. Oh wait, no I didn't just write that. Sorry, Mom! Curiosity is getting the best of me.

Remember how I said I didn't care about Tom Cruise's personal life? Okay, scratch that. If director Paul Haggis is seconding the Vanity Fair story about Tom's finding a new wife, I'm IN! Now I must find a copy of the mag. And yet, if that's how Tom wants to find a wife, it's very efficient. Arranged marriage are really not so awful as long as both parties are complicit.

Nicki Minaj is voting Republican. You just never know which side the stars fall on, so I had to Google a little. Registered Republicans include Adam Sandler, Heather Locklear, Dean Cain, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jessica Simpson, Susan Lucci, Bruce Willis, Kelsey Grammer. Registered Democrats that surprised me a little: Eminem, Faith Hill, Hulk Hogan, Jerry Springer, Jack Nicholson, Harrison Ford.

Bachelor Pad was so ugly last night, especially the ugly crying. Ed is useless, which made him a perfect match for Jaclyn who is horrid (fake or real horrid, I can't decide). As the season progresses I feel sorry for her because she so obviously is in love with this loser, who gives the lamest excuses for rejecting her while continuing to bang her.

If you want to know more about how Julia smells. Dish is running to a Lancome counter as we speak...

And watching the DNC. Let the gasbags begin!

Rest in Peace, Dear Michael Clarke Duncan

His passing saddens me. He seemed so excited with his fame circa The Green Mile and he was so good. Always happy to see him on screen ever since. Very upsetting that he's left this world so young.

Please make the celebrities stop dying. It's breaking my heart.

Seal and Heidi

The Seal and Heidi divorce is getting ugly. With children involved you expect the parents will behave. It's a shame that the paps are following Seal and Heidi around since they are not that interesting. So what if Heidi banging the bodyguard? Seal may be angry about this but he can have any woman he wants. He's SEAL, after all, with a magic singing voice.

I am so into these couples who get divorced in three weeks so that we can fixate on the next hookup. Yay, Katie and Tom!!!

Can We Be Quiet About Tom Cruise for Three Seconds?

Maybe not. There are new rumors about his Scientology wife recruiting so let's add more rumors to the wackadoo mill: He loves, loves marzipan and sticks it up his ass along with the dozen gerbils he borrowed from Richard Gere. Yeah, and Tom adores cooking, especially whisking up omelets for friends who drop over, which is every second because he's Tom. He's freakier than anything we could imagine. Men, women, cans of soda and CRAYONS. Tom spends his nights in a cooler, which is why he looks so fresh. They say that when he acts, he really gets into the role, like practices and works hard to memorize his lines. That's just how Tom is.

I'm so tired of rumors and speculation about Tom Cruise that I no longer care about his personal life, which is pretty hard core if you know me at all.

None of these people reveals themselves to us little people. I think the humidity is getting to me. Luckily, my afro is thoroughly gelled down with Bedhead. There is no moving these branches.

Can you tell nothing is happening? TG, Dishmama, and Dishstepfather are all snoring their faces off. It's not even 10pm. Time for Sons of Anarchy...

Labor Day Weekend

I shall not belabor the point:

Tennis player Maria Sharapova ended her engagement. She's 25, tall, rich, blond and pretty. I feel no pain.

Dish read an enlightening article on Lance Armstrong's former assistant's allegations that Lance is a tool. Dishcyclewidowfriend can second this.

Other than this, am so bored and wondering what to do with my life. Will start partying tomorrow.