Sunday, March 31, 2013

Mark Burnett and Roma Downey's The Bible Has Made Me Lose Respect for Christianity

You would have thought I'd go atheist when Simon Le Bon came out as a non-believer. His argument made perfect sense to me, but I couldn't quite take the plunge. While I still believe in mystical occurrences (because too much crazy stuff has happened to me), I am not down with the Christian god according to Mark and Roma's new hit miniseries on the Hitler History channel. Disclaimer: My ignorance in the area of religious doctrine is infinite. I only know from a few Easter services and The Ten Commandments. Forgive my blaspheming. I do love the idea of faith.

But still, thank the Holy Whatever for The Bible because I learned so much and decided that this god isn't for me. Lessons from this amazing show:

1. People from yon before are from Great Britain. Surely, 'twas.
2. God committed multiple acts of ethnic cleansing. When he's pissed, he wipes out whole nations and makes people build an ark (hello, vomit train!).
3. The Devil is Obama. I'm sorry, but you can't plead ignorance on this one. The actor doesn't resemble Obama, but Mark and Roma MADE HIM LOOK LIKE OBAMA. There is no accident here.
4. Eve was hot and so was Jesus. Please, important historical figures can't be hideous.
5. For all period pieces before, say, 700 AD, please act as if you're in your church's Christmas pageant.
6. Poor Sarah's womb is all withered and stale so she tells Abraham that he can boink the servant girl. Thanks to God's IVF, Sarah does get preggo. Love triangles are legit.
7. God is bored and needs more adoration so he tells Abraham to kill his son. NICE! But just at the last minute, God says, "Just kidding!" Kill this lamb instead, that's what I really meant.
8. There's something about the Sodomy Village that pisses off God, so he orders an African American, an Asian man schooled in martial arts, and someone else to fight off the bad people. Little glimpse of Obama as this is happening. Like maybe he's involved. Thank heavens, Abraham the Almost Child Killer is spared.
9. Young Moses wore makeup, but he soon grows up to be Gale Harold's seedy uncle! He fights with his childhood enemy Pharaoh, who is still overusing charcoal around the eyes.
10. Pharaoh gives his son a Gameboy, which ensures his silence for the rest of the show. And then he dies.

That's as far as I got. Maybe I need to read the Bible, which might be a purer translation of God's word.

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