Julia/Julie Copycat Challenge--Dish-style

At the end of March, when my schedule dies down, I'm on a mission to go where stars hang out. Each week, I want to squat in a star-studded location (will do literal squatting with donation of 50$) and scope out The Bigger People. I have huge Olsen Twins sunglasses for the occasion. Any ideas where I should go?

I've Lowered Myself

Dish has to keep up with the times. I swore never to watch Jersey Shore (also said this about Paris Hilton sex tape), but my colleagues feel I'll care about these thugs by the end of the season. This is exactly what happened with The Real Housewives of New York, though my fascination had more to do with schadenfreude. Everyone on that show is heinous and I longed to witness their treachery week after week. The Jersey Shore freaks are too young for my derision so I'm guessing I'll want to mother and homeschool them. If I press the button for Episode 2, I'm in trouble.

Barbra University

Dish trekked way uptown to meet TG at his workplace. We walked around these familiar surroundings and I exclaimed, "This is where The Mirror Has Two Faces was filmed!" TG is one of the few hetero XYs who's viewed this masterpiece and he acknowledged we were at Columbia University where Dr. Barbra Streisand taught English. I informed him that if he played his cards right, we could watch the flick together. Instead, TG and I looked in the mirror and realized just how good looking he is. No need for a black dress and vegetable plate for him.

Serious Moonlight

My eyes have been assaulted so I had to call my life coach for crisis counseling. Just when Meg Ryan starts to look good again, she stars in Serious Moonlight. Note to Meg: Don't star in movies with Timothy Hutton. He's very good but far more enigmatic as the cool aged guy in suspenseful dramas. I now understand why Meg's career has plummetted since Proof of Life. The Rx is obvious: Meg needs Dish to choose her projects.

Okay, I'll share. Serious Moonlight is about a wife who duct-tapes her husband when she finds out he's cheating with a younger woman whose eyes are set too close together (Kristin Bell). At least Meg and Kristin are both blond. Any deviation from Hollywood-gold tresses would give me DTs. The story smells like French Kiss where Meg was similarly obsessed with Timothy Hutton. Kevin Kline, a talented actress/director and cast can't save this stinker. I only got through 15 minutes.

Oh, Meg. You have one last chance. Let Dish help you shine again.

Kathy on SVU

My heart is racing after two viewings of Kathy Griffin's clip on the 3/3 Law & Order: SVU. Kathy gets to enjoy a lesbian kiss with Mariska Hargitay. It's every girl's dream come true and Kathy now has something better than two Emmys. Yes, Dish would swim the Atlantic Ocean and walk a tightrope between the Waldorf and Chrysler buildings for such an opportunity (as long as it doesn't jeopardize my relationship with TG). It's Mariska, for goodness sakes, who is a direct descendant of the Cosmic Goddess.

Next Sign of the Apocalypse

Regis and Joy Philbin have an album coming out where they SING. They performed one of their songs on The View. I really, really want to die. At least I found the perfect gift for TG's birthday.

Some cute news, cranky judge Simon Cowell got engaged. And here I thought there was homoerotic subtext between him and Ryan Seacrest on Idol.

What makes up for this is that Dish has a snow day. So many movies to watch...

12$ Back in Dish's Pocket!

I love the paparrazzi: they take so many pics of filming that I never have to see the movie in a theater. For instance, Angelina Jolie is filming The Tourist in Paris, with Johnny Depp. Doesn't she look amazing in cream? Such a departure from the usual boring black. From the pic, I know something mysterious is going on and she can read! Can't wait to see evidence of her sizzling chemistry with Depp. You know they will make fire together. I wouldn't put it past Angie to slip him tongue, but Johnny seems to have more integrity.

Random Question

As I toiled in an unrelated field, the question popped into my head:

Is Shirley MacLaine getting any?

I hope so. Note to self: purchase Out on a Leash, though think it's not about gay S&M but canine ownership. Rats!

Love ya, Shirl, even beyond this life.

August Rush...

