Happy Beltane!

Watch this and you will piss yourself if only for the dis on Donald Trump and even a loving tease to Matt Damon http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9mzJhvC-8E. Obama's timing is a little off but some good lines.

Lorenzo Lamas marries 5th wife. It's hard to believe he's the same guy who played opposite Olivia Newton John for two seconds in Grease. He's like a different guy. A little worn out but working hard not to be old. Dish is almost there, too.

Reading more details about the royal wedding. Still swooning but not enough to paste photos of the event in my diary. I did NOT just do something so sentimental. I wish these young 'uns all the best. It's the Royal Ginger's turn next. I could see him walking down the aisle in a big rainbow wig.

Acquaintance was at front row of Duran Duran show in Boston. Simon touched her hand and winked. I would have needed oxygen.

TG is out getting me seltzer. Maybe it's because I was playing Enya too loudly. Or he's killing time before Desperate Housewives.

Now Kate Can Eat Again!

I was worried about Kate Middleton's weight loss post-engagement but now she can dive into Hostess Cupcakes and Ding Dongs for all she's worth...until the British tabloids say the first nasty thing, which should be any second now.

Still riding the wave of joy over the royal wedding until I read an anti-monarchy quote from Morrissey. Freedom of speech is awesome, but he's so pissy. At least he doesn't live in Libya right now. I'd love to live in a country with all those freaking hats! Plus, all these children will have watched this wedding thinking that dreams can come true. They will realize that life sucks later on but it's nice to have a few moments of bliss with fancy dresses, ceremony, and crowds of well-wishers.

I remember being such a depressed teen in the 1980s. What did I listen to? Not The Smiths otherwise I might have jumped from my dorm room window. Morrissey was whiny and in his own poetic tormented world, sexually ambiguous which aroused my friends since androgyny was THE thing. I just hated him. In college, I met Morrisseys every second, so ghostly, pensive, tormented (usually very very rich). I was their psychiatrist and never had the favor returned when I was in dire straits. Sure, the royals live off the little people, but so do angsty musicians. There I said it--freedom of speech. I try not to hate anyone but No Exit for me is locked in a room with Morrissey.

The GOP Freak Show: Mitt Romney just made a poor choice of language with "hanging" something around Obama's neck, metaphorically speaking. The Donald is dropping F bombs at public appearances everywhere, showing his class. I highly doubt this will turn into a serious Presidential campaign. There are whisperings that Sarah Palin might be gearing up a Presidential run. I say, GO FOR IT! The most fun part is to watching all kinds of stupid. This country won't vote for a slimeball with a greasy comb-over...and it won't vote for a woman.

In more celebrity babies: Mad Men's skinny-minny January Jones is preggo and we're all waiting to hear who the father is (a la Padma Lakshimi). It's gonna come out sometime! Then again, it's no one business. Tell us anyway? Mariah Carey just gave births to her twins via scheduled C Section on her and Nick's anniversary. Sniff, sniff. It's so beautiful.

Where Has Dish Been?

Recovering from the royal wedding all day. I had two choices last night: 1. Pull an all-nighter so that TG could get a good night's sleep. 2. Risk sleeping through alarm clock which I'd done during the Australian Open, missing crucial matches. I chose #1 and loaded up on caffeine, knitting, and watched Kate/Will coverage from 12-8:30. To say I had a migraine is understating, but I was determined to get to the kiss on the balcony. From the second Wills got into the Bentley to go to Westminster Abbey, I had goosebumps. Kate's dress was interesting, reminded me a little of a workout uniform on top with the cut and the v-neck, with more traditional skirt. Fetching overall. Kate's veil, tiara were gorgeous, too. I'm not sure how she got through the hour-long ceremony in one piece. I would have spent the entire time kneeling at the pew, sneaking Ativan while pretending to wipe my nose. Loved the music, the tradition with some breaking of rules. And for heaven's sake, Queen Elizabeth looked like a cute little marshmallow Peep in that fabulous yellow getup. Spectacular. Fresh as a daisy at 8:00am, TG rolled in and called the whole royal wedding "meaningless." Thanks! No going to see Duran Duran for him. I crashed and now I don't want to see any more coverage.

By the middle of the afternoon, I could open my eyes fully and caught Morning Glory, starring Rachel McAdams as a spastic producer who has to whip Harrison Ford into shape while boinking Patrick Wilson. Diane Keaton and Harrison Ford have excellent chemistry and I wish it had been more about them. All we get is his hand on her ass at the end. What about Something's Gotta Give II? The network in the movie was IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome--wink wink). Not really worth a rent.

Fine Line Between Champion of a Cause and Total Diva

Modern divas tend to be all talk and skimpy on what counts (talent and integrity), which is what I seemed to encounter a bit too much recently. Must be courteous and nice, when I would love to pull a Nurse Jackie and tell these dorkuses eff themselves, especially a nasty young blonde who mouthed off for no reason at a Duane Reade counter-person for an innocent mistake.

