Happy Hell-oween!

Halloween = Dish's fave holiday next to New Year's Eve but Dish is working tonight. All night. Some relief came in scarfing three mini-Snickers (food of Satan) and a buttload of Peanut M&Ms, then salivating over Stephen Colbert (also food of Satan).

I would report that I love Iron Man but haven't finished the flick yet. Tomorrow fer-sher. For now, I'm focusing on another superhero--aka "Superman," who might become BF18 if I can stop working. Super asked if I wanted to adopt a baby from Africa with him. He's going there on business, why not pick up a kid like Angelina? Merging our aesthetically pleasing gene pools would ensure a hideous child so why bother? Great idea.

Note to self: when a suitor brings up commitment first, it means later he'll blame silent Dish for trying to pressure him into marriage. No exceptions.

Big News!

Dish has little to say except Joaquin Phoenix announced he's quitting acting. I'd like to announce: I've sprouted itchy feathers from my butt. Also, I'd like to announce, I'll need to pee in the next ten minutes and when I grow up, I want to be a fireman and the tooth fairy and doesn't everyone have two careers and doesn't SOMEONE want to try again for an Oscar after not winning it for Walk the Line or Gladiator? Why announce you're quitting? Why not just do it? That's how I quit smoking (until P!nk makes me start again). Oh well, I do still love Joaquin's acting and am tired of actors who go the music route (Billy Bob Thornton, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, Eddie Murphy, Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves, Johnny Depp, Don Johnson, oh the list goes on forever!)

I'd Switch Sides For Her But It Might Make Me Start Smoking Again

P!nk has a new single out, So What. Her lyrics make me want to get a tattoo (maybe a stick-on). In her last couple albums she's tackled the silliness of celebrity and our current administration. Accompanying vids are hilarious and hit below the belt (in a good way). I would kill for her to play Janis Joplin but she says on The View that project isn't happening.

Long Live P!nk!

Huntington Learning Center

It kills me when that little redhead grabs her hair as she shouts, "Face it, I'm not getting into college!" When enraged (and redheads usually are with their stereotypical fiery tempers!), I always grab my hair. The sad thing, I've seen this commercial for the last 12 years I've been in NYC. Maybe it's one of those traditions? "I said I'd do better." "Saying it and doing it are two different things." "Maybe he'll outgrow it."

I just wanna say, "Face it, I'm a freaking idiot!", while pointing to my brains.

Beacon of Hope

Dish hates nothing more than the holidays (maybe pickled beets). The one bright light: Melrose Place might return! But please, don't let them screw it up with plastic wannabes that end all their sentences with question marks? I want the old 'tards from the show, like Grant Show, Josie Bissette, Daphne Zuniga, Billy, Heather Locklear, evil scheming Michael, and Courney Thorne-Smith! That may be too much to hope for...

Just watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4M5b8gvcp0&feature=related

You know you want it back.

Julia Haiku

Julia birthday!
Party crash, voulez-vous?
Cake it up, Pretty!

Laugh and teeth so big
Brown eyes dancing in the sun
Socially conscious

You’re forty-one now
Soon Clooney Pitt and Cruise age
All older than Dish

Happy birthday, Julia!

2008 is almost over--TGI2009?

With Jennifer Hudson's tragedies, the bad economy, celebrity DUIs, many divorces, f*ckface's motorcycle crash, the annoyingly long election, Heath Ledger's freaky death and other awful occurrences, this year has been mostly stinkola. Let's get through these last two months even if we have to crawl. I'm using every weapon I've got.

Another Gale Harold Dream

I'm lucky to dream about celebrities often. Even luckier to have GH grace my R.E.M. brain waves twice in one year. It happened because I fell asleep to an episode of QAF, the one where Brian loses money from the reopening of Babylon. In my dream: I'm walking around Soho, carrying my cellphone (two things I never do). GH calls me (for no reason) and we yak for about an hour as I'm walking. Fully recovered, he's in Russia, hanging out with his girlfriend Valerie (bitch!) and a guy friend. They're in Leningrad (!). We agree that we enjoy working during the summer when everyone's on vacation. We both just had birthdays in July.