...is about an orphaned kid who acts blind, but is really a CHILD PRODIGY, like Mozart. He relays his genius by gazing at the sky, as if receiving signals from heaven. When I see people looking at the sky, I think, "He's blind" or "Maybe trying to see if sun can really burn eyes." FYI--Brilliant people hear things, can hurl brilliance on command. Dish can cry on command if given five minutes to prepare, some gooey mascara and a CD of Andrea Boccelli (Andrea really is blind--and talented). Spoiler alert: the brilliant boy is reunited with his biological parents, Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Felicity, through the power of his music. Dish was unmoved until the last five minutes when cosmic forces brought everyone together for an outdoor concert in Central Park. A nice picnic would have cut the budget in half. While seductive with his husky voice a-filled with Lucky Charms, poor Jonathan Rhys Meyers doesn't equal the musical excellence of Velvet Underground (is slightly atonal as a Eddie Vedder type but far less oily). Felicity is pretty and really good at playing emotionally scarred mother who had a dicky father. There's a sweetness to this flick if you can stay awake past the first hour. Robin Williams cameos as Crazy (with red hair, which usually signifies Crazy). I kind of feel, again, my butt could have written a better script but in the translation, it's not so bad. Kinda darling.

Star Sighting--Hugh Jackman

When: Around Lunchtime. Where: Rosa Mexicana in Union Square. Dishfriend2 was in the same eating airspace as Hugh Jackman and his wife. DF2 told DF1 who told Dish that HJ is really gorgeous and tall, as in appearing beyond the 6'2 posted on websites! Dish believes shoelifts were in place, but also, height augmentation happens when you're famous. You seem taller and so beautiful because ample time is spent on appearance.

Thank you, Hugh, for pleasuring us when you dine in public.

Around the Benz

I never liked Julie Benz in Dexter, though after seeing Conniving Housewives, I realized it was her CHARACTER I didn't like since she's an ACTRESS. As an ex-stripper with a heart of gold (and a penchant for the ladies), Julie breathes fresh air into DH and might be a love interest for Dana Delaney. There aren't enough pillow fights and gratuitous boob shots. Now that Dana's sane, she might be a little gay (all women are with a few mimosas and a trail of bad relationships with XYs). TG couldn't tear his eyes away from the screen. Stay tuned for Sapphic sparks next week.

The drama continues: Ryan Phillipe and Abbie Cornish split (because he's gay--that's pure conjecture).

Lastly, we've all been hoodwinked by Kevin Smith. What a coincidence: he gets kicked off Southwest flight for being fat--just in time for his movie Cop Out to hit theaters. At least he didn't release a sex tape, though Fatties have the right to film themselves having sex, too.

The Great Thing About Cohabitation...

...is how you can influence each other. Dish has curbed her TV/Movie watching habits (no really, stop laughing--down from 6 movies to 1 movie per week, okay, 3) and is no longer so uptight about the occasional glass of wine with dinner. I'm even drinking nutritious beverages from Jamba Juice thanks to TG's obsession with health. Tonight, it does my heart proud to see TG avidly watching Snapped, one of the best shows on television about women who murder their spouses. Most guys would be afraid and laugh nervously, but not TG. He's willing to explore the sickness and make it his own.

In celebrity news, Octo-mom keeps getting turned down for reality shows--a sign that mankind isn't totally ridiculous. Maybe she could start taking care of her kids? Dish saw Kathy Griffin at MSG with Dishbrother. As usual, she was foul and terrific. She called one of my former homes, Rochester, "F*ckchester" and the hotel where she stayed smelled like "jizz and sweat and vomit."

It's a Miracle

Melissa, the chick who got dissed on TV by The Bachelor last year, got married two months ago--THANK GOD! Humiliation over and she's giving ET the chance to document her honeymoon. The rosy-cheeked couple says they're having trouble leaving their suite. Her groom's eyes are not too close together.

For years, I'd thought Hilary Duff would be a spinster but THANK GOD she's engaged to a wholesome NHL player and will not spend her days knitting and watching CNN.

It's a good day.

Hate Project Runway, LOVE Tim Gunn!

Dishbrother wasted no time telling us that his stalking of celebs at his local Starbucks has yielded the best possible fruit: "At my 93rd & Bway Starbucks: 2/18/10, 8:43 AM - Star of Project Runway, Tim Gunn! Looks proper as ever and nodded to me as any good gentleman of the turn of the century would do as he passed another gentleman. 1899-1900, that is. What a charmer."

