Brad Pitt Is a Vampire...

...because he hasn't aged a day since Interview with a Vampire. It's a real treat to watch some of the industry's worst acting--and yet, everyone in the cast has done good work in ensuing years, just not in that sh*tfest. Would love a do-over where Brad and Tom roll around in bed, locking red eyes and saying poetic vampire things.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Not sure I can take another housewife after the deplorable D.C. version and the skankiness of New Jersey. Poor New Jersey, a beautiful state that gets a bad rap in the media. Now Beverly Hills. Dish will give this one a chance ONLY because I want to support Camille Grammer. That first episode better be dazzling.

I was excited to see Machete because it combined people I love, like Robert DeNiro and Steven Seagal (pre-sexual harassment allegations). The trailers turn me off and the flick looks way overdone: slick, look at me, with a cool factor that's so cool it's uncool. Lindsay Lohan as a nun with tongue licking a blade--child's play. Get Maggie Smith and maybe I'll play your weird reindeer games.

Julia!

Dish was feeling a little down today until seeing Julia Roberts in a bikini on p. 15 of the Post. Thanks, Splash photogs! Sunshine burst through the clouds, people held hands around a giving tree and the world thrived once more. I'm no lez, but I do appreciate over-40 babes flaunting their wares.

Dish looks exactly like this in a bikini, except 5 inches shorter and a little fatter.

Why I Can't Be Vegetarian: Bacon

Emmy wrapup: By 9:30, I started to doze. Too many stupid Twitter comments, cheesy presenter sexual innuendo, the guitar bs, and the inane questions to nominees who are not glamorous actors. A fine f*ck-up by the writer of Modern Family and we know who's a big cheater. Fun show, though, Fallon was better than expected, and our darling, talented bear Eric Stonestreet won! Of course, I nearly fainted with excitement over Jane Lynch in a fabulous gown. Dresses: Going out on a limb to say my favorite of the night was January Jones, who rocked that scaly blue Versace contraption. She just looked pretty with the blue and non-shelaqued hair. Most of the black gowns were drab, except for Edie Falco, Susan Sarandon and Julia Louise Dreyfus. Lots of worthy winners. TG got misty over seeing his new BFF Will Arnett as a presenter. He had that glaze one can only attribute to a CAIT (celebrity-aholic-in-training).

Attention, ladies: According to the Post, Tiger Woods is moving to downtown Manhattan. Yeah, that doesn't do anything for me either.

What else is new: My legs looked good today and so I ordered a grilled cheese from my new favorite cafe, Westville. You must go there. They specialize in vegetables, which are delicious, but suspect they're all fried in bacon fat.

Emmy, Emmy, Emmy!

Emmys so far:

Jimmy Fallon is a much better host than I thought!

I heart Jane Lynch more than life itself. She looks great in a track suit and a gown!

So adorable to see Betty White grinding against Jon Hamm.

Great film clips.

I feel bad but I'm feeling personal backlash against Ryan Murphy for screwing up Eat Pray Love. By contrast, Glee is fabby.

HURRAY FOR EDIE FALCO in Nurse Jackie!

So far very happy for everyone. Even TG is enjoying it.

Why are the Emmys so much more fun than the Golden Globes and the Oscars? Maybe because TV stars aren't as full of themselves?

Coke You Wish Your Girlfriend Were Hot Like Me

Paris was arrested on cocaine possession. I'm sure it's all a big mistake. TG says she's excellent in House of Wax. We need her back where she belongs. She's proof that anyone can be famous. Poor Paris. Why was she named Paris anyway? Is that where her parents conceived her? How many children are named Exit 5 to Danbury?

Today's thought: I'm 42 and missing those days when I could easily fall asleep. Today I saw a sleep-deprived mother of a newborn and thought that a child might cure my insomnia. Great idea! I'll name him/her Seventh Avenue Dishenstein.

TGITG!

