Poor PC!

Dish wants to hear more about Penelope Cruz's food poisoning in Cannes. Was it chicken? Please, more details about which ends that coq au vin came flying out. What's a day without imagining vomiting celebs? Come to think of it, that baked ziti I had for lunch is making me gassy. Must Twitter about it!

Notes on Desperate Housewives: so boring except for Gale Harold's orange jumpsuit. Why is it always about marriage and babies? Can't anyone do anything else?

Speaking of which, Mel Gibson is a master at reproduction. No sooner does his wife file for divorce than he impregnates another lucky woman with his super-semen.

I attended the rally for gay marriage yesterday. It was quite fun, especially to run into JJ and his husband Peter. I was surrounded by happy, determined people. Of course, I had my peepers on and scoured the crowds. Saw Constantine stalk by wearing sunglasses, his curly locks bouncing and misbehaving. Little minx tried to get by unnoticed. Wished I had seen Cynthia Nixon but claustrophobia felled me after an hour. I hope she can get married in New York!

Of least importance, Dish has cracked the code of online dating. I try not to lie since my perfect date will find my warts (not real ones). I know women lie about weight. So here are the male lies, so far as I can tell:

Picture: if he's hideous, must be taken from far away and preferably in front of landmark so as to show sense of adventure
Average body = fat
Athletic body = loves to kiss toned body while looking in mirror
Loves to travel = wants to go to Thailand to buy cheap hookers or just loves idea of travel but never goes anywhere
Self employed = drug dealer
Entrepreneur = actor/drug dealer
Advertising = bitter writer
British = Not as fun as Hugh Grant but will make good use of accent
Age = + 5 to 10 older than stated, she won't notice since I don't look a day over 25
Wants short or long term relationship, friendship or play = really just wants play