This week, I spent hundreds of dollars on God knows what, money disappearing in general on essentials, regretted my splurge on awesome Tom Ford glasses since they weren't necessary even though my old glasses are ratty, obligations are amassing that will most likely require tranquilizers, envious of acquaintance whose Twitter announced she was front row at Duran Duran concert which brings back teen "missing out" angst in agonizing waves, air conditioning smells like an unwashed person living inside it and came home to kitty yakking everywhere. The Universe is telling Dish to go dark for a few days (but never dark on gossip), stay in the recesses and watch action take place. Like Jack Bauer, I am always on the move. Psyche saved by tonight's emotional The Office and Real Housewives of New York City. Of course, am waking up at 4am to watch royal wedding. Must always stay true to pop-culture-obsessed self.

Of course, I am all talk, too, and mostly happy. First person to blame rant on my cycle gets a smack.

Confession

I liked The Fighter, even though it reminded me of every other boxing movie I'd ever seen. Because of Bale's Supporting Actor win, I expected him to dominate, but really, there's so much more of Mark Wahlberg training and French-kissing Amy Adams. Mark always uses tongue with his co-stars, which gives the make-out sessions an air of authenticity. I always adore when the sweet young thing tends to the boxer's injuries--and then they make out, even if he's sweaty and gross.

Bale is fantastic as the stringy, crack-addled brother and his charisma, to me, was so believable. He aptly showed the complexity of a screwed up, lovable brother who'd long-since peaked. He deserved an Oscar, I hate to say it. I loved the cliched training montage scenes because they made me want to work out. Felt Melissa Leo chewed too much scenery, though perhaps this was true to the real character. It read a little like "You effed me out of the Oscar for Frozen River, by God, I'm getting one now." Overall, I rooted for the good guys and got misty at the end. Better than Cinderella Man by far.

By sheer coincidence, I read that Alice Ward (played by Leo) died today.

Donald Trump: Jackasstown, Population You!

He gives Gingies a bad name. After all this hoopla, Obama released his birth certificate. Wonder if Catholic President JFK was ever asked to prove his legitimacy. This country can't handle when a non-WASP takes office. If Hillary had been President, I'm sure Trump would have asked her to prove she was a woman. The world would be dull without idiots we can make fun of. I hope Trumpster runs for President. Wouldn't that be a circus?

All hell has broken loose on Brothers & Sisters. In case you stopped watching, 40+ years ago Nora Walker couldn't keep her legs closed and questions arise about Sarah's biological father. Kevin and Tommy (I have no idea what their freaking names are) have a child stolen by Ken Olin and Patricia Wettig's confused daughter! Such drama, Thirty-Something style only with looser morals and no horny, whiny bearded redheads, though I could see Timothy Busfield making a cameo as Nora's long-lost something. Or...Patricia's secret husband! Then it really would be Thirty-Something, which I watched when I was -7.

Glee: So tired of the ballads. The best part was the mall "Barbra Streisand" scene. Love that Emma comes out as OCD, that I Never Promised You a Rose Garden's Kathleen Quinlan was her shrinkipoo and that Emma finally takes the damn pills. Sometimes you need them. Not enough Sue Sylvester in this episode.

Kate Hudson is engaged.

More Joey Slotnick!

Here's a hilarious little bit about Joey Slotnick. Love the reference to irritating sit-coms in the late 1990s. They WERE irritating--and so temporary! http://www.fametracker.com/hey_its_that_guy/slotnick_joey.php.

Thanks, Dishmatronofhonor!

Happy Birthday to Roger Taylor of Duran Duran!

Not only is he a year older, still twirling those sticks, but he's aged magnificently. This is so insulting, yet I mean it in a nice way. For a really old person, he looks GREAT. No worries, I'm right on his heels. Here's to Roger and his tremendous talent! He's given Duranies around the world--especially Dish--ecstasy. Not *that* kind of ecstasy, maybe in the 80s. Just kidding...!

Dish feels quite happy over the strides made. Three years ago, I was in a puddle of misery, and now I experience joy I never thought possible. I may not have Donald Sutherland as my father (hubba hubba), a great estate in Pemberley or 4 sisters (can you say Kotex?), but I love my family, friends, and the new addition of TG--who thinks my art is brilliant.

Perez Hilton alleges that Lindsay Lohan will spend very little time in jail. Celebrity Justice, yay! Though, it does amaze me how some celebs like Lindsay get skewered, spend their lives in a courtroom, while others get away with murder, shooting their spouses accidentally, or other thuggery.

Most important and thanks to Dishbrother for passing me this gem. Julia has gone back to being a blonde--though I didn't realize she'd gone brunette since EPL. Such a step back to her "Danny and I bless-ed to be having twins" on Oprah days. See http://www.stylelist.com/2011/04/25/julia-roberts-blonde/ for crucial update!

Paul Reiser was a cranky-puss on The Tonight Show about his show being axed. TG and I watched it and found it uncompelling--maybe a little passe. Loved Mad About You, don't think today's younger viewers would get it. There's not enough trainwreck/blood/law enforcement/teen sex in whining old men comedies. The days of Frasier, Seinfeld, Becker are over...for now. Look forward to seeing them again.

Star Sighting--Joey Slotnick!

