Happy Holiday Meltdowns

The state dinner party-crashers, Tiger, David Hasselhoff. This is why Dish doesn't like the holiday season. The strange vibe of celebration-desperation. In NYC, people push each other to get into stores and on subways. No kind words but Mr. I'm-soooo-important knocks you over while fondling his Crackberry. Instead of niceness, the world succumbs to crazyacting.

For me, it's all about the gingerbread latte. Celebrity of the day: Thank you, Starbucks, for making Christmas, Kwaanza, Yule and Hannukah what it should be. I've been eyeing the Cranberry Bliss Bar for years now and this time, I might get it--TG and my figure be damned to hell! Speaking of TG, he woke up at 3 am just to talk in the right time zone. Who does that? Someone who can't wait to see me. 17 days.

Some Days Are Stranger Than Others

Dish spent almost an entire day without television. The silence was surreal. I did work. I thought of no celebrities.

Okay, enough lying: so The Post had non-sleazy article about the true relationship between Brad and Angina, like they're on the verge of breaking up because of Brad's doobie smoking and her crazy tantrums. If you look like Angina, you can have as many tantrums as you want--is how I feel. I'm not a fan but if she gives so much to charity, I couldn't give a fat fig what she does behind closed doors (I don't buy it either). Same goes for Brad's doobies. If I had that many children, I'd need to be stoned, too. Liked him in the Oceans movies. Do NOT think he is hot.

And Holy Handicaps, what happened with the Tiger Woods fiasco? I'm not sure I care except Dishfather loves him. Moral of all these stories: Rich people have problems too.

ps. Will Nora get laid tonight on B&S? I want to see some skin!

For Your Entertainment!

Adam Lambert's CD For Your Entertainment has more than two good songs and is well worth the fortune. It's rare I root for young people to succeed so I'm on the Lambert float and raising all lavender flags to celebrate his success. Wondering: Was I a gay man in my past life or am I just a fierce hag?

Damn you, fellow hag Kathy Griffin. Dish dreamt her other favorite redhead was pregnant and delivered two babies by two separate fathers. TG and I talk too much about our future parasites so this makes sense. If TG is the first father, who's the second? (please let it be Gale Harold or Gerard Butler--the latter can impregnate with just a look so this won't break my commitment to TG)

Snowed by the Victoria's Secret "Buy one bra, get the other half off" nonsense, Dish spent an entire day trying to find inexpensive but necessary lingerie. At least five attendants came over to assault me so I wound up scurrying out of the store. It doesn't take much sales talk to alienate Dish.

(JJ, is that you screaming over KG's picture?)

Whatever Works

Ever since Woody Allen slept with his daughter (at least he married her, TG says), I haven't liked his movies, except for Match Point. I also hate Larry David so it took me a while to watch this. Now I get David's appeal. The writing is sharp, witty, and the actors deliver captivating performances. I was impressed with Evan Rachel Wood, one of the few good actresses of her generation. She could have toned down the twang but Hollywood hasn't got this memo ever. Quite an enjoyable movie about the complexity and transient nature of relationships, luck and of course, the movie title. Moral: If you're old, hideous and in love with a super-young girl, it's okay to bang and marry her.

So I've unburdened myself of VHS tapes, watching In & Out one last time before chucking (DVD version on my Amazon wishlist). Funny, I always thought Kevin Kline was gay. It's because he's so articulate and artsy. While watching, I realized he and Kenneth Brannagh belong in the No Lips Club.

Happy Thanksgiving!

How interesting: according to Page Six, GMA will let girlfriend-beater Chris Brown sing but not gay Adam Lambert. Dish is tempted not to watch ANY shows on ABC--very difficult since Sally Field is my life.

So what did I do for Thanksgiving? I basked in the family-love of Dishbrother and Dishbrothersidekick who cooked for me all day long. We ate, watched Ever After, and scoured the web for obvious plastic surgery (Sarah Jessica Parker, Demi Moore, Roy Scheider). We discussed Dougray Scott's excellent hair and the timeline of his career (poorly cast in Desperate Housewives but we like him overall); how Drew Barrymore has an otherworldly look to her, is so adorable. We hate her accent in the movie but think she's a marvelous actress usually (Grey Gardens, Boys on the Side).

