Oprah, Can You Hear Me?

It's time Oprah had me on her show. After all, Dane Cook is on this week. He is high on my list of no-talents and somehow his overuse of inflection and ugly-sexy made it to the big-time. So why can't I be on? I'm pretty. I can do calligraphy and my brain is a database of celebrity trivia. Kirstie was on because she's fat. I can make farting noises with my armpits. It's my turn to be on Oprah!

Dish is seeing Distracted starring the lustrous Cynthia Nixon. I've read mixed reviews but it's about ADD, which is so up my alley. What's your name again? People with ADD must hate all those jokes.

The Real Housewives of NYC Reunion was fierce last night. So much fake crying, so much innocence. Wish one of them would sit back, light a cig and say, "Yeah, I'm a money-grubbing, back-stabbing whore and I love it." It was a little like the cat-fighting on The View but turned up several notches and with tackier dresses. The only one who seemed remotely truthful was Alex. Ramona needs to be lowered into a vat of chemicals.