Spotted by Dishbrothersidekick at about 2pm on 4/25/11 at 96th station, Joey Slotnick, aka the redhead in The Single Guy (think Timothy Busfield of the late 1990s). Played a fabulous sleazoid in Nip/Tuck. Joey was approached by a fan on the subway platform. He didn't seem happy or angry about it.

Redheads rule!

I Love You, Tom Ford

But not in *that* way. A Single Man was a visually stunning, stylish film. While shopping for frames, I remembered how that movie made me feel. My failing, bright blue eyes alit on these dark purple almost tortoise (turtle?) shell glasses with "Tom Ford" stamped on a removable sticker. They were gorgeous (expensive) and, as usual for once, I splurged on something designer. Cannot wait to wear Tom Ford.

More babies. Are the stars trying to tell Dish something? It's alleged that Hugh Grant might have knocked up A WOMAN. For those who want me to focus on his work and not his personal life, well, HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING and we're all waiting with bated breasts. Love Hugh!

I might have read that President Sarkozy has created a zygote with Carla Bruni. How could that happen when she's 43 (;))? To offset this procreation, one of Charlie Sheen's goddesses pulled a Britney and dumped him via text.

Stop teasing me, People Magazine, with your glossy article on how Julia's kids love her cooking. Way to bury the lead about her new film collaboration with her sister and husband, Jesus Henry Christ. People, do you really want Dish to try to cook? I'm a little Single White Female when it comes to Julia Roberts and now will need to make a film with TG and Dishbrother. My hair now is like hers from The Mexican, except for puffier.

I read somewhere that Gale Harold joined other celebs in supporting youths (or Tribeca Film Festival, did not read closely due to lack of Tom Ford glasses) and played some soccer yesterday in the city. Dish is so glad not to have been invited since I'm a married woman now and Gale, surely, wouldn't have liked temptation itself staring at him fixedly as he tried to play. Now TG is going to pull out his own star-crushes, Snooki and Christina Aguilera. He's going to kill me for writing this. But I did laundry and vacuumed (while watching Hellcats) and TG is more beautiful than all the stars!

Say Yes, Susan! Say Yes, Yes, Yes, Oh, Yes, Yes!

So my self-imposed gag order lasted two minutes, because I won't let one hysterical person censor me, I'm not mean to the stars (usually) and most of all I remembered:

It's Shirley and Barbra's birthday! Everyone should get this day off. We have President's weekend and MLK, Jr. weekend. Why not Barbra and Shirley's weekend? They've both made quite an impression on the world. I learned from Shirley's books that she and Babs call each other on their day of birth. Isn't that sweet? So, I'm expecting Brian Austin Green, Forrest Whitaker, Ariana Huffington and Derrida (oh wait he's dead and I wouldn't understand him anyway because he's so obtuse) on July 15th.

My rumor of the week is that Susan Lucci might be on Desperate Housewives. She will breathe life into the show and steal it from everyone! I can't wait to see that goddess in a low-cut red dress, flaunting her hot wares all over Wysteria Lane!

Happy Easter!

It's not often I receive angry comments but I did yesterday when I posted an Anderson Cooper sighting. The comment was disparaging me for posting private information, that he was on a street (with many witnesses), that celebrities deserve their privacy. I agree with this--to some extent. It's a public life and crazy people are everywhere. (The crazies even hurt anonymous people like Dish) By posting anything about AC, I don't mean to cause harm but to show excitement over seeing someone famous.

I never approach celebrities, tell them I love their work because I do respect privacy. I don't follow them or discuss on end what they are doing, though I do linger a bit too long on Duran Duran's Twitter and FB pages. It horrifies me that strangers approach them at all for autographs or to be disrespectful. Why break the 4th wall? They could ruin my fantasies with their potentially sh*tty personalities.

I apologize to Anderson Cooper for posting his vague whereabouts and who might have been around him. I try to keep this blog somewhat respectful and "nice." I like to give attention to people who deserve it and impart information that is already everywhere. It should be obvious I love most of the people I write about (maybe not Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen, though most of this is disappointment over loss of talent), and I don't mean to feed stalkers.

So...why don't I just write glowing praise about fictitious people instead? No more celebrities. They get enough media attention and who needs them if they're not directly contributing to my income?

No more Anderson, Duran Duran, Julia, Kathy Griffin. Good thing I didn't post what J.J. said about Jessica Seinfeld. So, in this new direction, we'll start with Zelda, a magical three-legged dog, who wore special clown pants on her way to Easter services. Turned out she was Jesus reborn and could turn her whizz into Limoncello.

Dish Hair Is Cut!

And I got to see J.J. french-kiss a dog, with real J.J. tongue lolling against real dog tongue. "Oh, yeah, we make out all the time." Not only did he give me an adorable haircut, he used every possible expletive. To make the experience all the more delightful, he got all Devil Wears Prada on his employees, screeching at them to do this and do this--RIGHT NOW, WH**E C**T! He needs his own TV show.

J.J. and I bonded over our mutual love of the movie Remember Me, starring Robert Pattinson, but thought Like Water for Elephants looked like a big pile of shit.