I wake up a zombie then tried to recapture the impossible dream but the subconscious drifted to Kelly Ripa instead. Though that's always nice too...

Update: A dream expert informed Dish this nocturne-sojourn has nothing to do with Gale but everything to do with my dead First Love (who bore a striking resemblance to the actor, was very into Russia, and took Dish for frightening rides on his Yamaha in Ohio--NEVER AGAIN!). RIP, BK.

Notes on Desperate Housewives

Last night’s episode was the most fun I’ve had in ages. Fave moment: when Felicity Huffman threw the drink in Doug Savant’s face. I’ve always wanted to do that. The closest I came was spitting in my crush’s face when I was eighteen (Not my best flirtatious move. I blame it on too many white russians).

Enjoyed the heightened romantic tension between That Woman and Jackson (Beloved GH—who wore another cool shirt, though a hefty bag would fall nicely on him too). Am still freaked by his niceness but happy he got to kiss Dana Delaney. That would be such a coup if I were an actor.

I am growing to cherish Eva Longoria-P. Maybe because she’s fatter? She does that part so well and I love it when she slaps her gyno twice. Hmmm. I’m noticing a trend here. I have a shelf full of unused wine glasses and an unblemished white wall…Now I just need someone to piss me off.

XOXOX

Some people get smacked around by life too often. I try to imagine what it must be like to lose a mother and brother--it makes me want to pop pills. Thoughts and prayers to Jennifer Hudson and her family.

Simon Le Bon is 50!

Happy Birthday, Mr. Le Bon. When I was 14, I remember seeing your age and thinking, "Wow, he's old as f*ck." Now, well, I'm thinking the same thing! But you certainly give good concert and rock it like a 24-year-old.

Living for a Day

I pass over excellent actors sometimes. It's like when you avoid the super-interesting geeks to flirt with the vacant stud who's scratching himself at the dance. It took me 70 years to watch On the Waterfront since I was more mesmerized by Keanu Reeves as he slid under a moving bus in Speed. I wanted to make sure he delivered the line "Give me your hand" perfectly. (Not that Keanu is vacant. Oh god, I'm sorry!) I knew Marlon Brando could act.

If it weren't for JJ's recommendation, I wouldn't have watched Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day. I'm so glad I did. The brilliant (and frightening) Amy Adams flashes those marble blue eyes and gasps throughout. She's like a younger To Die For Nicole Kidman on coke. As for Frances McDormand, I keep forgetting how superb she is in Fargo, that she has the most important dialogue in Something's Gotta Give, and how she brings beauty to new levels--adding a hypervigilance in her characterization, as well as impishness. In this Cinderella story, she's pure pleasure and Ciaran Hinds gives hope that middle-aged men without chins can be swoonworthy romantic heroes. (He doesn't scratch himself once!) I'm so ready for the soup kitchen if it lands me a rich lingerie and sock-making BF (sorry, ExBF17X2 and Superman). Maybe I'm better off on the streets. I think soup is a bunch of bs.

My First Michelle Obama Dream (on Hillary's Birthday)!

I've enjoyed Michelle Obama throughout the campaign so I was horrified by last night's dream. It involves celebrities so must share: I hung out at my farm house (um, okay) with all my horses (not a horse girl) where there was a school, rallies, and area for speechifying. The Obamas were about to appear but I had this amazing idea. Since Michelle Obama was in my employ (???), I decided it would be fun to fire her. We sat in a room and I did a grand Bette Davis performance as I let her go. She had no reaction but at the end, asked if she could leave since she had to join her husband on the campaign trail. By all means, leave, I said, waving my invisible cigarette. The second she left, I had this TERRIBLE feeling and ran after her. No! I had fired her for no reason except to see if I could act. I really *did* love her. As I scampered around the farmhouse, I ran into my friend Tash, fellow cougar babe and my partner in most evil schemes. She giggled over my fake firing of Michelle Obama but understood if I needed to make amends. In the end, I never found Michelle but after four months with no candidate, I finally know how I will vote. Maybe my psychotic subconscious sadism helped me decide. In the end, as with all important matters, I'm putting it in Cher's hands.

