Yes, it's the anniversary. I remember what I was doing: walking two miles to work, thinking what a beautiful day, maybe I would go back to teaching, was making copies at the copy machine when the receptionist told me what happened. I pulled out a box of Godiva and offered it around the office as we watched TV, then I walked home with a colleague and said, "This is our JFK." Sat home for a week, watching TV and crying a little, grateful to be mourning alone, grateful to have life, health, family. Grateful to talk with Dishmama and Dishbrother, pissed that Dishfather didn't call to see if I was alive, but when we did talk he mentioned it would be less tragic if I had died rather than someone with more at stake, like a child or someone with family--true to some degree but how sh*tty to say to one's child. That day did make some things very clear--Yes, I knew who loved me and who didn't care at all. But most of all, it no longer mattered to me that I wasn't married with children like many of my friends. I had myself and that was all I needed. I didn't lose anyone, I did see the devastation from my office window, and it makes me cry to see TV coverage, but I don't have a big story about what I experienced. Today, I'm staying as quiet as I can, not updating FB with my thoughts and prayers, not watching TV, and not wanting to delve into this except to remember how much I do love myself (it sounds bad, but you know what I mean) and will do all I can to make my life as good as possible. Maybe it's time for a Julia/QAF/Sex and the City marathon.I've been reading and highly recommend Noelle Hancock's My Year with Eleanor, a memoir about facing fear and the wisdom of Eleanor Roosevelt. Also, The Psychopath Test, by Jon Ronson, which provides info on the obvious topic, along with a checklist and evidence of psychopaths all around us--especially in finance. Now Dish knows for sure she's dodged at least three psychopaths.
A sad loss: Cliff Robertson has passed away at 88. Blessings on his coming and going. And of course, blessings on those souls who left us ten years ago.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry your father said that to you. The more I think about it, the worse it sounds. More power to you for being able to overcome that awfulness and find happiness. And thank you for the book recommendation re: Eleanor Roosevelt. Much more worthwhile than War & Peace which I was contemplating attempting again solely as part of a literary pissing contest.
Thanks, Anonymous. Yeah, I didn't luck out in some departments, but I am a very lucky girl. When I feel down about the paternal issue, I realize others have it far worse, don't have any parents at all. I have a lot of love in my life, which helps with perspective. What is important is that you win your literary pissing contest--I'm serious. I have War & Peace ready to reread. After Eleanor, I may start on it. Thanks for inspiring me.
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