Two big headlines: Lindsay Lohan sentenced to 120 days in jail (finally) and Leeann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian are married. Charlie Sheen in jail/real rehab would be the cherry on top.

TG is laughing uproariously at Don Rickles during the Dean Martin roasts. Don never did it for me.

Quinoa Is the New Black

Saw Brad Womack and Emily Maynard on the cover of Life & Style, as having broken up. Couldn't resist and forked over the $2.99. I find L&S largely unreliable but perhaps it held a kernel of truth. Brad and Emily seemed shaky as a couple, which destroyed me.

Last night's The Office made me cry, mostly because Steve Carrell was crying. Those tears looked real.

Jerry Seinfeld and Donald Trump in a war of words. At least Donald Trump says interesting things. When I say interesting, I mean outrageous and illogical. They could both be used as landfill, though Jerry gets a pass for Seinfeld.

Spike Lee is dissing Tyler Perry for his work. Envy is a bitch.

And if you weren't convinced of the copious amount of Hollywood humping, Mary McCormack is pregs!

Leeza Gibbons got hitched. I get her mixed up with Vanna White, who hawks yarn for Lionsbrand. A shout-out to brassy blond hostesses and letter-turners over 40! I adore Vanna's work ethic.

How Long Can I Make This Box of See's Candy Last?

I broke down and watched Brothers & Sisters: When is the underwear model leaving Sarah to go back to Samantha on Sex and the City where he belongs? Sally Field in a black negligee. What a tramp! Spoiler: Knew Beau Bridges would leave, leaving Sally to do some excellent sobbing. She needs someone much younger and more inappropriate. The big shocking twist at the end was totally expected by Dish. Ken Olin and Patricia Wettig will do anything to get their daughter back on.

Ethan Hawke's wife is pregs. He's a novelist.

High is closing after 8 performances. Kathleen Turner will rise again. How about Serial Mom 2?

It seems Michaele Salahi will do anything to get into the news. Crashed the Obama party. Was on Real Housewives of D.C. but alienated everyone and show got canceled. Announced her Multiple Schlerosis, but we know she's got something else wrong. Went on Celebrity Rehab and got kicked off because she's not addicted to anything (except fame), tried to get her sexy pics into Playboy and was refused. Now claims to have a stalker--which, as you know, ups your famous points. I'd say she has a shot on Dancing With the Stars, but this list just makes me too sad. She and the Montag-Pratts need to release a sex tape. Otherwise, gone in 60 seconds, dontcha think?

Classic line from last night's Modern Family: "I'm just glad my clown training prepared me to take a fall like that." God is not love. It is Eric Stonestreet.

I Can't Believe I'm Doing This

Someone should stop me, but I'm not going to screw around this evening. I won't look over my husband's shoulder and have iPad envy. Or play Scramble with those I always beat (TG and Dishbrother--a little dim when it comes to word games for the semi-autistic). I won't check out Sex & the City reruns or stare at the clutter on my desk, clutter that will never go away.

Instead, I'm going to wash dishes. Then read a New Yorker. Maybe I'll edit a few pages. It may not be glamorous but my life won't improve until I get all this damn hair cut off. Here is my before and after:

Stream of Conciousness

Last night's Glee peaked over Sue's League of Doom. Cheyenne Jackson, always underused. And straight. Saw him enter Viceroy in a regal flourish. Officially waking up at 4am to watch royal wedding. Cat howling over injustice that I could be typing, not petting. Jerry Seinfeld may be against the royal wedding hoopla but WHAT DOES IT HURT, sour grapes who had his moment in the sun? Sudden malaise remedied by Matzo and pudding, but not together. TG says Matzo as fattening as loaf of bread and I keep crunching and fantasizing about butter. Must curtail thoughts of watching Mad Men and ironing clothes. This is not Little House on the Prairie, but rather Working Girl where heroine puts nose to the grindstone. Chores may be fun but work pays the bills. Grand decision: Will foray into the work of Tyler Perry whose Medea character flirts with me from screen. Charlie Sheen still no custody. Dish is Lady Liberty--Bring me your wrinkled clothes, your children via crack-addled parents, your manuscripts with typos.

Nick and Simon on Chelsea Lately DVRed for Dish's viewing pleasure after work is done.

Truth Be Told

Truth Be Told is a pile of ungodly sh*t but I can't live on Virginia Woolf alone. I need my fluff starring Jag Heartthrob David Jessica Parker James Elliott as he robs the cradle (sheesh, she could be his daughter) with Candace Cameron Bure, who has grown from bratty older sister to full-fledged delight. There is a 16-year age difference between the actors, though the writers/directors/producers want us to believe they are 4 years apart. Maybe with a little facelift.

Fidel Castro resigns. Hey, Fidel. No one likes a quitter. Except maybe Cuba!

Charlie Sheen battles Brooke Mueller for custody since she went off the wagon last week. Here's a solution: Give their twins to Dish! I'm not so maternal (yet), but I'd be a way better parent than these two goons. I always have candy.

Thanks, Perez Hilton!