Dish did not eat turkey, is making up for it by obsessing over turkey waddle growing under chin. Maybe I will get my neck done.

Dish is a Masterbaker!

In buccolic Chelsea, same-sex couples, gallery and furniture store owners can smell chocolate chip pumpkin bread emanating from Dish's kitchen. I gathered bluberries and strawberries from this year's harvest, which will go in tomorrow's pie. I will then allow other people to cook for me, as nature intended.

I am thankful for many things:

Spiritual prosperity, health, a nice rack.

Eastwick is back on the air.

Adam Lambert was lovely this morning (though more controversy ensued and Dish is tired of it) on CBS.

Dishbrother and Dishbrothersidekick transported a large table to the abode while Dish sashayed her fatte-asse behind them.

My hair has never looked better.

That Levi Johnson didn't show peen in Playgirl. While we're all disappointed, it was a good career move.

I'm thankful for all Dish readers. Even if you loathe Thanksgiving or feel alone or depressed during the holidays, just remember that baked goods and severely spiked egg nog heal all wounds. So go ahead, make an ass of yourself. Dish is right there with you.

Boycott Good Morning America Because They Suck!

Ps. If Good Morning America cancelled Adam Lambert's concert tomorrow because of his AMA performance, they SUCK! By the same token, they should cancel every Madonna, Miley Cyrus, Britney performance since they've offended thousands. It's awful that GMA execs think he's not professional enough to know GMA's audience (old people - Dish) and perform accordingly. I will never watch that show again. Switching back to Channel 1.

He Kissed a Boy and We Liked It

Given how many gay kisses exist on TV and movies--and Dish can't get enough of them--what's all the fuss about Lambert sucking a little face? We saw it on Will & Grace a couple times. All the soaps have same-sex liplocks. Not to mention, Lambert's make-out session was on at 10:59pm, when your pure-as-driven-snow children are supposed to be in bed. Oooh, ABC gets 1,500 complaints--we're scared! If Michael Jackson can grab his peen every two seconds, Madonna and Britney can swap spit, Janet can show her booby at the Superbowl, Prince can simulate self-pleasuring at the Superbowl without incident, Adam can do whatever the hell he wants! Precedents have long been set and it's all entertainment. Sadly, the same-sex makeout germ could spread like swine flu. Once you see it, you won't want to stop. Just kidding. Kind of.

What I find truly outrageous is the suggestion that Lou Dobbs might run for President in 2012. I say, go ahead, fattycakes. I wanna see some crazy in the competition. It is fabulous.

Whaddya Want from Me?

Maybe Dish has high expectations but Adam disappointed me at the AMAs. It was inevitable and I still love him madly. Sure, there's now all this controversy over the crotch grabbing, oral sex simulation and same-sex making out, but for Dish, that's just another day in Chelsea and my constant Queer As Folk daydreams. That cheesy song "For Your Entertainment" shouldn't have happened and why make him dance? He's a SINGER. No longer can you stand there and just sing. "Whaddya Want from Me" is his better song and he could have done the duet with PINK which would have rendered viewers apoplectic. But no, it was all about other divas like Whitney (whose song blew the living daylights and you kinda got the feeling it was fake autobiographical with the "holding head high" through adversity when Dish says she kept the head low while sucking on the crack pipe--though I'm primed for her comeback), J.Lo (also lame but I love her in movies), Janet, Taylor Swift, and Lady Gaga whose bombastic performances we've now seen so often it's no longer edgy. The sad thing is that I've had "Bad Romance" in my head all day. That said, I might name my first-born Baby Gaga.

Dish shouldn't be so harsh but it's been a case of the Mondays.

American Music Award Reactions

Lady Gaga just walked on wearing a skeleton bra and a maxi pad. I might be a little over her. She has good club music and I enjoy her song for Michael Bolton. And Paparazzi.

I've never been that into Keith Urban but watching him, I got a little frisson of lust. He and Nicole make a nice family.

Hated Rihanna's song but I give her props for her performance.