Update: Dish's dream expert says, based on this freak-reverie, Dish is a crazy b*tch.

3:14 a.m.

What do Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley have in common? A cheesy ad for Total Gym. Step away from the computer. It's 3:15 a.m... Watching Becker and am mesmerized by Ted Danson's chestnut toup.

Feast of Bad Red Wine

I often vow never to watch another Morgan Freeman movie again. Guaranteed, there'll be a voiceover with kindly Morgan unraveling the events of the day and morals of man. In Feast of Love, he does just this and I gobble it up again (helps if you have wine). You kinda love him anyway and wish he were your grampa advising you against making adult videos with your boyfriend (FYI, Mom--Dish wouldn't dare!). It's okay if you fall in love with another girl, as Selma Blair does, leaving Greg Kinnear broken hearted. You have to jump back into love, Morgan urges. It's around this time my beef chow fun threatens to repeat. Sorry, Morg, but I'm no longer an advocate for love. If one has to be 40, might as well have (beef chow) fun. Feast on that!

Happy Birthday, JJ!!

The most important celebrity in any girl's life is her hairguru. Lucky for Dish, that one is also a dear friend and the object of my undying infatuation. JJ has knocked sense into me when I've needed it; I love it when he yells at me and calls me the C word. He threatens me, abuses me when I tip too much, sends me interesting photos of people from funny websites, and makes me go with him to CVS to get paper towels (okay, that was only once but I just wanted to be with him longer). He's the only one I know who's had a real Gale Harold sighting and called me at 8:30 a.m. the second it happened. JJ always looks good, which is most important. He's the devil on everyone's shoulder, but at heart, an angel.

Happy Birthday to JJ (who should be receiving something via delivery)! I'm so glad you're in this world!

Super Interesting Headline

What's in the news? Lindsay Lohan allegedly got fired from Ugly Betty. Both sides say it's the other's fault. Well, if I'd spent so much time misbehaving, I would bend over backwards (!) to be saintly. Nothing would get me fired. It's called having a WORK ETHIC. If America Ferrera wanted to short-sheet my bed, I'd let her and then I'd do everything I could to get on her good side. Once I'd re-amassed my power, I'd rig cans of paint to fall on her head during a hot date--but not a second before. Every fall-out has two versions, but I gotta go with America on this one. I did love Lindsay in The Parent Trap, though.

Other less important news: Dish has a date with Superman tomorrow--though he claims not to be able to leap tall buildings. Landmark moment: It's the first time in 24 years Dish will date someone who is the prettier one. Let's hope I can stand everyone NOT staring at me. What can I say? I'm crying tears of joy. (Unless he's a Ted Bundy type--in which case, crap! And Dish Brother is my beneficiary and gets all my really interesting diaries)

What Will Happen on DSM TONIGHT?

Last we heard, Letitia got out of jail, Billy Baldwin is mourning the loss of his beautiful he-she, Nick is head of the company, Karen is a slut, Jeremy is a slut, his twin sister is "somewhere," and Tripp (aka that hunka hunka Donald Sutherland) is really into enunciation and his Colonel Sanders white hair.

Here are my wishes:

Nick and his wife's marriage will fall apart and she'll find out she's pregnant. I'm so bored with them. Nick's getting together with Karen would bore me too. Maybe Nick should have a three-way with Blair Underwood AND Karen!

Tripp and Letitia need to have a hot rendezvous on some dining room table and get caught. Geriatric sex is so in now. Hello, Something's Gotta Give and any movie with Helen Mirren.

I already love the bastard Darling/ex-priest. He's so uptight and insane. Everything he does causes me discomfort. What a great actor.

Lucy Liu's character needs to be more interesting. She always plays the ballbuster. In Cashmere Mafia (which tanked and was kinda stinky), you could see a few other dimensions so I hope the writers can develop her.

Stay tuned tonight!

I Had a Dream...ABOUT OBAMA!