Since when does anyone want to watch Bristol Palin? She may be spun sugar but why did Dancing With the Stars hire her? I'm already asleep. This makes me want to commit a drastic act. How can Dish ever compete? I console myself that Lindsay Lohan is back on the streets and will, no doubt, give tabloids something to write about. I can hear the stillness before all hell breaks loose.

Speaking of hell: In the world of Dish, the past few months have been marked by evil. We all come across losers, but more obnoxious are the angry ones who live to spew on happy people. They drain your energy and suck precious oxygen, kicking you like Hotch kicked Dr. Reid on an episode of Criminal Minds. To all these angry losers who enjoy making others feel bad: Blow it out your kazoos.

I know, very Un-Julia, except for when she wore that mean T-shirt while Danny was trying to get divorced.

The Tired Fiancés

TG and I are exhausted from life--so much wedding, drama, work and not enough Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and cupcakes from Kitchenette. We're (He's) cooking turkey chili and escaping the world with Criminal Minds. But before that, I must report some peculiar news.

Apparently, two stars of Glee, Mohawk and Slutty Brunette, were dating but something happened JUST IN TIME FOR THE NEW SEASON. Actors, PR, Agents, Producers are brilliant in how they orchestrate these dramas.

Just when you'd fallen into a peaceful sleep, John Mayer opened his yap again--excessively--though this time, I kinda agree with him. The Huffington Post reported on rumors that he and Aniston were dating again (What's wrong with their hooking up from time to time? Maybe that's all they want!) and he skewered them. During the 2008 Presidential campaign, I came to loathe HuffPo, though I admit to grazing the site often.

In the vein of decaying old men, French acting legend Gerard Depardieu maligned Juliette Binoche, calling her "nothing." Il est très fatte.

The Ex Mrs. Woods

Elin Nordegren is on the cover of People, telling her side of the story. She is a lovely woman, put up with a lot of crap and I applaud her getting out of a sh*tty marriage. I'm sure People expects this issue to fly off the shelves, but I don't think it will. We don't care so much about the non-famous wife, though everyone wants her to live a great life with Tiger's money now that she's free. What else will she say other than she's pissed, can't forgive, was blind-sided by all the babes and wants the best for her children? Not so interesting. She won't claim she knew something fishy was going on. It's not the way to leave graciously, to admit you looked the other way or took a club to your husband (though who knows what happened). In the Year of the Cheating Husband, we bought the Sandra Bullock/baby issue because we know Sandra really well and the baby surprise was a nice bombshell. At least they don't have Lindsay's early rehab on the cover. Even more boring. People needs to hire Dish.

In even less newsworthy news: Heidi Montag is getting her fun-bags reduced to D-cups. I get tired just thinking of her. So much energy and pain to stay in the headlines.

Love the Ones You're With

It's raining in New York, very appropriate for the sad news that Martin Short's wife, Nancy Dolman passed away. Can you imagine how hard it must be to lose a spouse? In Hollywood, spouses changes like diapers, but some couples stay together longer than New Mexico cloud cover. Dish condolences to the Short family. And here I was wishing Franque were here to help me with my wedding.

Not much beyond this, though, as HersheyKiss point out, Betty White did win an Emmy for her SNL performance. I wonder if she finished the bottle of vodka Sandra Bullock sent her (a bottle that could also be sent to Lindsay Lohan once she gets out of rehab in two minutes). Those lovable cackling female leads.

On the best note, perhaps should have started with this, a special Happy Birthday to DishBrotherSideKick, who turns...well...a girl never tells.

Divorce, Babies, and Gale. Always Gale.

Dish's favorite "Good Witch" Catherine Bell just had her second baby, a boy. I heart Catherine and wish her and family great joy. Everyone is giving birth and getting baby bumps these days. Like maybe Mariah Carey? Some pics have been circulating where she has either eaten too many Ding Dongs or she's preggo. It builds the buzz and buzz is all a celeb has these days.

Let's hope the buzz of Tiger Woods's divorce keeps his clubs afloat. Funny how on the same day, news breaks that Rachel Uchitel has messed with Jeremy London's marriage during Celebrity Rehab--all Mensa candidates!