Opening Janet Jackson: the lip-sync was too obvious but adore how she can hoof it better than most women half her age.

Excited for Whitney and J.Lo's lip synching coming up.

Of course, they gave an award to Michael Jackson. I threw up a little in my mouth. Especially with fame-whoring unfamous family trying to make another buck off him.

Will admit to being in heat over Adam Lambert's upcoming performance. *insert girlish squeal here*

In the meantime, Dish prepares for the holidays. Does anyone know where to get a cheap menorah? I'm going Jewish this year and will observe Hanukkah, except on Christmas.

Star Sighting--Dan Abrams

1:41 pm, Greenwich Avenue and 7th: Fresh from bonding with a baby who is now my BFF, Dish strolled home and saw Mr. Cute-Legal-Boy-Turned-MSNBC-Host-Who-Yells-Turned-Something-Else looking mighty scruffy. We locked eyes but Dish didn't feel it was a romantic connection. Maybe on his end because how could he help himself?

Alas, DA, I'm devoted to TG. 25 more days until I meet his plane at JFK.

Haircut appointment with JJ-Check
Makeup and adorable airport outfit chosen-Check
Voucher for car-Check
Book to pretend to read while waiting for TG's plane-Check
Inspirational Duran Duran playlist on iPod-Check
Tranquilizers-Check

Showgirl

Another person I love: Elizabeth Berkley. Showgirls was comedy not drama so she has nothing to be ashamed of. She was brilliant as that ninny trollop stripper Noni who could probably have killed Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford with a steel stiletto. Since that disaster, Elizabeth has done Lifetime and other little projects, including reality, and a website for helping young girls through life, especially body image. This afternoon, Dish continued her journey through the last season of The L Word and Elizabeth re-entered my universe with a bang. I love how all the lesbians on the show are supermodels, discuss their feelings and have sex all the time. They can't resist going to bed, even if the girl is the most toxic thing on earth. Your love interest could stab you in the chest, sue you for sexual harrassment, steal your screenplay, cheat on you, poison you and you still go out for coffee and then sex. My hope is that Elizabeth is given multiples by Jennifer Beals. Noni will not be denied.

Long Live Lara

Even though she's had crazy amounts of work done to her face and doesn't eat, I still love Lara Flynn Boyle. While degrading myself with Baby on Board (ran out of Netflix and it's a Watch Instantly because it sucks so hard), I was shocked at my first glance of Lara--those puffy cheeks implants and boatlike jowls. Then her steely voice charmed me back to life. She was the only good part of that movie other than hearing perenial goody-goody John Corbett act like a douche. I will shout my love for Lara from the rooftops. She was amazing on The Practice (nothing hotter than the romantic tension between her and Dylan McDermott), she made me want to be The Temp, and, yes, she did have a fabulous lesbian role on Ally McBeal with Heather Locklear. Bottom line: I just can't look away when she's on screen.

She could do a lot professionally with the next thirty years of her life if she gets her act together. Fix the face and then just stop! If they ever redo Dynasty, she is Alexis.

Really? That's the Best People Magazine Could Do?

For the last several years, People Magazine has chosen the most boring star possible as Sexiest Man Alive. This year is no different with Johnny Depp who wouldn't know a brush if one fell on him. Of course, Dish loves him. He can do any part, makes "interesting choices," and doesn't go the pretty boy route. He famously ignores the press, going so far as to live in France. But beyond his movies, he's not the name on everyone's lips, therefore irrelevant. He's not destroying hotel rooms, getting engaged once a week or inciting squeals from teenage girls. Why can't they pick someone who's under 40?

My choice for Sexiest Man: Chaz Bono. I kid. Maybe that's not funny. Okay, it isn't. Actually, what about Obama? Okay, that's not funny either. Last try: Robert Pattinson. New Moon is about to come out, hormonal moms are squealing over him along with their teenage daughters. Dish thinks someone stepped on his face but is big enough to deem him Dish's Sexiest Man Alive (when it really should go to a Purrelled Gerard Butler, Jon Hamm and Gale Harold--a triple decker sexiest man sandwich).