Not Bad for a Monday

Monday! My favorite day of the week. A kind stranger bought my way onto the subway, saying I seemed lost. I think it was the big red hair in my face. Was it Jesus? I *am* reading Joel Osteen's Become a Better You just for the hell of it, even though I'm not *into* any kind of traditional God (aside from worship of Julia). His Sunday sermons are comforting. J.J. is bleeding from the eyes. No worries--I am still a heathen.

Desperate Housewives: Not sure why TG and I still watch this. We keep saying, "Wow, the writing is so tight." Or "I didn't expect that." Why is Susan still alive? Bring back Gale Harold. Did not watch Brothers & Sisters but the lure of Sally Field might make me Hulu it. Damn that woman.

Still riding the high of The Book of Mormon. Thanks to my husband for being obsessed with South Park and getting the tickets.

Coachella: What was Rosanna Arquette doing interviewing musicians? Francis and the Lights seemed like a moron. Maybe not the most intellectual bunch overall. Duran Duran killed with Ana Matronic in "Safe."

Here's someone interesting to follow on Twitter: Elizabeth Hurley. A delight. This morning she had a flaky croissant with her coffee. This made me happy.

Star Sighting--Jesse Eisenberg!!!

This from J.J. a few minutes ago. He ran into Jesse at Port Authority. I asked J.J. what Jesse was doing in such a skanky place (what was J.J. doing there, wink, wink). J.J. writes:

Walking just like I was, we passed each other! No impression other than his assburgerssyndrome spilling out of his pores...

Vintage J.J.!

Wonder what happened to his sister. Ten years ago, she was the cat's banana, the child star.

The Book of Mormon

Sell yourself to get a seat to The Book of Mormon. It's one of the fresher musicals you'll find on Broadway. Don't see if you are extremely religious and have no sense of of humor. The people next to us stormed out when the tribesmen sang about effing babies. With the creators of South Park, one must always expect very twisted synapses (no farting except when dealing with dysentery which I thought was a pissing disease) and this delivers, in a watered-down, Broadway way. Great dancing, very good song-writing, full-bodied singing, inspirational message about faith, and I didn't notice the little microphones so much. I don't say this often about Broadway musicals, but I'd see it again. Standing ovation. My special favorite was: Rory O'Malley, the secretly gay one. He had a great stage face, which in this case, doesn't mean ugly but expressive.

My super-Christian grandparents took me to see The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. They might have liked this.

Arrested Development

I feel bad for celebrities in that all wild behavior gets caught on the news and then bloggers like myself write about it. Poor Nicolace (how do you spell this?) Cage arrested for being drunk and smacking his wife around. It's a pity he can't do that in private. But seriously, even sadder is when the person can't walk away immediately at first slap. So lucky I never encountered that kind of abuser.

About to go see The Book of Mormon which has been getting great reviews. Even nicer is how Mormons approved of this play. You may hate organized religion (or love it as culture using a different microscope, as does Dish) but those South Park boys are insanely funny. Secretly hope Butters makes an appearance.

Now to drag TG away from Wuthering Heights. I think Cathy is about to kick the bucket.

29$ for Sunblock?

Yes, the scientists at Duane Reade assured me that La Roche-Posay makes a sunblock that doesn't sting or peal. And they were right. La Roche-Posay is like a primer. My face will be protected.

Did you watch The Office? I was bored until the backwards hug between Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell.

The Real Housewives of New York City is going downhill fast. I wonder what will stop my viewing. This season I hate Alex. She is of the poised super-self-righteous who spout peace, love, recycling, liberal politics but secretly and totally effed up. Then again, who isn't? I am bananas.

Speaking of effed up--I contributed four questions to Duran Duran's live Q&A on Youtube. They never got used. It's all a scam. What was I thinking?

A full day of professional and social activities--on 5 hours sleep. Not sure I'll survive. Let us pray.

All My Children and One Life to Live Cancelled!

What will Susan Lucci do? Maybe she'll have her own reality show where she looks for a job. Maybe she'll join the temping pool, which will give her new experiences. No, wait...I have it...SHE'LL JOIN THE CAST OF BROTHERS & SISTERS and play Sally Field's LONG LOST SISTER. There, I've put myself into an ecstatic coma.

Dish is embarking on a new project: The Gwen Stefani Challenge. For one week, I must put my face on and dress nicely before leaving the house or before TG even sees me in the morning. Gwen Stefani starts the day in full makeup and never lets herself slack off in ratty house skank-wear. Can I do this? I will need a haircut first.

Sally Field cast as Mary Todd Lincoln alongside Daniel Day Lewis. I can see it now, Sally in hoop skirt, "Abe, you have GOT to free the slaves, goddammit. Otherwise, this Civil War won't be so civil."

She Could Be My OLDER Sister

The Killing--I'm hooked. The slow, creepy Seattle murder mystery has seeped into my dark soul and taken it hostage. The female detective could be a Dish-relation but my slight agoraphobia forbids me from visiting so many crime scenes. I could solve a case--from my little office in Chelsea...Skype?