Thanks, Dishbrother!

Star Sighting: Julianne Nicholson

4:44pm, entering the West Side Market on 7th Ave/15th with a screaming child in a stroller. Julianne was in Mom-mode and moved with the force of an army to get kid (not sure of gender, but don't worry, baby, I looked like a boy until age 9). Dish wondered, Should I help her as I'm stalking her? Julianne's movements were far too expert. Have no fear, I'll reconnect and follow her and her hunkalicious husband Jonathan Cake. Mr. Cake goes to Duane Reade, therefore, he's in love with me.

It's True!

At 11am tomorrow, Tiger Woods is apologizing for misplacing his clubs. Dish is holding a press conference at the SAME TIME to explain why boycott of Le Pain Quotidien lasted only two days. I'm hoping TG has the courage to stand by me. During this mayhem, CNN keeps sending me dirty messages that Iran is building a super secret missile. Full circle.

TG thinks I do secret things. It's TRUE! While he stepped out, I dashed to my computer, punched in the code, scanned my retina to watch Gummy Bear Davis attempt to be straight in Millionaire Matchmaker. Gummy farted during his first date with a voluptuous blond, but at least he stopped frosting his tips. I didn't do my other secret thing, which is to buy macaroons and shove them in my face.

You Know the Day Won't Be Good When...

1. You turn on Dr. Oz for the first time and he talks about Vaginitis.
2. You see Robert Wagner doing a mortgage funds commercial. How the mighty have fallen. The first sign of the apocalypse was Joe DiMaggio doing Mr. Coffee.
3. Kevin Smith's fatness is still big in the news. He says it's the worst thing that's ever happened to him. I'd say he's doing pretty well. I would've thought Jersey Girls was his ticket to hell.
4. You have the sneaking suspicion Evan Bayh will run for President.
5. Publicity whore and no-talent Vanessa Minillo dons a fat suit (done million times before) to see how the other half lives.
6. You're fixated by TGCat performing a lewd act on a catnip toy.

You're So Much Cuter in Person...

Hillary Clinton's lengthening her tresses and sashaying around Saudi Arabia like Pamela Anderson. It reminds me a little of when Simon Le Bon transformed from short "Hungry Like the Wolf" hair into full-on girl in "Wild Boys." Bottom line is I approve of 1. her hair and 2. her efforts to solve the world's crises. Let it all hang out! We're done with the perky short-haired school marm.
Other people I approve of: Paulina Porizkova, who complained about how Anna Wintour didn't acknowledge her in the bathroom at a recent event. Twenty-five years ago, Paulina was a powerful model, so why not give her a little respect? Does it kill to say hello? Dish fantasizes about the day Vogue's resident ET gets shoved in an elevator with a group of underlings. All that muslin, fur, silk and big phony-baloney glasses won't save her from falling down a shaft.
Nice thoughts. Nice thoughts. TG sitting nearby. That's nice.

Kevin Smith Can Always Fly Dish Airlines

It saddens me that director Kevin Smith was kicked off my favorite airline, Southwest, for being fat. Don't they know fat people are The Best on planes? Not only are Fatties nicer because they feel bad for taking up space and are uncomfortable themselves, they provide an excellent cushion between you and the ground. If the plane begins to plunge, grab Fatty and hold on. Chances are, you'll survive. Fatty will also protect you from terrorists since he/she provides an easier target. While you sleep, you can use Fatty's fleshy shoulder as a pillow and since he/she is practically in your seat, you won't have to lean over too much and creak your neck. What's better than sitting next to one Fatty? Getting wedged between TWO Fatties. It's like having a parent's warmth as you sit in a frightening aluminum tube that hurls through space with drunk people at the controls! As payment for his/her service, I will give Fatty all my food since I don't eat and fly. Keep eating and meet Dish in the Exit Row. Airlines, you have your heads up your skinny asses.

Le Pain Quoti-Incompetent

I've been buying coffee at the Le Pain Quotidien in Chelsea since the day it opened. The first few times the baristas waited on someone who came in behind me, I let it go. At least at Starbucks, they say, "Who's next?" A simple question any moron can spew. But customer service doesn't seem to be important at this place. In the mornings to early afternoon, I get selective service. In late afternoon to early evening, I get the one who eyes me like I came from Neptune but at least he waits on customers in sequential order. All I usually want is a latte. I'm not ugly and I have $$$ to pay for my drink. Today, I walked out and I'm officially boycotting. Those f*ckers.