I've been conflicted about my vote. I mostly hate people telling me WHO I HAVE to vote for. Like it's obvious to me since it's obvious to them and let's ignore all the bad things that happened in this campaign. I've hated the hate on both sides. My righteous yet eternally defeatist party has become more hate-filled in the last eight years (who can blame us) so the choice hasn't been obvious to me. I hate being bombarded on the street by people who say my vote should be obvious. Don't tell me not to live just sit and putter, suckas.

I went to bed worried about getting up in time for my flu shot. [insert dreamy haze] While knitting an afghan, Dish watched Obama tend to his grandmother. He seemed content but worried. Suddenly, I started talking about the election, what I thought about everything. "That's fine, Ginger. You're entitled to think," he responded. "But right now, I'm taking care of my grandmother." (Sweet! He called me Ginger. That is so my fantasy stripper name.) Don't know why, but I woke up happy. I'm still conflicted, but I hope more subtle signs (not the screaming in my ear) like this lead me to a rational choice in the voting booth.

It's Tuesday

It's not the end of the week yet, but Dish is raising a glass anyway that:

1. Madonna and Guy have a quick divorce and the kids don't get screwed up over it.
2. Gwyneth Paltrow eats more than just yogurt on her new reality show.
3. Gale Harold recovers from all injuries magically, like Blade when he gets pummelled and shot and is just fine.
4. Tea and David have a quick divorce and the kids don't get screwed up over it--especially if Tea is dating less-attractive-though-more-talented-than-DD Billy Bob Thorton.
5. The (Devil) Rays win the World Series (though I have no idea who else is playing and who cares about the National League anyway).
6. Katie Holmes amazes people that she can do more than be married to Tom Cruise.
7. That Obama's grandmother is okay.
8. Someone cool is on Law & Order: SVU tonight.
9. I can finish today's NYT crossword in pen (though it's only Tuesday).

ps. Special Dish thank you to Becca for her generosity.

Sick and the City

Insomnia sux! After three days of sleeplessness due to singleton-guilt (ExBF17 is now ExBF17 X 2), Dish woke up with the mother of all head colds (okay, maybe the grand-niece with the promise of strep). The drama subsided as I revisited an old favorite Along Came Polly. No, I'm not a Ben Stiller fan, but Sandy Lyle is Phillip Seymour Hoffman's greatest role. I might have said this around October of last year, too. Dish is repeating, just like the spaghetti I had for dinner.

Today's excitement: J.J. (see link at greekkid) spotted Annette O'Toole on the Upper West Side. As I choked down aspirin, I tried to starspot at Le Pain Quotidien but celebs usually enter sans sequins, making them harder to detect. My eyes are hazy anyway from scribbling about gay vampire sex (about which I know nothing). Isn't that what writers do--make sh*t up?

Star Sighting!!!

18th and 8th, 1:05 pm: How unfair that I run into stars when I'm stinking from a workout! Worst of all, I run into Cheyenne Jackson, only the most compelling Broadway actor/singer ever. He's sleek and tall, with those intense laser eyes. He walked into my fave local resto with two equally tall gentlemen. I ran home to hyperventilate over this spectacular Sunday sighting.

Our Baby's Gonna Make It

While news of imaginary boyfriend Gale Harold's recovery is scant (damn you, Madonna and Obama), it seems he'll pull through. Dish lit a pink Fierce Naked Woman candle (it was only one not clogged with dust) for his healing. I secretly fantasized about sending flowers but that seemed stalkerish and how ABSURD in this economy. Even my friends/relatives aren't getting squat until things pick up. Then I thought, maybe I'll make a donation to Mothers Against Celebrities Who Ride Motorcycles in Gale's name. Again, Dish is not rich. I'll continue to send Gale the healing vibes of Green Tara.