Anyway, who cares? More importantly: to up my gayness after FB's declaration that I was 0% gay, I rewatched the finale of Queer As Folk, shedding a tear as Ted blows out his birthday candles then sees Blake. Somewhere in my sleep, I had a Gale Harold dream and it wasn't one of those good ones. Picture it: I'm in a Hudson News kioske in Boston. I spend my hard-earned money on a magazine called Pulse (?) with Gale's likeness on the cover. Gale enters the kiosk and I drop everything on the ground (as happened once with Harrison Ford). Does he help me pick it up (HF at least smiled at me)? No, Gale says, "That's desperate" and walks away. Definitely desperate, but did he have to be so mean about it?

How Gay Is Dish?

Like most hags, I've long lived the cliché that I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body. Imagine my horror when I took the Facebook quiz, "How gay are you?" and my result was "0% gay." I have every episode of Queer As Folk, am working my way through The L Word for the second time, I might have two gay tables at my wedding, and live in Chelsea. Then again, if I were a gay man, I'd be so beautiful it would be difficult to leave my house. It's okay, the gay community is already impressive and I will continue to worship it--and celebrities, who are mostly gay.

Because Facebook told me so, I will celebrate the fact that I am a straight woman. Nobody's perfect.

True Blood Wedding!

Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer got married today. Their romance doesn't seem to have hurt their chemistry on True Blood. I just wanna know wedding details. Do you think she would help me plan my big day? Cause I need serious help. I need Franque from the Steve Martin Father of the Bride, someone by my side through the whole thing. Basically, someone who will do all the work and feed me tranquilizers. 148 days and I've accomplished NEXT TO NOTHING!

I'm calm now. Congratulations to the happy couple.

The Switch

Dish has always been on Team Aniston for no reason. The simple truth is that she is likable to me, but...I'm not sure I can tolerate another bad comedy, even with the lure of Jason Bateman. The Switch looks like a steamer with actors who excelled in sit-coms. Plus, didn't J.Lo just do The Back-Up Plan? Hollywood sure loves the whole over-35-gotta-have-a-baby thing. Women are the must-have audience but we're not stupid. Aniston needs Dish to pick her projects for her, her agent fired.

This Saturday night, TG and I continue our obsession with Criminal Minds. We've begun Season 3 and are sobbing over the loss of Mandy Patinkin. We heard last night that he was a huge diva and fired from the show. Jason Gideon made us ache, cry, scream with triumph as cases were solved, bodies buried, and a few innocent victims delivered home safely. How is it that Mandy's a dick when he's got this juicy (bloody) material? Am placing all my hopes on the Goddess Garcia and Dr. Reid--our second choice for fave.

Update: A Dish reader corrected me and said Mandy wasn't fired but quit of his own volition. Thank goodness because now TG and I can worship his work without reservation. (though, Dishbrother hates him, probably b/c jealous he got to work with Patti LuPone in Evita).

Is It True?

That Fred Armisen is consoling himself from his impending divorce (from Elizabeth Moss) with Abby Elliott, the super-young blond minorly talented chick on SNL? She does do an amusing Rachel Maddow, though. Strange pairing but maybe it's love. Or maybe it's desperate.

Yes to the Dress?

Basic Dish Fact: All shopping is to be avoided. I get agita when in a store for longer than an hour (exception: Staples). Buying a wedding dress seems a daunting task because I'm told there are multiple fittings and trips. Dishmama tends to double-team me while shopping, with her and an attendant shoving things over the fitting room door. I have to be told when I need new clothes. Since I have to get a dress, I'm trying to form an opinion. Sequins yes, but not too showgirl. No strapless as I'd feel like a naked faun. I loved Miranda's dress in Sex and the City. Of course, there's Julia's dress in Runaway Bride and My Best Friend's Wedding. A suit screams old, so that's not an option. No white for Dish and am rebelling against off white and ivory. If only I could order my wedding dress online...