J.J., everyone's favorite hairguru, is plotzing over Kathleen Turner's excellence in High. He and I don't always agree on art, but I do love Kathleen. She's an original. Might have to see it.

Brett Easton Ellis is gay-slurring Glee, calling it a "puddle of HIV." The more advanced we become, the more backwards and sensationalist. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to stir-fry some puppies and call them "f**cking f***ots" on my Twitter.

Makeup Melting and It's Not Even 9 am

I can totally sympathize with Catherine Zeta-Jones. This tap dancing T Mobile goddess checked into a facility to treat her Bipolar Disorder. Who knew she suffered from this? I'd need to be hospitalized if TG had just gone through chemo/radiation for throat cancer, along with long court battle with rubber-faced ex-wife. Get well soon, CZJ!

On a happier note, Scarlett has allegedly moved in with Sean Penn. 24 year age difference but love is love. Dish wants to know, who's the bigger slob. I'd venture that it's Scarlett. She seems like the type to leave pizza crusts under the bed.

Kobe Bryant issued a gay slur during a game. It always shocks me when sports figures act badly. Maybe he can buy someone a big diamond bauble and make it all go away.

I thought the mob was so ten years ago, but apparently the Gotti story is being made into a movie starring John Travolta and Lindsay Lohan. I can see John--especially after his excellent stint as Clinton in Primary Colors, but Lindsay won't do more than sport an accent and look blonde. I hope I'm surprised.

Quick Facts

Just discovered from a source that Simon Le Bon is a moody diva, but wonderful, too. Imagine that. I've never heard of a celebrity human with changeable emotions--or any human for that matter. I'd be disappointed if he were placid. Have gone from being a Zola heroine to Mathilde Loisel in thirty seconds. Only difference, I do love my current life and substitute celebs for necklace.

Is anyone following The Killing? Dish watched first fifteen minutes and while Gingie heroine and unknowns could appeal, it was like seeing paint dry. Do I continue?

Reading lots of diet books and they seem to say the same thing: no processed foods, sugar, eat less, work out more, and, gag, eat lots of, gag, veggies and whole grains. Does anyone have new, surprising information that doesn't involve chemistry sets, diarrhea-inducing smoothies or expensive food delivery? No.

Will You Be Watching the Royal Wedding?

William and Kate's wedding. Does Dish wake up early to watch live or DVR? So many options in the modern age. I thought I cared more about the wedding, but as it turns out, I was more interested in MY wedding.

The Flip Cam is no longer. Was it something we said?

Is it my imagination or is Nurse Jackie not as good this season? Maybe it's because she's not having sex with Eddie. I still enjoy her hidden pill popping.

We're seeing The Book of Mormon on Broadway this weekend. Not surprised it's getting good reviews since it's written by geniuses. Broadway isn't used to great writing these days.

Dish Confessions and Thoughts:

1. If Nick Rhodes and I worked together, we would have creative differences.
2. I'd like to be one of the Real Housewives...just for a week.
3. Jennifer Hudson and Sarah Rue looked more beautiful with extra poundage.
4. My ultimate girl crushes are Katherine Moennig and Jane Lynch. (I broke up with Jennifer Connelly due to low visibility)
5. The little mics hooked to actors on stage really bother me. What happened to projecting?
6. Worried about Natalie Portman's romantic future.
7. I don't believe the rumor that Scarlett Johansson is pregnant with Sean Penn's child. I think she's just fleshy because she doesn't exercise. Still gorgeous (see #3).

Oink!

Someone who has direct contact with Duran Duran just contacted me (I guess ranting does get you somewhere, even if it's nowhere). Sure, I'm a little giddy, but this is 24 years ago all over again. The tears of joy I shed in the smoking room of my girls dormitory, dreaming about how John Taylor actually knew my name, his ear molecules absorbing syllables related to my person, that he might look over the swarm of blondes to contact a chubby jail-bait redhead at a Connecticut prep school. I should have learned a lesson from Carrie.

I'm an adult. Just as brushing past Julia Roberts almost got me killed, I should probably never meet my heroes (even though it's the ONLY thing on my Bucket List).

But I will most definitely see them in concert this fall. Because they got me an A+ on my high school term paper (50 pages), I will buy a seat up close. Let the pigs' blood fall on me!

Boinking to Produce the Messiah

So many pregnancies--some planned, some seem conceived in a Hollywood loo. With apocalyptic 2012 on its way, it seems as if stars are furiously trying to create our next savior with this rash of pregnancies. I embrace this new herd of superior star-progeny...but I also embrace the Great Beyond, where Elizabeth Taylor has gone for her permanent vacation. Psychic Sylvia Brown alleges Heaven is 72 degrees with the deceased hovering three feet off the ground. Sounds much like Winter Park, Florida though it was my hair hovering three feet above my head this past weekend.

New babies: If only to show us some meat on her spindly arms, Tori Spelling is pregnant with baby #3. I miss her show when it was just her and Dean going through "hell" due to their hectic schedules (and Dean's volcanic farting). I'll show you a hectic schedule. In strange couplings, party girl Kimberly Stewart is having Benicio Del Toro's spawn. Odd to think he's only a year old than I am and looks about 60. I had high hopes for his career.

