The Steps to Losing Fame

As I watched the new season of Rock of Love, my gag reflex came out of hiding. Poor semi-bloated 80s rocker Brett Michaels needs to have a reality show where he can get laid as much as possible long after his professional heyday. The candidates don't seem to have passed the eighth grade and the amount of money spent on implants would feed a small country. It made me sad, mostly because the reality show craze seems focused on 1. making nobodies famous for two minutes--usually while embarrassing themselves 2. a convenient way for hasbeens to reclaim glory. I pondered further and came up with key steps stars follow in their downfalls, including desperate attempts to get back that fame instead of accepting gracefully that those fifteen minutes are GONE!

Here's what happens to famous people:

1. Reach peak freakishly
2. Lavish in fame, look gorgeous, stay single in public eye
3. Naked pics leak?
4. Media turns on you or gets bored
5. Date/get married far too soon; laughable how wrong this spouse is for you
6. After wedding spread, media gets bored again but looks for "bump"
7. Next album/TV show/film bombs heinously
8. Quick fix with new album/show/film--no one cares
9. Rumors of drugs/alcohol/eating disorder
10. Sex tape leaks around time of movie release
11. Coy appearance on talk show explaining self
12. Backfires, more boredom
13. Rehab
14. Years spent in strange oblivion, maybe adopt a child?
15. Act New Agey/discover Jesus/join AA or Church of Scientology in order to network
16. Bad plastic surgery, mocked
17. Back into rehab
18. Appearance on family type show or Lifetime movie--not your best work but pays bills.
19. Busted for DUI
20. Given reality show which lasts two minutes or however long you want to practice acquiring STDs--wearing strange wig is key to keeping attention off puffiness!
21. If female, this is the long road to death; If male, you marry second wife who is twenty-three (and get a reality show spinoff).
22. Seclusion until fun cameo appearance--outrageousness forgotten! Offered substantial part as old fart, entertainment show host, grandmother, quirky over the hill broad--possible freakish award nomination.
23. Second face lift and butt fat put into lips.

Or some such...I fully realize my peak was reached at age 13 when I won a big award at school. The entire auditorium stood and cheered, my family was there, the papers covered my amazingness, and I was a star.