When Purple Violets Found Me

I have a love/hate thing for Edward Burns. Hate his squeaky Mickey Mouse voice and writing but love how he portrays women in his movies. He seems to love them: See Lauren Holly, Maxine Bahns, Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz, Rosario Dawson, Heather Graham. He lets actresses go outside of their usual places. Last night, I viewed Purple Violets, which featured Selma Blair. She's electric in comedies but in this so-so flick she shines as a dramatic actress. The camera catches her nuanced performance and she transforms mundane/sometimes-unreal dialogue into something special. The men in Burns's movies are mostly caricatures and I cringed at Donal Logue's super-fake British accent. Another thing I love about EB is that he delves into New York relationships. So yeah, worth a rent if you want a dishy relationship movie (and if you enjoy staring at Patrick Wilson).

Because I ran five miles, I treated myself to And Then She Found Me, a project by Helen Hunt. A little jewel of a movie, mostly due to Bette Midler and Colin Firth's buoyant performances. It has lovely moments along with the quirky indie shtick where people act strangely for no reason. I have new respect for Helen Hunt as a director (not my fave actress, though I heart her in Mad About You--and secretly What Women Want, which I never watch whenever it's on TV because I'm protesting Mel Gibson's anti-semitic behavior except for Lethal Weapon). Salman Rushdie has a cameo as an obstetrician and you *know* he just wanted to squirt ultrasound jelly on Helen Hunt's tummy. Talk about caricatures.

So, that's the dish. Other than I might have seen a celeb at the nail salon today when Dish-Mama and I were beautifying, but can't place her yet.

Soap Star Sighting

6:50 p.m., 8th Avenue and 17th Street: You may see him as "that handsome gentlemen with a perpetual twinkle in his eye". Dish sees him as that foxy scot on General Hospital twenty years ago! Freshly shimmering with sweat, I exited my gym and gasped as Duke Lavery (aka the great Ian Buchanan) sidled past me. He is one dishy buck.

ExBF17 says he had a star sighting today: a gay Irish actor, on stage all the time, everyone knows him, dark hair. SORRY! Insufficient detail--that could be ANYONE on my block.

Almost Forgot: Hurray! Madonna Comes Home!

Well, let's hope anyway. I don't love divorce, but could see this one from miles away eight years ago. She belongs in NYC--where we promise not to call her "Madge!"

Thank you, Whoopi

On today's The View, the great Whoopi Goldberg called attention to the misogyny in the political campaign on BOTH SIDES, though for me, I noticed more of it from fellow Democrats. This is why I'm going to join another party (who cares). While I despise the clawing on The View and it reveals a toxic female dynamic, I love Elisabeth Hasselbeck's presence. She is tough, stays informed and expresses her opinions. She may offend, but she represents a crucial demographic in the country. If we're REALLY the land of the free, she--and Palin--are just as valid as Whoopi (though of course, if I were stuck on a deserted island, I sure would rather have Whoopi with me) and Hillary. Not a perfect comparison, but hey, I'm just a girl.

My stomach just went cold

Just read that Gale Harold was in a motorcycle crash yesterday and is in ICU!!!! Dear God, please please please let him be okay. It's all I ask...

Update: Dish should worry about world hunger and tonight's debate, which will no doubt discuss things we haven't ever heard before, but Gale is the ultimate focus. It all starts with one, right? So he has a fractured shoulder and brain swelling. Honestly, I think he'll be fine because my brain is often swollen--with love for him! Should I be killed for wondering if doctors will shave his head? It doesn't matter--Gale would rock a donkey costume. Moral of the story: If you're on a hit show, don't get on a motorcyle. Leave that to Keanu Reeves.

L&O: SVU Note

Dear Crazy Daughter of Detective Stabler:

You are INSANE TO CHOOSE JAIL OVER THE NUTHOUSE!!! Sure, it gives Chris Meloni the fabulous chance to punch things over having batsh*t spawn. But think of it: In jail, you get stabbed on your way to lunch. In the nuthouse: YOU GET FREE MEDS!!! At least you have the greatness of Ellen Burnstyn to balance out the lame genes!

xoxoDish

Vantage Point

Thought it would be a scam of a movie. Ooooh, freaky time switch, lots of POVs, cool stars, politics. I resisted for as long as I could but the lure of explosions, people running for cover, and overall mayhem drew me like peanut butter to my jiggly freckled butt. Violence on film soothed my stomach and waylayed my hating ways. Matthew Fox stood for evil instead of eating goody goody dirt each week on Lost. Forest Whitaker played a troubled man on the brink of divorce (feel close to him since we share a birthday). And could Dennis Quaid make me cry any harder? He's so the rugged savior who never expects accolades (just greasy pole dancers in pearl thongs). I remember him most as ExBF16's man-crush. Those were the days. Sniff. It's just allergies.