All you new babymamas, remember to PUSH. Oh wait, you'll probably have scheduled C sections (Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact, it seems sane to Dish). Never mind.

Stinking Up the Place

Man fixing the shower at New York Sports Club. No shower for Dish after sweaty run. Save yourself.

My 24-year-old self cries at the news that Keanu and Charlize may go public as a couple. They had lovely chemistry in The Devil's Advocate and Sweet November, so I knew this would happen. My current self wants to see them photographed together--as they must be stunning--and wishes them every happiness.

One of the Sister Wives is preggo. Doesn't anyone worry about overpopulation? One is enough.

Dish is reading Stacy Shiff's Cleopatra: A Life. Today in faint parallels: Hot queen seduces older man, stealing him away from someone else. Uproar, as she amasses even more glory as major player in world events. Older man falls by the wayside--by stabbing or string of bad movies/decision that he's a musician. Hot queen seduces already taken man/heartthrob, bears his twins. Holy Isis-and-Osiris, it's Angelina! She's allegedly starring in the new Cleopatra flick--an obvious casting choice, except Cleo might not have been so hot as she was a master tactician. Don't think it would be a good movie, but HBO--for sure! Executive producers, remember the bombs, Troy and Alexander. Audiences aren't that keen to go so far back for 13$.

JetBlue: Damn you for your friendliness, plush seats and those little TVs. You got me hooked on Real Housewives of Orange County! I can't get enough of those plastic faces.

Last Day of Weekend, i.e. Sunday

Not much to report. I am still in Orlando, about to leave this paradise and return to the cold streets of New York. Biggest newsflash is that TG and I watched Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior and found it intensely boring (but the story was good). Janine Garafolo (sp.) is excellent but it's not the right vehicle for Forest Whitaker. Just zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Back to Vitamin D for me.

Secretly posted from TG's iPad

Taking a little break from vacation to report the news that Charlie Sheen bombed at Radio City Music Hall. Oh, thank goodness that the audience didn't celebrate crap as it sometimes does! Let's reject this LOSING mediocrity.

A moment of silence to mourn the passing of Sidney Lumet, one of Dish's favorites who brought us Network, The Verdict and The Wiz. Blessings on his coming and going.

The remake of Arthur has bombed. I don't know why this pleases me except that it should have starred Helen Mirren. It's too much the same as the original and Russell Brand can be annoying. Totally subjective.

Dish in-laws disgusted with tweens who have viral autotuned hits such as Jenna Rose and Rebecca Black. TG might make a video depicting and singing about his routine.

Very Fast Post

Dish is in Orlando, fast on the heels of Duran Duran. I have to put their current tour out of my mind.

Thoughts:
Do you think Donald Trump has a chance in hell if he runs on the GOP ticket?
Where did Orlando Bloom's career go?
I was disappointed by the boring-ness of last night's Real Housewives of New York City. Not surprised though. We've seen them all be awful. I might have to watch again to make sure it was bad.
Caught an hour of The Switch--not as bad as The Bounty Hunter. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Bateman are kind of sweet together.

Great strides:
Dish actually worked during a plane ride. For at least 90 minutes. I only squeezed TG's hand in a death grip upon landing. The flight was okay, though we were flying in a garbage can, and the attendants never gave us our promised cookies. Is this typical for Delta?

Boring Borgias?

Jeremy looks like Dr. Evil in this poster. Is this miniseries soporific or is my attention span gone? Summary: a bad guy becomes pope, like this is something new. Jeremy Irons is masterful, though, and I'm just bored. Maybe it's all the accents....Will retreat to utter depravity with Real Housewives of New York.

Here's a cute romantic dramedy TG will be forced to watch. Though we both love Steve Carrell. Can't tell if it'll be good, though. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDLhjm-0rJQ. Stick 'em on horses back 200 years ago and it might be innovative.

What the hell, Japan? Too much.

Baby, baby, baby

Such a fertile year, 2011. Tina Fey just announced on Oprah that she's got a funny bun in the oven. Then, Marishka Hargitay and her husband Peter Hermann just adopted their lovely baby, Amaya Josephine. Wonder what her last name will be--Hargitay-Hermann? Amaya Josephine Hargitay Hermann. Sounds like a song. Can TG write it?

Weiners

Boring Reichen from The A-List was caught showing off his ding-dong on a webcam. GROSS! And now it's everywhere. That's no way to keep your star bright, unless you want a career in the gutter.

Charlie Sheen apparently killed in his Cleveland show. But you know, Dish lived in Cleveland and it's a seedy, messed-up town. Just Charlie's speed.

I did some investigating and was crushed to learn no Jennifer Aniston moving into my relative's building. Possibly Glenn Close, Alec Baldwin or Katie Couric. Alec Baldwin was super-nice and chatty.

Shedding tears (of joy!) that Glenn Beck's Fox show ending (due to low ratings). Now he won't be misusing the term "Progressive" anymore.

This is the funniest damn thing, especially if you love Helen Mirren and you watched When Harry Met Sally... over and over again like Dish did circa 1989, then 1993: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0247468f28/when-harry-met-sally-2-with-billy-crystal-helen-mirren.