Dish Does Not Use Steroids to Fuel Her Celebrity Brain

I saw a poster for Drew Barrymore and Justin Long's new movie Going the Distance. Haven't they learned that real-life couples in movies generally bomb? The only reason I might Netflix it is for Christina Applegate, who is a delight as the funny straight-talking best friend (The Sweetest Thing).

As TG makes TGcat run around the apartment for exercise, I'm thinking about Roger Clemens, who's being charged with perjury. I'd been warned of his Howard Roark traits, but defended him through his Yankee years, especially as he pitched during a bout of the stomach flu. Now much older, I appreciate the Peter Keatings more than the Howard Roarks. I really hate The Fountainhead twenty years later. Seems more a book one loves in one's twenties. A-holes just plain suck.

Today Is Special Why?

Because it's Edward Norton's birthday! Who is he? You might remember he acted in the serial-killer movie with Richard Gere, which launched his career as an Amazing Artist. When he did some writing AND acting AND dating hot babes like Courtney Love and Salma Hayek, he became HUGER. Along came more edgy, more selective, a failed Woody Allen movie, and Fight Club before fading a little. Fame is only two minutes long these days. I liked him in The Painted Veil, the movie version of W. Somerset Maugham's masterpiece (or Love in the Time of Cholera where Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber fell in love in real life!). He does that hesitant hero thing so well but I kinda get the feeling he's a tool in real life. I'm sure I'm wrong. The profilers of Criminal Minds would find my conclusions banal and based on a fourth grade education.

Speaking of tools, Jesse James is allegedly dating Kat Von D. Dish Von Skid thinks it would be funny to see their combined ink. Sandra is so over this.

Say halleluia that Dr. Laura is going off the air. An acquaintance once gave me a book of hers to read so that I would stop being a doormat. Since one self-help book cured me instantly, I thought she was a clever chick. Then all this nasty stuff came out of her mouth! That's why I kept my radio off to Dr. Laura ever since, though, of course, everyone has the right to an opinion. I feel that animals should not talk in movies.

Hollywood Faces Are Sagging in Mourning...

...for the passing of Dr. Frank Ryan who died in a car crash yesterday afternoon. He worked on Heidi Montag and Gene Simmons. This is a tragedy (seriously) not only because he was so young and talented, but also, he charged himself with the task of making famous people more beautiful.

As this happens, Zsa Zsa is barely clinging to life. When I was -10, she was a young beauty in her sixties, spouting on husbands and society. Maybe even a cameo on Love Boat? I don't remember, except I always got her confused with her twin Eva. Two great beauties.

In a depressing turn of events, the ever-gloomy genius Marilyn Manson broke up with his sparkling Lolita Evan Rachel Wood. I will return to my dark castle and pierce my left ear for the fifth time. After which I'll listen to Nick Cave and blow spitballs at the four black walls of my soul.

All bad news today, I'm afraid: Dish must give up on Best Buy and Target who are contributing to a MN candidate for governor with anti-gay policies. The gay community will get revenge--the accumulation of power, secret amassing of wealth and general takeover of most influential industries. As Kathy Griffin would say: Suck it, Target and Best Buy, and get with the times!

It Was the Best of Times...

I seem to be psychically channeling Michael Douglas because no sooner do I crave a Gordon Gekko pep talk than I read he has a tumor in his throat. With a little chemo/radia, he should be fine soon. May the healing ministations of Green Tara be with you, Mikeypoo.

All is not well in Adorable Couple Land. Fred Armisen and Elizabeth Moss call it quits after a very short marriage. Could it be the same "fraud" as with Renee Zell and Kenny Ches? Also in splitsville, bosomy Cher-haired Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger called off her engagement. Well, those in the love business have the toughest time. She's gorgeous, feisty, I give her three months before she's back in the game.

One life ends (Craigslist Alleged-Killer) as two lives begin: Neil Patrick and his boyfriend are having twins. These babies are going to have the funnest time in this showbiz family!

Dish is cranking the A/C and thinking about delicious takeout as reward to completing another wedding-planning task.