Star Sighting--Peter Riegert

5:24pm, somewhere on UWS: You can't escape me, pickle salesman. DISH SEES ALL! Peter -- a judge or a lawyer on any show, now The Good Wife -- was shuffling to the mailroom when Dish passed by. He didn't smile like the last time but I can't see nuance with my glasses on.

They Don't Make Bitches Like Amanda Anymore

Dish relented and watched the lame remake of Melrose Place but just to see Amanda Woodward in action again. Heather Locklear excels at slinging insults with a smile, all while kicking butt at the workplace. The young tootsies may partake in forbidden lezbot make-out sessions and leg-spreading on the desk, but Amanda is schmoozing, shaking hands and making sure everyone has a drink. Love her and her adorable squirrel cheeks! At least she has the best work ethic! Oh, and I can totally see why Ashlee Simpson was fired from the show. Her lack of acting talent is unforgiveable.

So much television to watch this week. Tomorrow will be busy: Steve Santagati is on Dr. Phil. People find him sexist (duh!) but his brutality is refreshing to me. He is charming in person and frighteningly smart (and too handsome for words). Then Steven Seagal premieres his new show Lawman online. Dish is so tempted to smoke a doobie in New Orleans, just to get arrested--Seagal-style! Friday, James Franco is on GH. I should earn money for my viewing skills.

Best news of all: TG premieres in Dishland one month from today. The wait has been torture.

It's Not Easy Being Dish

Dinner: Egg whites and cry while throwing out beloved yolk. Run 4 miles...or maybe 2 while loving Kathy Griffin on The Insider (even though hate actual show). Eat gourmet jelly beans after jog, be thankful not cigarette (will whore myself anytime/anywhere for a Parliament or rolled Bali Shag ciggie, please). Use Foucauldian in a sentence to someone who probably doesn't read Foucault (but knows other things Dish doesn't know). Bitchy. Too much work. Not enough Brothers & Sisters. My predictions for the next few episodes:

Sally and Jon do it and something makes their relationship go kaflooey so he can return to The Closer (even though Dish thinks that one is rolling down a steep hill to Cancel Valley). The Wrinkle Sisters bemoan the departure of Gilles but not before Rachel finds out she's pregs. Justin, the stupid junkie son, flunks out of med school because he is too much of an idiot to memorize the spinal cord. My butt could pass that exam and there is nothing dumber than that. Resentment ensues because of Sulky-Pretty-Acty-Fiancee getting knocked up too soon, though let's face it, she'll probably lose the baby which will cause double the angst so she'll go back to that lizard-Pattinson-wannabe-uggo who's trying to destroy the Walkers. Moral of the story for everyone on the show: Keep Your Damn Legs Closed.

ps. Did Dish call it that Clockfart got Lowed in between chemo treatments? Love ABC now!

Oh, January

I keep giving SNL one last chance but last night blew it. I adore sweet January Jones who plays the clinically depressed Betty on Mad Men. She just isn't meant for this venue. Dish supports people who try really hard to be good (Keanu Reeves) but this was my limit. The writing is just too unfunny. The farting Grace Kelly skit was amusing the first thirty seconds. You never expect someone so elegant and lovely to let one rip.

Re Brothers & Sisters : Do any of the Walker women have sex at the same time? It seems not. Gilles served his stud time and now it's Jon Tenney's turn. We know Calista and Rob stopped fornicating when he had his heart attack. Her lymphoma doesn't help matters though perhaps ABC will be edgy and show her coping with her illness and getting down to business. Let's value multi-tasking, people: serious illness, sex and pizza.

Bringing On the ZZZZs

Dish showed off the glamorous life by taking coins to the Penny Arcade at TD Bank. It's not that I'm poor, I just need to create space in my apartment and the coins helped me validate a manicure. Then I watched Dexter. Yep, that's about it. Are we excited? I did scour the streets for celebs and fluffed my hair. When I got around 22nd Street, I scanned the area for Gerard Butler--you know, just in case. It might have been too early in the afternoon...

No celebs, no real news. Oh wait, sure there is: How much do I not want to see 2012? Strap a kid on your back as you run from the tidal wave, it increases the Awwww factor. Though perhaps it'll give John Cusack's career a boost. There's an example of how a funny looking person can become a sexy star. I enjoy him.