Saw Up in the Air and think it's worthy of an Oscar nom, especially if you compare it with the other sh*t that's out there. Good characters, somewhat predictable plot, but whatevs. I always want to hate George Clooney. He's just soooooo good-looking and smirky, Mr. I live in Italy and play pranks on Brad Pitt, make Julia Roberts giggle. Mr. I know the perfect thing to say and thrive on my beliefs in marriage. Mr. Let's do a telethon for every disaster because I care so much and like to show celebrities talking on the phone. Then he charms me and I get it. He was better in Michael Clayton, though.

How interesting, Senator Evan Bayh not running for re-election. Maybe Scott Brown can go over to his house and dry his soft, tender tears.

Dish is on a roll.

Happy Valentine's Day to...

...Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. I keep wondering who is at fault and why they keep torturing their child. Why did their daughter have to call 911 on her own father last week? If this is always Basinger's fault because she's allegedly crazy, how come Alec always gets into the news? How does she keep such a low profile if she's so crazy? Why call your child a "filthy pig" if it's your ex you want to blame? That said, I think he's a fine actor and I'm down with his politics. Remember when Alec and Kim were a hot couple, making bad movies and appearing on SNL together? What are they going to do at Ireland's wedding, if she ever wants to enter into the institution her parents really screwed up? I wish we could all get along.

Speaking of other former hot couples, Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan got married on Valentine's Day many, many years ago...before he became a substance-addled philanderer (I'm guessing) and she--Dish had predicted the affair upon reading that they'd be working together on Proof of Life starting March 2000, at the height of his fame--had the audacity to step out of her marriage with Russell Crowe.

Such a special holiday, Valentine's Day. Over the years, when it was fashionable to hate VD, I hated it. Then indifference took over save for the influx of chocolate. Thanks to TG, VD has been saved.

We Are The Tequila Sunrise

For once, wouldn't it be fun to have stars sing a song to support everyone's favorite charity: Me and My Drinking? Pink, Kanye, Celine, Lil Wayne and various Country stars could be so earnest about furthering the cause of Me and My Alcoholism*. My reaction to the remake of "We Are the World":

1. Less angry this time at Michael Jackson taking all the praise since Bob Geldof did "Do They Know It's Christmas?" for Africa FIRST!
2. Janet totally looked like she was lip-syncing, Michael was doing all the singing.
3. Barbra, oh Barbra. For me, she was the big star.
4. Celine came right after and tried to out-diva her, failing.
5. Relieved Vince Vaughn was in the video because he is a singing sensation.
5. Loved Wyclef Jean at the end.

In other news and speaking of booze, Dish watched old fave Tequila Sunrise, a captivating Mel Gibson flick before doucheness became part of his public persona. Mel and Michelle Pfeiffer heat up the screen with decent performances by Raul Julia and Kurt Russell (with Gordon Gecko 80s slicked back hair). And that's all, except TG is back, which makes us happy.

*Dish is not even close to an alcoholic but uses this disease as a metaphor, for those who haven't taken 9th Grade English.

Wer r mi SNAX?

Dishcat no mor. i m n-ow TGCat. TG iznt hear & im stukk wit The Kow. Shee iz shuvvng Mixikin chimichingas in hr phat fayss. i theenk shee wiilll mke me watsh the Opining Seremoany of the Olumpix.

TG comme homme?

Dish Is Trying Not to Overcook the Brown Rice

A quick break while the rice takes five hours to cook:

Professional narcissist John Mayer put his appendage in his mouth, saying stupid things to get everyone's attention. Perez Hilton has taken aim and won't relent. It's petty, it's high school, it's homoerotic, it's made up of people who weren't breastfed.

Was John Edwards Babymama canoodling with Jeff Goldblum while with Edwards? Well, if you've got the frizzy hair and handband, flaunt it. (Whore!) I'd fancy Jeff too except when he rubs his spindly legs together and buzzes.