TG: "Eat Pray Waste My Time"

Eat Pray Love: Some delicious themes throughout but poorly shot and edited. Every time I wanted to linger on an image, it cut away. Choppy, shaky, not enough food in Italy. Ryan Murphy was the wrong director for this kind of story and the excellent cast holds the movie together by a string. If you can look beyond the narcissism and affluence, you'll leave the theater with a resolve to gorge and slow down (for about five minutes). I am about to go cheap-pen-shopping because that's how I roll. Special kudos to Billy Crudup and Javier Bardem for memorable performances and effortless charm. Julia is luminous and our Botox/Plastic Surgery Watch yielded a big fat zero. Dishbrother and I concluded she's had no work done. Happiness has made Julia more beautiful than ever, beautiful with beautiful imperfections. She has some wonderful moments, especially at the beginning when she's all verklempt.

True Julia Lovers: EPL adheres to the Basic Laws of Julia--don't show her f*cking, French kissing or T&A. I saw a little cleavage in the scene with James Franco and had to avert my eyes. Love of Julia is a pure love.

Two Star Sightings in under a Minute!!!!!!!!

1:15pm, West 18th Street: Dish walked out the door and ran into Mo Rocca in mid-conversation, saying "...drug addiction..." before passing by. Coming from Viceroy and Barney's Coop, probs. Dish sees her so often, it's no longer earth-shattering.

1:15pm, I walked into the post office and saw Wallace Shawn approaching from about three miles away. I retreated and held the door open for The King. He said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you." Being in the presence of such greatness brings out my manners, though I neglected to bow.

Hung

Hung didn't start out great. How many quirky, down-and-out characters turn to quirky side businesses and wind up on HBO? But the premise grew on me (ha ha) and, while I'm not waiting with baited breath, it's not as big a waste as True Blood. As I write this, I read that Thomas Jane and Patricia Arquette have split yet again.

In the meantime, am awaiting reactions to Eat Pray Love. I'm starting to feel violent about the recklessness of taking a year off when most of us have to slave away to support ourselves. Sure, I'd love to take a year off. Maybe it's not literal. Starting tomorrow, I'll "take a year off" and travel to Italy, India and Bali in my mind. I won't need to take malaria pills.

With no segue, I'm highly irritated by the Geico spokesman, the one who was in the Ed Burns movies. I just want to hit him. That's the point, just as the irritating Optonline commercials stay in one's head for days.

I May Seem a Bit Confused But, Honey, I've Got You Pegged!

It's true: severe OMP Kelsey Grammer has knocked up his 29 y.o. British air hostess GF in a classic ditch-the-old-wife-for-a-newer-model. It's so sad what happens to people when their hit shows go off the air. Then again, Camille may be celebrating that she doesn't have to live with Frasier anymore. Let's hope happily ever after happens for everyone involved.

Alanis Morrisette is also pregnant. From going down in a theater to God to the naked suit to motherhood. We love this montage!

TG just confused Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts. Epic sin, but cute. I'm now going to confuse Flaubert with Proust. Didn't they co-write Bovary's Way?

Big Mistake. Huge!

Jennifer Lopez has been dropped as a judge for American Idol because she's a diva. Talk about bad bad move on her part! When you're not so famous, take a paycut just like Tom Cruise did with Magnolia. Totally upped his cred for three minutes.

I salivated over the Eat Pray Love premiere pictures at the Ziegfeld, a mere 40 blocks away from Dish. I had no idea it was going on otherwise...well...hell, I was probably watching Golden Girls. Billy Crudup looks a little old, which tells me he hasn't had work, which I applaud. Vanessa Marcil returned to General Hospital and in the trailer I thought I saw cheek implants. Am a little obsessed with plastic surgery since I'd be getting it right about now if I were famous.

Everyone should read Boy George as he is guest-blogging on Paper Mag Blog: http://www.papermag.com/2010/08/boy_george_presents_postcards_1.php

Must Convert to Hinduism IMMEDIATELY!