One Less Crazy Fat Man on TV

Is anyone upset that Lou Dobbs is off CNN? Yeah, Dish neither (though I'm sure he's a nice man). TG reminded me that if all the crazies go off the air, then PC Fascism will have won the battle and how psychotic would that be? I don't want to see all Begala, Maddow, Carvilles on TV, just as FoxNews shouldn't run the world. I like some Cheetos with my tofu. I guess tofu would be Obama. I accept him as remarkable and healthy but I have to add a lot of sauce to choke him down (go Hillary!!!) and he gives me gas. My secret watching of Bill O'Reilly or Glenn Beck is nothing more than amusement that is ultimately bad for me. I'm sure if I touched either of these crazy bastards, I'd get this icky orange powder on my fingers.

By the way, Dish might be on the radio next week. Details to come. Dish definitely has a face for camera, but voice for radio, not so much. Still the Dish content will be excellent. Still I'm going to start chain-smoking right this second to get my Lauren Bacall back.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

The only allure for this one was Michael Douglas, who is inexplicably funny to me. Matthew McConaughey doesn't bathe and Jennifer Garner puts way too much collagen in her lips so it's difficult for me to watch them make out. Because they're mini-icons, visibly paired with others, the producers don't make them boink, which is a travesty for the viewer. Matthew doesn't even take off his shirt or reveal his abs--something we've all come to expect from him. He and Jen have a couple warm kisses, but it's about as much sexual chemistry as between Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock in Two Weeks Notice. My main beef is with the premise itself. Why does everyone have to be monogamous, married, or in love? Why did Matthew have to give up his man-whoring? Do we all have to be the same?

Long live the Brian Kinneys and Samantha Joneses of this world! (Not that I'm either of them, much as I've tried)

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Loser Left Behind

Dear J.Lo's first husband has a sex tape and honeymoon pics and wants to make a mockumentary about being married to her--as if we care about any of her husbands, especially ten years after the fact. Her hubs are mostly men she can kill by sitting on them (though I liked #2, the dancer). Michael Lohan, Lindsay's uninteresting father, keeps yakking about his troubled relationship with his daughter, doing the Jon Voigt thing in showing he cares by addressing a camera. These girls blow them away and now the talentless daddies and husbands (though do sometimes like Voigt as an actor, just not as a person--think something really weird happened in that family) are fighting that feeling of emasculation. Don't even try. J.Lo, Lindsay and Angelina are far more powerful. This is why I love James Brolin. He accepts that Barbra rules the universe. In fact, I'm sure he enjoys having her paddle his ass all night long. Now that's a tape I'd watch.

I'm Ashamed

Dish had one of those days. Not only do I have to suffer TG-withdrawal while he's traveling through Italy, but work-wise, it's been one of those six months. I counted the seconds before I could go home, order Chinese food and watch The Ugly Truth. I now confess: Gerard Butler is my imaginary concubine even though he's probably covered in VD man-scabs. Or Dish is just guessing.

I laughed, I tittered, chuckled, salivated, and blushed. Even Katherine Heigl didn't annoy me. Dish readers, I'm ashamed to say, I didn't want the movie to end. Sure, I'll slam The Machinist from here to eternity, but a sh*tty predictable romantic comedy, I'll allow through the hallowed doors of Dishland.

As Julia says in My Best Friend's Wedding: I'm better with food (though Dish never believes this line for a second--have you SEEN Julia? She hasn't looked at a fudgicle in 30 years). Christian Bale may be a Napoleon with layers and decorative swirls of chocolate, but Gerard Butler is a bold triple hot fudge sundae with double the whipped cream (hold the cherry--fruit ruins everything). Can you tell Dish needs a candy bar?

This Week in Anorexia

I only watched The Machinist to see Christian Bale's emaciated body and how could I achieve that? Well, the flick turned me off anorexia completely. He looks like Skeletor, our favorite Upper East Side housewife prototype and not in a fun way. Long story short: The Machinist can't sleep. Why? Because he's sooooo intense. Jennifer Jason Crazy plays his sketchy prostitute girlfriend who may or may not have died. In any case, if The Sixth Sense and Fight Club had sex, you would get The Machinist.

