The Title Is in Good Hands!

Thank you, Donald Trump, for bringing us the first ever Miss USA who is handy with a stripper pole. I'm hanging and writhing on her every word, so was excited by what she said on the Wendy Williams Show, "We have to bring the economy up to life."

We're all a-stir about whether or not Lindsay Lohan will complete her alcohol education classes and show up for court in time. She's been vodka-guzzling in Cannes and now Precious can't get back home and has to miss her courty-wourty appearance.

You know, Dish used to teach high school and there were a ton of Lindsays. "Sorry, Miss Dish, I can't do this assignment because of all of the following..."

1. My unable-to-focus disorder was at an all-time high.
2. My parents took me to a spa, and they wouldn't let me do my work there.
3. I did the homework at the kitchen table this morning, but then the dog vomited on it and once I cleaned it up and recopied it, I was late to school because the car broke down so I called the cops and one of them almost raped me and I had to call my parents who were upset and took me to the doctors and he said I had trauma disorder so I need an extension?
4. I didn't understand your directions.
5. My other teachers don't give this much work.
6. I'm never going to use this in the future so why do I have to do this?

Because Dish says so. The problem isn't Lindsay so much as, like many of my former students, SHE HAS THE WORST PARENTS IN THE WORLD. They think their children are allowed second, third, twentieth chances and should still get the D minus-minus instead of an F. This is why America now thrives on mediocrity. Lindsay is a full-fledged adult so it's her responsibility to shape up. I hope the judge throws the book at her.

In happier but a little strange news, the Travoltas are pregnant (how did that happen?). Kind of nice and gives 40-something babes hope that reproduction is still possible.