I had it all wrong! Julia never had plastic surgery or Botox. She said so in Elle. Instead, she looks amazing because she converted to Hinduism. Dish tried very hard to do the same but Wikipedia's description of Hinduism was so long and boring I gave up around 3,000,00 B.C. If Eat Pray Love is amazing, I'll try again to convert. My journey will be: Eat, Hemorrhage, Obsess.

Talk about obsess, my new thing is celebrating the majestic yet unprofessional yet necessary actions of former JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater toward the jackass passenger who pushed his last button. I hope his case is dropped. Talk show circuit/reality show comes next.

Fantasia, not the movie, OD-ed on aspirin and a sleep aid because of stress of dating a married man. I hear you, honey, but why the aspirin? Trying to prevent a heart attack? Another mess: Kelsey Grammer caught kissing blonde woman, weeks after wife filed divorce papers. It's rumored the blonde had a bump. I have a bump too, on my forehead from taking fish oil supplements. They don't tell you it turns your skin into an oil well. Help me, Julia.

Big Dames -- Triumphs and Tragedies

Patricia Neal died yesterday of lunch cancer. I'd seen her great movies but had no idea that she'd led such a tabloid life--an affair with Gary Cooper, married to Roald Dahl until he ran off with her best friend? Stroke at 39 while pregnant? Heavens! Some people get more than their share. Legendary actress, the likes of which we don't see so much anymore.

In more sordid news: Gloria Allred wrote an open letter to Whoopi Goldberg who is outspoken in her support of crazy ranting Mel. Opposing sides, big women disputing over a raging jerk. I'm more on Allred's side in the sense that victims don't always run to the police the second they're abused--for many reasons. Whoopi was not living with Mel during his relationship so it's pretty insulting to victims. If I'd been smacked around by Mel, I'd go straight for his pockets, too, after conjuring fantasies of an elaborate homicide.

And if we couldn't get more evidence of Naomi Campbell's treachery, she allegedly lied in court about some diamonds and I love that Mia Farrow is testifying that she's a liar.

Now, back to reading Andrew Morton's unauthorized bio on Angelina Jolie. It's fabulous. While I'm not an Angelina fan, I understand now a bit more about her compulsions. I know never ever to let TG star in a movie with her.

Star Sighting -- Will Arnett

26th and 7th, 12:45pm: Barely recognizable in sunglasses, he was pushing back a cart in front of Babies R Us. My spidey senses went off and I told TG who he was, though had to go through WA's dossier. TG then screamed, "WILL!" The poor man, halfway down the block, turned. That's when Dish went and hid behind the bush in front of Whole Foods. TG told him that he loved his work (having just learned what it was).

Am mortified, but admiring that TG doesn't give a rat's hairy derriere about interacting with the stars.

Congrats to Will Arnett and Amy Poehler for their latest production, a baby boy!

Family Reunion

Dish spent the day with family and the epic first meeting between Dishfather and TG worked out well. We ate tons of carbs, desserts, and meats. We jumped in the lake, frolicked with littles ones and talked marriage. Now, reeling in the ecstasy of being the new "It" boy in Dish-Family, TG is opining on the great flatscreen TV in the room and how much it's costing us. We're watching Dateline. TG is atwitter over his success. He wooed with two tsps of charm and five tablespoons of humility, several dollops of true interest in others, and twenty gallons of hotness.

What to see first?

Julia or The Expendables?

Star Sighting -- Linus Roache!

2:09, 17th and 5th Avenue: No one but Dish would have recognized the blond dapper gent walking into Aldo. It was Linus Roache from Wings of the Dove in which he canoodles with a less crazed Helena Bonham Carter. Like many respected film actors, he went to television's Law & Order. Great actor! He wore a respectable beige suit--how civilized on a muggy summer day in New York. He didn't sully himself with the ratty jeans and baseball cap. Nice sighting indeed. Must say, he reminds me a little of DishBrother.

Daddy Issues

When you have a daddy who's an a-hole, the best revenge is SUCCESS. It is an uphill battle, but everything you achieve is yours. Deadbeat Dads don't deserve any recognition and I hope Rudy's daughter can overcome this. Though between you and me, I TOTALLY get stealing from Sephora. They have the best makeup.