Shhhhhh: Do not tell TG about this site. He only knows because I accidentally let it slip in conversation several times and now he wants access. Not yet. Today he cracked his rib while skiing but won't see a doctor. It only hurts when he breathes. 38 days until this gorgeous disaster hits Dishtown.

It's Hammer Time

Break out the Boniva and Metamucil: Tenney. Field. Doing it geriatric style on tonight's Brothers & Sisters. I don't know about you but I'm already laughing my freckled hiney off. Jon Tenney as a motorcycle-riding bad boy just seems so funny to Dish. I feel sympathetic vibrations for the luck he must feel to breathe the same oxygen as Nora Walker. The next best thing would be to have her throw food at him. She's so excellent--the Queen of the Hissy and Goddess of Love.

Not sure what to do before this blessed event. Now that Gale Harold is off Desperate Housewives, Dish doesn't care. Maybe I'll read more Proust. In an effort to impress TG, who is one of those dreaded academics, I mentioned my love for Nabokov. He was delighted I had a pursuit separate from my desire to wear as much pastel as The Golden Girls. TG will find out soon enough that my brain is filled with fluff. But it's pretty good fluff.

Dishbrother Starstruck by Chris Noth Just Now

10:53 am, Starbucks, 93rd and Broadway: Dishbrother got atwitter over a star. Dish had no idea he even knew who Chris Noth was because DB isn't exactly up to speed on shows like Sex and the City or Law & Order: Criminal Intent. But as DB got his coffee, he started hyperventilating over Mr. Big. "He looks amazing, really healthy," DB said, his voice shaking. "Healthy" to Dish means "liposuction" and a "lift" but Chris could be hitting the gym, eating tofu and practicing good waste management.

I probed further. What was Chris wearing, what kind of concoction did he get, did he put milk in his coffee? Exciting details: navy sweater and jeans, a plain coffee, maybe a little milk. Chris cracked a joke that he couldn't find any Starbucks on the Upper West Side and the baristas giggled. That Mr. Big is so witty! DB opened the door for him and they walked a half a block. Then he got into a Cherry red Nissan Ultima, which is a "Bride/Tunnel New Jersey car," as DB says.

It's okay, Chris. We don't care if you have a lame car. You look amazing.

Dish Forgives Peter Berg

...and so does Dishbrother. But it was really Dish who held the grudge for so many years because PB flicked a cigarette in her brother's face. How did this forgiveness come about? PB and Will Smith announced the Headmaster's Holiday at our prep school this past week. And if you're a high school student, that is probably the best way to hear you have the day off: two stars telling you. http://www.taftschool.org/news/video.aspx?section=www_news&storyname=headholiday09

My stomach grows cold with glee. Past wounds forgotten!

Friday's Happy and Lame Events

Dish hung herself out a building to watch the Yankee parade. I freak out in crowds, but usually enjoy myself amid panic (see Duran Duran concert postings 11/07, 3/08). This time was no different. The floats came by accompanied by roaring praise and chunks of confetti. Dish had a blast! Quite predictably, as I left to go home, I got the delayed shakes and avoided confined spaces like the subway. Power-walking soothes the beast.

To go with the happy, there is the LAME. Bill O'Reilly called the Fort Hood shooter a "rabid Muslim." I call Bill a flaming jackass. My prayers are with all the Muslims in America who have to deal with such idiocy in the U.S. For the record, I am a rabid Altoid sucker.

Just when I thought some good movies might be emerging, I was wrong. WTF is The Box starring Cameron Diaz? Who thought that one up? And please don't insult my intelligence with Clooney's goat staring. Quirky is not the new black anymore so go back to The Facts of Life. Why is Dish hating? It's because I watched an hour of Fox TV. Am about to detoxify with some blessed silence.

