Monday, August 13, 2012

Finally Jennifer Aniston Is No Longer Desperate!!!

Justin Theroux has saved Jen Aniston from a long, path of despair and shriveled ovaries. Brad Pitt dumped her for another woman and Jen's suffered ever since, pulling her flaxen hair into a silky sheen and beating her breasts until they became swollen mounds of bitterness. Gosh, ever since Brad left her, she's been plagued by her gazillions of dollars, making movies and dating high profile men. These last seven years have been UNLIVABLE...until now. Until Justin put a ring on her finger. But seriously, I'm happy for J.A....I mostly want her to choose better projects. Liked her in Derailed and Horrible Bosses.

At least execs are taking the Chad Johnson arrest seriously. He's been cut from the Miami Dolphins and his reality show axed. Now can we focus on more important items? Today I saw a picture of Kim Kardashian in a bikini. Good for her. I sort of like the not-skinny celeb "flaunting her curves*." I did this in Orlando 10 years ago, turning into the state's reddest lobster. Thank Jebus, no one documented my freckled derriere spilling out of my rainbow bikini. Kim's tush adores the camera way more. It's really hard not to look at it, but Dish knows female butts. KK's is so well sculpted that it can't be real. There has to be a combination of lypo and implants somewhere, even though she went to a doctor who verified that her butt was genuinely gigantic.**

I am not well.

Rest in peace, Helen Gurley Brown -- trailblazer extraordinaire who never denied the "girl" in the girl.

*The common term for "fat."
**That said, TG and I are obsessed with the Kardashians, a year after everyone else.

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