The end of an era: Mary Hart leaving entertainment television. What a fixture. I do like Lara Spencer and it's rumored she might take over. Particularly enjoyed Lara's stint on Kathy Griffin. Lara is an anchorwoman AND obsessed with design!

As TG is out, I'm secretly watching The Real Housewives of D.C. What a bunch of low-lifes--except for the black couple. They seem to have some integrity. Maybe not enough to refuse to do reality TV. Yes, I'd do it if asked...AND FOR FREE.

Star Sighting--Steve Coogan!

2:40 pm, 14th and 8th Avenue: I'm 90% sure it was comedy genius Steve Coogan behind those sunglasses. The enigmatic bird-face and wavy hair is recognizable from space. He held hands with a lovely (younger) lady in a black dress. I wanted to ask for my money back for Hamlet 2, but refrained. His involvement in Tropic Thunder made up for it.

Till Tuesday

I can't tell if it's going to be a bad week or a good week. Good: Lady Gaga got 13 MTV VMA nominations--LOL and WTG! I'm way over the Gaga but hey, I'm sure my mother was over Madonna by 1985. Still exciting artists.

Frank Sinatra, Jr.'s grandson was hospitalized because of alleged suicide attempt. I'll say it again, the solution to suicidal thoughts: Stay under the covers until they go away! If you're living in the shadow of an icon (or two, like Rumer Willis and Jennifer Grant), I don't blame you one bit. Under the covers...with a big cake.

In the continuing saga of Rob Lowe--who pioneered the celebrity sex tape, the pretty-boy sax-playing douchebag, the nanny charges, the leaving-The-West-Wing-when-it-was-amazing, and now--is a "creative partner" at the newly acquired Miramax. Maybe he'll be amazing. As Jennifer Connelly says to Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, "I have to believe that something extraordinary is possible..."

Speaking of Russell, the Andrew Morton bio maintains Angie and Russell hooked up. Can you imagine? They probably bit each other's ears off.

I Understand, Julia

In the course of life, one must accept certain things:

Death comes to all of us. As does weight gain once you hit 40. The creators of South Park are insane geniuses...and Julia Roberts must have fallen prey to Botox. I've been naive this whole time, but no more. She just looks too amazing in those trailers for Eat Pray Love. I forgive Julia for I might have done the same. Three kids, a career, and a hot husband do not make one younger. Julia has to be sleep-deprived, under pressure, and hoping to find the best possible projects. It's okay, Jules. I'm no one, therefore I eat a hot fudge sundae for you.

In other news: Miss New York, Claire Buffie, is running on platform of gay rights. Finally some enlightenment in the pageant. Now we just need a gay Miss USA/America, though I'm afraid Donald Trump probably wouldn't want someone who is unable to f*ck him. Well, count most intelligent girls in on that one.

Speaking of Gay Miss USA, James "Dawson" Van Der Beek is married again after finalizing his divorce in March. Lindsay Lohan was released from jail but will rehab for 90 days. Sometimes, you have to take a year off from life. Though, career-wise, she's been out of it for a good 7 years. Okay, 10.

Everyone is abandoning Brothers & Sisters, though I'm still on board if Sally Field is. Let's just call it The Nora Walker Show.

I am...

...really intrigued by the new Angelina book by Andrew Morton. Give me a rag any day. To counter this assault on my brain cells, I will read 10 more pages of Proust. Dish needs to know the truth about Ange, though I doubt it will contain surprises. Except one: She dated Timothy Hutton? How did that happen? This mother/do-gooder/monogamous thing has never totally rung true to Dish, mostly because there was such a switch after her relationship with Billy Bob. People are more complicated than that and it's obvious she had big, gaping scars from childhood. I'm a fan of the Angelina of old--the one who did Gia, made out with her brother and carried blood around her neck. Maybe I've just seen too much of her in the last five years and am tired. She and Brad do make adorable children.

Discuss: Rob Lowe on Parks and Recreations. A step down from Brothers & Sisters? He seems to make terrible career decisions.