Dish viewed the last part of The Tudors, where funky singer Joss Stone plays Henry's fourth wife. She was really good! Who knew she could act? I was so worried she'd get her head cut off, but then Jonathan Rhys Meyers referred to her as his sister, and I was like, phew. Because I can't take the stress I went to my reliable source, Wikipedia, to find out what happens next for Hankipoo.

Ex-Prez Bubba got rushed to the hospital for chest pains and underwent a heart procedure. I'm eating brown rice tonight in the hopes that his arteries are soon unclogged. If things couldn't get more chaotic, TG is going to somewhere in the Northeast for 36 hours. How will Dish survive?

Other Stuff

Rumor mill: I'm not sure I believe this but allegedly Meg Ryan and Tim Robbins are hooking up. I approve the match because:

1. They were in I.Q and Top Gun together.
2. Meg Ryan needs to align herself with someone cool to enhance her public profile (unfortunately--or she could not care, which is cooler).
3. Everyone needs love. (Yes, even women over forty who've had flings with Russell Crowe, severe plastic surgery and acted in non-romantic comedies--thought she was good in In the Cut (Butt))
4. I hope Meg Ryan makes a comeback, a big one. She used to be everyone's darling and the public has turned on her.

Ellen DeGeneres on American Idol. She was more serious than I thought she would be but liked her overall (except for the faux-hawk--will that hairdo ever go away??). She's sparkly and has great energy.

Falling for Falling for Grace

Dish is painfully biased but it's enjoyable candy for those times when you're about to have a meltdown. Grace (Fay Ann Lee) is loveable as a money-savvy heroine who's grown up in the heart of Chinatown and at a snooty-mcsnootertown event gets mistaken for a fashion designer. It's really Lee's movie--not as much a romantic comedy, though you feel the love. While I shot green daggers at Grace during the trailer (how dare she get so close to Gale when I can't deflect her advances), I was thoroughly charmed by her. Of course, Gale did a fine job as Hunkalicious--and his hair fell in his face just perfectly, but really it's all about the craft and he acted well too. Fabulous secondary characters, heartwarming family vignettes that made me want to buy my parents a new refrigerator (scary dead things in the old one). The only caveats are those typical elements in romantic comedies:

1. Hero showing her how to bowl/golf/hold a bat so as to put pelvis up against heroine's ass and whisper in her ear.
2. Heroine has to fall at least once in front of people. Dish manages to confine her embarrassments to the privacy of her home, like in the bathtub b/c she's 100 years old.
3. At moment when hero is given push to chase after girl, he always says, "Can I borrow your car?" (Notting Hill, Love Actually) In FFG, Gale has been drinking at the bar, shotglass in front of him, therefore, he's lubed up before he gets behind the wheel, thank goodness.
4. After losing love, girl/boy always makes snap decision to move, heads to airport but someone either chases them or he/she changes her mind at last minute. Declaration of love often done on the street. (Mirror Has Two Faces, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, Along Comes Polly, Something's Gotta Give, Sex and the City final episode)

Still loved it, will watch over and over until I hate it.

Oh Em Gee, It's Fay Ann Lee!!!

I pulled out my mail, expecting six episodes of The Tudors, but instead found something better. I'd stared at (memorized) the trailer for Falling for Grace countless times. All I needed was the film itself (90 minutes of Gale Harold) and I'd waited years. It's true, my agenda was to have more Gale in the Casa de Dish. As I opened my package, my dainty alabaster hands shook. Not only did she include a drool-inducing film negative of Gale's no doubt fabulous acting, Fay Ann Lee wrote me, Dish, a PERSONAL NOTE. So I love her (and now we're friends). That hasn't happened since I'm 22, working in an oil company in sh*tty Cleveland and my one shining moment was receiving an autographed picture and PERSONAL NOTE from Jon Tenney. Celebs don't realize the effect they have on (crazed) fans. No longer am I in this for Gale. Any director who takes such care to address viewers deserves consideration (and really good distribution and a bigger bigger budget for the next movie). I can't wait to watch...

... but, right now, TG would rather be slathered in honey and lowered in a vat of fiery red ants than view Falling for Grace. That's why The Goddess invented headphones.

Fay Ann Lee, Forever.

