Dear Demi and Ashton,
Open letters to the stars are the thing these days, so here goes: I was born in Ohio during a time that could only be described as volatile. LBJ might have been in office, but I'd have to Wikipedia that. The riots in Paris turned students into warriors. On the blessed day of my birth, my mother cried because I was so ugly, though I would turn into a beauty weeks later when my head regained a normal shape. Ever since, I've given my family such joy--Oh wait, this is not about me. Demi and Ashton, I don't care about the cheating rumors or the media's promise of more scandals. Please stop making sh*tty movies! I lost ninety minutes from The Joneses and, Ashton, following you on Twitter has made my life hell. Katharine Hepburn vomited from her grave over Guess Who, as did Sidney Poitier even though he's still alive. I enjoy you both and have seen potential come to life. Demi, your movies have been iconic--from your overalls in Ghost to your sexually harassing Michael Douglas in Disclosure. Your voice and inky black hair are the stuff of legend. And Ashton, Punk'd is beyond brilliant (waiting for you to land a great role in a movie). I hope you work out your problems since you're a nice couple. Do better projects so that I can praise you.