Subjects That Don't Interest Our Favorite Hairguru

...but he'll forgive me since I just made an appointment for him to cut, dye and abuse me! World Series Win: Yay! I didn't really watch because the Yankees always lose otherwise. I might have done a little flipping back and forth last night, relieved when Hideki smacked the holy bejesus out of that ball. And then there's Joe Girardi: If you're going to get rid of Joe Torre, Girardi is an inspired pick. Not only did he win the World Series but he helped a woman who'd been in a car crash mere hours after the win. Best of all, he makes his players run laps. I love it when multi-gazillionaires have to work. How the Military Can Make You Crazy: All prayers and blessings to the families in the Fort Hood shootings today.

Who cares about celebrities when there are so many people in this world who need real help? I'm taking the day off. But bear in mind, Dish has a front-row seat at the Yankee parade tomorrow. I want to see Derek Jeter's pores. Well, not really. Am over him since 2000.

Oscah

Dish has always felt The Oscars should be called The Penis Show. So much inappropriate sexual innuendo (okay, mostly said by Dish off screen), tons of OMPs and pretty starlets. With Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin hosting, it will be The Double Penis Show. Of course I'll be watching as I love them both (way more than Billy Crystal).

Tonight is a festival: Modern Family with my two new favorite gays, Eastwick and the World Series. Being 3,000 miles away in a land where skiing is prevalent and television is so unsophisticated, TG doesn't have such confections. But he will hear about them 42 days from now. I told a big lie the other day, "I used to watch a lot of television, but I really don't anymore." Why do I do this? Maybe I could pretend this is true.

It's About The Girls Tonight

James Franco is on General Hospital starting 11/20. It's such an odd thing I have to watch. I'm taking a vacation day for the event (It's okay, Dishmama. I have to take more vacation days or I will lose them). I could never get past Luke and Laura--a love story founded on rape--but maybe James can bring me into the 21st Century of GH.

And just because J.J. feels as passionately as I do: BOY GEORGE, WE WANT YOU BACK! Please perform again. We don't care how fugly or crazy you are. Your talent moves us all. There is no one else like you. I beg you, don't let me get obsessed with Adam Lambert, who could never take your place even though he's the closest to a glam pop-rocket we've got. Boy, you're too genius to remain silent.

Now, Dish will retire to watch the premiere of the remake of the remake of V. I wonder what "V" stands for. So many possibilities.

Nora Walker Gets Around!

The B&S writers are going overboard with the influx of studs. First we welcomed Gilles Marini, though last night he needed a good Brazilian wax on his face. Next week, our own favorite JON TENNEY is cheating on The Closer's Kyra Sedgwick and making it with Sally Field. He is an excellent multi-tweaker. Can you imagine what Jon must be thinking: Thirty years ago, he was watching Smokey and the Bandit and fantasizing about fondling Sally Field. Now, HE GETS TO DO IT! Dreams really can come true. Best of all, the goddess has provided Dish with more geezer sex on B&S. Let's face it, they are both geezers.

Countdown: 43 and 1/2 days until Dish is reunited with TG. It's the greatest love story of our time.

Please Come Back, Boy George!

This is a desperate plea for Boy George to make a come-back. What an amazing performer he was back in the day. Sure, drugs and jail-time and kidnapping will thwart a star on his magic carpet ride. This doesn't mean his creative life is over. Wouldn't it be great if he re-invented himself, got off all pollutants and sang again? He could start off small with co-writing, duets, a James Bond movie theme. Lady Gaga could give him a boost and then a wild resurgence of BOY GEORGE for a new generation. Was watching "The Crying Game" on Youtube, which was the beginning of the end--a brilliant song. It doesn't have to be the end.

I love Boy.
(This doesn't mean I condone assault, drug use, or any kind of abuse)

The Good Witch Saves Halloween

Secret Confession: I adore Catherine Bell in The Good Witch and The Good Witch's Garden. So much so that I might have to put these two Lifetime movies on my Amazon.com wishlist. Catherine is just so nice, always looks amazing and gardens (which all witches do because they're into nature). The nasty and fat mayor's wife is a hater but she gets her commupance: Catherine FORGIVES her and doesn't prosecute her snot-nosed boys. The moral of the story is: if you're nice, the hot police chief will present you with an enormous engagement ring at the end--even if you are Wiccan.