Death Happens

Dish took a vacation day, watched Love Happens, which is about a gloomy gus who mourns his wife then stumbles into Jennifer Aniston. Jen writes strange words behind paintings, which he finds adorable. With her long honey streaked tresses and colorful flower arrangements (women + garden = upgraded Hollywood stereotype of perfect romantic femaleness), she woos him back to mental wellness. And thank the goddess, we have another movie with Judy Greer playing the quirky best friend. There aren't enough of them! Martin Sheen delivers a lovely, tear-inducing final shot.

The Superbowl: Carrie Underwood was great until the last note. At least she didn't lipsync! The Who disappointed both Dish and TG. Roger and Pete were out of rhythm with each other and came off as grunting old men. We discussed Pete's previous charge of perusing at child pornography, but TG reminded me Pete was doing research and not being a perv.

Most noteworthy are the photos of Brangelina canoodling during the bowl. This convinces me more than ever that their relationship is fake. The body language is off. Either that or Angelina can't bear to look at Benjamin Button. I'd be a little embarrassed too.

Dr. Conrad Murray is charged with involuntary manslaughter, which seems reasonable, though it's interesting how some of these celebrity deaths don't put enough blame on the victim for reckless drug use. I'd be thanking Dr. Murray for putting me out of my misery! Though these celebrity docs do need to stop overprescribing (that doesn't include you, DishDoctor!).

Best news of all, I'm hoping to receive my overpriced Falling for Grace DVD soon!

Superbowl 'Bortion

J.J. can avert his eyes, but in case you haven't heard: Today is Superbowl Sunday, where a bunch of fat men in white tights run at each other and land in a sweaty heap. Dish has a freakish love of sports and will attend the silliness. The only bone I have to pick is over the anti-abortion commercial that will air. Shirley, the Tea Party is behind it. Must I remind everyone of the Pee Party? Dish will be drinking beer and whizzing throughout, pondering this great nation.

My biggest concern is over a little piece I read in The Post this morning: Who was caught canoodling but Meredith Ostrom (our beloved Nick Rhodes's girlfriend) and Topper (or Bopper or Poopsie) Tinsley Buckets Mortimer Puffcake. I'm only concerned for Nick's broken heart. Then again, he should know better than to hook up with someone so much younger and far more inclined to boink a Jonas Brother later on. Dish feels Meredith is crazy to stray from a Duran!

In personal news: TG sports a glow after brunch with my parents. He is all smiles, recounting parts of the event, even singing. He'll be away part of the weekend of Dishstepfather's birthday, but I envision him racing back to New York, love ballads playing in the car to make it in time to celebrate the birth of King Grumpus, his idol.

Update: Nick and Meredith are history as of year ago! Dish is obviously too focused on other things. Must catch up.

I love Stockard Channing

But before that: Sadly, Duran Duran's Nick Rhodes loved Avatar. Usually I'm so in sync with Duran Duran. One must accept that humans differ (though DD is made up of deities) in their preferences. I will remain true to my opinion in feeling that Avatar was ungodly boring sh*t.

Speaking of which, the ex-Edwards aide was found in contempt of court for not handing over the sex tape. Dish senses an episode of Teletubbies is on the tape. Stupid people belong in jail.

Speaking of which, Russell Crowe has a new pile of crap due out far too soon, Robin Hood. My rumbling bowels inform me a preview will air during the Super Bowl. It looks terrible, like Gladiator and Bravefart mixed together. Russell can barely conceal the sweaty rolls of fat within his chainmail. I feel sorry that Cate Blanchett has to kiss him as, like Gerard Butler, he probably smells like stale beer and cigs.

Oh...totally different topic. Watched three Stockard Channing movies this week and am reminded how much I love her. There's never enough Stockard Channing on the screen. She nails it every time. Now she just needs to have a lesbian affair with Cherry Jones on 24, maybe with Jack Bauer jumping in at the end. Stockard forever!

Politics Is My (Tea) Bag

There's so much in the news about the Tea Party. Beyond what happened in 1776, I can't imagine what this means. From TV coverage, it looks like a grass roots campaign of fat religious people who are pissed and want change. I've decided we need a bolder mandate so Dish is starting The Pee Party. The bylaws include:

1. Drink at least 2 liters of water a day except on days when giving long speeches. Watch how often you go to the bathroom and how your urine becomes transparent.