And if you kind of love Sarah Silverman every now and then: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqSwUoP1NK0.

Meredith Viera Leaving The Today Show?

But...but...she's a delight. Not that I watch The Today Show anymore since it doesn't carry any kind of news. Wonder if Meredith and Katie will go out for drinks to celebrate.

FYI--No one is watching Desperate Housewives anymore. Why? No hot sex. Anywhere.

Angelina has a seventh tattoo denoting Algeria on her list of kids. Baby #7? (Update: It's supposed to be Brad).

Hot in Death

Dish went to school with someone who's all over TMZ right now for doing something bad. Won't say who it is. But it's TERRIBLE.

Katie Couric is leaving her anchor spot at CBS and the rumor is that she'll be replaced by Scott Pelley. Thank God it's a man. I like my serious journalism delivered by an XY.

Motley Crue singer Vince Neil was charged with domestic violence for poking people with his finger. You might laugh but a well placed stiletto does more harm than a thick heel. Dish knows these things.

Dish review of Body of Proof: Dana Delaney plays a middle-aged-medical-yet-injured-workaholic-terror babe (female House), but I'd totally have coffee with her. Chemistry with hunky blond Simon Baker clone partner, which has never been done before! Dana's sleek hair brushes against corpse during sexy autopsy--so 19th century French though with woman as power-straddler over beautiful death. Now there's something for network news. Entertaining overall but BS.

Sleepless in New York

Desperate Housewives: Dishbrothersidekick and I moaned about wanting Teri Hatcher to die on the show but thanks to Paul Young doing an about-face and crying like a girl, she'll get the freaking kidney and continue to revile us all! She's ruined my life now three times. Has anyone seen the new Dana Delaney show?

When I heard about Snooki making 32K for spilling out of her dress, I thought, "How pathetic is Rutgers University?" Students must pay a mandatory fee for someone who is--yes, kind of adorable--but completely without talent? I then did a mental survey of famous people and so many lack talent. The administration of Rutgers should be ashamed. Maybe they'll bring in Charlie Sheen.

Dish suffers from vicious insomnia. It started when I hit double-digits, keeping one eye open in case a villain came to stab me in the night. At 35, like this was a magic age, I'd go three nights without more than 2 hours of sleep. I know when I wake up crying, I need to stop the world for a day. Usually on that day, something will buoy my spirits. Like today, I walked into the West Side Market and heard Duran Duran's "Save a Prayer" over the loudspeaker. God has spoken. Maybe tonight I'll sleep...

Where did the weekend go?

The big news is how Charlie Sheen bombed in Detroit. The TMZ blow-by-blow in Chicago doesn't sound much better. Dish knew all along this effort would fail. The problem is that Charlie isn't looking to entertain the masses. If so, he would have prepared a festival of delights to make people cheer and laugh. Charlie is in it to soak up the adoration he is sure exists. If he watched his webcasts, he would see how lame and boring they are. Refund the $$$, Charlie, or donate it to a worthier cause.

On a happy note, here is Duran Duran on Jimmy Fallon. Not literally on them, though now I have a perverted picture in my head: http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/video/Duran-Duran:-Hungry-Like-The-Wolf-%283/31/11%29/1317233.

Mr. Coulson Gets Married

Right now, Duran Duran must be finishing their show at Foxwoods. HELL! What did Dish do? Emptied boxes. Oh and was filmed to be on a wedding related website because not only are Dish and TG gorgeous, but the love story is beyond phenomenal. Poor TG didn't get to speak because I yapped my face off. Poor TG.

In 1999, if you knew Dish and most women in America who'd seen Never Been Kissed, Michael Vartan was the reason for many heavy sighs. That last kiss with Drew Barrymore...well, it still gives me goosebumps. I won't add that in 1999, I hadn't been on a date in almost three years (ExBF8 had left a nasty scar--now is a shrink in NYC, BEWARE!). Long story long, I adored Michael Vartan...until I realized he reminded me of Sniffles (ExBF4). I knew that if Michael and I had dated, I would have grown out of him within six months. After this epiphany, I instantly fell out of love for him. A moot point since I adore TG and Michael just got hitched today! Congratulations to the Vartans!

Charlie Sheen is probably done with his show in Detroit. Wonder what in blazes he yakked about for 75 minutes. Here's a performance:

So Many Stars, So Many Superior Genes Reproducing

Moving Day 2: Dish made a big stink about packing up everything but, as it turns out, TG did all the hauling. Oh, and Dishmama was our savior, carrying far more than she should have and whipping us into shape, then feeding us. How did I get so lucky? Except with Time Warner who won't give me a signal/cable/phone for the next five days. Grrrr. Well, Dish can always find a signal. Just no Desperate Housewives, B&S, and Nurse Jackie and Glee. F*CK!

Congratulations to Bones, who is carrying her first child. I almost think this celebrity-baby epidemic has to do with the apocalypse in 2012. We need the best and the most good looking to carry on.

A gush of love for Elton John who was charming on Jimmy Fallon's show.