Star Sighting

4:50 pm, 18th and 7th: Dish saw JJ in a smashing black and white shirt, looking side to side and completely oblivious to my presence. He sashayed around the corner like a supermodel with an extra dose of Eff You, Biches. Because am nursing a stomach thing, couldn't chase after him, but I was tempted!!!

Shocking...

Poor poor family of actor Guillaume Depardieu, who died of sudden pneumonia. He was such fun (he's so beautiful) to watch in movies. Very sad.

Hot Dogs

Notes on Desperate Housewives:

Contained a paucity of Gale Harold (Way to show off Mensa IQ, Dish!).

Enjoying Edie's freaky-eyed husband--but mostly all the bike riding.

Bree: You are so pale. Though now I know what I'll look like in five years (not a word, JJ or Patrick).

I could see the Damien-child's barfing from a mile away. Vegetarians always have upset stomachs when they eat meat. Some of us get upset stomachs even when we eat spicy salad bar sausage (but we eat it anyway).

When your spouse wants to play in a band, there is nothing you can do to stop him. All instruments are extensions of the most important part of their lives. Flash of Ross's keyboarding on Friends. The bad middle-aged garage band might be a cliche. This whole paragraph is a cliche. This blog is a cliche.

Thought Eva LP gave an especially good performance when she was drinking with Susan post girl-fight.

Star Sighting

19th and 7th, 2:15pm: I was getting some acidophilus to flush out toxic friendship when lo I passed Gilbert Gottfried. With buzzed hair, he resembled a cranky koala bear. So cute and cuddly, but she might have claws.

It made me wonder: In thirty years, when great originals go to comedy heaven, who will make us laugh (though I never got GG or John Belushi, I know I should die for admitting this)? I just hope Stephen Colbert lives forever.

Speaking of comedy, I'm about to view Steven Seagal's Out for a Kill (sequel to Out to Kill?), where he swallows a buffalo and enlists a representative from all ethnicities to recover a golden Buddha from a terrorist's ass. Just kidding. Loves ya, SS!!!

Uma Thurman Is Brilliant

On a tip from Dish-brother, I watched Hysterical Blindness. Uma and I have had a rocky relationship because she's so tall and beautiful, was the babe who stole my high school crushes, is nearly my age, rich, gorgeous, and a moviestar. But that envy went out the window when she married Ethan Hawke. And she's been off my radar until now. Uma is freaking amazing in this flick and she rendered me uncomfortable throughout. Every girl can identify with her character's desperation. Juliette Lewis and Gena Rowlands also landed fabulous performances. It's well worth a rent and will make your shrine to Uma shine that much more. Ooops, didn't she just deal with that horrible stalker? I didn't mean shrine or anything stalkerish. I simply want everyone to rejoice in her talent.

In other news, a sighting: last night Dish, Dish-brother, Dish-brother-step, and Dish-brother-step-wife were crossing 13th and Greenwich Ave at about 9 pm when we saw Dean Winters (Real name? Sounds a little fake to me) whistling for a cab. I had no idea who he was since I haven't watched Oz. But he's a celeb so now I'll do extensive research...

L&O Dish

A week ago, my friend Kevin filmed an episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent near Union Square. Said Jeff Goldblum worked with him and couldn't have been lovelier. Dish has worshipped Jeff since the remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. And on Broadway a few years ago, he stole The Pillowman away from everyone else he was so brilliant. I'm thrilled that he's on L&O: CI because now I'll watch it again! JG is that peculiar cute nerd you decided to make out with at a party because you were drunk but then you actually fell in love with him.