2. If you include vitamins in this regimen, all bets are off as your pee turns neon yellow.

3. Abolish student loans.

4. It's better to have guests over since you can make your pee hit the bowl so as not to make a sound. If in a foreign bathroom, it could be loud and then people would know you have bodily functions.

5. Include a sin tax on alcohol and cigarettes.

6. We know how asparagus affects these bylaws so let's not even go there.

I took a break from my political strategizing and my new mission by watching Notorious with the notorious TG. I made him drink lots of water.

My Drug of Choice

This is what happens to middle-aged women. Yesterday, Dish bundled up and went out into the cold, in search of needles. Only one hour and TG wouldn't notice my absence, would he? No one had to know. I'd gotten rid of several bags of unused yarn before his arrival in December, donating it to charity (Madame T). After frantic darting over to Sixth Avenue, I entered the hot spot, mesmerized by walls of yarn. My instinct was to grab a basket and load it with random skeins. If you don't know what a skein is, you're safe. I resisted utter wildness and only purchased 4 skeins of baby yarn (for no one, I just had to have it, okay?) at $4.99 and the needles. Don't judge me. It's my crack.

Speaking of drugs, what a surprise: Brittany Murphy's death ruled an accident from pneumonia, anemia, and multiple drugs (so far they just listed cough syrup and cramp meds). Casey Johnson also died of natural causes, i.e. diabetes (though her lifestyle didn't help!).

No judging! So glad I can't smoke, snort or shoot yarn into my veins.

Smile for the Camera

Andrew Young and his weird wife were on The View whoring his new tell-all The Politician about the Edwardses. They claimed to still love John and Elizabeth but are ripping them a new one. If I could write a tell-all about everyone who's effed me over, I'd be a guzillionaire. Dish knows fame last about 7.5 minutes and my secrets (Leif Garrett and Shaun Cassidy are ugly) will come out from my grave. The Youngs were a strange couple and I have the sneaking feeling "I" statements are very important to them: I'm hearing that you're claiming to be the father of that camera woman's child and I'm concerned. Dish would suggest real communication: You rabid uncle-f*cker, how dare you lie for that thunder-c*nt John Edwards! I'm just saying...

FYI--Mel Gibson is still a d*ck and called Dean Richards, who was interviewing him quite delicately, an a-hole. We hate Mel!

You might wonder why Dish is swearing so much. My simple teeth cleaning turned into a rebonding session with lots of novocaine. The nice part: Dentist said I was "very thin."

Dish for New York Senate!

I feel we need to start from scratch in the New York Senate. Schumer dissed our Hillary and Gillenblond is too conservative. Last night, Harold Ford, Jr. got his hiney smacked by Stephen Colbert and I found him annoying from the onset. We need someone new. Someone who will tell you:

who's effing who in the Capitol
who hires prostitutes for those long "good will" missions overseas
who burps and farts during meetings
whose wife is an ice princess
who's secretly insane
who eats like a big fat hog

We need DISH in the Senate!

Nepotism: It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

Thanks to a tip from Dishbrother, I could be sitting (standing) in SGI-NYC's regal ballroom listening to Courtney Love emote about becoming a Buddhist. It would have entailed waiting. Dish would walk miles and wait for Julia Roberts or Simon Le Bon (I did wait three hours for Steven Seagal and struck out). Not Courtney Love. I've read her blog, I was all for Comeback #1 circa 1996-8 when Versace got his hands on her and she was an actress.

More important: Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend broke up after nine years. I've waited this relationship out, knowing all too well when an actress gets successful and wins some Oscars, she's bound to get dumped or lose interest in her less successful beau. That said, Stuart Townsend is my very favorite vampire and the only Lestat. He was also fabulous in Will & Grace.

Speaking of Lestat, I saw the trailer for Tom Cruise's new movie Knight and Day and it looks AMAZING! This flick is perfect for Cruise (Cameron Diaz has SO had at least one nose job). TG remarked Tom is aging well. Scientology keeps everyone young.

Have you heard Billy Idol might be considered as the new lead singer for Aerosmith? I'd go to that concert!