I like how shows are populating the cast with real acting veterans: Jeffy, Jill and Donald on DSM. Keep the crones and the OMPs coming! I'm sick of the new breed of sameness (or maybe I'm getting old).

A special outpouring of love (courtesy of the frozen Snickers I ate for lunch) goes to Robin Roberts and her new book From The Heart. She rocked The View today. I adore her and Diane Sawyer on GMA. Two female cohosts--and so much more fun than Today.

Passing Thought

Dish is late dishing. Went to see live jazz, which is so out of character. Who cares about music aside from Duran Duran, UB40, Milli Vanilli, and Big Country? I'm now a convert but only because it will get me on someone's good side.

My celebrity thought: The world doesn't have enough Carson Kressley. Really, he makes everything more fun.

Kiss Me, You Environmentally Conscious Teenage Boy

Don't know about you but I'm itching to see Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio reunite in Revolutionary Road. Like everything else in existence, it's getting Oscar buzz, but the trailer is kinda good. So angsty and tragic, with lots of crying and hissies thrown by everyone, Dish can't wait!

That and The Spirit are this season's must sees. (Screw election, baseball postseason and football!).

Filling Up The World

Notes on Desperate Housewives:

It's killing me that Gale Harold (aka F*ckface, damn that ExBF17 for making a nickname stick) plays such a nice guy. It might even make my love grow. Here and there, you see glimpses of the badness. I enjoyed his white shirt. Boys have the coolest clothes.

Some people's faces are falling off. I won't name names. Mine is held up by clothespins so I get it.

Felicity Huffman and Doug Savant's relationship tickles me and I loved that last night's show went Oedipal. I wish my dad had been curious enough about my teen craziness to make up an identity and flirt with me on the Internets.

Celebrity News:

If you believe anything in the tabloids, Brangelina claim to want more children. As a bitter shrew who will probably never have kids (unless I get knocked up, which could happen), I say ADOPT. Children are a blessing (some are little sh*ts, admit it) but overpopulation is a serious problem, likely what will cause The End. I know this because one science person told me, so it must be true.

Actually The End is that I've run out of Chivas and I'm too tired to leave my apartment...

4 Minutes Until DH--and Gale Harold

I survived the Staten Island Ferry. The fact that I boarded a boat makes it official that I am sort of admitting that maybe I might be dating a human even though it's not at all appropriate for my life. I'll go with the flow (though I'm happiest about the chocolate mousse and GH on DH coming up in a few).

Right now, I'm watching Valentine, a vapid cute-fest. Dish loves the gods and goddesses of old but this show is a little stinky. Jeremy Piven was more entertaining in Cupid many years ago. This current fiasco stars the talented actor, Kristoffer Polaha, who played John-John a few years ago, as Eros and all sorts of love hijinks. Finally, the arts are no longer portraying Eros as a cherub with an arrow. If you've read The Golden Ass by Apuleius (not gay porn), Eros is a hot stud who will make you hurt with love. I'm not feeling it from this show, though the casting of Eros and Aphrodite is decent.

Dish's suffering ends in four minutes. What will Susan's painter do this time?

Out of My Mind with Duran Duran ESPness

DISH IS BUSTING A SPLEEN!

Because it's been four months since I've seen them in concert, I was missing my boys. Only to find out today: THEY ARE COMING TO THE US AGAIN!

Dish is scrambling to get tix to one of the NJ shows. Now if only I could get my first backstage pass in 40 years. No...that's too much to hope for. (And I would need a big drink and pills beforehand---just kidding, Dish secretly has nerves of steel).

Which Witch?

In The Witches of Eastwick, Dish is totally the Susan Sarandon witch (but wanting to be Cher). My nightmare is teaching middle school band but as with Susan, pulling my hair back tight, slipping on glasses provides excellent armor against the rigors of everyday life. Which witch are you? On a Saturday afternoon and as I still sported inexplicable rage, this fluffy flick kept my mind off the blasted ferry schedule. The best part of the movie: when the amazing Veronica Cartright blurts out in church, "Whores!"

Dish's first wave of madness hit this morning, so I slipped in High Art, where Ally Sheedy proved what a good actress she is (and kinda hot, too!). ExBF11 said the best makeout session he ever witnessed was Ally and her boyfriend going at it in the parking lot of the Northshire Bookstore in Vermont. He maintains it lasted for about half an hour. Wow. Broad daylight, famous, and in a parking lot--that's impressive.

Whores!

Cranky Pants

Ever have a day when a nasty person speaks to you the wrong way and you want to pull out a shotgun? Or at least say, "Get your bony ass out of my sight." That's Dish this Friday. Any number of things could have helped: the nice boy who opened a door for me, the coconut macaroon I scarfed after a grueling workout, Dr. Phil's gentle ministrations with a troubled family, a phone call from a celeb. Dish is still in Bitchtown (population: me).

Maybe it's that I have to take the Staten Island Ferry this weekend. Like Samantha on SATC, I don't do burrough (anymore) and have added to my forbidden zones anything above 96th Street on either side. Watching Melanie Griffith in Working Girl might get me across that Superfreak of a river (don't tell me it's an ocean). Perhaps, too, if I get myself some Pall Malls and a tall beer, it'll ease my discomfort.

Happy Birthday, Peter!

Peter was born 25 (who loves you?) years ago, making Earth a better place. I met him for the first time four years ago as he shuffled from room to room getting ready for a party. Handsome, super-friendly, creative, energetic, he's important not only because of who he is, but also because he makes J.J. happy, which means J.J. won't shave my head in a fit of rage. Dish was most impressed seeing Peter in The Producers on Broadway and then his one-man show Clown. Now I'm lucky to hang with him and his hubby J.J. on nights when I'd normally be playing computer solitaire. Happy Birthday, Peter! You rock everyone's world!

SPOILER ALERT:
Speaking of world rocking, Dirty Sexy Money was outrageous last night. ExBF17 had to visit (such is the power of Dish) but he was again instructed to be quiet, no idiotic comments, no dissing anyone on the show. Sadly, ExBF17 predicted each event before it happened, but redeemed himself by providing nasty dirt on Blair Underwood. I'm still reeling with afterglow from Billy Baldwin's wife's tirade and her surprising yet satisfying death via failed Psycho shower sabotage. That's the best way to kill off a nasty spouse who keeps you from your he-she girlfriend. My fave part of the night: When Blair said, "I love you" to Karen and she said, "Thanks!" (Way to keep the upper hand, Karen!) What an ending: Laetitia Darling led away in handcuffs. I know my Jill could chew through steel to get free! Or at least freeze Lucy Liu off the show.

Because Dish likes to be literary, here's a tip from my famous reading couch: Phyllis Curott's The Love Spell--buy it, own it, live it (take hot lavender, sage, peppermint baths and dream of James Dean). Dish loves witchiness and Phyllis writes an enchanting "erotic memoir of spiritual awakening."

I'm Just Saying...

Don't you think Jill would totally win? See below.

Hot Daddy Donald and Jonesing for Jill

Dish is hyped for Dirty Sexy Money, where Donald Sutherland brings back sexy to TV. He is hot hot hot and no one's voice turns Dish into a puddle faster (well, there is one voice). With Mercury in Retrograde, my computer and I-Pod freaking out faster than me on a plane nestled between two screaming kids (I love kids just not on a plane), I'm so into tonight's premiere.

But you know, I'd like to gush about Jill Clayburg. Her singing warmed me through middle school when I played "Kind of Woman" from Pippin over and over. In my callback for the part of Ado Annie in Oklahoma, I sang that song. Wrong key for Dish and I lost the part to skinny blond Denise (who was sorta perfect, actually) but I treasure Jill. She brings life to all her roles, yes, even as the mother in Fools Rush In. I remember her sauntering around in her underwear in An Unmarried Woman, loving her husband who had just cheated on her. She gets through the divorce and finds herself fabulous without the mans. She is beautiful and talented--by no means everyday or customary. Just your average ideal.

ps. Plus, if Jill's pointy nose got into a swordfight with Kate Walsh's pointy nose, Jill wouldn't totally kick Kate's Private Practice butt.